caught bf in bed with other girl

PeakOutput · 22-03-2007 03:00PM

adonis wrote:

where are u from broken girl??

stay with him if you love him, or get him back.

i dont think its a matter of her love its a matter of his

i have dumped people for doing the dirt and i have tried to make relationships work

each decision was right at the time but needless to say the relationship still didnt work out and imo any relationship is doomed to failure after one party cheats

adonis · 22-03-2007 03:04PM

if its an honest mistake i say take him back

PeakOutput · 22-03-2007 03:13PM

adonis wrote:

if its an honest mistake i say take him back

what constitues an honest mistake????? getting locked and having sex with some stranger to meis not an honest mistake

lets accept for a moment it is a mistake

its his mistake he made it but SHE has to live with the consequences. im sure if it was a mistake he is feeling pretty **** now too but maybe it'll make him think twice about getting locked and messing someone up like this in the future

there are loads of reasons that people cheat(drink being the worst) imo none of them are excuses to actually do it...........i do believe people change but only if they are forced to taking him back is not going to change his drinking/gambling(someone mentioned this i didnt read where she said it though) and possible serial cheating behaviour.

its going to be really tough for her but she has to move on get over him and find someone who would never even remotely consider doing this while drunk or watever...these people do exist

adonis · 22-03-2007 03:38PM

so its never possible to take someone back that has cheated?
thats a very cut and dry argument.

PeakOutput · 22-03-2007 03:51PM

adonis wrote:

so its never possible to take someone back that has cheated?
thats a very cut and dry argument.

right now after trying to make a relationship work after being chected on i feel that you should not give them a second chance on the basis that the relationship might work out get better or whatever

there might be good reason if there are kids involved or whatever but my opinion is why would you want to be with someone so blatantly untrustworthy and selfish

even before i was cheated on i completely and totally despised the thought of it and i will never cheat on anyone i personally dont see any excuse to do it and i have found i cannot continue with someone who does it

i havnt really thought about this in a while so i apologise if my thoughts are all over the place

Wibbs · 22-03-2007 03:57PM

PeakOutput wrote:

imo any relationship is doomed to failure after one party cheats

I wouldn't agree at all I'm afraid. It depends on far too many factors. The length of the relationship, the depth of intimacy of the relationship, the ages of the couple involved, the nature of the cheating, the scale of the cheating and the reasons that may lay behind the cheating. There are frankly too many variables in individual relationships to make such a call.

While I am mindful of the apparently callous nature of the events posted by the OP, we are naturally only getting brokengirl's side of the story. On that basis personally I would take her side in this. No question. There are two sides.

I would wonder why, if all was going well that he out of the blue and apparently out of character as far as brokengirl's concerned would end up doing something so obvious, callous and with the highest possible chance of being caught. He knew brokengirl was coming home, why did he do it in the first place and why did he not go back to the strangers house or somewhere else? Why do any of this while the OP was going through a major health scare? Beggars belief really. It could be that his self destructive notions that brokengirl mentioned kicked in. It could be that he was trying to hurt her(God knows why). It could be that he was trying to signal in no uncertain terms the end of the relationship. God knows what was in his head. No amount of temporary hornyness, drink fueled or not explains it to me(and I've been both very horny and very drunk). It was bloody bad manners at the very least.

As I say I take brokengirls side in this. Completely. I think she was right to leave him. How she wants to proceed is another thing. I think just being herself for a time is the best bet. Better counsel might advise differently.

BTW Congrats at the very good news brokengirl.

PeakOutput · 22-03-2007 04:14PM

Wibbs wrote:

I wouldn't agree at all I'm afraid. It depends on far too many factors. The length of the relationship, the depth of intimacy of the relationship, the ages of the couple involved, the nature of the cheating, the scale of the cheating and the reasons that may lay behind the cheating. There are frankly too many variables in individual relationships to make such a call.

if it works out for people and im sure it has then i wish them all the best right now at my age for the forseeable future i dont see myself in a relationship that will survive that and all my (and it is only my limited experience, im only 21 after all) experience with my own and friends relationships shows that it just dosnt work

I would wonder why, if all was going well that he out of the blue and apparently out of character as far as brokengirl's concerned would end up doing something so obvious, callous and with the highest possible chance of being caught. He knew brokengirl was coming home, why did he do it in the first place and why did he not go back to the strangers house or somewhere else? Why do any of this while the OP was going through a major health scare? Beggars belief really. It could be that his self destructive notions that brokengirl mentioned kicked in. It could be that he was trying to hurt her(God knows why). It could be that he was trying to signal in no uncertain terms the end of the relationship. God knows what was in his head. No amount of temporary hornyness, drink fueled or not explains it to me(and I've been both very horny and very drunk). It was bloody bad manners at the very least.

to me it dosnt really matter what reasons there where you can't list an unselfish or un-cowardly one as far as i can tell

i don't understand why people dont have the balls to just end the relationship in a civil and mature way instead of doing something so hurtful

Wibbs · 22-03-2007 04:28PM

PeakOutput wrote:

to me it dosnt really matter what reasons there where

Of course it does. Without knowing at least some of the reasons behind such an act, how can you ever hope to learn from the situation? Without knowing the reasons or the signs, how can you hope to avoid similar in the future? Not learning from a mistake, even the mistake of others, can often doom you to repeat the patterns of partner choice or behaviour that will lead you straight back to this kind of thing. Setting up rigid notions of what constitutes a "normal" relationship, or what will "always" be the case for any given situation may set you up for a fall.

LegacyUser · 22-03-2007 04:32PM

'I don't know why he cheated. Yes, we had been arguing about his drinking. A lot. And I had been giving him a hard time about it asking him to stop and to grow up. Maybe he was looking for a way out because he didn't want to change, and drunkenly thought this was it. I don't know. I do know he loved me though and I don't think he'd even thought of cheating before. No idea why things were different this time. One binge too far maybe? I just wish he didn't drink. We would have been incredibly happy if he didn't...

However, I know I treated him well and didn't push him away. I was always affectionate and giving him compliments, and made him feel like the most loved and supported person in the world. I gave him my whole heart and he knows I would have done anything for him. I found him even sexier now than I did when we first got together and constantly told him that. Why did he need anyone else?

I can't take him back as adonis suggests if things are going to be the same as they were. What would stop it happening again? And we'd still be arguing about the drinking so what would be the point. He'd have to transform his life and prove that to me. Its not my place to just forgive and forget. For his own sake, he needed a wake up call to be able to achieve his potential and stop putting himself first all the time. He's so self destructive - just wish I could erase that part out of him and turn back time so that he would never have cheated on me.'

CathyMoran · 22-03-2007 05:39PM

Delighted that you got the all clear. I would look at this as a chance to clear your life of the unnecessary (including your ex). While I would normally believe that if someone cheats onces they deserve another chance the fact that you saw it would make it too hard. I wish you all the best with your future.

It may be good to get some closure on this though by finding out why he did it (if he can give you an answer) you may get some long term peace.

Wibbs · 22-03-2007 05:57PM

brokengirl wrote:

'I don't know why he cheated. Yes, we had been arguing about his drinking. A lot. And I had been giving him a hard time about it asking him to stop and to grow up.

In fairness to you that's what anybody would and should do in that position. Now many guys will complain that some women can be a right pain trying to change their partners. In this case you were very right. You love him and you knew he would be a lot happier if he made these good changes to his life.

Maybe he was looking for a way out because he didn't want to change, and drunkenly thought this was it. I don't know.

That's a strong possibility, but who knows?

I do know he loved me though and I don't think he'd even thought of cheating before.

From what you say and the obvious method on this occasion, I suspect you're right.

No idea why things were different this time. One binge too far maybe?

Maybe. It may have even been a twisted cry for help mixed with "brokengirl deserves better than me" kind of thing. Again who knows?

I just wish he didn't drink. We would have been incredibly happy if he didn't..

I hear you. I like a pint, but it can really be the ruination of some and those around them. It may sound weird, but I feel bad for the pair of you. All because of drink.

However, I know I treated him well and didn't push him away. I was always affectionate and giving him compliments, and made him feel like the most loved and supported person in the world. I gave him my whole heart and he knows I would have done anything for him. I found him even sexier now than I did when we first got together and constantly told him that.

I don't doubt it brokengirl. Not a bit.

Why did he need anyone else?

TBH I don't think he did(does). Maybe what he really needs is himself back.

IMHO, people cheat for different reasons. Simple boredom, cruelty, getting something elsewhere they feel is lacking in their relationship or simply a cowards way out of a relationship. Sometimes it's simply a moment of madness. It could be the latter one in this case but I suspect that it's the self destructive strain that often accompanies the addictive personality.

I can't take him back as adonis suggests if things are going to be the same as they were. What would stop it happening again?

Very little, if he hasn't learned from this and all that you've apparently done for him.

He'd have to transform his life and prove that to me.

First he has to join AA. No ifs or buts. For his sake. Not as a prime reason to get you back as it probably won't work longterm. If he doesn't see that now when he has potentially ruined his future, he most likely never will.

Its not my place to just forgive and forget.

Forgive maybe, not forget so much.

He's so self destructive - just wish I could erase that part out of him and turn back time so that he would never have cheated on me.'

That's the nub of the problem, the self destructive bit and until such times that he actively gets proper help for that, no relationship will work longterm. If I may be so bold as to suggest that in this case, the infidelity, while terribly upsetting to you, is not the real crux of the matter. You could forgive that and go back, but until he changes those thing that are troubling(for his sake even moreso) very little will change. He'll feel you're still nagging him and sooner or later he'll screw up again, the same way or another.

He needs help. Professional help with his addictive personality and all it brings to the table.

Mr. Incognito · 22-03-2007 06:08PM

There are a number of Issues here that jump out at me.

Firstly your father cheating on your mother. You may not realise it but you may be dispossed to go for a certain type of character. You may have feelings of abondonment and subconsciously choose someone who you know will eventually let you down. Now please don't take this personally. I've never met you and I'm just putting it out there.

As to your boyfriend he seems to have a lot of problems. Addictions tend to manifest in individuals whom have had a traumatic childhood. Trauma here could be something as simple as having parents whom were away a lot, we're not necesserily talking about conscious abuse.

From what you've told us he seems to have many addictions, i.e alcohol, gambling, sexual. With the modern trends in Ireland people take these things for granted but they are serious problems which need to be dealt with by an professional. This may sound over the top but your boyfriend needs professional councilling to get to the root cause of his problems or this destructive nature will continue. He probably cannot explain it to himself, why he always has this self destructive trait but it's sown to feelings of inadequecy and lack of self confidence. Generally sufferers are the most confident and outgoing of individuals and it's not obvious from appearances. Believe me I know, I'm in recovery myself.

Reesy · 23-03-2007 03:50AM

Hi Brokengirl from a fellow Taffy. So sorry to hear about you being cheated on, and glad to hear you got the all clear from your cancer scare.

Tuppence worth which I'm not proud of: though I love my girl to bits and am devoted to her, one drunken night some years ago I nearly did something very stupid and pointless with another woman - I suppose I was excited & flattered - anyway I was saved from my own stupidity by a very good man (another Welshman as it happens). I was scared and deeply ashamed.

So what's my message? I'm not sure, really. Yes, people make mistakes. It made me realise that I'm weaker than I thought I was. I've never done anything like it since and will never, never get myself in that situation again. However, when I read your posts I thought you should have nothing more to do with this man. It's wrong, wrong, wrong what he did and you, if you loved him, deserve better. Good luck with rebuilding your life.

Big hug from me

Wales 27-18 England. Something to smile about

Reesy x

adonis · 23-03-2007 09:14AM

it sounds like the relationship was going nowhere anyway and the infidelity was just a straw to break a camel's back.
do what you feel is right, not some advice from an internet board!

Wibbs · 23-03-2007 10:57AM

adonis wrote:

it sounds like the relationship was going nowhere anyway and the infidelity was just a straw to break a camel's back.

In fairness, we can't say that from this end. In fact reading through the OP's posts it came as a complete shock to her as she felt the relationship was pretty good.

do what you feel is right, not some advice from an internet board!

Now there's good advice.:D Helps to have different points of view though.

Marksie · 23-03-2007 08:39PM

brokengirl wrote:

And we'd still be arguing about the drinking so what would be the point. He'd have to transform his life and prove that to me. Its not my place to just forgive and forget. For his own sake, he needed a wake up call to be able to achieve his potential and stop putting himself first all the time. He's so self destructive - just wish I could erase that part out of him and turn back time so that he would never have cheated on me.'

First of all, congrats on the all clear. Thats most important.

Loving him or not this last paragraph is something to hold in your mind. I think if you haven't already, it may be a good idea to send him this sentiment.
Whether you are considering getting back together is immaterial it is up to him to realise this and do something about it.

You cannot erase that part Op, only he can do it. All you can do is look after yourself now, you have give so much, time to look to your own well being

LegacyUser · 28-03-2007 10:40AM

'Hello all, I was broken girl last week now i'm getting better.

Thought I'd give you an update. Gone two days without crying now, and actually feel relieved to be out of that environment. Still miss him, but now realising how insecure and down his alcoholism was making me feel. Doesn't help though that this morning, he rung me, drunk out of his head from an early house, hurling abuse. When I didn't answer, he started leaving horrible messages.

There's been one twist since last week. I found out that I'm pregnant. Had to tell him over the phone and he still hasn't been to visit me to discuss things face to face. He said he was too busy at work, and yet, he's obviously missing work today because of his drinking. When I found out about the baby, I started thinking that maybe we could work things out. But now, if he's still drinking and still can't be supportive, I don't want to know. I loved him and gave him my all. Sometimes its better just to walk. I should have known though. He couldn't be there for me when I was having a cancer scare, why should now be any different? He's not the man I thought he was. The sweet guy I knew would have been to visit me, offering all the support in the world. All he seems to care is where the next drink is coming from. He's even making up imaginary problems that were in our relationship, twisting things to sound like they're all my fault. He should be getting sober, and thinking of ways to be a support whilst I'm pregnant. He should also be thinking of ways to pay me back all the money he owes me rather than spending it on all night drinking sessions. I'm getting so angry now. How dare he treat me so badly? Especially now I'm pregnant with our child? Starting to think that he never loved me if he can treat me like this. I just wish he'd come over here and talk about things rather than destroy himself with drink.

Thanks for all your messages last week. They really helped me get through the initial hurt and shock.'

slickmcvic · 28-03-2007 09:03PM

Congrats!!!
glad to see your gettin over what happened with yir fella

Hopefully things will cool off between yis and U's will be on better terms with each other

metrovelvet · 29-03-2007 01:12AM

First of all congratulations on your pregnancy.

Be very careful and accept that you are dealing with a junkie, someone with a disease.

You have a child to think about now, who has an addict for a father.

Dont assume he will be nicer to you because you are pregnant, he may get very mean. You just dont know. Its hard to want a baby when you want to be the baby.

Stay clear.

Wibbs · 29-03-2007 09:23AM

notsobrokengirl wrote:

'Hello all, I was broken girl last week now i'm getting better.

You were never broken, just in need of a lick o paint.:D

Doesn't help though that this morning, he rung me, drunk out of his head from an early house, hurling abuse. When I didn't answer, he started leaving horrible messages.

Not good. Not good at all.

He should be getting sober, and thinking of ways to be a support whilst I'm pregnant. He should also be thinking of ways to pay me back all the money he owes me rather than spending it on all night drinking sessions. I'm getting so angry now. How dare he treat me so badly? Especially now I'm pregnant with our child? Starting to think that he never loved me if he can treat me like this. I just wish he'd come over here and talk about things rather than destroy himself with drink.

You are so right. He should be doing the polar opposite to the way he's acting. Problem is he loves the drink, more than himself, you or your child. He's clearly an addict and will be the same or get worse until he acknowledges this. If he won't under circumstances like these, when you tried to forgive him, when you're having his child, then I don't know when he will. He may never.

He seems to be a human car crash in the process of happening. You or your child don't need to be in the passenger seat. I'm the patient forgiving kind, but you're well out of it IMHO.

Acid_Violet · 29-03-2007 03:04PM

Best of luck with everything brokengirl. I hope things turn out well for the two of you, if they don't you seem a really lovely person so finding someone else will be no bother to you. I'm sure you'll be able to support your child yourself, but if he continues being abusive or doesn't help in anyway remember to milk him for child support!

Shelli · 29-03-2007 03:26PM

Go and get legal advice about the money he owes you, or at the very least about seeking maintenance and keeping the drunken fool away from you and the baby unless he cleans his act up!!

Congrats on the baby by the way!! XXXX

snakybus · 29-03-2007 04:13PM

Wibbs wrote:

You were never broken, just in need of a lick o paint.:D

saucy

snakybus · 29-03-2007 04:15PM

hurling abuse

anit-gaelic games and all?

sounds like a bad sort

La La · 29-03-2007 05:36PM

hi guyse.

-cheating is bad-

once my dog sired a litter of pups with one bitch then the next year had more with anotehr!

anyway broken girl you should totally not tolerate cheating. it's bad and amkes people sad. move on, be happy!

nlgbbbblth · 29-03-2007 11:25PM

La La wrote:

hi guyse.

-cheating is bad-

once my dog sired a litter of pups with one bitch then the next year had more with anotehr!

anyway broken girl you should totally not tolerate cheating. it's bad and amkes people sad. move on, be happy!

Hi LaLa

what position did he engage in?

doggy style or reverse anal cowgirl?

Beruthiel · 30-03-2007 07:22AM

snakybus
la la
nlgbbbblth

All banned for a week

B

Marksie · 30-03-2007 02:40PM

notsobrokengirl wrote:

'Hello all, I was broken girl last week now i'm getting better.

Thought I'd give you an update. Gone two days without crying now, and actually feel relieved to be out of that environment. Still miss him, but now realising how insecure and down his alcoholism was making me feel. Doesn't help though that this morning, he rung me, drunk out of his head from an early house, hurling abuse. When I didn't answer, he started leaving horrible messages.

There's been one twist since last week. I found out that I'm pregnant. Had to tell him over the phone and he still hasn't been to visit me to discuss things face to face. He said he was too busy at work, and yet, he's obviously missing work today because of his drinking. When I found out about the baby, I started thinking that maybe we could work things out. But now, if he's still drinking and still can't be supportive, I don't want to know. I loved him and gave him my all. Sometimes its better just to walk. I should have known though. He couldn't be there for me when I was having a cancer scare, why should now be any different? He's not the man I thought he was. The sweet guy I knew would have been to visit me, offering all the support in the world. All he seems to care is where the next drink is coming from. He's even making up imaginary problems that were in our relationship, twisting things to sound like they're all my fault. He should be getting sober, and thinking of ways to be a support whilst I'm pregnant. He should also be thinking of ways to pay me back all the money he owes me rather than spending it on all night drinking sessions. I'm getting so angry now. How dare he treat me so badly? Especially now I'm pregnant with our child? Starting to think that he never loved me if he can treat me like this. I just wish he'd come over here and talk about things rather than destroy himself with drink.

Thanks for all your messages last week. They really helped me get through the initial hurt and shock.'

Hi OP,

Congratulations on your pregnancy, how are you feeling about it?
I suppose one positive way of looking at this is that you will have something beautiful to show for it all.

At least now the veil has dropped from your eyes as regards your partner, it is probably best to have found out now rather than much further down the line when things are excessively complex.

His life is his own to waste. Yours is taking a different path and hopefully a much better one

I hope that you continue to get all the encouragement and support you need.
Namaste

mark

ILMF · 30-03-2007 02:57PM

notsobrokengirl wrote:

'Hello all, I was broken girl last week now i'm getting better.

There's been one twist since last week. I found out that I'm pregnant.

Do you know who the father is?

LegacyUser · 30-03-2007 03:08PM

Ha ha very funny ILMF. Since I was with my ex for 3 years and didn't even kiss another guy, would be a miracle if it was anyone else's.

Thanks Mark for your post. Feeling scared, apprehensive and unsure at the moment. Its not something I ever envisaged happening at this point in my life, or in this situation. Especially worried after reading the single mother's thread! All very surreal, and its not helped by the fact I feel really ill this week. Still hope my ex will get the help he needs, and be involved in the future. Though I have to be ready to do it alone in case he doesn't. Despite everything, can't switch off my feeling overnight. He's ill, and I hope he gets better for his own sake

caught bf in bed with other girl

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