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caught bf in bed with other girl

24

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I hope so, just difficult to imagine that right now. I really honestly thought we would last and finding it difficult to accept this has happened. I'm already missing him. I still love him even though I am heart broken. Really wish I could turn back time... I know the trust has gone now - so angry that he's spoilt our future together for a meaningless fumble. At least, that's what I hope it was. Keep wondering if he has been unfaithful before this now. I used to trust him 100% and did not see this coming at all...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 162 ✭✭dr_funkenstein


    hey there

    i went through something really similar.. and it was heartbreaking. had been with my gf for 2 weeks over 3 yrs when she slept with her team leader while I was away visiting my family..

    urgh.. this was at the end of last november though

    anyways, if you need someone to chat to or whatever, drop me a PM. i know talking to people that i felt could relate really helped me out at the time!


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,302 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    brokengirl, it is possible that this was a stupid naive drunken mistake that only happened once and might never happen again. It's possible, but at the same time if it was the drink to blame and he has issues with alcohol(as you pointed out), then this is a serious red flag. Either way you don't just fall into bed with total strangers by accident. Oh when single I've tried and I wish it was that easy.:D It does require some intent. The fact that he knew you would be home that morning either means it was deliberate cruelty on his part(for god knows what reason) or he's an idiot. Neither option is so good.

    Even if this was a one off and he won't do it again, he'll have to take the consequence of you leaving him to make it stick. He'll have to learn this lesson.

    The lesson you should take from this is that you're a good person, it's nothing to do with you that he cheated and not all men will do this to you.

    Many worry about Artificial Intelligence. I worry far more about Organic Idiocy.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,375 ✭✭✭padser


    brokengirl wrote:
    so angry that he's spoilt our future together for a meaningless fumble.

    He has only spoilt your future if you break up with him over it. If you go back and forgive him on the other hand, then it becomes just that - a meaningless fumble.

    Why don't you contact him and see if maybe their isn't some way you can work things out - u never know, and you seem to have a lot invested in this relationship etc etc.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 245 ✭✭~nop~


    Hey op it sounds from your talking to him that you have now got closure, and since your home country is only Wales i'd say it'll do you a lot of good to get completely away from here for a while.

    Having said that do make sure you keep in touch with your friends and everything here, it would be such a pity to turn your back on it all.

    With regards to the ex, he obviously had a good idea what he was doing, and he sounds like a bit of a waster considering the gambling and drinking problems, whereas you sound very nice and sincere, and therefore in the long run i'd say youre much better without him.

    I've been there and it hurts like hell, but not all men are like that. Maybe next time steer clear of the ones with drinking or gambling problems, and good luck for the future!


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,925 ✭✭✭aidan24326


    padser wrote:
    He has only spoilt your future if you break up with him over it. If you go back and forgive him on the other hand, then it becomes just that - a meaningless fumble.

    Why don't you contact him and see if maybe their isn't some way you can work things out - u never know, and you seem to have a lot invested in this relationship etc etc.

    No doubt it was just a meaningless fumble, to him. That unfortunately doesn't do much to console the OP. I always feel people deserve a chance but the really callous nature of this would suggest that 'brokengirl' is doing the right thing by bailing out.

    Even if he was bladdered drunk it's still a conscious decision to take someone home to bed, there's a certain decision process that had to happen regardless of alcohol intake. And if he was that drunk, then the OP's efforts at helping him through his problems seem to have been wasted on him.
    All the signs here point to the exit.


  • Posts: 22,785 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    brokengirl wrote:
    I'm still shaking and keep bursting into tears. Still can't eat. I never knew you could acatually feel so heart broken. Just glad we don't have kids. My home country is Wales so not too far away to move. Just moving for now but will come back after some tlc from my mum. I just had to get away today. I have so many memories with him in Dublin.
    God,I feel so sorry for you.
    Your feelings seep out well from your post.
    It's unfortunate that these things happen,It's a hard lesson learned for you.
    Take consolation though in the fact that you know what comittment and loving is.He certainly doesn't.
    Kharma will come back to you eventually and you willfind someone worthy of what you have to give.
    You are doing the right thing for now in going home and surrounding yourself in there rather than here.It will help you.

    Cliché,I know but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
    If you want my advice- Don't let this make you feel bitter or make you avoid finding someone else because you will.
    I'll end with another cliché but it's true-Things happen for a reason.
    Take care.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,833 ✭✭✭runswithascript


    Wow, I must be the only person in history to have ever done something stupid when I was drunk. I'm not advocating what he did but people do make incredible mistakes when they're drunk and regret them for the rest of their lives.

    I'm not a cheater.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 162 ✭✭dr_funkenstein


    Try being on the receiving end Dusf.

    You say you're not a cheater, but it sounds like you have cheated? Tell me, whats the difference?

    I'm sorry but I can't accept alcohol as an excuse. It's such rubbish. You do things when you're drunk that you want to do, but don't when you're sober because you realise the consequences. Anyone who thinks otherwise is not accepting who they are imho.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,314 ✭✭✭Talliesin


    aidan24326 wrote:
    No doubt it was just a meaningless fumble, to him. That unfortunately doesn't do much to console the OP. I always feel people deserve a chance but the really callous nature of this would suggest that 'brokengirl' is doing the right thing by bailing out.
    Agreed.

    I've often argued on the side of trying to make things continue to work in cases of infidelity if it can be made to work, but the way this was done does seem to take it a bit further.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    'If your gf is going through a cancer scare you do not go out and get plastered and bring a girl home! To be fair under those circumstances it is no longer just a drunken mistake!'


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,395 ✭✭✭Marksie


    brokengirl wrote:
    thank you for all your comments. I have left him. I couldn't stay. How would I ever sleep in that bed again, even if I had chucked him out. It was horrible enough being there for a few hours when I was packing.

    I'm still shaking and keep bursting into tears. Still can't eat. I never knew you could acatually feel so heart broken. Just glad we don't have kids. My home country is Wales so not too far away to move. Just moving for now but will come back after some tlc from my mum. I just had to get away today. I have so many memories with him in Dublin.

    I did speak to him and I know he's incredibly sorry. But he wasn't too drunk not to know what he was doing. He'd bought condoms on the way home. He remembers meeting her and bringing her back. Also, he knew how insecure I am about cheating and that I would leave if I even caught him once. All of this boils down to his problem with drinking and gambling and having no decent friends. I have done everything. He owes me a lot of money. Had it been just a drunken thing once I might be able to forgive if he had a complete and utter memory blank. But on top of everything, I don't know how we could ever get that trust back.

    I'm also going through a bit of a cancer scare at the moment. He knows I'm not supposed to be stressed out and that I really needed him. And yet, drinking and gambling came before me for the past few weeks. And now cheating. Its just so tragic....

    We used to make other couples so jealous. We really were amazing together. I'm in shock that its actually over....

    Thanks again to you all for your comments. I'm in such a daze not sure what's going on tbh....

    Oh i feel for you in this.
    I went through something similar a few years back in what was meant to be a closed monogamous relationship. You feel that literally your world has collapsed and you end up blaming yourself for it all..at least initially. Once the disbelief disappears it will be replaced by a whole gamut of emotions. You will be drifting here and there in a fog. Thinking back over things and the possibility of it having happened before is all part of this, but ultimately is of no benefit.

    Like your b/friend, she too was very sorry and horrified (it was someone she worked with). I made the decision to try and work things through, until the second time (with the same guy).
    The line was drawn then and the bags packed.

    But i see distinct similarities between the two. With the gambling and drinking and now this, i cannot help but suspect that he is in some really serious downward spiral, almost self destructive, personal crises. Which is not to condone or excuse anything he has done. You have supported him emotionally and financially (to help with his gambling?) and to do this to you is unforgiveable despite any issues he has.

    Still they are his issues and he has very much now been the author of his own misfortune. The most important person now is you.

    Going home at the moment is a wise thing, but do be sure that you are not giving everything up because of him and are able to return should you so desire. The TLC part is important to help you to heal. Be aware as well that when you return to dublin you are likely to get a resurgeance of these negative feelings.

    The feelings are raw and overwhelming at the moment but Irishbird did state that time will help, and it does, but at some future point there are two ways for you to go. You can either close inwards and give up on trust and intimacy with men or deflect this outwards and move onwards keeping open to the possibilities. Still, that is down the line and of course is not the immediate concern. But i would hate to think that someone as caring and supportive as you appear to be would turn inwards.

    I wish you all the very best and hope that you come to terms with this
    mark


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 112 ✭✭AS_PokerKing


    I'm not suggesting violence but i know a girl that something happened to her similiar to this and she super-glued his willy to his belly....not a nice site...and again i am not in any way suggesting you do this....


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 43,044 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    Then why bother posting about it.
    I suggest you take the time to read the rules for this forum inthe charter and abide by them while posting here.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 780 ✭✭✭Blackpitts


    I really feel sorry for the OP and I hope she can find the right man soon.
    BUt i have a question for all you guys, the OP wrote:

    "I did speak to him and I know he's incredibly sorry. But he wasn't too drunk not to know what he was doing. He'd bought condoms on the way home. He remembers meeting her and bringing her back."

    what would happen if he was really drunk? does it make easier to forgive a drunk cheater? Is alcohol a good excuse for cheating?
    I know that everyone loses the selfcontrol when drunk, but it is still unforgivable to sleep with someone else in any case, drunk or not!!!
    I still cannot understand how people is ready to forgive any kind of bad behaviour due to alcohol...
    :confused:


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 147 ✭✭Cancer-chick


    OP I think you are very brave to leave him..

    Drunk or not to actually buy the condoms on the way home would state to me that at some point in the drunken haze he was coherent enough to realise he should be careful.

    I hope your get support from your mum and i know its agony but you have to believe everyone here who tells you you will be ok .. It takes a long time sure.. But you will.

    I have been thru cancer and also had ex like this so if u need to talk PM me k

    I wish you well
    :o


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,458 ✭✭✭CathyMoran


    brokengirl wrote:
    I'm also going through a bit of a cancer scare at the moment.

    Sorry for all that you are going through - if you need to talk about the cancer scare please feel free to PM. I am recovering from cancer and have had some bad ex's in my time.


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,302 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Blackpitts wrote:
    BUt i have a question for all you guys,.../....
    what would happen if he was really drunk? does it make easier to forgive a drunk cheater? Is alcohol a good excuse for cheating?
    I know that everyone loses the selfcontrol when drunk, but it is still unforgivable to sleep with someone else in any case, drunk or not!!!
    I still cannot understand how people is ready to forgive any kind of bad behaviour due to alcohol...
    :confused:
    I agree alcohol is not a good excuse for many reasons. While self control may be compromised, the intent is there and sooner or later drunk or sober it might come out. If it's only when drunk then don't get drunk. I know we're talking about a man here, but the amount of women I know that will use the "I was drunk", when making dubious sex decisions is a bit too common as well. I think often that's for different reasons to men though.

    The other issue is somebody who has an alcohol problem and knowing that chooses to do this, suggests either a mean streak or a self destructive streak. Not good.

    I also think that the degree of the action is important. I can certainly see where a drunken snog might "just happen", can be forgivable and be capable of resolution, but to take it further suggests more going on.

    Many worry about Artificial Intelligence. I worry far more about Organic Idiocy.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    'i'm overwhelmed by all the responses - thank you. still feel awful. i know its pathetic, but I miss him so much. despite everything i can't just stop loving him overnight. just feel so sorry for him that he in such a self-destructive spiral. I hope this shocks him into getting help for his drinking...'


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Brokengirl

    This is not easy for you and dont try to be a hero :) You will miss him, you of course still love him but he has broken your trust and your heart.... He is in a spiral of self destruction and is not willing to take the help you have offered him. There is nothing more you can do except take care of yourself. This is a horrendous shock and horrendous pain. Dont beat yourself up for missing him - its natural. Just take care of yourself and try to get to a place where you can be minded. If your Mother is the best person to do that then go there....

    Best wishes,

    Sarah


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,980 ✭✭✭limklad


    brokengirl wrote:
    'i'm overwhelmed by all the responses - thank you. still feel awful. i know its pathetic, but I miss him so much. despite everything i can't just stop loving him overnight. just feel so sorry for him that he in such a self-destructive spiral. I hope this shocks him into getting help for his drinking...'
    In time you will overcome this, it is hard I know. But do not let your past experiences affect your future releationships. Just put it down to experience.
    Take care.


  • Hosted Moderators Posts: 7,486 ✭✭✭Red Alert


    I have often been told by friends that I'm sometimes overly forgiving of people. However thankfully I've never had to do that in terms of a relationship. I find being angry and annoyed eats away at me, so I know it's easier for me to forgive people when they've pissed me off. He doesn't deserve your forgiveness unconditionally, but it may be easier for you to forgive what he has done and forget about him in your mind, and leave him and that chapter of your life behind.

    I'm sorry too that your experience of Ireland has been like this - hopefully a nice person like you won't be driven away for ever! I hope your cancer scare clears itself up - you're in good hands here with a certain poster around too :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,375 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    brokengirl wrote:
    'i'm overwhelmed by all the responses - thank you. still feel awful. i know its pathetic, but I miss him so much. despite everything i can't just stop loving him overnight. just feel so sorry for him that he in such a self-destructive spiral. I hope this shocks him into getting help for his drinking...'

    You'll feel awful for a while.

    It seems like what happened could be a part of his self sabotage and a drowning persons instinct is to take you donw with them. Its incredibly difficult to both watch someone you love destroy themselves while also getting hit in the head with the shrapnel. You can see what they are doing and where they are going and how their pain is controlling them and hurting you but you are powerless to do anything about it.

    He has betrayed you yes, but he has betrayed himself in a far worse way.

    You have been living with an addict for several years supporting [enabling?] him through his recovery.

    Would you consider AL Alon meetings? Its for family and friends of recovering addicts.

    http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    borkengirl,

    Do not feel sorry for him.

    Its true you can't jus trurn off your feelings, but remember you are only 26 years old, there is a whole world out there and you are better off without that screw up. He's nearly 29 and it is up to him to sort his sorry life out!!

    Never give him another chance. He is scum. He knew how you felt about cheating and did it anyway. If you took him back he would just do it again because he got away with it the first time.

    You'll feel bad for a while but soon you'll see it is him and not you and he is not the person you thought he was,
    like I say there is a whole world out there and you can do whatever you want with your life :)

    Stay strong.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 37,308 ✭✭✭✭the_syco


    The way I see it: if you have enough money to help him gamble, you have enough money to support yourself. F**k going back to where you came from, look at www.Daft.ie you can get places for €200 a month. Not great, but good untill you have enough money to get a decent spot.

    Oh, and every time you think of forgiveness, your love for him, etc, picture in your mind what you saw when you came home.

    Plenty more men in the sea, and we ain't all bas*ards.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    'Heya everyone - thought I'd share some good news that I've had this week! Got the all clear from my cancer scare. Its such a relief!'


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 344 ✭✭Dreamer 7


    brokengirl wrote:
    'Heya everyone - thought I'd share some good news that I've had this week! Got the all clear from my cancer scare. Its such a relief!'


    Chuffed to hear that OP , now you can have a fresh start with someone who can really love you. Ur ex sounds like he doesnt love himself, so how could he begin to love you.....

    Best of luck x


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,406 ✭✭✭✭justsomebloke


    congrats and hope it all turns out well


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,536 ✭✭✭hamsterboy


    Excellent news brokengirl, just made my day :)
    Best of luck with everything, today there's a new you, everything that has happened up to now is irrelevant!
    Go live your life and find someone who will love and respect you as you deserve

    Go On Ya Good Thing!


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,107 ✭✭✭adonis


    where are u from broken girl??

    stay with him if you love him, or get him back.


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