the other woman returns

LegacyUser · 23-03-2007 04:57PM #1

Hey all,

I found out my boyfriend cheated on me last year with this girl he worked with. We were going out 5 years at the time but due to work commitments we were living in different countries for 10 months when this happened.
Since then she went to oz, him and I broke up when I heard but then got back together after I had moved back home. We are now living together and have sorted through our problems and we are very happy. He agreed not to be in touch with her anymore and I believe him

So here's my dilemma, I have recently found out (not through him) that this girl is due to come back from Australia in the next few weeks, he is still working in the same place and I know more than likely she will get her job back there to and I hate the idea of him even laying eyes on her never mind working with her. I'm not even sure he knows shes coming back.

We are great at the moment very happy and I'm not sure I want to ruin it at the moment by opening those old wounds and creating that tension by talking about her. So do i tell him i dint want him working with her, do i offer an ultimatum if she goes back there he must leave for us or do i leave it go till she is back and take it from there? Do i contact her and take the defensive gf role telling her where she stands?

And how do you strike up this conversation , he can get pretty defensive about this which is understandable it is a sore subject and he knows it devestated me and hates himself for hurting me. I think i know i should talk to him about this but i really don't know how to bring it up.

I'm not at all concerned that anything will happen between them again i just don't like the idea of them working together again which i think is understandable.

6 months ago i would have freaked to hear shes coming back but I'm very calm. I think that is because I know it was out of his desperation that he did it - no excuse i know- and i am secure in our relationship again. Believe me it took time but my trust in him is back not what it was but its there.

I would really like opinions on this, tell me if i am being naive or what ever you think

Thanks x x x

Kell · 23-03-2007 05:59PM

Dilemmaxx wrote:

I found out my boyfriend cheated on me last year with this girl he worked with. We were going out 5 years at the time

This is the only bit I focussed on. The rest is irrelevant. Ye were together five years and he does the dirt? If I were you, he would not be around today. It would have spared you all this present day worry.

As for your present worries? Nothing you can do really save for trust the guy that píssed all over your trust a year ago.

K-

cornbb · 23-03-2007 06:28PM

Many here will say that you are naive but I'd say you know the situation and circumstances better than any of us.

Seeing as you were big enough to forgive him and trust him after he did the dirt I'd say you have the right to lay down the law. Tell him to stay away from her. He should understand that the idea of her being around freaks you out and be somewhat humble about it, seeing as he got a second chance.

Then again if you really trust him, think he implicitly knows that he shouldn't be anywhere near her and you are really afraid of reopening those wounds, maybe you should play it by ear and say nothing for now.

LegacyUser · 23-03-2007 06:38PM

'OP

Was it a one night stand between them or was it a longer affair? If so, how did you find out?

Sarah'

LegacyUser · 23-03-2007 07:32PM

'

Dilemmaxx wrote:

I'm not at all concerned that anything will happen between them again

I'm sorry but I don't believe you. You know that he is capable of doing the dirt, no matter how you try to deny it, it'll always be in the back of your mind, will he do it again?

If you truly believed that he'd never do the dirt again, you wouldn't be concerned about this girl coming home.'

Wibbs · 23-03-2007 07:53PM

Kell wrote:

This is the only bit I focussed on. The rest is irrelevant. Ye were together five years and he does the dirt? If I were you, he would not be around today. It would have spared you all this present day worry.

Eh they were on a breeeeak.

While I don't condone infidelity, in fairness the fact that they were living apart in different countries kind of takes at least some of the sting out of it. If I was in the OP's position I would likely have taken them back all things being equal.

Dilemmaxx you say you believe him that nothing will happen. OK so why the worry and I'm not extracting the urine here? If you trust him and you've made a life for yourselves together after the breakup over this, the only thing you can really do is actually trust him. If you don't it'll eat at you and you may sabotage a good relationship over something he did in the past and by his account has no intention of repeating. Forgive and forget is a well worn phrase but I do think it's applicable here.

Trinity · 23-03-2007 08:06PM

I know you dont want to hear this but i gotta get it out of the way - I wouldnt have taken him back!! There i said it. I'm sure your forgiveness was the right thing for you to do at the time and you seem to have come through it.

Now to the issue at hand. Fcuk him. There i said that too. He caused this situation to begin with. You have handled it so far with dignity and pride.

I think its quite normal to worry in your situation. People forgive but i think the heart sometimes has a hard time forgetting such hurt and betrayal and naturally when something like this happens it has flashbacks!!

Now why the hell wouldnt you bring it up casually? I'm sure it opens wounds for you too but if its bothering you then do so. Its not yourfault you are in the position to begin with and while he has no control over her coming back, it will affect your relationship.

I would bring it up casually. Oh i heard xxx was coming back, how do you feel about that. Dont be aggressive, dont give any ultimatums just let the conversation progress in a calm manner. Hopefully with a bit of control it wont turn into a row. Then tell him how you feel about it.

If he says he doesnt want to talk about it tell him you need to or it will build up and you would rather discuss it calmly now than explode in the near future.

you really need to think about yourself here and your wants and needs. Its all about compromise and trust too but dont walk on eggshells to please him.

You either trust him or you dont and this is probably the biggest test of all.Ultimately she may not even come back to work there. But if you make some sort of decision together as a couple, instead of telling him what to do, there will be less room for resentment further on down the line and strenghten your bond even more.

dudara · 23-03-2007 08:07PM

Sometimes affairs like that can make a relationship stronger, because you work through your problems as you deal with the aftermath. Well done on coming through it, and learning to trust again. Affairs like that can bring a person to their knees.

I don't think that it is unreasonable to ask him not to see her again. In fact, ask might be too weak. If he is committed to your relationship, this is not unreasonable to ask him. It's not to be confused with being controlling or domineering. It's a commitment to the relationship, and if he truly understands the damage he caused you, then he'll also know that it's not an unreasonable request on your part.

Wibbs · 23-03-2007 08:19PM

Trinity1 wrote:

I know you dont want to hear this but i gotta get it out of the way - I wouldnt have taken him back!! There i said it. I'm sure your forgiveness was the right thing for you to do at the time and you seem to have come through it.

Possibly, but some of the best relationships I know have gone through similar.

Now to the issue at hand. Fcuk him. There i said that too. He caused this situation to begin with. You have handled it so far with dignity and pride.

Eh you neither know him, the OP, the context, the depth of the affair or the reason for it. They were apart for 10 months and he screwed up. So far so bad. Obviously there was more to their relationship that warranted them making up. It happens.

I think its quite normal to worry in your situation. People forgive but i think the heart sometimes has a hard time forgetting such hurt and betrayal and naturally when something like this happens it has flashbacks!!

Yes and you can control said flashbacks, if you so choose. Especially if there's little evidence of a present issue except in the OP's head. Otherwise forgiveness is just lip service. While it is good to be prudent, sometimes letting this shít go in an otherwise strong relationship is the only way forward.

Now why the hell wouldnt you bring it up casually?

I agree but as you say the OP has to be careful not to jump to any conclusions about the present situation and not bring up the mistakes of the past. Hanging it over his head forever like a sword of Damocles is not healthy for either of you.

it will affect your relationship.

Only in one of two ways; if she lets it and if in the unlikely event he does anything. That's pretty much it.

If he says he doesnt want to talk about it tell him you need to or it will build up and you would rather discuss it calmly now than explode in the near future.

Good advice, but be careful some people can "discuss things calmly" and it comes out like arrrrgh.

you really need to think about yourself here and your wants and needs.

And his. They are supposed to be a couple. As a couple it's not a one sided thing if she actually forgave him.

You either trust him or you dont.

Ignore all posts on this if you will and concentrate on this one and this one;

dudara wrote:

Sometimes affairs like that can make a relationship stronger, because you work through your problems as you deal with the aftermath.

Trinity · 23-03-2007 08:51PM

Eh you neither know him, the OP, the context, the depth of the affair or the reason for it. They were apart for 10 months and he screwed up. So far so bad. Obviously there was more to their relationship that warranted them making up. It happens.

Of course not, i only know what i read. They were a couple for 5 yrs, circumstances meant they were apart for 10 months and he cheated (in the OPs own words so i take it if she saw it as cheating that they still had some form of relationship.

I already said she has done well to come through it.

I also said they need to discuss it as a couple rather than her telling him what to do.

My point is this is the aftermath of his 'bad' and if its bothering the OP why shouldnt she bring it up calmly instead of brushing it under the carpet?
If they were strong enough to overcome infidelity surely a conversatio wont kill the realsionship. Is communication and honesty not essential to a healthy relationship?

I never said she had to torture him or rub his nose in it. They need to discuss it as adults.

I also said this.

You either trust him or you dont and this is probably the biggest test of all.Ultimately she may not even come back to work there. But if you make some sort of decision together as a couple, instead of telling him what to do, there will be less room for resentment further on down the line and strenghten your bond even more.

CathyMoran · 23-03-2007 09:17PM

I think that the next few months will be tough on you as she will bring back bad memories. How did they split up? Was it a one night stand? Did he torture you mentally before you found out about the affair? These factors all have a bearing as to how you get on.

Some of the strongest relationships I know have survived affairs, so there is hope. You will need to trust him which is very hard but you can get through this together.

King of Kings · 23-03-2007 09:44PM

while understand the OP's point of view and possibly agree with it. I feel that the issue with one partner cheating is not the initial rage/ forgiveness of the other but how they handle the coming months and years. Is the wronged party always checking up on the cheater? is the cheater walking on eggshells forever begging for forgiveness.

If it comes to the crunch :
can you ask him to leave his job for your sake?
and will he?

you should bring that up with him soon or it will fester and cause a massive blowout later.

BTW - does the other woman know she was the other woman and/or that you know?
cos maybe she may want to give him a wide berth anyway

yournamehere · 23-03-2007 09:47PM

sometimes an incident like that can be a symptom of trouble rather the coause of troubles. If it was a one off incident it was understandable to take him back when you'd been together so long.

Was it a once off or an affair?

She may not even come back to the office. She may have been innocent to your existence even.

I don't think you should give him an ultimatum as this may lead him to believe you still don't trust him....but you should talk to him about it, just mention you heard she was due back and ho would that l;eave things

Wibbs · 23-03-2007 11:30PM

Trinity1 wrote:

Of course not, i only know what i read. They were a couple for 5 yrs, circumstances meant they were apart for 10 months and he cheated (in the OPs own words so i take it if she saw it as cheating that they still had some form of relationship.

Hey I agree. There are different levels of cheating. Was this a snog, a one nighter or a long term affair? but I think we can leave that one where it is. The "I wouldn't take him back" and "Fcuk him" kinda threw me there. A tad antagonistic, you go girl sorta stuff. I obviously read you wrong. Apologies.

I also said they need to discuss it as a couple rather than her telling him what to do.

Preaching to the choir here.

My point is this is the aftermath of his 'bad' and if its bothering the OP why shouldnt she bring it up calmly instead of brushing it under the carpet?

Calmly is the trick. No ultimatums 5 minutes in. No dredging up the past just to make one feel better momentarily.

If they were strong enough to overcome infidelity surely a conversatio wont kill the realsionship. Is communication and honesty not essential to a healthy relationship?

Yes and yes.

CathyMoran wrote:

I think that the next few months will be tough on you as she will bring back bad memories. How did they split up? Was it a one night stand? Did he torture you mentally before you found out about the affair? These factors all have a bearing as to how you get on.

Some of the strongest relationships I know have survived affairs, so there is hope. You will need to trust him which is very hard but you can get through this together.

Had to put that one in bold type. bang on the money.

davyjose · 23-03-2007 11:51PM

I think the problem Dliemma, is that you didn't really deal with the problem while it was a problem. You let him off the hook, and if you open these wounds and throwing out ultimatums you are going to appear as the bad guy.
IMO, infidelity is the bullet to any relationship - there is no possible way of ever truly getting over it(I'm not saying this is the way for everybody, but certainly most people), because it's always there. And because maybe you were too weak to show him the door, you now have to deal with the consequences.
i wish you luck. It's going to be a tough time for you.

Wibbs · 24-03-2007 01:32AM

davyjose wrote:

I think the problem Dliemma, is that you didn't really deal with the problem while it was a problem.

Possibly, nay probably.

You let him off the hook,

Maybe just maybe she looked at all the sides and decided to forgive him. It happens.

and if you open these wounds and throwing out ultimatums you are going to appear as the bad guy.

True. Maybe, just maybe because she will be the bad guy if he thought he was forgiven and that part of his life was over. Does anyone get what forgiveness means?

IMO, infidelity is the bullet to any relationship - there is no possible way of ever truly getting over it(I'm not saying this is the way for everybody, but certainly most people),

The in brackets part covers more ground TBH.

because it's always there.

Only if you let be there and if the original reason for the infidelity hasn't been addressed.

And because maybe you were too weak to show him the door, you now have to deal with the consequences.

Contemplation on the facts and forgiveness arising from same is a weakness now?

i wish you luck.

I agree with you there.

It's going to be a tough time for you.

Only if you let it be, only if the forgiveness wasn't meant as a genuine attempt to recover a relationship that was good for you both and not a weapon to be used in the future when insecurity rears it's ugly head on either side.

The facts are this as you write them; You had a good relationship for 5 years. You were separated for ten months. In that time he had a liaison of Indeterminate duration and intensity, but in any event it was a betrayal to your relationship. After which you decided that you and he were good together and forgiveness was in order. He concurred and off you went to a stronger relationship and a future together. Fine so far.

Now the above strong relationship may be scuppered because of your(natural in many ways) suspicion about this ex cheatess hoving into view.

For 5 years you had no reason not to trust him. After you forgave him you had no reason not to trust him. Continue that and let his actions be the proof or not. In the end, all you can do by not trusting him and not letting him know that trust is to possibly drive a wedge between you. A wedge that a good and happy relationship of nearly six years doesn't deserve.

Talk to him. Let him know your feelings in a rational and heartfelt way. I do wish you luck, but you may make your own luck in this case.

Trinity · 24-03-2007 12:47PM

Wibbs , i have the utmost respect for your advice on PI.

I agree fcuk him was possibly a bit harsh and may have come across as forgive him but punish him for the rest of his life. That is absolutely not what i meant, sure they would only be making life hell for each other if that was the case.

What i meant was, i felt she was 'afraid' to bring it up in case it should upset him and this i do not agree with. It will eat away at her and ultimately the relationship if she lets it. It is best to get these things out in the open.

They can get through this if handled correctly. I have no experience in this department thats why i threw in the 'I wouldnt take him back' so the OP would know my advice was pure guess work.
If shebrings it up it should be in a non aggressive manner, or he will go on the defensive and that will no doubt end up in a row.

She has done extremely well to overcome this i admire her strength and commitment to the relationship. It doesnt sound like she has been throwing it in his face and thats why i dont believe this conversation will ruin the relationship but will make it stronger.

Its not what you say but how you say it!

Wibbs · 24-03-2007 12:59PM

Trinity1 wrote:

Wibbs , i have the utmost respect for your advice on PI.

Can I get that on a T-shirt? Nobody will believe it otherwise.:D Thanks though.

I agree fcuk him was possibly a bit harsh and may have come across as forgive him but punish him for the rest of his life. That is absolutely not what i meant, sure they would only be making life hell for each other if that was the case.

Yes sorry I get that now.

What i meant was, i felt she was 'afraid' to bring it up in case it should upset him and this i do not agree with. It will eat away at her and ultimately the relationship if she lets it. It is best to get these things out in the open.

On the button.

If shebrings it up it should be in a non aggressive manner, or he will go on the defensive and that will no doubt end up in a row.

That would be my concern too.

Its not what you say but how you say it!

I need that on a T-shirt too!

4Xcut · 24-03-2007 01:12PM

Dilemmaxx wrote:

do i offer an ultimatum

didn't even read what the ultimatum was, but no. An ultimatum may appear to be something someone in a strong position does but all it really shows is that you have no other options and have abandoned reasonable discussion. I don;t mean this in an insulting way or to say that you are unreasonable(actally, i don't think i'd like the idea myself) but in a general sense one only offers an ultimatum if there is nothing else at all to be done. if you want to continue this relationship then whatever you decide to do , don't issue an ultimatum

metrovelvet · 24-03-2007 03:41PM

I dont think an ultimatem is a good idea, you leave all the decision making in the hands of another and you end up making them feel like a rat in a corner, which is never good for either of you.

When you forgive someone for doing something like this, it is a huge act of strength and generosity but it doesnt sound like you really had forgiven him at the time or that you both resolved it.

Did you commit to the forgiveness? Were/are you able to let it go and move on?

When you forgive someone and take them back/keep them in your life, you make the conscious choice to restore your trust of them. Do you think you did this? Do you think you are able to do this?

I dont think you should contact her, since this is between you and him, keep it that way, dont invite her in.

Could you say something to him like, you have have found out shes coming back and may come back to the same place of work and its making old insecurities resurface and could he offer you some reassurance?

I think you can get through this, but it wont be easy.

Wibbs · 24-03-2007 03:47PM

metrovelvet wrote:

I dont think you should contact her, since this is between you and him, keep it that way, dont invite her in.

Good advice.

Could you say something to him like, you have have found out shes coming back and may come back to the same place of work and its making old insecurities resurface and could he offer you some reassurance?

Again good advice and the way to bring the subject up IMHO.

axer · 24-03-2007 05:04PM

shhh wrote:

If you truly believed that he'd never do the dirt again, you wouldn't be concerned about this girl coming home.

Quoted for truth.

Wibbs wrote:

Eh they were on a breeeeak. While I don't condone infidelity, in fairness the fact that they were living apart in different countries kind of takes at least some of the sting out of it.

Couldn't disagree more. It actually makes it worse. According to the OP they were not on a break - she was just living in a different country.

Wibbs · 24-03-2007 08:03PM

axer wrote:

Quoted for truth.

Agreed, but the fact is that's her perception, her belief, not the reality of what he may or may not do. Indeed, often what you wish for you will get.

Couldn't disagree more. It actually makes it worse. According to the OP they were not on a break - she was just living in a different country.

Worse? Ok two people are living together in Ireland. He or she has an affair. Two people are going out together but are separated for ten months. They barely see each other if at all. he or she has an affair. Compare and contrast. While any infidelity is unjustifiable, one can surely understand how one version of events is the lesser and easier to justify and forgive?

In any event she choose to forgive him and she choose to continue what is apparently a good relationship. She can also choose to see this as a test of her forgiveness and resolve and further grow the relationship, or she can choose not to on the basis that he might cheat.

So the other woman comes back to Ireland. So she even goes back to work where he works. Does this mean anything will happen given the circumstances are very much changed and the OP's relationship has grown since this happened?

Ickle Magoo · 24-03-2007 09:32PM

For what it's worth, I don't the semantics of their situation are relevant - it just sounds like blustering to try & make what he did sound more acceptable tbh...bottom line is the OP considered herself & this man in a monogamous relationship & he cheated on her, hurting her mightily in the process.

OP,

I have to kind of agree with the poster who said you can't trust your man or this wouldn't be an issue. If you have forgiven him & accepted his excuses for his past infidelity then you have to draw a line under the event & move on - I don't think you can hold it as a stick over his head for the rest of your relationship or it will only cause further hurt & damage. I think you have every right to ask him up front about what kind of contact he anticipates on this womans return & to ask for complete transparency with regards to his thoughts on the matter & to hear your thought, worries & fears on the matter. Anything else is just going to cause mistrust & angst. You can use this to bring you closer together or it will open all the old wounds & bring back the anger.

I think you both have to sit down & talk openly & honestly - without judgment - and perhaps lay some boundaries for each other. (ie he has to tell about any contact & you have to promise not to mention it if he doesn't...). I think managing a relationship through infidelity must be one of the hardest things to do - especially if the cheating parties are still in contact. Best of luck.

Caryatnid · 25-03-2007 01:03AM

Hi OP.
Although I haven't ready every single post here in detail, I feel I don't agree with the majority.
Your situation seems to be: you're happy, you trust him, you have forgiven him for past things and are over it.
So now this girl is coming back. If you do trust your man, and really believe he won't do the dirt again, then so what.
I'd wait until he tells you she is coming back (he should be in trouble if he doesn't tell you when he finds out, btw). I'd ask him how close they will be working together. If it's veerrry close, and if you just can't deal with it, then he has to change it for you.
If it's just like someone in the office who he can avoid, I'd ask him to have minimal contact with her.
But if you really do think he's trustworthy, then no point getting your knickers in a twist. I know it's totally sh!t that the girl who was half the cause of so much pain is coming back in your life, in a kind of a way, but if you trust him completely, then it should be ok.

HOWEVER - if you do not think he's trustworthy, then I agree with the majority of posts here.

LegacyUser · 26-03-2007 09:37AM

Hey all

Thanks for your comments much appreciated. In relation to those saying if i forgave him then i would trust him however no matter how much i forgave him there may always be a "what if factor" which i think it understandable.

Anyway I said it to him, very casually, very calmly just said " X must be due back soon enough" he said "yeh" of course his face dropped when I asked is she coming back here he said "yes" and i said "thats gonna be hard for me to deal with" and his response was "that B*t*H I'll never have anything to do with her again.

Ok so you may think that if i believe him im bing gullable but it was the body language. SO i am going to relax and let things run their course.

It did take a long while to trust him again, after being betrayed it just doesnt come back over nite.

anyway thanks for your input

CathyMoran · 26-03-2007 10:05AM

I think that the other woman will always make your blood boil, no matter how much time has passed, it is far easier to forgive your partner. He gave the right response - I know someone else who did something similar to your partner and he hates her now but has never cheated since. You are going to be fine.

Wibbs · 26-03-2007 10:15AM

Dilemmaxx wrote:

Ok so you may think that if i believe him im bing gullable but it was the body language. SO i am going to relax and let things run their course.

Personally I don't think you're being gullible at all. All you can really do is relax and let things run their course. The alternative is to split what appears to be a good relationship and regret it later. Hope it goes and continues to go well for you.

BoozyBabe · 26-03-2007 10:40AM

Ok, I feel for you a lot.

Haven't read all the replies, but I hope you're happy in your relationship & your decision.

My one question is: why did he call her a bitch?
Is it just cos he thought that's what you'd want to hear?
Or did she relentlessly pursue him, is it through her that you found out or what?

I can imagine you calling her a bitch, no problem, that's understandable, but he chose to sleep with her. why should he now think she's a bitch?

LegacyUser · 26-03-2007 10:56AM

He called her a bitch because of the hassle and hurt it has caused us, he knows how much his betrayel hurt me and I told him in detail when we broke up and when we were talkin about gettin back together. I think he now associates her with the pain he has caused and hates the fact that his mistake damaged us so badly after talking to him i think is pure association with her, hard to explain but it was the look in his eyes. And with him his true feelings read in his eyes, I know him so well and i believe him. He has built up resentment to her for our hassle n to be honest I couldnt care less if he hates her, whether she deserves it or not.

And he is not one of these people who just says things cos i want to hear it, we're straight forward with each other.

Through the time we got back together after his betrayel till now, we have really worked at things, my trust had to be built up from nothing, which is a harder thing to do than start a new relationship cos trust is a given there, you have no reason to doubt a new love. But for us it was right to forgive, and in fairness to him he has done his best and given his all to get me to a place where i can trust him. It was hard work but Im there now this post was really to settle that tiny voice inside sayin what if.

We have built our relationship up again, and have had fun doing it. I am prepared now for her return what will be will be, thank you all for your in put has really cleared things up in my mind

Beruthiel · 26-03-2007 11:08AM

Dilemmaxx wrote:

He called her a bitch because of the hassle and hurt it has caused us

How that gives him the right to call her names is beyond me, he's the guy at fault here, not her.

He has built up resentment to her for our hassle

Projecting his anger onto her so he doesn't have to deal with where the hassle truly lies, at his feet.

this post was really to settle that tiny voice inside sayin what if.

thank you all for your in put has really cleared things up in my mind

I presume that you are now happy with the situation?

the other woman returns

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