Guy getting close to my girlfriend

LegacyUser · 06-04-2007 06:28PM #1

I've been with my girlfriend for over 5 years now, and I'm very much in love with her and I trust her. But recently she bumped into this guy at a meeting that she used to know, and she had to ring him for something related to that meeting a few days later.
After this he started just texting her at random times of the day to talk to her and she'd text him back. He also started ringing her.
I asked her to back off a little,to be friends is fine, but not be seeing/texting to him all the time and she blew up at me at first, but afterwards said she would.
Then one morning I got a text message off her saying she she had gone for a run with him before work, and that she wants to do it again. I had told her previously that I'd like to go for walks/runs with her but she didn't seem too interested, and then she had no problem going with him.

I'm very uncomfortable with the situation and I don't know what to think. She says she just wants to be friends with him and that she loves me, but its really hard for me to take this.

Any advice appreciated.

Thanks.

SarahSassy · 06-04-2007 10:55PM

Its hard to know - it does sounds a bit dodgy. I guess the big give away that she is somewhat interested in him is the pre-work jogging - if she is willing to go with him and not with you. I would sit her down and have a chat about it without coming across as possessive and paranoid. Even if there is nothing in it you deserve to be heard by her. She may alleviate your fears.

Skyuser · 07-04-2007 12:04AM

Affair Alert !!!!!

Fanny Cradock · 07-04-2007 12:21AM

She blew up like that because:

A) She was horrified that you would suggest that her behaviour was anything other than friendly

Well, you know...

The fact that she is still seeing the guy after you asked her to back off would, to me, suggests option B, i.e. she seems interested in more than simply a platonic way. Her guilt would explain her reaction. But what do I know?

Maybe you should try and rekindle your passion (assuming it has been lost) with a surprise romantic trip somewhere. Get her mind back on your relationship.

However you decide to handle this situation, you should choose your words carefully! Don't go around making baseless claims.

easyontheeye · 07-04-2007 12:57AM

how well did she use to know him?? 5 yrs is along time maybe now shes enjoying the alternative male attention he is presenting and she can use the aul "hes a mate" excuse ! certainly i'd be pissed about the jogging , as you have said you have expressed interest in doing it with her. I'd be looking out for any odd behaviour or distractions on her part.

Chinafoot · 07-04-2007 01:09AM

Fanny Cradock wrote:

The fact that she is still seeing the guy after you asked her to back off would, to me, suggests option B, i.e. she seems interested in more than simply a platonic way.

Tbh he shouldn't have asked her to back off in the first place. What gives him the right to essentially tell his girlfriend to stop talking to this guy? By doing so he's telling her he doesn't trust her.

Why should her friendship with this guy suffer just because her boyfriend is too paranoid to accept it? There'd be no problem if it was a female she was on the phone to.

guestuser wrote:

I've been with my girlfriend for over 5 years now, and I'm very much in love with her and I trust her.

If you trust her then you would have no problem with her being friends with someone, regardless of gender.

As for going for a run with him and not you. You've been together 5 years. Has it even crossed your mind that maybe every now and then she would like to do things by herself or with someone other than you? Maybe she views going for a run in the morning as some time away from you. Sounds very healthy to me. Again, would you have a problem if she was going for a run with a female co-worker? Would you still be offended that she chose to go with her even though you offered? Doubtful.

What this comes down to is your own paranoia and distrust. Perhaps you are right not to trust this guy. Maybe he is only out to get your girlfriend into bed. Then again, maybe he's just a nice bloke that she enjoys talking to and spending time with in a purely platoinic way. Perhaps you could try getting to know this guy before jumping to conclusions.

Even if the guy is after your girlfriend surely its your trust in her that's important. He can't steal her away. He can't make her cheat on you if she doesn't want to. Your girlfriend has told you she only wants a friendship with this guy and she has tried to reassure you that she loves you. If you trust her you'll accept that. If you can't accept it then you don't trust her. Simple.

By telling her to stop seeing and talking to this guy you look controlling, possessive and untrusting. Tbh, it's your girlfriend who should be annoyed here, not you.

Tails142 · 07-04-2007 01:26AM

Blow him out of the water right now, I wouldnt even wait another few minutes.

Ring him up and tell him to back off; make a scene, have a dramatic standoff, do something extremely foolish so he gets the message - sure your girlfriend will probably be in a fowl mood for a while. But what's worse, a moody girlfriend or no girlfriend at all?

Be territorial it's what men are best at, and sub-consciously its what women are looking for.

Send this rat on his way!!

Fanny Cradock · 07-04-2007 01:39AM

Chinafoot wrote:

What this comes down to is your own paranoia and distrust. Perhaps you are right not to trust this guy. Maybe he is only out to get your girlfriend into bed. Then again, maybe he's just a nice bloke that she enjoys talking to and spending time with in a purely platoinic way. Perhaps you could try getting to know this guy before jumping to conclusions.

You can't call it paranoia if you accept that it is a possibility that this chap does want 'to get her into bed'. But you are right, there is no point in necessarily thinking the worst. Take your time OP, don't do or say anything rash.

dame · 07-04-2007 09:57AM

Maybe she doesn't want to go running with you because you're very fit and she'd feel she was holding you back or showing herself up, but feels she can keep up with other guy easily enough so feels happier running with him then?

I don't think many people would be happy if their other half told them to back off from contact with a friend.

spurious · 07-04-2007 10:03AM

"She says she just wants to be friends with him and that she loves me".

She is with you.

You either trust her or you don't.

Sit her down and tell her how you are feeling about this. Do not say you want her to stop seeing him, do not accuse her of anything. She has not done anything wrong. Just explain how it is making you feel.

If you don't trust her though, however unjustly, nothing she says will allay your fears. It's you has to change, not her.

Chinafoot · 07-04-2007 11:33AM

Fanny Cradock wrote:

You can't call it paranoia if you accept that it is a possibility that this chap does want 'to get her into bed'.

But the thing is, whatever this guy wants from his girlfriend is irrelevant if the OP trusts her which he claims he does.

If he truly trusted her, and you'd like to think after 5 years he would, then why would he tell her to stop texting and seeing this guy?

rebel.ranter · 07-04-2007 11:38AM

I'd find out if the other lad has a GF already, it might give you more of a clue what his intentions are even if your GF doesn't have the same intentions. How did she know him form the past?
Have you met him with her yet? I wouldn't be too hasty to cause a scene to be honest, like other posters have suggested why don't you sit down with her a tell her what you think about the whole situation. i.e. Not that you are peeved at her contacting this guy but that it's making you feel uncomfortable about the whole relationship all of a sudden. If there is nothing going on she will most likely do something to re-assure you. It is healthy for her to have other company outside of you too BTW.
Talk.

SarahSassy · 07-04-2007 12:07PM

Guestuser wrote:

Then one morning I got a text message off her saying she she had gone for a run with him before work, and that she wants to do it again.

I think she is trying to get a reaction from you. Has she mentioned to you lately that you havent been paying attention to her or have things gone stale in the relationship??? It looks like she is a bit bored and trying to get some notice from you.

You are obviously not living together. After 5 years has this come up? Have there been discussions about the future of the relationship??? It looks like she is not getting what she wants from you - maybe she has told you up front or maybe not. If not, then this could be her way of telling you.

LegacyUser · 07-04-2007 12:24PM

I would be offended and majorly pissed off if my girlfriend wouldn't go for runs with me and then went with some random guy. To be honest, it depends what the trend in the relationship has been like all along, if she always had friends with guys etc then no big deal but if she only just picked up this one guy and he is now her friend...i would feel pissed off and slightly concerned, of course I would never show it...always play dumb, don't let her know it bothers you.

Laslo · 07-04-2007 05:22PM

Under the circumstances, I would ditch her. Sorry to sound so flippant but:

He is constantly texting and ringing her
She doesn't want to go for a jog with you but does with him...
...after she said she'd back off

It could all be perfectly innocent but, as I say, the circumstances suggest differently. Personally I would use my best judgement in the situation.

empirix · 07-04-2007 06:28PM

Personally i would be pissed off big time and would have it out with her, run after work etc and doesn't want to with me. Fcuk that -ultimatum time (depending on how well you know her and trust her) but i'd be a bit paronoid she is bouncing up and down on this clowns cock. Has your sex life been affected at all in recent months/years?

judas101 · 07-04-2007 06:32PM

empirix wrote:

i'd be a bit paronoid she is bouncing up and down on this clowns cock.

i'm sure thats exactly not what you wanted to hear but it is the harsh reality i'm afraid.

Flex · 07-04-2007 06:42PM

From personal experience Id have to say this doesnt look too good. I dont know your gf, but Id be pretty pissed off if all that stuff was going on; ESPECIALLY the part about not wanting to go jogging with you but doing it with him, and I definitely wouldnt be able to simply presume that its all good and innocent harmless 'just friends' stuff. Has she always been the type of person to have male friends?

Smiley012 · 07-04-2007 06:42PM

Well the one thing I can say for her, is that at least she is telling you that they're texting and calling, and that she's going for jogs with him.

However, doesn't mean you should take it lying down. I would still kick up a fuss about it. I've been in this situation and still currently am in a way.

In my situation though, it was a passing interest (not in the sexual attractive sense, just in the ah interesting mate kinda sense) and I was right in the end.

Which, might I add, never happens!

However, look at the pluses and minuses to this situation - she has told u whats going on and not been secretive about it.

However, you need to talk to her about it, and tell her that you feel uncomfortable with this and if the situation was reversed and you were contacting another girl like this, would she be totally cool with it?

I highly doubt it!

Anti · 07-04-2007 09:39PM

Skyuser wrote:

Affair Alert !!!!!

I completly agree.

MonkeyTennis · 07-04-2007 09:43PM

from what you told us it looks bad. confront her. Be honest and tell her that it annoys the hell out of you. If she doesnt respond in kind its elbow time. Seriously

Mini · 07-04-2007 11:22PM

And maybe the whole thing is completely innocent! and just maybe you reacting in a way to suggest something may happen will infact just bring her closer to him and push her away from you.

My advice, leave her to her own devices with him, just let her know that you are there and that you are the better person letting her be friends with him, but remember she will come back to you at the end of it, just when she does come back from running or whatever, let her know that you care.

Then she will be yours. Freak out and react badly and you are driving her away from you and in to his arms.

romance I can't stress it enough !!

Laslo · 08-04-2007 12:22PM

Mini wrote:

And maybe the whole thing is completely innocent! and just maybe you reacting in a way to suggest something may happen will infact just bring her closer to him and push her away from you.

It would be worth it. She's acting completely inappropriately for a person in a relationship. If the guy was a long-standing friend for the whole course of the relationship then you could see her side of it. But this fellow comes out of nowhere after all these years and all of a sudden, they're bosom buddies again. Sounds fishy to me.

Mini wrote:

My advice, leave her to her own devices with him, just let her know that you are there and that you are the better person letting her be friends with him

Sounds a bit naive to me. Let's say the tables were reversed. Or better yet, let's say YOU were in the situation. Let's say your boyfriend was all of a sudden involved in a very intense friendship with some hot girl who lavished him with interest and who wanted to go jogging with him. Let's say he reciprocated and went jogging on a regular basis with sexy girl. Would you 'be the bigger woman' and happily sit there, waiting for your prince to return to you every day? Or would you accept the reality of the situation and know that the chances are that 1) she has designs on your boyfriend, 2) he has designs on her or 3) they're both consentually planning on f**king each other behind your back?

Mini wrote:

romance I can't stress it enough !!

I can only imagine that what you mean by this is "Being romantic constitutes having complete trust in your girlfriend even when she's acting completely erratically with a total stranger"? That's not romance - that's naivety.

SarahSassy · 08-04-2007 12:31PM

I totally disagree with you Mini. There is no place for 'softly softly catchy monkey' here. He needs to lay down bounderies... She is not acting appropriately. I guess I just wonder if they both left from separate houses the morning of that jog.....? Her behaviour is at best suspicious and at worst downright infidelity... He needs to know.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 08-04-2007 01:04PM

The jogging thing could suggest she does like him but doesn't realise it.

You got anyone you can make her jealous with? Might make her realise what she has to lose.

spurious · 08-04-2007 01:10PM

The issue here is do you trust her?

You obviously don't, so she's probably better off without you.

Mr. Presentable · 08-04-2007 01:14PM

Go running with them. Show her you're a good sport. If you think she's having extras, and the concensus here is that she is, stay calm, play unsuspecting, and catch her out. There may be nothing to find, so be prepared to be exposed as a bollo**s if she's clean.

grahamo · 08-04-2007 01:50PM

She's totally disrespecting you. Her 'Friend' is totally disrespecting you. Tell him what you think of him then blow her out!

Laslo · 08-04-2007 02:55PM

spurious wrote:

The issue here is do you trust her?

You obviously don't, so she's probably better off without you.

What a ridiculous thing to say. Her behavour with a relative stranger of the opposite sex is completely inappropriate for a woman in a relationship. If anything, the OP is better off without her.

spurious · 08-04-2007 03:10PM

Laslo wrote:

What a ridiculous thing to say. Her behavour with a relative stranger of the opposite sex is completely inappropriate for a woman in a relationship. If anything, the OP is better off without her.

She is going jogging with a friend.
She has told the OP (who 'trusts' her) that there is nothing in it, yet still he goes on about it.

If the OP needs so much control that her friendships are not 'allowed', well then, yes, she is better off out of it.

Laslo · 08-04-2007 03:27PM

spurious wrote:

She is going jogging with a friend.

Don't you mean 'a guy she used to know' of whom the OP seemed largely unaware? I think to call this 'friend' a complete stranger who has suddenly shown an unhealthy interest in his girlfriend would be more apt.

spurious wrote:

She has told the OP (who 'trusts' her) that there is nothing in it, yet still he goes on about it.

She's taken that trust and she's pi**ed it all away by acting incredibly suspiciously. I wonder could the OP tell us if she has other friends, you know friends that have been around for the last 5 years, that text her and ring her this much? Does she go jogging with them?

To use 'trust' as an excuse for behaving inappropriately is utter crap. You have to earn trust in a relationship.

spurious wrote:

If the OP needs so much control that her friendships are not 'allowed', well then, yes, she is better off out of it.

I'm not saying he should tell her what to do or tell her what's 'allowed'. Don't turn this into a silly debate about male control over women. :rolleyes: The fact is that her behviour is not that of a woman in a serious relationship and I personally feel that he's better off without her.

Guy getting close to my girlfriend

Comments