Witty moments

doubtfir3 · 28-06-2007 04:50PM

Was working on a phone shop refurb a while back and the electricians were taking aaaaages to finish off beacuse one of them had fubared the wiring for the network..

cue much arsing around saying 'it could be this.. could be this..' and faffing around the place with tools.

got pissed off, and eventually lost the rag and said "lads ffs you've been here so long you must surely be entitled to an upgrade"

.. well I thought it was funny, and it got a few chuckles!

:cool:

vorbis · 28-06-2007 07:20PM

hard to remember them!

i remember a friend at work saying something about the fact that I had arrived into work that day at 10 and left at 4:30

I told him I was burning the candle at both ends!

Lazare · 28-06-2007 07:52PM

At a stag weekend in Newcastle a few years ago, we were in the residents bar at about 6am, and the staff were trying to kick us out,
This semi retarded guy with a really bad stutter came over to us,....

'La la la lads, ye ha ha ha ha hav hav hav have te go now'

My mate says, 'that's easy for you to say'

nusername · 28-06-2007 08:42PM

flogen wrote:

I'd consider myself a person of average wit

So your a halfwit? lol, thats my wit & I havent even read past your first sentence

Peyton Manning · 28-06-2007 08:51PM

2 good examples today, one from me, one from a workmate.

We were talking about that wrestler Chris Benoit who died, and my workmate said 'probably drugs, all those wrestlers die from drugs... benoit, eddie guerrero, british bulldog, bam bam bigelow, owen hart.......oh wait not owen hart...'

To which I replied 'Well he was quite high at the time...'

(only wrestling fans may get that)

Other one, clocked in and was talkin to one of the lads in the mornin and said 'jesus it was fair hard gettin up this morning' to which he replied 'must have been a sexy dream so' (took me a few seconds to cop on)

hallelujah · 28-06-2007 08:52PM

My friend and I were playing travel Connect Four in the queue in Bristol airport coming home from Glastonbury when my friend dropped the set (probably because I was winning). A stranger in the queue instantly turned around and said 'Connect Floor'.

Victor · 28-06-2007 09:00PM

A few years ago. Funny, but self-depreciating.

Sean: Has anyone seen "Snatch"? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0208092/

Me: Not since February.

Peyton Manning · 28-06-2007 09:01PM

hallelujah wrote:

My friend and I were playing travel Connect Four in the queue in Bristol airport coming home from Glastonbury when my friend dropped the set (probably because I was winning). A stranger in the queue instantly turned around and said 'Connect Floor'.

Bwa ha ha ha ha brilliant

m83 · 28-06-2007 09:10PM

Archimedes wrote:

Bwa ha ha ha ha brilliant

I second that! I bet he was so chuffed with himself afterwards. Shmarmy backstard, I'll show him!

Zebra3 · 28-06-2007 09:21PM

Was drinking in Dublin years ago one afternoon when a little pikey kid came in to the boozer and came over and started shaking one of those horrible fast food drink cups in front of me that had about 20p in it.

"You're all right, I'm loaded," I said to him.

Peter Collins · 28-06-2007 09:36PM

Lazare wrote:

At a stag weekend in Newcastle a few years ago, we were in the residents bar at about 6am, and the staff were trying to kick us out,
This semi retarded guy with a really bad stutter came over to us,....

'La la la lads, ye ha ha ha ha hav hav hav have te go now'

My mate says, 'that's easy for you to say'

Jeering a retard, now that is witty....dear oh dear

Lazare · 28-06-2007 09:47PM

Peter Collins wrote:

Jeering a retard, now that is witty....dear oh dear

Go suk a cok

Karoma · 28-06-2007 10:05PM

Lazare wrote:

Go suk a cok

¬_¬

flogen · 28-06-2007 10:06PM

nusername wrote:

So your a halfwit? lol, thats my wit & I havent even read past your first sentence

You sir, are a beacon of wit and intelligence. lol. lol. lol.

littlejp · 28-06-2007 10:06PM

Lazare wrote:

Go suk a cok

Now that's witty...

m83 · 28-06-2007 10:39PM

Go cook a sock!

Peter Collins · 28-06-2007 10:58PM

Lazare wrote:

Go suk a cok

????

This can't be allow...

.. oh wait :rolleyes: , 825 posts....he can say what he wants.

Karoma · 28-06-2007 11:31PM

Wonderful examples of 'wit'. ¬_¬
Unamusing abuse will get you a ban. Stop and get back on topic.

Sam Vimes · 28-06-2007 11:58PM

Rhyme wrote:

quipping at work can be a dangerous business.

i was working in a phone shop. i don't want to give the name but the 'quip' doesn't sound right without one so lets call it dixons

i was dealing with a customer and from behind her i heard a girl say very loudly to her friend "I HATE DIXONS". then when i was dealing with them she explained that the reason she hates the company is that she sent her phone off for repair and it came back water damaged (warranty void).

so she asked me why that particular phone was so ****. in fairness it does break an awwwwful lot but i said that we'd sold thousands and only a few had come back.

she said "well why did mine have to break?" and i responded: "cos dixons doesn't like you".

her friend pissed herself laughing. she wasn't impressed

AlmightyCushion · 29-06-2007 09:27AM

Lazare wrote:

At a stag weekend in Newcastle a few years ago, we were in the residents bar at about 6am, and the staff were trying to kick us out,
This semi retarded guy with a really bad stutter came over to us,....

'La la la lads, ye ha ha ha ha hav hav hav have te go now'

My mate says, 'that's easy for you to say'

I have to admit I lol'd

AlmightyCushion · 29-06-2007 09:44AM

Just had a brilliant one there. I was just having a scone for breakfast and I took a giant bite out of it. It was so big that my was full and I just thought "I appear to have bitten off more than I can chew"

Duggy747 · 29-06-2007 10:12AM

AlmightyCushion wrote:

Just had a brilliant one there. I was just having a scone for breakfast and I took a giant bite out of it. It was so big that my was full and I just thought "I appear to have bitten off more than I can chew"

Eurgh, how droll!

DBK · 29-06-2007 10:18AM

I was walking down by Pearse street dart station when a girl busy talking to her mate stepped off the curb and got hit by a bus. She was a little dazed and I went over to see if she was ok. She was like "what hit me?" "the number 7"

AlmightyCushion · 29-06-2007 10:35AM

Duggy747 wrote:

Eurgh, how droll!

Yeah I know but a gem. I must write it down and use it at some formal event.

Trojan911 · 29-06-2007 02:31PM

One I always use if I'm approached by street survey people when they spot you walking down the street. They move in with a big cheesy grin, the hand raised and the mouth open.....

Street survey person: Can I ask you one question?

Me: You just did, goodbye....

TJ911...

mudhole · 29-06-2007 02:39PM

Holy s^%t that was the funniest thing, yer gas

Beans_On · 29-06-2007 02:54PM

Trojan911 wrote:

One I always use if I'm approached by street survey people when they spot you walking down the street. They move in with a big cheesy grin, the hand raised and the mouth open.....

Street survey person: Can I ask you one question?

Me: You just did, goodbye....

TJ911...

or a just as witty reply "your not giving me much choice there mate":p

8k2q1gfcz9s5d4 · 29-06-2007 03:07PM

JC 2K3 wrote:

We were doing an experiment in Chemistry class last year in which involved lighting Ethyne on fire, which resulted in many particles of soot to diffuse around the room and fall like snowflakes. Minutes after the class ended I though of the greatest quip ever:

"OMG, it's like Emo Christmas!"

HammerHeadGym · 29-06-2007 06:42PM

Walking through London once we accosted by a hobo who said, 'I haven't eaten in days'

I replied, 'well you should force yourself mate, you look terrible'.

Lol, it's funny coz he's poor.

I gave hima fiver once i'd stopped laughing.

Undercoverguy · 29-06-2007 11:56PM

My mate Ken is standing at a bus stop on a lashing wet Monday morning. He's there 20 minutes, soaked, cold and really pissed off. Two little old grans waddle into view, pulling their two tarten little trolly bags behind them, scarfs wrapped around their heads to keep off the rain. "Has der been a number 5 along here son?" Ken replies that there hasn't been any bus for the last 20 miuntes. Suddenly a bus comes round the corner but it's not the right one for any of them.

It pulls over to let some passengers off and the two old gran make their way over, while one is standing in the entrance the other steps up to the driver and says "C'mere lad, how long will the next number 5 be?"

The driver looks at her...looks down the length of the bus and replies "Bout the same length as dis one love!"

Quick as a flash, the little old dear in the sentrance says
"And will there be a ****in monkey drivin' dat one too?!" and waddles off

.

BRILLIANT!!!!

B.L.Z. Bubb

Witty moments

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