What To Do -All Avenues Exhausted

demis

Long time lurker....first post.

I'll try to keep this short...about 6 months ago I started speaking on msn to a man I play an online game with, to begin with everything was civil, then the flirty banter started (which has led to many other things)...then the feelings. The problem being is that he has a g/f.....I didn't know this to begin with, if I did, I'm 99% sure things would just have stayed with the 'civil' chats.
I am due to go to Ireland (I live in England) at the end of September for 4 days, to meet some other people who we play the game with, I really want to meet this guy, but I'm also scared because of my feelings....he says he has feelings for me too, but he also loves his g/f, and he doesn't want to cheat on her, even though he would find it hard not to if I'm there.
He has suggested that we only meet in a group so we are never alone together...I really do want to meet him, but I don't want to put a dampener on the days I'm out there as I know I want something to happen between us and I also know I'll be peed off if it doesn't.
I don't even know what advice I'm looking for here...a few months back it would have been how can I forget about him....now I know I can't..we have tried to get back to the 'only friends' thing, we have also tried not speaking to each other..nothing seems to work.

biko

Go, stay in the group. Do not be a homewrecker.
If you find that you are "soulmates" or whatnot then you have to discuss his breakup and moving countries etc.

demis

I'm not going to be a homewrecker, I'm not going to force him into anything or throw myself at him, I suppose what I really need is advice on how to even be in the same room with him (in a group) with the feelings I have and try not to let them show.

sweet-rasmus

i'd say you'd be better off not to meet him. keep him in the fantasy land that he belongs. sure, if he didn't have a girlfriend, everyone may have a different opinion on this, but the truth is, he does. you say that you secretly hope something happens between you. say something did; you'd be in england and him in ireland, and not much else can result. also, you'd have that guilt on your mind. your mind is excited my this crush at the moment; if you can back away from it, you may find yourself someone else to desire. be strong!! good luck

Wibbs

demis wrote:

I suppose what I really need is advice on how to even be in the same room with him (in a group) with the feelings I have and try not to let them show.

Answer? You can't. How do you propose hiding feelings he already knows you have? Again you can't. I think the best advice is not meeting him or there's a good chance you'll get caught up in the "moment".

SarahSassy

You have a choice. You are an adult and you dont have to may a play for someone who is taken....He is enjoying the attention and leading you while getting his loving at home.....

Whats missing in your life that you need to come here to try to seduce someone who is in a relationship?

kawaii

My advice is to write something symbolic on your hand (or wherever suits you) to remind you of your goal and to keep you level. Something that wont mean anything to anyone else but just serves as an unchanging reminder...

Works for me.

demis

SarahSassy wrote:

Whats missing in your life that you need to come here to try to seduce someone who is in a relationship?

I am not coming over to try to seduce someone, I would be coming over anyway, like i said there will be a group of us.

I also said I didn't know he was in a relationship until it was too late, and we have tried our hardest to put things right

kittenkiller

Don't put yourself out to see the guy.
He sounds like the type that'd put on all the moves because he knows that you'd be easier than most to bed and dump, he's done all the ground work online, you've admitted to liking him and wanting to.
There's absolutely nothing stoppong him for promising you the world and then putting you on his ignore list on MSN.
His gf'd never find out and he'd be home free.

In most cases people you meet/flirt with online rarely turn out nice and more decent in person.

Take care of yourself and try not to get yourself hurt.

SarahSassy

demis wrote:

to begin with everything was civil, then the flirty banter started (which has led to many other things)...then the feelings.

I really want to meet this guy, but I'm also scared because of my feelings....

he says he has feelings for me too, but he also loves his g/f, and he doesn't want to cheat on her, even though he would find it hard not to if I'm there.

I really do want to meet him, but I don't want to put a dampener on the days I'm out there as I know I want something to happen between us and I also know I'll be peed off if it doesn't.

What were the 'many other things'???

So you really do want to meet him but you know he as a gf and doesnt want to cheat on her?

demis

SarahSassy wrote:

What were the 'many other things'???

So you really do want to meet him but you know he as a gf and doesnt want to cheat on her?

I don't see why I should have to say the other things but I will, text messages, video calls over msn and skype calls.

I would be meeting him anyway, as the game we play has quite a large Irish community, a whole group of us are meeting.

SarahSassy

demis wrote:

he says he has feelings for me too, but he also loves his g/f, and he doesn't want to cheat on her, even though he would find it hard not to if I'm there.

I think this is why you are still going, cos you want to be wth him and hope he wont be able to resist when he sees / meets you.....

Lets be honest about it here....

demis

SarahSassy wrote:

I think this is why you are still going, cos you want to be wth him and hope he wont be able to resist when he sees / meets you.....

Lets be honest about it here....

I will be/am being honest, everything has already been booked, flights and accommodation, so I'd still be going even if he wasn't to turn up..so you are wrong in your thinking about why I am still going.

SarahSassy

Was everything booked before you fell for him? You said twice in your original post that you really want to meet him.

Berbatov

Well to be honest I think it really is quite simple. If this guy loves his girlfriend then way is he carrying on like this with you??! Sounds to me if he is a player - making all sweet and nice with his gf and then induling in a bit of 'virtual cheating'!!

If he genuinely has feelings for you then the only decent thing for him to do is finish with his gf. Or maybe he's hanging on in their with her - seeing how you and him get on before making a choice!

I'd bail out if i were you.

demis

SarahSassy wrote:

Was everything booked before you fell for him? You said twice in your original post that you really want to meet him.

No everything wasn't booked before I fell for him (even though it had been spoken about), the meetings happen twice a year, in Ireland and another country (which I can't afford to go to).
He is not the only reason I am going, I also want to meet up with the rest of the people.

SarahSassy

Have you travelled to a meeting before?

KilbarrackBlows

Id be carefull going to something like this
i played alot of online games and met a girl from holland
planned to meet up and well i wont go into details but it ended
very badly......

D Bronc

Im sure you could avoid a situation if u really wanted to but to be honest u dont sound like u want to avoid it. You know its wrong thats why u wrote in here, you sound like u are letting your heart rule your head which is never a good thing. Anyways i dont think u should go to Ireland im sure u could get your money back or part of it at least. You have never met this guy its all a fantasy, but there is no foundation to this if it were ever to develop into something else and im sorry to be the one to tell u this but u will be the one to come crashing back to reality with a very hard fall!

Pompey Magnus

demis wrote:

but he also loves his g/f, and he doesn't want to cheat on her, even though he would find it hard not to if I'm there.
He has suggested that we only meet in a group so we are never alone together

If you want him you will have him, he only said that line about not wanting to cheat on his girlfriend and hurt her to make himself feel better. I'm sure if he got the opportunity he would quite easily put her out of his head.

Personally I would insist he finishes with his girlfriend as he obviously doesn't love her, no matter how he tries to delude himself, before agreeing to do anything because I would not want to be party to hurting a partner, evening if i didn't know them. But then that's just me. Good luck anyways.

someothername

my thoughts are this......
although it would **** to miss out meeting everyone else , not to go.
you are only going to make things worse and harder.
what kinda fella is he to be chatting away like this to you if he has a g/f ?
is that the kind o guy you want to be with ?
i think you should concentrate on developing a relationship with someone more honest and genuine.......


seems that most people on here are saying something silimar..... i.e forget about him....
we cant all be wrong can we?

anyways good luck with the decission

DD

I've been in this situation, i was the one with a bf, he came into my life and I didnt let him go. Time showed us we are meant to be together and feelings are strong.
Respect the fact he has a gf, but go and see him.

demis wrote:

Long time lurker....first post.
I don't even know what advice I'm looking for here...a few months back it would have been how can I forget about him....now I know I can't..we have tried to get back to the 'only friends' thing, we have also tried not speaking to each other..nothing seems to work.

Poppers1888

If your going , just make sure its not you that gets hurt - enjoy meeting the other people not just him.

Sarah - why you bring so cruel, she was asking for advice

Zombrex

demis wrote:

I'll try to keep this short...about 6 months ago I started speaking on msn to a man I play an online game with, to begin with everything was civil, then the flirty banter started (which has led to many other things)...then the feelings. The problem being is that he has a g/f.....I didn't know this to begin with, if I did, I'm 99% sure things would just have stayed with the 'civil' chats.

I think that that highlights that you actually don't know this guy at all.

As with most internet "relationships" you have fallen for an idealized, filtered version of this guy, not fallen for who he actually is. This is simply because you don't know who he actually is. There is a world of difference between chatting online with someone and actually being with them.

If this was just a normal internet relationship thread (common on PI) I would tell you to remember this fact, that you don't know him and that your feelings are not directed at him, but at the online version of him. Take things very slowly, and get to know him properly before you consider your feelings as real or meaning anything. Often the case when too people actually meet after chatting online they realise that they don't actually have as strong feelings as they thought. It is very important not to give too much heed to the feelings you think you have at the moment, because as I said you don't actually know him, you have fallen for an idealised version of him

But the fact that he has a girl friend means this have BAD IDEA stamped all over it.

When you have not even met him properly, when you don't even know at this stage if you genuinely like him as he genuinely is, and he has a girlfriend, I would drop it completely. Not worth it.

SarahSassy

I am not trying to be cruel but I am trying to find out if she is genuinely unsure as to what to do. I dont believe she is...

I believe she was coming to seduce him no matter what.....

demis

If I was coming over to seduce him I would be there this week, as his g/f is working away.....
but I'm not, I am coming at the end of next month as there is quite a few of us meeting up then, and I want to meet them all.
I am trying to keep my distance, so not so much chatting on msn, just basic chitchat and no banter.
I thank everyone who gave good advice, I have taken note of it.

SarahSassy

demis wrote:

If I was coming over to seduce him I would be there this week, as his g/f is working away.....

If he would let you.....

Bottom line, this is your first meeting with your online gang, which you arranged to attend after you got involved with him and you know that you are doing it to try to seduce him..... Come on....

demis

SarahSassy wrote:

If he would let you.....

Bottom line, this is your first meeting with your online gang, which you arranged to attend after you got involved with him and you know that you are doing it to try to seduce him..... Come on....

To be honest I don't really give two hoots as to what you personally think you know...I came here for advice not harrassment, which is all i seem to have got from you.

SarahSassy

I dont think you are being honest.....Im simply asking you questions to get to the bottom of it. Good luck to you. Wont waste any more time replying.

tbh

demis wrote:

To be honest I don't really give two hoots as to what you personally think you know...I came here for advice not harrassment, which is all i seem to have got from you.

Practical advice? There's a fine line between love and hate. Use that to your advantage. Stop talking to him, and remember, he's cheating on his girlfriend and he's using you. Basically, make yourself hate him and you'll be grand.

pyramuid man

While alor oif you are pointing out that if she does this she is wrong, what you have not pointed out is that he should have resisted or not initiated the flirty chats depending on what direction they have been directed. He is hardly committed to his g/f as much as he says he is if he has said that he would find it hard not to cheat if he meets her.

KilbarrackBlows

I met a girl on a online game once spent every day for nearly 3 years chatting away got really attached to her and stuff ended up she never even told me her real name and we had made plans to meet up turned out she had the same plans with like 8 other people then when the time came near she pulled a fast one and no one seen her again and some other stuff . But if you and this guy are really genuine about each other and you know he isnt bull****ing you go for it

demis

pyramuid man wrote:

While alor oif you are pointing out that if she does this she is wrong, what you have not pointed out is that he should have resisted or not initiated the flirty chats depending on what direction they have been directed. He is hardly committed to his g/f as much as he says he is if he has said that he would find it hard not to cheat if he meets her.

Maybe we are both in the wrong, I can't put all the blame onto him....I just assumed he was single, I should have asked first, and the flirting was definitely 50-50.

Hobart

demis I presume that this will be the first time you have met this person face to face, so to speak? I'm not going to try and psychoanalyse your motives or feelings merely take what you have said at face value.

I think the key to your conundrum is actually in your first post. You say that you want something to happen between you or else you will be pee'd off. So it's a simple choice on your part:

1) You act on your feelings, and deal with the fallout

2) You resist the feelings you have for this guy, and deal with the disappointment.

There does not seem to be any other course of action you are willing to take. If I was in your situation with the feelings you appear to have, and I was serious about not wanting to cheat on another person, I would simply not go to the meeting.

If you feel that there may be a chance that you and he might have a future, no matter what the ramifications for his current relationship, why not give it a go? I'm not condoning cheating, but I'm not going to give you any moralising BS either.

Ickle Magoo

Not sure what you are asking us advice on? What is the conundrum?

You are determined to go & you'd be hacked off if nothing happened between you...what's is there left to say on other than personal opinion on whether you should be doing it?

demis

Hobart wrote:

demis I presume that this will be the first time you have met this person face to face, so to speak? I'm not going to try and psychoanalyse your motives or feelings merely take what you have said at face value.

I think the key to your conundrum is actually in your first post. You say that you want something to happen between you or else you will be pee'd off. So it's a simple choice on your part:

1) You act on your feelings, and deal with the fallout

2) You resist the feelings you have for this guy, and deal with the disappointment.

There does not seem to be any other course of action you are willing to take. If I was in your situation with the feelings you appear to have, and I was serious about not wanting to cheat on another person, I would simply not go to the meeting.

If you feel that there may be a chance that you and he might have a future, no matter what the ramifications for his current relationship, why not give it a go? I'm not condoning cheating, but I'm not going to give you any moralising BS either.

I have decided I am going to the meeting..there will be a few us there, so we won't be alone, I'm also going to resist my feelings and deal with the disappointment. I'm not going to let it ruin what should be a good few days away.

Hobart

Ickle Magoo wrote:

What is the conundrum?

She is going to meet up with a guy who she has feelings for but who also has a G/F. She wants to be with him, but does not want to be seen as a "relationship wrecker". I thought it was fairly obvious myself.

demis wrote:

I have decided I am going to the meeting..there will be a few us there, so we won't be alone, I'm also going to resist my feelings and deal with the disappointment. I'm not going to let it ruin what should be a good few days away.

Good for you. I honestly hope you can enjoy your time there/here.

Ickle Magoo

Hobart wrote:

She is going to meet up with a guy who she has feelings for but who also has a G/F. She wants to be with him, but does not want to be seen as a "relationship wrecker". I thought it was fairly obvious myself.

Thanks for clearing that up. I would have thought that someone who carries on with someone whom they know has a gf is in danger of being seen as a "relationship wrecker" anyway...

thalia_13

Hey Demis, Ive been there, been the person that the fella was all intense with, we had loads in common, completely clicked, getting on brilliantly blablabla, then I get a call from him, saying oh yeah I have a girlfriend, we live in different parts of Ireland, so dont see each other every day, but I dont think I can cheat on her.... WTF? all the stuff between us was cheating even its only emotional cheating... we only kissed in person, was before I realised he had a gf....I genuinely liked him, so was not gonna rush anything....:(

I could not handle being someone who was technically only his booty call, i.e when gf was away and he needed company either on the phone or in person, so as much as I liked him, I told him it was not gonna work! Its months now since it happened, I havent heard from him, not sure he was impressed with me telling him I didnt want to be in that situation.... Thing is I still feel bad about it, he did the cheating, as such, not me.
I think you should go and enjoy the trip with everyone who is there. If anything simmers between ye, well deal with as how you see fit there at that time. I wont tell you what to do, coz deep down you will know yourself when the time comes.... good luck, and think of yourself....

Spock 10,000

Do you go by the name Womble at all?

Sounds like the same story one of my friends is going through. He's completly mixed up and doesn't talk to his girlfriend about what he's going through. If he can treat someone he's meant to be crazy about like crap how do you think he's gonna treat you?

jellie

demis wrote:

I really want to meet this guy, but I'm also scared because of my feelings....he says he has feelings for me too, but he also loves his g/f, and he doesn't want to cheat on her, even though he would find it hard not to if I'm there.

He has a gf, hes not available. He has told you he doesnt want to cheat on her. yet you want to meet him because hes told you hed be tempted. you WANT to ruin his relationship
(He shouldnt be tempted in the 1st place, nevermind admitting it but thats a whole other issue)

demis wrote:

I really do want to meet him, but I don't want to put a dampener on the days I'm out there as I know I want something to happen between us and I also know I'll be peed off if it doesn't.

You are going with the intention of something happening. youve admitted youll be annoyed if something doesnt. stop fooling yourself.

demis wrote:

I don't even know what advice I'm looking for here...a few months back it would have been how can I forget about him....now I know I can't..we have tried to get back to the 'only friends' thing, we have also tried not speaking to each other..nothing seems to work.

Try harder. This is not a relationship. This guy has a whole life that you know nothing about. A whole side of his personality you know nothing about. He might not even have a gf for all you know. & if he does, hes showing a lovely side to his personality isnt he? If (after a lot of crap & hurting of some innocent girl) you ended up together, would you ever trust him? how could you? Doesnt seem like a very nice guy to me.

My advice would be to stay away from him. If you have to go to the meetup ask him not to go.

LegacyUser

'

demis wrote:

Long time lurker....first post.

I'll try to keep this short...about 6 months ago I started speaking on msn to a man I play an online game with, to begin with everything was civil, then the flirty banter started (which has led to many other things)...then the feelings. The problem being is that he has a g/f.....I didn't know this to begin with, if I did, I'm 99% sure things would just have stayed with the 'civil' chats.
I am due to go to Ireland (I live in England) at the end of September for 4 days, to meet some other people who we play the game with, I really want to meet this guy, but I'm also scared because of my feelings....he says he has feelings for me too, but he also loves his g/f, and he doesn't want to cheat on her, even though he would find it hard not to if I'm there.
He has suggested that we only meet in a group so we are never alone together...I really do want to meet him, but I don't want to put a dampener on the days I'm out there as I know I want something to happen between us and I also know I'll be peed off if it doesn't.
I don't even know what advice I'm looking for here...a few months back it would have been how can I forget about him....now I know I can't..we have tried to get back to the 'only friends' thing, we have also tried not speaking to each other..nothing seems to work.

If you don't know what advice you're looking for I would suggest you not berate posters who disagree that you may not be being 100% truthful with yourself and them.
Talk is cheap. Tell me this...if you were happened to meet a guy in a club you frequented every weekend, and he flirted outrageously with you and uttered some lines that made your heart melt, and you'd felt like you clicked...then a few months later after meeting him in the same club he told you he had a girlfriend...would you do the same?

Or is is the anticipation and excitement of meeting someone you have built up through an on line gaming meeting of the minds

Answer this to *yourself* honestly... If he msn'd tonight and said that he and the girlfriend were going away that week because she wanted him to go would you still be making this trip?

Catch a grip, both of you. Have the patience to ask him to get in contact when he is single. That way if you do get together at least you have some sort of starting point, rather than one based on lying and cheating.'

LegacyUser

'Don't people ever take other peoples feelings into account anymore?. I once was in a similar situation... completely clicked with a gorgeous guy. To this day, I've never found anyone like him. We met, but then had to part+ stayed in contact via email/msn. It turns out he had a gf. I had to go on a trip for work to the city he lives in and we met up. Again, totally clicked. Amazing chemistry. He wanted to kiss me+ I wanted it too!...but I couldn't..I mean, what about his girlfriend?...I couldn't cause that much pain to her, to have her boyfriend cheat on her. I guess it would make life easier if I didn't have such a conscience. Then there's the side...that even though I still think he's a cool guy...if he would cheat on her, then I could never 100% trust that he wouldn't do the same to me. What about his gf though!!!!...does it even bother you the slightest, about how she might feel?'

Manic Moran

As long as it's a group of you, I'd be all for it. Having a crush on someone who's off-limits isn't exactly unusual in the real world but people manage to survive, I see little reason it should not also be the case on the 'Net. And since you have created a friendship, it would be a shame not to meet, as friends.

I try to meet as many people from the 'Net as I can. It's done me in good stead so far in life.

NTM

Nevyn

SarahSassy wrote:

If he would let you.....

Bottom line, this is your first meeting with your online gang, which you arranged to attend after you got involved with him and you know that you are doing it to try to seduce him..... Come on....

SarahSassy meet up at lans and meet ups with those who are in the same online gaming clan or guild are pretty common these days.
I know people who have travelled to Germany, UK, Holland and America those that have travelled from there to here to attend events.

demis I think you are getting too worried and worked up over this.
It could be that in person he annoys the hell out of you.
Having a crush on someone is fine just respect yourself enough not to
make mistakes you clearly do not want to.

Ideally you will be too busy playing and having a blast to be that concerned about it Gamecon can be a really good event.

demis

Well I went but we did not meet but I had a great time anyway, which I knew I would, and to be honest I wasn't even p****d off that I didn't see him.

biko

Closure