What To Do -All Avenues Exhausted

demis · 27-08-2007 05:11PM #1

Long time lurker....first post.

I'll try to keep this short...about 6 months ago I started speaking on msn to a man I play an online game with, to begin with everything was civil, then the flirty banter started (which has led to many other things)...then the feelings. The problem being is that he has a g/f.....I didn't know this to begin with, if I did, I'm 99% sure things would just have stayed with the 'civil' chats.
I am due to go to Ireland (I live in England) at the end of September for 4 days, to meet some other people who we play the game with, I really want to meet this guy, but I'm also scared because of my feelings....he says he has feelings for me too, but he also loves his g/f, and he doesn't want to cheat on her, even though he would find it hard not to if I'm there.
He has suggested that we only meet in a group so we are never alone together...I really do want to meet him, but I don't want to put a dampener on the days I'm out there as I know I want something to happen between us and I also know I'll be peed off if it doesn't.
I don't even know what advice I'm looking for here...a few months back it would have been how can I forget about him....now I know I can't..we have tried to get back to the 'only friends' thing, we have also tried not speaking to each other..nothing seems to work.

biko · 27-08-2007 05:15PM

Go, stay in the group. Do not be a homewrecker.
If you find that you are "soulmates" or whatnot then you have to discuss his breakup and moving countries etc.

demis · 27-08-2007 05:23PM

I'm not going to be a homewrecker, I'm not going to force him into anything or throw myself at him, I suppose what I really need is advice on how to even be in the same room with him (in a group) with the feelings I have and try not to let them show.

sweet-rasmus · 27-08-2007 05:35PM

i'd say you'd be better off not to meet him. keep him in the fantasy land that he belongs. sure, if he didn't have a girlfriend, everyone may have a different opinion on this, but the truth is, he does. you say that you secretly hope something happens between you. say something did; you'd be in england and him in ireland, and not much else can result. also, you'd have that guilt on your mind. your mind is excited my this crush at the moment; if you can back away from it, you may find yourself someone else to desire. be strong!! good luck

Wibbs · 27-08-2007 05:49PM

demis wrote:

I suppose what I really need is advice on how to even be in the same room with him (in a group) with the feelings I have and try not to let them show.

Answer? You can't. How do you propose hiding feelings he already knows you have? Again you can't. I think the best advice is not meeting him or there's a good chance you'll get caught up in the "moment".

SarahSassy · 27-08-2007 08:34PM

You have a choice. You are an adult and you dont have to may a play for someone who is taken....He is enjoying the attention and leading you while getting his loving at home.....

Whats missing in your life that you need to come here to try to seduce someone who is in a relationship?

kawaii · 27-08-2007 08:40PM

My advice is to write something symbolic on your hand (or wherever suits you) to remind you of your goal and to keep you level. Something that wont mean anything to anyone else but just serves as an unchanging reminder...

Works for me.

demis · 27-08-2007 08:49PM

SarahSassy wrote:

Whats missing in your life that you need to come here to try to seduce someone who is in a relationship?

I am not coming over to try to seduce someone, I would be coming over anyway, like i said there will be a group of us.

I also said I didn't know he was in a relationship until it was too late, and we have tried our hardest to put things right

kittenkiller · 27-08-2007 09:35PM

Don't put yourself out to see the guy.
He sounds like the type that'd put on all the moves because he knows that you'd be easier than most to bed and dump, he's done all the ground work online, you've admitted to liking him and wanting to.
There's absolutely nothing stoppong him for promising you the world and then putting you on his ignore list on MSN.
His gf'd never find out and he'd be home free.

In most cases people you meet/flirt with online rarely turn out nice and more decent in person.

Take care of yourself and try not to get yourself hurt.

SarahSassy · 27-08-2007 09:45PM

demis wrote:

to begin with everything was civil, then the flirty banter started (which has led to many other things)...then the feelings.

I really want to meet this guy, but I'm also scared because of my feelings....

he says he has feelings for me too, but he also loves his g/f, and he doesn't want to cheat on her, even though he would find it hard not to if I'm there.

I really do want to meet him, but I don't want to put a dampener on the days I'm out there as I know I want something to happen between us and I also know I'll be peed off if it doesn't.

What were the 'many other things'???

So you really do want to meet him but you know he as a gf and doesnt want to cheat on her?

demis · 27-08-2007 09:52PM

SarahSassy wrote:

What were the 'many other things'???

So you really do want to meet him but you know he as a gf and doesnt want to cheat on her?

I don't see why I should have to say the other things but I will, text messages, video calls over msn and skype calls.

I would be meeting him anyway, as the game we play has quite a large Irish community, a whole group of us are meeting.

SarahSassy · 27-08-2007 09:55PM

demis wrote:

he says he has feelings for me too, but he also loves his g/f, and he doesn't want to cheat on her, even though he would find it hard not to if I'm there.

I think this is why you are still going, cos you want to be wth him and hope he wont be able to resist when he sees / meets you.....

Lets be honest about it here....

demis · 27-08-2007 10:00PM

SarahSassy wrote:

I think this is why you are still going, cos you want to be wth him and hope he wont be able to resist when he sees / meets you.....

Lets be honest about it here....

I will be/am being honest, everything has already been booked, flights and accommodation, so I'd still be going even if he wasn't to turn up..so you are wrong in your thinking about why I am still going.

SarahSassy · 27-08-2007 10:06PM

Was everything booked before you fell for him? You said twice in your original post that you really want to meet him.

Berbatov · 27-08-2007 10:06PM

Well to be honest I think it really is quite simple. If this guy loves his girlfriend then way is he carrying on like this with you??! Sounds to me if he is a player - making all sweet and nice with his gf and then induling in a bit of 'virtual cheating'!!

If he genuinely has feelings for you then the only decent thing for him to do is finish with his gf. Or maybe he's hanging on in their with her - seeing how you and him get on before making a choice!

I'd bail out if i were you.

demis · 27-08-2007 10:16PM

SarahSassy wrote:

Was everything booked before you fell for him? You said twice in your original post that you really want to meet him.

No everything wasn't booked before I fell for him (even though it had been spoken about), the meetings happen twice a year, in Ireland and another country (which I can't afford to go to).
He is not the only reason I am going, I also want to meet up with the rest of the people.

SarahSassy · 27-08-2007 10:19PM

Have you travelled to a meeting before?

KilbarrackBlows · 27-08-2007 10:26PM

Id be carefull going to something like this
i played alot of online games and met a girl from holland
planned to meet up and well i wont go into details but it ended
very badly......

D Bronc · 27-08-2007 11:41PM

Im sure you could avoid a situation if u really wanted to but to be honest u dont sound like u want to avoid it. You know its wrong thats why u wrote in here, you sound like u are letting your heart rule your head which is never a good thing. Anyways i dont think u should go to Ireland im sure u could get your money back or part of it at least. You have never met this guy its all a fantasy, but there is no foundation to this if it were ever to develop into something else and im sorry to be the one to tell u this but u will be the one to come crashing back to reality with a very hard fall!

Pompey Magnus · 28-08-2007 08:48AM

demis wrote:

but he also loves his g/f, and he doesn't want to cheat on her, even though he would find it hard not to if I'm there.
He has suggested that we only meet in a group so we are never alone together

If you want him you will have him, he only said that line about not wanting to cheat on his girlfriend and hurt her to make himself feel better. I'm sure if he got the opportunity he would quite easily put her out of his head.

Personally I would insist he finishes with his girlfriend as he obviously doesn't love her, no matter how he tries to delude himself, before agreeing to do anything because I would not want to be party to hurting a partner, evening if i didn't know them. But then that's just me. Good luck anyways.

someothername · 28-08-2007 09:00AM

my thoughts are this......
although it would **** to miss out meeting everyone else , not to go.
you are only going to make things worse and harder.
what kinda fella is he to be chatting away like this to you if he has a g/f ?
is that the kind o guy you want to be with ?
i think you should concentrate on developing a relationship with someone more honest and genuine.......

seems that most people on here are saying something silimar..... i.e forget about him....
we cant all be wrong can we?

anyways good luck with the decission

DD · 28-08-2007 10:09AM

I've been in this situation, i was the one with a bf, he came into my life and I didnt let him go. Time showed us we are meant to be together and feelings are strong.
Respect the fact he has a gf, but go and see him.

demis wrote:

Long time lurker....first post.
I don't even know what advice I'm looking for here...a few months back it would have been how can I forget about him....now I know I can't..we have tried to get back to the 'only friends' thing, we have also tried not speaking to each other..nothing seems to work.

Poppers1888 · 28-08-2007 10:10AM

If your going , just make sure its not you that gets hurt - enjoy meeting the other people not just him.

Sarah - why you bring so cruel, she was asking for advice

Zombrex · 28-08-2007 11:55AM

demis wrote:

I'll try to keep this short...about 6 months ago I started speaking on msn to a man I play an online game with, to begin with everything was civil, then the flirty banter started (which has led to many other things)...then the feelings. The problem being is that he has a g/f.....I didn't know this to begin with, if I did, I'm 99% sure things would just have stayed with the 'civil' chats.

I think that that highlights that you actually don't know this guy at all.

As with most internet "relationships" you have fallen for an idealized, filtered version of this guy, not fallen for who he actually is. This is simply because you don't know who he actually is. There is a world of difference between chatting online with someone and actually being with them.

If this was just a normal internet relationship thread (common on PI) I would tell you to remember this fact, that you don't know him and that your feelings are not directed at him, but at the online version of him. Take things very slowly, and get to know him properly before you consider your feelings as real or meaning anything. Often the case when too people actually meet after chatting online they realise that they don't actually have as strong feelings as they thought. It is very important not to give too much heed to the feelings you think you have at the moment, because as I said you don't actually know him, you have fallen for an idealised version of him

But the fact that he has a girl friend means this have BAD IDEA stamped all over it.

When you have not even met him properly, when you don't even know at this stage if you genuinely like him as he genuinely is, and he has a girlfriend, I would drop it completely. Not worth it.

SarahSassy · 28-08-2007 09:13PM

I am not trying to be cruel but I am trying to find out if she is genuinely unsure as to what to do. I dont believe she is...

I believe she was coming to seduce him no matter what.....

demis · 28-08-2007 09:39PM

If I was coming over to seduce him I would be there this week, as his g/f is working away.....
but I'm not, I am coming at the end of next month as there is quite a few of us meeting up then, and I want to meet them all.
I am trying to keep my distance, so not so much chatting on msn, just basic chitchat and no banter.
I thank everyone who gave good advice, I have taken note of it.

SarahSassy · 28-08-2007 09:47PM

demis wrote:

If I was coming over to seduce him I would be there this week, as his g/f is working away.....

If he would let you.....

Bottom line, this is your first meeting with your online gang, which you arranged to attend after you got involved with him and you know that you are doing it to try to seduce him..... Come on....

demis · 28-08-2007 09:54PM

SarahSassy wrote:

If he would let you.....

Bottom line, this is your first meeting with your online gang, which you arranged to attend after you got involved with him and you know that you are doing it to try to seduce him..... Come on....

To be honest I don't really give two hoots as to what you personally think you know...I came here for advice not harrassment, which is all i seem to have got from you.

SarahSassy · 28-08-2007 09:59PM

I dont think you are being honest.....Im simply asking you questions to get to the bottom of it. Good luck to you. Wont waste any more time replying.

tbh · 29-08-2007 12:43PM

demis wrote:

To be honest I don't really give two hoots as to what you personally think you know...I came here for advice not harrassment, which is all i seem to have got from you.

Practical advice? There's a fine line between love and hate. Use that to your advantage. Stop talking to him, and remember, he's cheating on his girlfriend and he's using you. Basically, make yourself hate him and you'll be grand.

pyramuid man · 29-08-2007 12:43PM

While alor oif you are pointing out that if she does this she is wrong, what you have not pointed out is that he should have resisted or not initiated the flirty chats depending on what direction they have been directed. He is hardly committed to his g/f as much as he says he is if he has said that he would find it hard not to cheat if he meets her.

What To Do -All Avenues Exhausted

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