Witty moments

Jimoslimos · 28-06-2007 11:32AM

AlmightyCushion wrote:

Not one of my own but hilarious none the less. I was in a pub and one of the romanians with the roses comes up to me and asks me would I like one. I kindly declined. Just before she turned away from me some guy from the corner of the pub shouts "I'll buy one if you show me your green card" and I ended up laughing in the poor woman's face.

Can it really be considered witty if the person hasn't two words of english and therefore no possible chance of a comeback tho?

Pighead · 28-06-2007 11:38AM

Peter Collins wrote:

“My mother had been complaining of dizziness, so Dad took her to the doctor’s office for a checkup. She finished early, went shopping, and told Dad, “I feel much better now that I bought myself a new hat.” “Good,” Dad replied. “You’re all dressed up and no vertigo.” (Contributed to Reader’s Digest by Betty Booher Jones)

To quote Morrissey "don't plagarise or take on loan, cos there's always someone, somwhere, with a big nose who knows, and trips you up and laughs when you fall"

To quote Pighead "Put a fcuking sock in it Collins, you tart"

AlmightyCushion · 28-06-2007 11:40AM

Jimoslimos wrote:

Can it really be considered witty if the person hasn't two words of english and therefore no possible chance of a comeback tho?

Yes.

To be pedantic. "Roses, two euro" equals 3 words of English.

Dudess · 28-06-2007 11:45AM

Pighead wrote:

To quote Pighead "Put a fcuking sock in it Collins, you tart"

Ooh I love a good online feud!

Duggy747 · 28-06-2007 11:45AM

Jimoslimos wrote:

Can it really be considered witty if the person hasn't two words of english and therefore no possible chance of a comeback tho?

Yes!

Remember the night AlmightyCushion when we haggled with them and got those crappy flashing things off them for about 90 cent?

Peter Collins · 28-06-2007 11:54AM

Dudess wrote:

Ooh I love a good online feud!

...and don't you know we'll end up in bed together!

Dudess · 28-06-2007 11:58AM

That is just HOT!!!

AlmightyCushion · 28-06-2007 12:01PM

Duggy747 wrote:

Yes!

Remember the night AlmightyCushion when we haggled with them and got those crappy flashing things off them for about 90 cent?

Ah yes good times. Still a bloody rip off though but it was worth it for the sheer hilarity of it.

Don1 · 28-06-2007 12:08PM

When working in a posh hotel/golf club bar in a small ickle town called Tullow. A "goy" comes up to the bar and asks my boss (at the time) where would he recommend to go drinking in the village (it's a town asshole). As the boss was from Dublin he didn't know so he turned to me, and asked to which I promptly replied "I wouldn't drink in Tullow it's a kip" and turned back to what I was doing with a blank expression. My boss had to walk away breaking his hole laughing. The customer hadn't a clue what to do.

Legend of a barman in my local has a good few. Two that spring to mind:

After returning from holidays a regular customer asks: "Did Many go"?
Beanie: "Well the plane was packed"

At a private party where one of the old locals had just woken up:

Beanie: "come on Crimmins, get out to be ****ed!"
Crimmins: "I'm not interfering with anyone"
Beanie: "I'd say it's a while since you interfered with anyone alright"

Zzippy · 28-06-2007 12:16PM

I was working in a pub in Dublin many years ago, the weekend of the Ireland-Wales rugby match. Anyway, I was collecting glasses, and picked up an empty pint glass from this table of Welsh lads , all in their red jerseys - it had a little bit of Guinness head at the bottom but no beer left. The Welsh lad who had been drinking it said "hey mate, there's still some left in that", so I looked at it carefully, put it down, looked at him and said " sorry mate, I didn't realise you were Scottish"
His mates all cracked up laughing at him, he was speechless, and I got loads of tips from that table for the rest of the night

ats · 28-06-2007 02:00PM

was working in a pub in Germany many moons ago. I had had an accident and had a cast on my hand and one afternoon was working on my own and three English lads came in and started the Here paddy sh1te, so without pause i said "sorry mate, I'm Mike Paddy works the night shift".

anyway the keep it up and are really getting on my tits when one of them starts on about the cast on my hand, "what's up there paddy, bit of w@mkers cramp is it? Brothel up the road and he still can't get laid!" he proceeds to laugh and wink at his mates thinking he's great. So i stop washing glasses and turn around dead pan "yeah you're right, see your wife was off with one of her other clients last night so i had to service myself, my had slipped coz i used too much soap and went through the shower door, but if it makes you feel better your wife promised to kiss it all better for me when i spoke to her earlier today." the look on his face was priceless and his two mates fell off their stools laughing, they even bought me a pint each.

Siogfinsceal · 28-06-2007 02:18PM

used to work in a mace with a friend. when it got busy she would open the third till and call out 'I'll take someone up here' so I replied ' I bet ya will ya slapper'

HammerHeadGym · 28-06-2007 02:26PM

When I used to work as a bouncer a few years back, I got home to a wee session in the gaff. One of the lads asked 'Hurt anyone tonight?' I shot back with, 'Nothing serious, broke a few hearts'

ZING!!

stooge · 28-06-2007 02:42PM

A few years back in college me and my mates were playing footy in the park. I missed a particularly easy chance and one of my mates said to me "you couldnt score in a brothel with a tenner on your knob"..... to which I replied..."well I scored with your sister last night"

and I had. needless to say the fcukface had no comeback to that.

AlmightyCushion · 28-06-2007 02:43PM

stooge wrote:

A few years back in college me and my mates were playing footy in the park. I missed a particularly easy chance and one of my mates said to me "you couldnt score in a brothel with a tenner on your knob"..... to which I replied..."well I scored with your sister last night"

and I had.

In fairness he walked into that one.

stooge · 28-06-2007 02:45PM

AlmightyCushion wrote:

In fairness he walked into that one.

well in fairness he wasn't out with us so he hadnt known.

Peter Collins · 28-06-2007 02:46PM

ats wrote:

his two mates fell off their stools laughing

Jesus I've never seen anyone fall of a stool laughing, never mind two at once!

Gone West · 28-06-2007 02:48PM

Was walking to work one time, wearing a fairly snazzeh suit.
A pair of girls walking towards me on the street. One had an unnaturally unproportionately large ass, at least 3 times too big for her body.

So they walk by, and she says "Where'd ya get the suit? Hugo Boss? *chuckle chuckle chuckle*"

I quip back, where'd ya get that ass? McDonalds?"

Duggy747 · 28-06-2007 02:51PM

FuzzyLogic wrote:

I quip back, where'd ya get that ass? McDonalds?"

*Clap* *Clap* *Clap* That is brilliant, gotta remember that one!

AlmightyCushion · 28-06-2007 02:58PM

stooge wrote:

well in fairness he wasn't out with us so he hadnt known.

Nice way to break it to him. Did any of the other lads know about it?

L31mr0d · 28-06-2007 03:30PM

ah the horrible thing with good witty moments is that I usually forget them as soon as i've said them, as they are more of a knee jerk reaction to a comment or situation.

But anyway, the old classics I use

When in a chipper ask: "do you have any chicken wings?"
When they reply: "yeah"
Say: "well use them to fly over there and get me a bag of chips wudya"

Siogfinsceal · 28-06-2007 03:41PM

was in a chipper recently.
Skanger comes in 'gizz a dinner box with a breast' to which the girl who was really busy replies 'sorry I have no breasts today'. Skanger 'you have no breasts? wha wha wha' poor girl was mortified ;-)

It BeeMee · 28-06-2007 03:57PM

You know if you're a bloke sitting at a woman's desk, someone always comes up with the witty "Gee Mary, you've changed"

My reply: "HRT"

Dudess · 28-06-2007 04:00PM

Can't say I've spotted anything particularly Wildean in this thread. Sorry.

Blackhorse Slim · 28-06-2007 04:08PM

Many years ago I was out drinking and happened to enter the toilets as a young friend of mine was just 'finished'. He was about to walk out when an older gentleman, still at the urinal, called out to him - 'are you not going to wash your hands?' My friend, slightly the worse for drink, steadied himself, looked the man up and down, and replied 'No. I didn't p!ss on mine.'

hullaballoo · 28-06-2007 04:14PM

One of the regulars in the pub I work in Greystones last summer was having trouble with some fruit flies near his pint; "fcuking bar flies!", to which I replied, "you can't really talk".

Lead balloon.

SoundWave · 28-06-2007 04:25PM

was playin poker in a mates house recently... me and one guy i hardly know went all in (no pun intended)... i won and he got very p'd off... so he says... its ok i still 9 euros change from the tenner i gave you ma for a ride.....

so i replied.... well...that makes since as she charges by the inch.

stooge · 28-06-2007 04:37PM

AlmightyCushion wrote:

Nice way to break it to him. Did any of the other lads know about it?

aye, a few of the ones playing knew about it, bust out laughing when I said it

AlmightyCushion · 28-06-2007 04:38PM

stooge wrote:

aye, a few of the ones playing knew about it, bust out laughing when I said it

Ha ha ha.

Way to show him.

Crumble Froo · 28-06-2007 04:47PM

SoundWave wrote:

was playin poker in a mates house recently... me and one guy i hardly know went all in (no pun intended)... i won and he got very p'd off... so he says... its ok i still 9 euros change from the tenner i gave you ma for a ride.....

so i replied.... well...that makes since as she charges by the inch.

brilliant!

i come out with some really random but apparently brilliant stuff sometimes, usually without realising it, places do be in stitches, but i cant think of jack as an example!:mad:

Witty moments

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