Virginity late on - a big deal?

Drift · 24-05-2007 12:01PM

Kell wrote:

Sex can also be terrificly bad with someone you care for. Then what do you do?

Work on it! I have no doubt that the first time will be pretty **** (almost everyone agrees on that). I think its marksutton that always says if you want your lover to be a great lover you need to become one yourself. So thats what I'll do discuss, ask for advice, practise etc.

Kell wrote:

You're in too deep at that stage and theres far too many people over on PI's in relationships crying that the sex lives are crap and beating themselves up because they want to get out because of it.

I find it hard to believe that two people who are commited to each other can't work on making sex enjoyable and fullfilling for both partners but obviously if it turns out you're completely incompatible after a working on it and putting in the effort then you have to consider if the relationship should continue ....

Kell wrote:

Some hold out and get fulfil their dreams of amazing sex with someone they deepy love. Most dont.

Surely its not that rare that people in love with each other have amazing sex

Are you saying that you've never been in love with someone and enjoyed the sex too?

Dun laoire · 24-05-2007 12:05PM

Dudess wrote:

Oh I'd probably wonder why, but I don't think it would put me off having sex with him if I'm attracted to him in the first place. But I suppose (and don't slate me!) most men aged 29 who are still virgins are probably a bit geeky and wouldn't be all that attractive anyway, but not all. Don't get me wrong - I'm not looking for a stud - far from it - but I get the feeling that guys who are still virgins at 29 are more than likely going to be mammy's boy types. But I've no doubt there are attractive ones too - just not very many.

Pighead is geeky and you want to lash the knob off him!! For the record. I think pighead is a wonderful fella

Drift · 24-05-2007 12:09PM

The third person thing would get me ...... can you imagine him shouting ...

"Pighead loves it when you do that, stick your thumb in pighead's bum, pighead is about to come!"

So buy a pair of ear muffs first Dudess

Kell · 24-05-2007 12:10PM

Drift wrote:

Surely its not that rare that people in love with each other have amazing sex

You'd be surprised. Again, how many PI's have there been of late on the same topic eg "I love her/him but the sex is crap even after I discussed it with them.

Drift wrote:

Are you saying that you've never been in love with someone and enjoyed the sex too?

Dont put words in my mouth. I have had unfulfilling and fulfilling sex with people I love. Doesnt tell you anything though does it hence I question your logic of holding out.

Dudess wrote:

but I get the feeling that guys who are still virgins at 29 are more than likely going to be mammy's boy types. But I've no doubt there are attractive ones too - just not very many.

Still struggling with the contradictions? No? Surely!

K-

Drift · 24-05-2007 12:26PM

Kell wrote:

I question your logic of holding out.

As do I every now and then. But every time so far I've given it serious thought and considered my future expectations of myself and my life I've come down on the holding out side.

I can't guarantee I'd feel the same way if I'm still a virgin at 30 cos thats 6 years down the road - realistically I don't see it getting that far though. Some of my friends are of the same opinion as you Kell and wonder why I don't just go out and bring a randomer home, they genuinely believe that it'd be good for me. Maybe they're right but I don't think so myself.

There is obviously a possibility that I may regret not sleeping around in my twenties when I'm older but I don't think I will. All I can say is at the moment I'm going with what I feel is the right thing for me.

Dudess · 24-05-2007 12:30PM

Kell, I said:

"Oh I'd probably wonder why, but I don't think it would put me off having sex with him if I'm attracted to him in the first place. But I suppose (and don't slate me!) most men aged 29 who are still virgins are probably a bit geeky and wouldn't be all that attractive anyway, but not all. Don't get me wrong - I'm not looking for a stud - far from it - but I get the feeling that guys who are still virgins at 29 are more than likely going to be mammy's boy types. But I've no doubt there are attractive ones too - just not very many."

Does that not demonstrate that I wouldn't be bothered about a guy's sexual history, as long as I'm attracted to him?

Kell · 24-05-2007 12:34PM

Drift wrote:

Some of my friends are of the same opinion as you Kell and wonder why I don't just go out and bring a randomer home, they genuinely believe that it'd be good for me.

I am not advocating that for a moment. What I am suggesting, and backed up by years of experience both personal and others and that of the great unwashed, is that your logic is flawed.

Did you ever get anything in your life that you saved up for ages for, made sacrifices for and nearly came with excitement over when it finally arrived, only to find that no matter how much you poked, prodded and nudged it, it still didnt make you go anything more than durr?

Getting intimate- one of lifes most brilliant and disappointing experiences depending on how experienced you are.

K-

Kell · 24-05-2007 12:37PM

Dudess wrote:

Kell, I said:

And I mean that you have indicated that you dont really have a preference, yet on one hand you slight mid twenties virgins as being mammies boys and on the other, suggest that mid twenties virgin males are a good thing.

By that logic, how can you be attracted to anyone if you dont know what it is you want?

K-

Drift · 24-05-2007 12:40PM

Kell wrote:

Getting intimate- one of lifes most brilliant and disappointing experiences of your life depeding on how experienced you are.
K-

Are you saying that when I do find a girl who I want to be intimate with (because I have strong feelings for her) that it may not be any good specifically because of my lack of previous experience?

And hence I should be out there trying to get as much experience as possible now with people I don't really care about? Like playing a few challenge matches to prepare for the championship?

I'm not trying to put words in your mouth here just trying to clarify so I can respond......

Dudess · 24-05-2007 12:47PM

Kell wrote:

you slight mid twenties virgins as being mammies boys and on the other, suggest that mid twenties virgin males are a good thing.

By that logic, how can you be attracted to anyone if you dont know what it is you want?

K-

I apologised for the "mammy's boy" comment. I said I reckoned it was likely that the majority of lads who are still virgins are geeky, mammy's boys - not as an insult, but simply because that's what I reckoned they are. But the crucial point is: I said that the majority - NOT ALL - are probably mammy's boys. And that I'm sure there are attractive ones too. You're selecting bits of my posts.

Kell · 24-05-2007 12:47PM

Drift wrote:

Are you saying that when I do find a girl who I want to be intimate with (because I have strong feelings for her) that it may not be any good specifically because of my lack of previous experience?

Look from the outside in. What about her perception of the proceedings. is SHE going take the time till you get up to speed and then think "Ah fúck this I am off" leaving you devastated and bitter? Or alternatively, you could get up to speed faster than your virgin GF and after a few months think "fúck this for a game of soldiers, I am off". Such is life, but again, why wait for life to happen when you can make it happen?

Drift wrote:

And hence I should be out there trying to get as much experience as possible now with people I don't really care about?

No, I didnt suggest this. I didnt advocate you get into one nighters so I am advocating you care about the person. Doesnt mean you have to be in a relationship to care about someone and that they care for you too to have sex with them.

Besides, even with one nighters you care for them anyway*. But, there is nothing stopping you pursuing a woman you have had sex with on a one nighter and developing it as I have done several times.

K-

*Until the hangover wears off.

Kell · 24-05-2007 12:49PM

Dudess wrote:

You're selecting bits of my posts.

No- I am suggesting that you dont actually know what it is you want and that your posting swings from one train of thought to the other.

K-

Dudess · 24-05-2007 12:53PM

I disagree. I have a live-and-let-live outlook when it comes to sexual behaviour. Once the person is cool with their choices, then I respect whatever those choices are.

blahhh · 24-05-2007 03:03PM

arrrggghh stupid.....just ate my reply...

I was the same as Drift, I wanted to wait for someone I trusted and felt comfortable with.

Few years past and all my friends were "gettin Some", few were in relationships, one night stands...friends with benefits. (I'm only 19 and I <i>know</i> that's not old..but where I live and amoungst my friends it seems to be).

I had plenty of oppertunities to lose it with ex bfs, friends...randomers. And a lot of people assumed I had sex before. I dunno if I would call it peer pressure, but I ended up losing it to someone I barely knew, only by first name. In the end it worked out grand, because I'm still with him months later. At the time I never told him I was a virgin....but he knew. And from what I knew of him he was quite the man whore

So it could have gone ar.se ways, in the sense that I would have totally regreted the whole thing.

I think the media inadvertently influences peoples (esp young peoples) decisions on losing it. Along with the pressure you put on yourself (which is the biggest wreckhead), it can be hard to hold out for the right person.

I think I would understand if a guy was still a virgin at 25 (without reilgious commitments). I honestly thought I'd be a virgin till 40. I would feel pleased if a guy felt he could trust and feel comfortable enough with me to lose it to me.

Drift · 24-05-2007 03:20PM

Kell wrote:

Look from the outside in. What about her perception of the proceedings. is SHE going take the time till you get up to speed and then think "Ah fúck this I am off" leaving you devastated and bitter?

It could happen but in the long run wouldn't I be better off without a girl like this? Most people get dumped at one point or another. If a girl dumped me because of my lack of experience its her loss. Not to say I wouldn't be hurt, but we've all been hurt and I don't think you have to be sexually experienced to get over being hurt.

Kell wrote:

Or alternatively, you could get up to speed faster than your virgin GF and after a few months think "fúck this for a game of soldiers, I am off". Such is life, but again, why wait for life to happen when you can make it happen?

Thats where I see the advantage of my method. If its a girl I care about I won't mind waiting for a few months ... I've already waited 24 years!

Kell wrote:

No, I didnt suggest this. I didnt advocate you get into one nighters so I am advocating you care about the person. Doesnt mean you have to be in a relationship to care about someone and that they care for you too to have sex with them.

I've a suspiscion that I'd be "that guy" who gets more attached to her than she is to me (in a ****-buddy type setup). From what you've read about me so far wouldn't you agree?

Kell wrote:

But, there is nothing stopping you pursuing a woman you have had sex with on a one nighter and developing it as I have done several times.

A very valid point that I don't disagree with.

I doubt either of us will agree on this Kell, I think I see your point in that you're telling me I'm missing out on an important part of life. I also hope you see mine, even though you don't agree with it, that I think sex will be something more meaningful and hence more enjoyable if I save it for within a relationship (which I am looking for, just haven't found it yet).

LegacyUser · 24-05-2007 03:45PM

Drift it will be, keep on waiting if that's what you want and feel...I have had sex before and none of it compares to what I have with my girlfriend who I am deeply in love with.

Kell · 25-05-2007 10:34AM

Drift wrote:

I also hope you see mine, even though you don't agree with it, that I think sex will be something more meaningful and hence more enjoyable if I save it for within a relationship (which I am looking for, just haven't found it yet).

Few things. You havent had relationships. You havent had sex. You havent been rejected. You havent rejected someone. You cant even imagine the plethora of reasons you can possibly dump someone for, inc. sex or absence of. You have NO experience to base your wishes or comments on.

I do. Hence, I just cannot see your logic at all.

Drift wrote:

I've a suspiscion that I'd be "that guy" who gets more attached to her than she is to me (in a ****-buddy type setup). From what you've read about me so far wouldn't you agree?

Yes you do. But whats wrong with that? You get burnt, brush yourself down, and move on.

To be honest, you havent had any relationships and dont want one night stands or fúck buddies and I am beginning to form the idea that you have an innate fear of being burned. I had an ex once who didnt do this, that and the other for fear of being burned but had no experience of being burnt to justify the fear.

Would that be an accurate, if you were being honest, appraisal of whats keeping you off? I also find the absence of a GF at 24 quite odd too, but thats not a criticism, and dont take it as one.

K-

HashSlinging · 25-05-2007 10:49AM

A mate of mine is a 40 year old virgin, he has had loads of really nice looking girls as girlfriends, I mean agency models... and they dump him because he wont sha* them, seriously..

Tar.Aldarion · 25-05-2007 10:50AM

Call Me Jimmy wrote:

I'm a 20 and haven't gotten any notches on me belt. My feeling is this:
I absolutely hate the way I look, if I have to look in the mirror it's pretty much the same as in Vanilly Sky where he has the nightmare about lookin in the mirror.

The way I see it is, if I can't even look at myself then I can't imagine how it's possible for anyone else to be attracted to me. Sob sob.

I don't see how it affects anyone else that I'm not sowing the wild oats but sure we all need to slag someone about something.

Ah don't worry, everybody finds different things attractive. Just because you wouldn't do you, doesn't mean everybody wouldn't.

Dudess · 25-05-2007 11:07AM

Well put, Tar.

Jimmy, you need to work on your confidence, man. You've GOT to start loving yourself. That post is really sad. I hope you work things out.

Drift · 25-05-2007 12:39PM

Kell wrote:

You havent had relationships.

True

Kell wrote:

You havent had sex.

True

Kell wrote:

You havent been rejected.

False ... been rejected by a few girls. You don't have to be having sex with a girl for her to reject you.

Kell wrote:

You havent rejected someone.

False again .... I don't have to be having sex with a girl to reject her.

Kell wrote:

You have NO experience to base your wishes or comments on. I do. Hence, I just cannot see your logic at all.

I've never shot someone either but I've an opinion on that too! I realise I have no experience sexually but it doesn't preclude me from having an opinion about it and just because I lack experience doesn't mean I have to automatically agree with your opinion on it. I have no problem taking it on board and adding it to the facts I consider when I make up my mind about these things.

Kell wrote:

To be honest, you havent had any relationships and dont want one night stands or fúck buddies and I am beginning to form the idea that you have an innate fear of being burned. Would that be an accurate, if you were being honest, appraisal of whats keeping you off ?

I've been burned before, it wasn't nice but I got over it. Honest appraisal of whats keeping me off is detailed below...

Kell wrote:

I also find the absence of a GF at 24 quite odd too, but thats not a criticism, and dont take it as one.

None taken as they say. If I had got a GF at 19 and only had sex in monogomous relationship(s) since would you be saying the same things to me? You asked for an honest appraisal of whats keeping me off and this is it, the lack of a significant other. The reasons for not having had one by the age of 24 are the standard ones you see in PI every day of the week and they're something I have to work on myself.

Dudess · 25-05-2007 01:15PM

Kell wrote:

I also find the absence of a GF at 24 quite odd too, but thats not a criticism, and dont take it as one.

The absence of a girlfriend or a sex life? It's surely not odd to not have a boyfriend/girlfriend at 24. I didn't have a boyfriend when I was 24. It's actually not odd to not have a girlfriend/boyfriend at any age.

Drift · 25-05-2007 01:50PM

I think he means the absence of ever having one long enough to lose my virginity to.

JustCoz · 26-05-2007 05:07PM

It's only as big of a deal as you make it in your head. There are loads of people out there in or around the same age as you Drift who are still virgins. Just don't make it such a big issue that it becomes a problem. It will happen for you in the end and when it does you'll be glad you waited. Don't listen to Kell- bad logic and bad advice IMO

redfacedbear · 27-05-2007 01:11AM

I was in a similar situation to you Drift. Didn't have sex until I was 22 (10 years ago at this stage :eek: )

The opportunities just didn't seem to come my way before then. When it happened, I was in my first serious relationship and I've told myself since then that while it may have been late at least it was with someone special.

However, I think I'm wrong about that!

I'm now married and from this perspective that relationship doesn't seem any more significant than any number of more casual encounters I've had over the years. The girl in question doesn't mean any more or any less to me than the psycho nutjob I briefly got entangled with while on the rebound from her or than that beautiful young 'un I met on holidays when I was 16 or .... you get the idea!

I think I now regret passing on the chances that came earlier - (I passed generally due to stupidity - not recognising that I was on to a winner until years later

- or due to unnecessary choosiness).

I think my advice to you Drift would be to just be aware that you don't pass up on somebody because she is not Miss Right - Miss 'Alright for the Next Couple of Weeks' could be all you need!

Call Me Jimmy · 27-05-2007 01:25AM

Dudess wrote:

Well put, Tar.

Jimmy, you need to work on your confidence, man. You've GOT to start loving yourself. That post is really sad. I hope you work things out.

Nah I would have all the confidence in the world if there was one single physical trait that I could say "yea, not too bad". I don't mean to get to serious here but when there is absolutely nothing physically attractive about me I just can't accept that people will take me seriously, let alone that girls would even look at me.

Maybe I should move this to PI and then go travelling...

LegacyUser · 27-05-2007 01:37AM

Jimmy, join a gym, get fit and work out, then you will have a deadly body and that will be one thing that girls will love...and with that you will get a ton of confidence about your body, you will also improve your discipline and eat healthy and feel better. And you will be excercising and doing stuff...and you know what? When you get to great shape, you can still eat the odd take away now and again because you will be able to work out and burn it off...

Jimmy, give it a go man....

Call Me Jimmy · 27-05-2007 01:58AM

cheesedude wrote:

Jimmy, join a gym, get fit and work out, then you will have a deadly body and that will be one thing that girls will love...and with that you will get a ton of confidence about your body, you will also improve your discipline and eat healthy and feel better. And you will be excercising and doing stuff...and you know what? When you get to great shape, you can still eat the odd take away now and again because you will be able to work out and burn it off...

Jimmy, give it a go man....

I'm not fat, just short and as skinny as they come, which is probably a lot worse. At least if ye're fat ye can build it into muscle, I got zero raw materials to work with over heere. I wouldn't even be able to bring myself to the gym coz I look so ridiculous, it's like , was god actually taking the piss?

Appreciate the advice tho, just wouldn't work for me, ye don't understand the depth of it. I would start a PI thread but there's nothin left for me to say about it.

LegacyUser · 27-05-2007 02:39AM

Call Me Jimmy wrote:

I'm not fat, just short and as skinny as they come, which is probably a lot worse. At least if ye're fat ye can build it into muscle, I got zero raw materials to work with over heere. I wouldn't even be able to bring myself to the gym coz I look so ridiculous, it's like , was god actually taking the piss?

Appreciate the advice tho, just wouldn't work for me, ye don't understand the depth of it. I would start a PI thread but there's nothin left for me to say about it.

Jimmy, you need to cop on and get down the gym and start. You need to get over to the fitness forum and post your details asking what to do and I guarantee you that you will be motivated enough to do it. Don't be a quitter and give up easily...just because you are skinny does not mean you can not pack on some mass if you want to. One of my friends is small and skinny and he hosts a tv show on television...he came to me and wants to pack on some weight too...i'm gonna bring him down and tell him what I know...get over to the fitness forum and you will learn Jimmy...honestly, joining a gym was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

Drift · 27-05-2007 04:37PM

Thanks for the advice Just and Red - I'm taking it all on board and it's much appreciated from both sides of the debate.

Jimmy - you don't have to have a killer body to get girls. A few years back a friend of mine butched up .... 6-pack, biceps the whole deal in an attempt to make himself more attractive to girls. He was very proud of it. Around that time I was talking one of the most gorgeous women I know (a friend from college) and I asked her had she seen his 6-pack, he was showing it to everyone! She said she hadn't and then proceeded to say "I really hate that sort of thing" :eek: Apparently she wasn't into the whole muscle bound thing at all, she preferred men with "normal" bodies and I've learned since she's not alone. So if you don't want to butch up don't bother there's plenty of girls out there who don't care. The one thing that most girls seem to like is confidence and at the moment you seem to be lacking in it. You can pretend to be confident when talking to girls (not arrogant though!) soon enough you'll find you're not pretending anymore. Its worth a try - just tell yourself that you're letting her chat YOU up

Virginity late on - a big deal?

Comments