Witty moments

flogen

I'd consider myself a person of average wit-abilities - that is to say that I'm often quick enough with average retorts and quips but a lot slower with the really killer ones (you know when you think of a superb quip about a half second after the conversation has moved on?).
Sometimes, just sometimes, I come out with a killer line at exactly the right moment, though. On one of those occasions, just like Homer Simpson, no-one else was around to hear it (and I can't even remember it now). I can promise you it was hilarious, though.

One quip I've always been proud of was one I delivered while working a part-time job at the age of around 16.
A common (but not quite skangery) girl was chatting away to myself and another guy in the stock room - at one point she turns to me and says "hee-or, do ye like me tan?" and without a second's hesitation I say "yeah it's lovely, where did you get it... Boots?", to which she replies with curses etc. and the other guy laughs a lot.

So now's the time for people of a similar wit-disposition to recite their proudest moments of quick-wittedness (including the ones that you thought of just a little bit too late to say out loud).

whiskeyman

YORE MA!!!!









my work here is done... thread can now be closed.

Rhyme

whiskeyman wrote:

YORE MA!!!!

This is EXACTLY what i thought of when reading flogen's post.

It's beginning to permeate my normal thinking as well; one of my bosses paid my office a visit with her new baby today and after a bit of chat she asked me a question which left an opening for 'yore ma'... i came SO close.

/offtopic

I'd like to think that i'm quick with a retort or a passing comment most of the time but i pass up a lot of oppurtunities for a complete lack of reason to unleash said jibe. Also, quipping at work can be a dangerous business.

flogen

Rhyme wrote:

Also, quipping at work can be a dangerous business.

These things are true - I've often thought of something good to say in the company of my girlfriend's family but held back because I wasn't comfortable enough and couldn't gauge the reaction. Am more comfortable now, though, so I'm a bit more confident in slagging someone and knowing they won't hate me for it!

Peyton Manning

The old classic..

When a mate is round at your house, and asks

"can i go to the toilet?"

"I dont know, can you?"

00112984

A couple of years ago, my Mom was in hospital due to severe dizziness. They thought she had vertigo and were doing tests. I was due to visit her and was driving to the hospital when my mobile rang- it was Mom telling me that she was being discharged as they had diagnosed a severe ear infection and given her antibiotics. I said grand, I'll come and bring you home so.

I got to her room and she was sitting there, waiting for me, in a nice Mammy-suit.

All I could say was-
"Aww, look at you. All dressed up and no vertigo!"

I thought that was quite good

JC 2K3

We were doing an experiment in Chemistry class last year in which involved lighting Ethyne on fire, which resulted in many particles of soot to diffuse around the room and fall like snowflakes. Minutes after the class ended I though of the greatest quip ever:

"OMG, it's like Emo Christmas!"

Glowing

00112984 wrote:

"Aww, look at you. All dressed up and no vertigo!"

That one made me laugh out loud!

electric69

In a helicopter..conversation went something along the lines of this

"so what happens if this light comes on"

"we have to land immediately"

"what happens if we cant land immediately"

"we die"

Zzippy

Not my idea, but now my standard reply to chuggers:
When asked "Can I have a quick word?" just reply "Velocity" and walk on...

Sangre

Archimedes wrote:

The old classic..

When a mate is round at your house, and asks

"can i go to the toilet?"

"I dont know, can you?"

Well, if its a 'classic' its hardly an example of you being witty is it?

Peyton Manning

Sangre wrote:

Well, if its a 'classic' its hardly an example of you being witty is it?

You want wit? Bite my left testicle you kn0b. Hows that for ya.

Lazare

Few years ago, I just got back from a holiday in Turkey and a man in work I just met a few minutes previously says to me... 'How did you find it?'

'I just got off the plane and it was there' says me.

He was less than impressed. I lol'd though.

Lazare

Archimedes wrote:

You want wit? Bite my left testicle you kn0b. Hows that for ya.

Don't know how it would be for him, but it would surely be a tad uncomfortable for you.

Peyton Manning

Lazare wrote:

Don't know how it would be for him, but it would surely be a tad uncomfortable for you.

Thats it, you can have the right one...

Collie D

Lazare wrote:

Don't know how it would be for him, but it would surely be a tad uncomfortable for you.

Now that was witty

Lazare

Archimedes wrote:

Thats it, you can have the right one...

Lol, ok then, but you'll have to change your handle to 'BarryGibbimedes'

m83

I remeber being at a party before and almost all the snacks were bought in Lidl. "It's like Lidl house on the prarie around here" I quipped


Also anytime foreigners approach me selling roses i just rub my belly and say "no thanks, i've eaten" confuses the fcuk out of them!


I truly am the living end :rolleyes:

The Walsho

m83 wrote:

I remeber being at a party before and almost all the snacks were bought in Lidl. "It's like Lidl house on the prarie around here" I quipped


Also anytime foreigners approach me selling roses i just rub my belly and say "no thanks, i've eaten" confuses the fcuk out of them!


I truly am the living end :rolleyes:

Well done sir.
I've been waiting for a thread like this, but when it comes around I've forgotten all my strokes of genius.
I need to write more stuff down goddammit.

ctc_celtic

when i was 15 working as a floor boy in a hotel, i had just served a fella a brandy and baileys, but the baileys had reacted to something in the glass and had wee bits in it. (i didn't notice when i served it)
the fella called me back and said 'there's small hard bits in my drink', i looked in the glass and said 'its called ice'
got a huge laugh of all his mates, but just as i said it, i though, fcuk i'll get fired for this. but what made it all the better was that the manager was at the end of the bar laughing too.

the whole year inn

not me but a good mate working in dunnes, he was working in drappery at the time mens i think, he was asked the question "do you work in shoes " he reply was "I have to its a health and safty issue" I thought funny as hell.not as funny but my brotheyr at the check out when a girl approches she says "are you checking me out " with the reply "are you checking me out wink" prob loads more but its to late.


a side note how does every one find these sharp quips work with women i find terrible.Any thoughts?

Kolodny

When I was about 16, I unintentionally caused convulsions in a friend a few days after I'd plucked my eyebrows a little overenthusiastically. I got so carried away on one of them that it was barely there.

Friend: (whilst inspecting my face closely) How's your eyebrow? (meaning the overplucked one)
Me: Lonely.

AlmightyCushion

m83 wrote:

I remeber being at a party before and almost all the snacks were bought in Lidl. "It's like Lidl house on the prarie around here" I quipped


Also anytime foreigners approach me selling roses i just rub my belly and say "no thanks, i've eaten" confuses the fcuk out of them!


I truly am the living end :rolleyes:

Not one of my own but hilarious none the less. I was in a pub and one of the romanians with the roses comes up to me and asks me would I like one. I kindly declined. Just before she turned away from me some guy from the corner of the pub shouts "I'll buy one if you show me your green card" and I ended up laughing in the poor woman's face.

judas101

Galwayguy99 wrote:

Not my idea, but now my standard reply to chuggers:
When asked "Can I have a quick word?" just reply "Velocity" and walk on...

Gordan Strachan invented this I think. He used it to escape from reporters

bandit*baby

Archimedes wrote:

The old classic..

When a mate is round at your house, and asks

"can i go to the toilet?"

"no!!!"

a couple of years back (i frown when i think of how many it really was) a girl where i live had a baby - i know i know shock shock horror horror- anyway she was a particularly short and slim girl..
so my friend turns to me and says "she's so tiny how did she take it?"
and i turned to her and said "jesus ye and then she had to go throught the labour"
twas particularly proud of myself

Dun laoire

Him: Tony go put the Kettle on

Me: It wont fit

Tar.Aldarion

I'm always witty and suave, especially suave.

Peter Collins

00112984 wrote:

All I could say was-
"Aww, look at you. All dressed up and no vertigo!"

I thought that was quite good

“My mother had been complaining of dizziness, so Dad took her to the doctor’s office for a checkup. She finished early, went shopping, and told Dad, “I feel much better now that I bought myself a new hat.” “Good,” Dad replied. “You’re all dressed up and no vertigo.” (Contributed to Reader’s Digest by Betty Booher Jones)

To quote Morrissey "don't plagarise or take on loan, cos there's always someone, somwhere, with a big nose who knows, and trips you up and laughs when you fall"

Blackpitts

I was having a chat via the company "instant messaging" tool and a mate asked :
"where are you today? I don't see you in the office"
me: "yep, I'm in Paris."
colleague: "oh, what brought you there?"
me: "a plane"....

Another one,
Once my friend asked me: "do you know what time is it pls?"
I looked at my watch and I said: "yes"

Duggy747

Down in the pub one day and my friend, who does Philisophy, called me a "geek 101" cuz I'm doing Networking in college. I quickly replied:

"Ah, at least I'll excel in jobs 101 while you're stuck here waiting for the Philisophy factory to open."

Ba-Zing!!!

rebelcork

A few years ago when working on a ferry to the Aran Islands a yank asked me "where is the best place to sit so that I don't get seasick?"Quick as a flash "under an oak tree"I replied.My boss cracked up!I took the yank 5minutes to get the joke, priceless.

Jimoslimos

AlmightyCushion wrote:

Not one of my own but hilarious none the less. I was in a pub and one of the romanians with the roses comes up to me and asks me would I like one. I kindly declined. Just before she turned away from me some guy from the corner of the pub shouts "I'll buy one if you show me your green card" and I ended up laughing in the poor woman's face.

Can it really be considered witty if the person hasn't two words of english and therefore no possible chance of a comeback tho?

Pighead

Peter Collins wrote:

“My mother had been complaining of dizziness, so Dad took her to the doctor’s office for a checkup. She finished early, went shopping, and told Dad, “I feel much better now that I bought myself a new hat.” “Good,” Dad replied. “You’re all dressed up and no vertigo.” (Contributed to Reader’s Digest by Betty Booher Jones)

To quote Morrissey "don't plagarise or take on loan, cos there's always someone, somwhere, with a big nose who knows, and trips you up and laughs when you fall"

To quote Pighead "Put a fcuking sock in it Collins, you tart"

AlmightyCushion

Jimoslimos wrote:

Can it really be considered witty if the person hasn't two words of english and therefore no possible chance of a comeback tho?

Yes.

To be pedantic. "Roses, two euro" equals 3 words of English.

Dudess

Pighead wrote:

To quote Pighead "Put a fcuking sock in it Collins, you tart"

Ooh I love a good online feud!

Duggy747

Jimoslimos wrote:

Can it really be considered witty if the person hasn't two words of english and therefore no possible chance of a comeback tho?

Yes!

Remember the night AlmightyCushion when we haggled with them and got those crappy flashing things off them for about 90 cent?

Peter Collins

Dudess wrote:

Ooh I love a good online feud!

...and don't you know we'll end up in bed together!

Dudess

That is just HOT!!!

AlmightyCushion

Duggy747 wrote:

Yes!

Remember the night AlmightyCushion when we haggled with them and got those crappy flashing things off them for about 90 cent?

Ah yes good times. Still a bloody rip off though but it was worth it for the sheer hilarity of it.

Don1

When working in a posh hotel/golf club bar in a small ickle town called Tullow. A "goy" comes up to the bar and asks my boss (at the time) where would he recommend to go drinking in the village (it's a town asshole). As the boss was from Dublin he didn't know so he turned to me, and asked to which I promptly replied "I wouldn't drink in Tullow it's a kip" and turned back to what I was doing with a blank expression. My boss had to walk away breaking his hole laughing. The customer hadn't a clue what to do.

Legend of a barman in my local has a good few. Two that spring to mind:

After returning from holidays a regular customer asks: "Did Many go"?
Beanie: "Well the plane was packed"

At a private party where one of the old locals had just woken up:

Beanie: "come on Crimmins, get out to be ****ed!"
Crimmins: "I'm not interfering with anyone"
Beanie: "I'd say it's a while since you interfered with anyone alright"

Zzippy

I was working in a pub in Dublin many years ago, the weekend of the Ireland-Wales rugby match. Anyway, I was collecting glasses, and picked up an empty pint glass from this table of Welsh lads , all in their red jerseys - it had a little bit of Guinness head at the bottom but no beer left. The Welsh lad who had been drinking it said "hey mate, there's still some left in that", so I looked at it carefully, put it down, looked at him and said " sorry mate, I didn't realise you were Scottish"
His mates all cracked up laughing at him, he was speechless, and I got loads of tips from that table for the rest of the night

ats

was working in a pub in Germany many moons ago. I had had an accident and had a cast on my hand and one afternoon was working on my own and three English lads came in and started the Here paddy sh1te, so without pause i said "sorry mate, I'm Mike Paddy works the night shift".

anyway the keep it up and are really getting on my tits when one of them starts on about the cast on my hand, "what's up there paddy, bit of w@mkers cramp is it? Brothel up the road and he still can't get laid!" he proceeds to laugh and wink at his mates thinking he's great. So i stop washing glasses and turn around dead pan "yeah you're right, see your wife was off with one of her other clients last night so i had to service myself, my had slipped coz i used too much soap and went through the shower door, but if it makes you feel better your wife promised to kiss it all better for me when i spoke to her earlier today." the look on his face was priceless and his two mates fell off their stools laughing, they even bought me a pint each.

Siogfinsceal

used to work in a mace with a friend. when it got busy she would open the third till and call out 'I'll take someone up here' so I replied ' I bet ya will ya slapper'

HammerHeadGym

When I used to work as a bouncer a few years back, I got home to a wee session in the gaff. One of the lads asked 'Hurt anyone tonight?' I shot back with, 'Nothing serious, broke a few hearts'

ZING!!

stooge

A few years back in college me and my mates were playing footy in the park. I missed a particularly easy chance and one of my mates said to me "you couldnt score in a brothel with a tenner on your knob"..... to which I replied..."well I scored with your sister last night"

and I had. needless to say the fcukface had no comeback to that.

AlmightyCushion

stooge wrote:

A few years back in college me and my mates were playing footy in the park. I missed a particularly easy chance and one of my mates said to me "you couldnt score in a brothel with a tenner on your knob"..... to which I replied..."well I scored with your sister last night"

and I had.

In fairness he walked into that one.

stooge

AlmightyCushion wrote:

In fairness he walked into that one.

well in fairness he wasn't out with us so he hadnt known.

Peter Collins

ats wrote:

his two mates fell off their stools laughing

Jesus I've never seen anyone fall of a stool laughing, never mind two at once!

Gone West

Was walking to work one time, wearing a fairly snazzeh suit.
A pair of girls walking towards me on the street. One had an unnaturally unproportionately large ass, at least 3 times too big for her body.

So they walk by, and she says "Where'd ya get the suit? Hugo Boss? *chuckle chuckle chuckle*"

I quip back, where'd ya get that ass? McDonalds?"

Duggy747

FuzzyLogic wrote:

I quip back, where'd ya get that ass? McDonalds?"

*Clap* *Clap* *Clap* That is brilliant, gotta remember that one!

AlmightyCushion

stooge wrote:

well in fairness he wasn't out with us so he hadnt known.

Nice way to break it to him. Did any of the other lads know about it?