Arkward situation read g/f e-mail

K-9 · 11-09-2007 07:53PM

ballsofsituat wrote:

'Nearly a week later and this thing is still playing on my mind, paranoid is not the word for it. Have not done a thing about the whole situation, discussed it with a friend of mine and felt the best thing was not to say it to her. When i meet her i feel i can’t be all loved up any more, i can already feel myself being more and more distant. Don't have the balls basically to say it to her.How can i be confident nothing is going on without bringing this up?'

I take it she went away for the weekend? Anything suspicious at all?

It's hard to know what to do, if she did or has cheated before it's unlikely she will admit it. Cheaters rarely do.

Has she mentioned him at all?

Ekancone · 11-09-2007 07:58PM

ballsofsituat wrote:

'Nearly a week later and this thing is still playing on my mind, paranoid is not the word for it. Have not done a thing about the whole situation, discussed it with a friend of mine and felt the best thing was not to say it to her. When i meet her i feel i can’t be all loved up any more, i can already feel myself being more and more distant. Don't have the balls basically to say it to her.How can i be confident nothing is going on without bringing this up?'

You have to bring it up man, no other way about it. Otherwise you will just drive yourself mad.

LegacyUser · 11-09-2007 09:21PM

'Not what you want to hear, but in my experience French blokes are seemingly incapable of having pleutonic female friends, any girls I know say that French blokes are the worst to deal with because they associate being friends with a relationship of some sort. That's anecdotal but you need to get this straight with your girlfriend. You can't live in misery.'

purpledragon677 · 11-09-2007 11:17PM

ok i actually think you should tell her i mean yes you read her emails but if she has nothin to hide she will get over it but you cant keep beatimg yourself up over it it will ruin everything.

davyjose · 11-09-2007 11:53PM

purpledragon677 wrote:

ok i actually think you should tell her i mean yes you read her emails but if she has nothin to hide she will get over it but you cant keep beatimg yourself up over it it will ruin everything.

+1 The only reason she will totally freak out is if she's guilty. And then she's history anyway, right?
You've gotta say it or yis are finished anyway at this rate.

Pinker · 12-09-2007 12:10AM

It appears to me your biggest fear is you know this realtionship is in serious trouble if she admits it, or if you know she is lying to you when you eventually ask her wtf is going on. Tbh I think you already know she is hiding something from you but are strugglung to cope with the reality of what this might mean. Now you need to face facts here and confront this girl, you had a life before her and if needs be you'll have a life after, but there is only one real option here. Ask her what she did over the weekend? Learn how to deal with this situation and you'll be a much better man for it.

Talliesin · 12-09-2007 12:15AM

davyjose wrote:

The only reason she will totally freak out is if she's guilty.

Or perhaps if she thinks he's been reading her email :rolleyes:

davyjose · 12-09-2007 01:26AM

Talliesin wrote:

Or perhaps if she thinks he's been reading her email :rolleyes:

What I mean is, she will likely try to turn this around on him, and try to deflect away from her situation, and probably storm out without clarifying the situation. BUT, if she has nothing to hide, she will probably be a little more reasonable about the situation - yeah he'll still be in the doghouse, but she'll deny it straight away and be more hurt that he questioned her. IMO there'll be a definite difference between the two potential reactions.

K-9 · 12-09-2007 02:33AM

Still, lets see if the OP thought anything happened over the weekend. If not, he has to get on with things, though he could well be suspicious from now on!

Talking about your current bf with your ex, and the ex saying he doesn't care what the bf thinks is not normal!

If she encouraged more emails or contact after the ex made his intentions clear, well I'd be worried.

someothername · 12-09-2007 08:38AM

after reading thru the lot of it its pretty obvious to me that you are now completely insecure.
you have 2 ways to go here
1 - bury your head in the sand and move on : i wouldnt recommend this-it woud lead to massive trust issues and eventually break yis up in the end. as you wont be able to let her go as far as the shop without wondering whats she "really at"
2 - say it all to her and run the risk of her freaking out about you reading her email. have to say on a side note here everyone would have had a look if they had a chance. its not like you were hacking into the emails so dont feel bad about that. i reckon if you tell her how it happened and what you have been thinking for the last week she will tell you the truth of what happened???

p.s do you not talk to her friends at all? would they not have been excited about going to cork on a gilrs wkend and been discussing it for the last while?
you could say it to one of them infront of her and watch their faces....

hope it workd out for what is best for you and not necessarily what you want.in the long run its better.....

Pinker · 12-09-2007 12:22PM

Quiff81 wrote:

p.s do you not talk to her friends at all? would they not have been excited about going to cork on a gilrs wkend and been discussing it for the last while?
you could say it to one of them infront of her and watch their faces....

hope it workd out for what is best for you and not necessarily what you want.in the long run its better.....

Thats a good idea, but you still need to bring this up and it's not going to get any easier...

SingingCherry · 12-09-2007 12:52PM

Honestly, if I found out my husband had been snooping in my email (and that IS what you did. You didn't say "Honey, your email is open" and close it. You clicked inside one of her emails when there was no reason for you to.) he would have a lot of explaining to do, regardless of what he found. It shows that you didn't trust her in the first place, before you had any suspicion that something might be going on.

You have to choices because, as you have stated, this is affecting your relationship negatively. You can let it go and never look in her email again (which you should do even if you don't let it go) OR you can discuss it with her and get your answer but run of the risk of her breaking up with you. If it were me, I would break up with you. I hope she's a bit more understanding.

axer · 12-09-2007 12:55PM

SingingCherry wrote:

Honestly, if I found out my husband had been snooping in my email (and that IS what you did. You didn't say "Honey, your email is open" and close it. You clicked inside one of her emails when there was no reason for you to.) he would have a lot of explaining to do, regardless of what he found. It shows that you didn't trust her in the first place, before you had any suspicion that something might be going on.

You have to choices because, as you have stated, this is affecting your relationship negatively. You can let it go and never look in her email again (which you should do even if you don't let it go) OR you can discuss it with her and get your answer but run of the risk of her breaking up with you. If it were me, I would break up with you. I hope she's a bit more understanding.

Why would you care unless you have something to hide? Why would he go snooping unless he suspected maybe you have something to hide? I wouldnt care less if my girlfriend reads my email, in fact she has my password anyway.

SingingCherry · 12-09-2007 01:10PM

axer wrote:

Why would you care unless you have something to hide? Why would he go snooping unless he suspected maybe you have something to hide? I wouldnt care less if my girlfriend reads my email, in fact she has my password anyway.

Why do you need to go into their email unless you trust them? And if you don't trust them, you don't become sneaky yourself -- you confront them. That's what people in mature relationships do. This guy didn't say he had a previous suspicion, he just saw the French guy's name and SNOOPED. That's a huge invasion of privacy and, for me, it would mean a very long discussion would be coming.

I don't ever need to go into my husband's email unless it's for an online purchase and even then I only look at the email that I went in for. He has my password but I know he wouldn't go into it rifling to see what he can find. While he wouldn't find anything, that's not the point -- it's the fact that he looked in the first place. It means he has little to no trust in me and absolutely NO respect for my privacy and it would mean the same if I did it to him. Since I respect and trust my husband, I would never do that.

Pinker · 12-09-2007 01:12PM

SingingCherry wrote:

Honestly, if I found out my husband had been snooping in my email (and that IS what you did. You didn't say "Honey, your email is open" and close it. You clicked inside one of her emails when there was no reason for you to.) he would have a lot of explaining to do, regardless of what he found. It shows that you didn't trust her in the first place, before you had any suspicion that something might be going on.

You have to choices because, as you have stated, this is affecting your relationship negatively. You can let it go and never look in her email again (which you should do even if you don't let it go) OR you can discuss it with her and get your answer but run of the risk of her breaking up with you. If it were me, I would break up with you. I hope she's a bit more understanding.

Ignore this OP, 99% of people would have read that mail . Singing sherry you say would break it off with your boyfriend if he read your mails, well god help your boyfriend.:rolleyes:

axer · 12-09-2007 01:16PM

SingingCherry wrote:

Why do you need to go into their email unless you trust them? And if you don't trust them, you don't become sneaky yourself -- you confront them. That's what people in mature relationships do. This guy didn't say he had a previous suspicion, he just saw the French guy's name and SNOOPED. That's a huge invasion of privacy and, for me, it would mean a very long discussion would be coming.

I don't ever need to go into my husband's email unless it's for an online purchase and even then I only look at the email that I went in for. He has my password but I know he wouldn't go into it rifling to see what he can find. While he wouldn't find anything, that's not the point -- it's the fact that he looked in the first place. It means he has little to no trust in me and absolutely NO respect for my privacy and it would mean the same if I did it to him. Since I respect and trust my husband, I would never do that.

TBH its the privacy thing I am talking about. I don't need privacy from my girlfriend - why would I? The way I see it if you need a privacy barrier then you have something to hide.

Knockoff Nige · 12-09-2007 01:23PM

SingingCherry wrote:

Why do you need to go into their email unless you trust them? And if you don't trust them, you don't become sneaky yourself -- you confront them. That's what people in mature relationships do. This guy didn't say he had a previous suspicion, he just saw the French guy's name and SNOOPED. That's a huge invasion of privacy and, for me, it would mean a very long discussion would be coming.

I don't ever need to go into my husband's email unless it's for an online purchase and even then I only look at the email that I went in for. He has my password but I know he wouldn't go into it rifling to see what he can find. While he wouldn't find anything, that's not the point -- it's the fact that he looked in the first place. It means he has little to no trust in me and absolutely NO respect for my privacy and it would mean the same if I did it to him. Since I respect and trust my husband, I would never do that.

I dont think that initally it was a trust thing. He was just being human and had a moment of weakness. He loves this girl and finding out another part of her life would habve been too tempting. Explaining that though is the problem. Intial reaction will of course be the trust thing.

If I was in your shoes, I wouldnt have been with her before she went away. I would have dealt with it knowing that the relationship might end. But the thought of her being with someone else (behind my back) would drive me insane. I'd tell her I read her mails, I'd tell her to deal with the trust thing later and then I'd tell her to be honest. Then, if you are convinced you were in the wrong, deal with the consequences. I guess I'm a little sore about being cheated on in the past and so would react like this. But you can be too naive for your own good.

Actually, I dont think you have a choice but to tell her. Is this going to be an ongoing suspicious relationship for as long as you are together? What a rubbish way to live.

Ekancone · 12-09-2007 01:28PM

Knockoff Nige wrote:

I dont think that initally it was a trust thing. He was just being human and had a moment of weakness. He loves this girl and finding out another part of her life would habve been too tempting. Explaining that though is the problem. Intial reaction will of course be the trust thing.

If I was in your shoes, I wouldnt have been with her before she went away. I would have dealt with it knowing that the relationship might end. But the thought of her being with someone else (behind my back) would drive me insane. I'd tell her I read her mails, I'd tell her to deal with the trust thing later and then I'd tell her to be honest. Then, if you are convinced you were in the wrong, deal with the consequences. I guess I'm a little sore about being cheated on in the past and so would react like this. But you can be too naive for your own good.

Actually, I dont think you have a choice but to tell her. Is this going to be an ongoing suspicious relationship for as long as you are together? What a rubbish way to live.

This is exactly right.

LegacyUser · 12-09-2007 01:44PM

ballsofsituat wrote:

How can i be confident nothing is going on without bringing this up?'

You can't. Shouldn't a relationship be about dealing with s*** when it happens, she may even surprise you and have perfectly decent explanation for all of this, just talk to her.

craichoe · 12-09-2007 04:25PM

Arra who cares, I don't care if my g/f reads my email, she doesn't though not much in there thats interesting !

lol

I'd say just bloody ask her.

"WHATS THE STORY WITH THIS FRENCHIE FELLA, I R33D J00R EMAILS"

If she goes spasmo, shes cheating, if not then its probably harmless.

P.S. to the guy above. very big generalization of french guys. rubbish in my opinion !

John Mason · 12-09-2007 04:42PM

Chinafoot wrote:

She's meeting up with a guy she met when she was travelling. How does that automatically equate to cheating? Was there any evidence of romantic involvement in the emails?

I went travelling for a year and met a lot of people of both sexes that I still keep in contact with and visit. There's nothing romantic in any of those situations and you shouldn't assume your girlfriend is any different. I'm guessing you haven't done the whole year away thing, because if you had I doubt you'd be this paranoid.

Chances are she'll tell you about this guy when she has it all confirmed. Don't go snooping in her emails again.

have to totally agree with chinafoot. i went travelling for year and am still in touch with loads of guy i meet, all our emails finish with love and kisses. its very difficult to understand the friendships you make when you are travelling unless you, have actually backpacked for a year.

i had a ex who had a problem with this, and would check my emails all the time, completely parnoid about it - for no reason at all. hence he is now an ex

Knockoff Nige · 12-09-2007 04:57PM

irishbird wrote:

have to totally agree with chinafoot. i went travelling for year and am still in touch with loads of guy i meet, all our emails finish with love and kisses. its very difficult to understand the friendships you make when you are travelling unless you, have actually backpacked for a year.

i had a ex who had a problem with this, and would check my emails all the time, completely parnoid about it - for no reason at all. hence he is now an ex

But isnt that very very different to this situation? He wasnt told about this 'friend'. If its just a friend, wheres the harm in telling him? Sure, he might have taken it bad then but he's taken it alot worse now and thats not really fair. If you have secrets like this at this stage of a relationship, there will be many more.

K-9 · 12-09-2007 06:21PM

Quiff81 wrote:

p.s do you not talk to her friends at all? would they not have been excited about going to cork on a gilrs wkend and been discussing it for the last while?
you could say it to one of them infront of her and watch their faces....

Any nervous reactions from the friends and her could tell a lot.

singingcherry wrote:

You can let it go and never look in her email again (which you should do even if you don't let it go) OR you can discuss it with her and get your answer but run of the risk of her breaking up with you. If it were me, I would break up with you. I hope she's a bit more understanding.

He shouldn't have, fine. She shouldn't be having flirty e-mails with exes saying they don't care if they have a bf either. Arranging to meet up with an ex on a weekend away isn't very good either!

Again, if it's so innocent why hasn't she mentioned him?

2 wrongs don't make a right!

K-9 · 12-09-2007 06:23PM

irishbird wrote:

i had a ex who had a problem with this, and would check my emails all the time, completely parnoid about it - for no reason at all. hence he is now an ex

How did he do it all the time? If he did, that is different to the OP.

The OP did it once, more by curiosity than snooping!

davyjose · 15-09-2007 05:59AM

OP, did you get to the bottom of this yet?

LegacyUser · 17-09-2007 01:32PM

'Nope have not gotten to the bottom of this yet, nor do I intend to anymore. Think I got too suck it up and quite the moaning about this situation. Basically I invaded her privacy, should have respected it in the first place. Think I jumped the gun a little, don't think she met up with this fruit cake over the weekend(Reckon he is still lurking). Think I came to the conclusion the other day to f**k it life’s too short for me to worrying about this crap, only being going out a year, so it’s not the end of the world if I did find out she was doing something. Plus the fact that my gut tells me she is not that kind of person. Think I took the whole thing a way too seriously(read into the situation too deeply) and it took me a while to get my head around it but eventually did...so once again f**k it, if it happens it happens nothing I can do about it, apart from dump her and know that she wasn't worth being with. Think one poster put it, I had a life before I met her and if we break I’ll have one too. Reading that e-mail showed how naive I am, that things aren't always black and white, possibly blinded by the whole honey moon period. Anyway cheers for all the advice..Hopefully I won’t be posting here again in a couple of weeks about a break up !!!!'

Arkward situation read g/f e-mail

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