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the other woman returns

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Comments

  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,302 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Beruthiel wrote:
    How that gives him the right to call her names is beyond me, he's the guy at fault here, not her.
    Unless she knew he was in a relationship, in which case fault definitely attaches to her as well. Frankly IMO people who knowingly get involved with people in existing relationships are almost as misguided and bad as the person who cheats. I put them in the same category as receivers of stolen goods. Little good comes of it. Plus she may have been a "bitch" in other ways. We don't know that.
    Projecting his anger onto her so he doesn't have to deal with where the hassle truly lies, at his feet.
    Not really. I mean, it appears that he regrets the episode and he and they have worked towards putting it behind them. His projection, while not entirely healthy, is as Dilemmaxx says "he now associates her with the pain he has caused and hates the fact that his mistake damaged us so badly after talking to him i think is pure association with her".

    So long as it remains an association of what he would have lost and he doesn't overly resent the other woman, indeed if he gets to the stage that he can internally thank her for teaching him a valuable lesson, mores the better.

    Many worry about Artificial Intelligence. I worry far more about Organic Idiocy.



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,375 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    Beruthiel is completely right. When I read his reaction of calling her a bitch and displaying anger I was a little taken aback. Seriously, how dare he.

    He was the one who made the commitment to OP, not the "other woman" and he was the one who lied to her and he is the one who OP has to learn to trust again. And he has the bare faced nerve to displace his anger on to this woman who has returned from abroad?

    What kind of cop out is that, calling the "other woman" a bitch as a way to offer OP false reassurance and sweep it all under the rug - yet again.

    I can see what Wibbs is saying and in general I would agree that the third party have facilitated the betrayal, but they are certainly not responsible for it. Also remember, we have no idea what OPs guy had told "the other woman" about the status of his relationship. You wouldnt believe how common the cliche of "things arent great at home, im so lonely, my wife doesnt understand me, she just complains all the time,all I do is work work work, im going to leave soon Im just waiting for ........ ther right time..."
    or how common it is to believe it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,458 ✭✭✭CathyMoran


    You can never tell why an affair happens, it is not always the cheater that is the active party in the affair, I have known of women who actively persued visibly attached vulnerable men. I think that it is better to give the OP's partner the benefit of the doubt. In the end of the day the OP has to trust her instincts with her partner, they have obviously worked a lot on the relationship since.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,395 ✭✭✭Drift


    It could be that the situation he got himself into was a bitch and he doesn't like the memory - naturally enough the main person he associates with this memory would be her. He might be projecting a bit of his anger towards himself onto her ... thats quite common for a lot of things though. Hating your boss because you hate your job would be an example.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,518 ✭✭✭axer


    Beruthiel wrote:
    How that gives him the right to call her names is beyond me, he's the guy at fault here, not her.
    ...
    Projecting his anger onto her so he doesn't have to deal with where the hassle truly lies, at his feet.
    My thoughts exactly.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 263 ✭✭Aura


    It sounds like you've both done a lot of work on the relationship since this happened, just because this woman will be geographically closer to your lives again does not mean she will be in it or that your boyfriend would be so stupid as throw away something he has had to fight for in the past.

    Relax, and enjoy what to me seems to be a healthy relationship if the lines of communcation between you both are strong enough to have weathered this storm.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    yeah, I was a little annoyed there reading what you said he said.

    It takes two to tango. Him calling her a bitch wont make what he did go away, or take the hurt away.

    Even if she actively pursued him, he should have said no - there is always that option.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    '
    Drift wrote:
    It could be that the situation he got himself into was a bitch and he doesn't like the memory - naturally enough the main person he associates with this memory would be her. He might be projecting a bit of his anger towards himself onto her ... thats quite common for a lot of things though. Hating your boss because you hate your job would be an example.


    Thanks Drift, this is really what I see it as, his anger with himself made him react this way towards her. And thats fine with me :)
    And to be honest I dont want to hear people defending her if it was any of ye in this situation ye would feel the same way towards her as I do!

    I talked to him yesterday he's decided of his own accord to get a different job, he's not sure if she'll be back workin there but he says he thinks its whats best for us so it wont cause any problems.'


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Ahhhh lady, noone is defending her, but noone is defending your boyfriend either - only you.

    Just trying to say that she is not the only one culpable.

    I dont blame you at all for feeling threathened by her - I would too. But please realise that your partner is just as guilty as she is and calling her a bitch is something that I wouldnt even tolerate in this situation.

    If she is a bitch then he is a bas*ard for cheating.

    It insinuates that she is the one in the wrong.

    Guess at the end of the day you are doing what makes you happy so best of luck to both of you.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    OP,

    I think your fella looking for another job to avoid temptation or coming into contact with this girl is not a bad idea - but only if you have sorted out what problems in your relationship or within himself led him to stray in the first place. I have to agree with Beruthial, no-one is responsible for where my partner decides to put his hands/penis/etc except him - there is certainly no get-out clause such as "Ach, if only the girl hadn't persued him he wouldn't have had to resort to snogging/shagging her - the cow" - I'm sure you know how woolly it sounds.

    I don't blame you for directing some anger towards the girl in question but I wouldn't let that blind you to the fact that the girl had no relationship or loyalty to you, unlike your fella - remember who actually hurt you, don't fall into that common trap of both blaming the third party & glossing over the facts. You are right, I would be angry at her too - but then I wouldn't have forgiven my fella in the first place, so I wouldn't be in this dilemma...it's a bit of double edged sword, eh?! Anyway, best of luck, I hope it all works out.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,458 ✭✭✭CathyMoran


    Unless you have actually been in this situation you can not know how you or your other half will react. I am not saying for a second that you are not very annoyed and hurt from your partners actions, it can still hurt years later but you can get past it, it takes a lot of work on both sides and it is far easier to just give up. The other woman or man will always be a source of annoyance and hurt and I think that it is right that the OP's partner is looking for another job, having them in the background would be like rubbing salt in a wound.

    The big thing is that you have to move on from the affair, it can not be used in anger in a row years down the line - OP, I wish you the best of luck, my gut insinct is that you two will be fine.


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,302 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    I don't blame you for directing some anger towards the girl in question but I wouldn't let that blind you to the fact that the girl had no relationship or loyalty to you, unlike your fella
    That depends on the context. If the person is innocent of the existing relationship, then fine, but if someone male or female pursues somebody who is in an existing relationship, they do shoulder some responsibility and loyalty. To another human being if nothing else. While the one in the relationship shoulders most of the blame, I've seen to many running around with married people to have much sympathy for them. It's damned bad manners if nothing else. As I said before they're not the thief, but they're in the same bracket as receivers of stolen goods in my book.
    CathyMoran wrote:
    Unless you have actually been in this situation you can not know how you or your other half will react.
    Very much so.
    it takes a lot of work on both sides and it is far easier to just give up.
    Which is why many in this position would. In my experience couples who have gone through similar(and worse, where a pregnancy resulted in one case I know of :eek: ) and work through it often have stronger relationships than those who luckily haven't been tested.

    The big thing is that you have to move on from the affair,
    it can not be used in anger in a row years down the line
    That's a biggy, but if you do work through it that shouldn't be an issue.
    OP, I wish you the best of luck, my gut insinct is that you two will be fine.
    Same here.

    Many worry about Artificial Intelligence. I worry far more about Organic Idiocy.



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Hi Wibbs,

    I see what you are trying to convey but I don't think we are ever going to agree on this topic. :)

    Someone who knows the person they are persuing has a partner is definately not doing something which I consider to be very nice or honourable but, Rohypnol aside, it is entirely up to the person in the relationship to tell the person persuing to £"!$ off - or not. If someone chooses to let a pursuit turn into anything more - and lets face it, this is all about self restraint & free choice - I can't see how that is anyone elses fault but their own, so the blame in terms of hurting the partner must be split 98 - 2 to the partner, if that....

    A man can chase me but ultimately the minute I give in, I have let down myself, my partner & our relationship - no-one else gave in or risked it all for me. I think most people have cheated or been cheated on at some stage in their lives so most understand the hurt involved from either or both perspectives, unfortunately. :(

    Anyway, those ramblings don't help you, OP. :o It must be extremely difficult thing to forgive & to put 100% behind you. I think Wibbs & Cathy have some great advice for you, they are right about getting closure & moving on. Hope you come out stronger for it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Bottom line - she was single and he wasn't - he is the 'bitc#' in my opinion. OP you are making excuses for him and avoiding the reality. He sounds all talk and is placating you without taking responsibility for his own actions.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,287 ✭✭✭davyjose


    zxcvb wrote:
    Ahhhh lady, noone is defending her, but noone is defending your boyfriend either - only you.

    Just trying to say that she is not the only one culpable.

    I dont blame you at all for feeling threathened by her - I would too. But please realise that your partner is just as guilty as she is and calling her a bitch is something that I wouldnt even tolerate in this situation.

    If she is a bitch then he is a bas*ard for cheating.

    It insinuates that she is the one in the wrong.

    Guess at the end of the day you are doing what makes you happy so best of luck to both of you.
    In fact, I would go so far as to say, he's MUCH worse than her. Think about it - what did she do that was so wrong? What loyalty, may I ask, does - or did - she owe to the OP. I'm sorry OP, but your unconditional defence of your boyfriend seems very likely to lead you further into trouble. And as I said before, it seems as though you just won't face up to what he has done.
    I could be wrong, and I hope I am, but what is distinctly possible - and having come on here and asking for objective opinions and advice, I am simply offering mine - is that your boyfriend is taking you for an absolute fool. And this new girl is a danger; it's funny how when someone holds an attraction to someone, it can rear its head at any time.


  • Posts: 22,785 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Bottom line - she was single and he wasn't - he is the 'bitc#' in my opinion. OP you are making excuses for him and avoiding the reality. He sounds all talk and is placating you without taking responsibility for his own actions.
    I'm just picking out this post as an example of the many on this thread.
    Discussing who is the bitch and who isn't and whether the guy was right or wrong to call the kettle black arsé is a side track.
    Fact is the OP and her BF made up after his discretion and now she's in the position of being "we are where we are".
    The girl coming back from Oz is the new thing and whats being asked about.

    @ the OP:

    In my opinion play it by ear and see what happens.
    By all means be extra watchfull of her contact with him but at the end of the day he's with you and not her and thats what counts.
    What also counts is that you have forgiven him.
    You can deal with a 2nd infidelity separately if it arises and it might never happen.
    It's pointless worrying about something that might not happen.
    Maybe give her return extra scrutiny for a month or two.
    Set yourself a limit on it and then if nothing has happened,just relax and completely forget about it.
    You've won.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    'Tristrame,

    I am quoting him back to her when i say 'bitch'.... Its his words not mine. As for your comment 'you won' - she has hardly won as she still evidently has no peace and doesnt trust him.......'


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,724 ✭✭✭BoozyBabe


    Thaedydal wrote:
    and you are banned.

    That made me giggle!!!! ;)

    Anyway, OP:- I first commented on the 'Bitch' comment because it annoyed me a lot that he'd the cheek to call HER the bitch!!!!

    Anyway, there has been more than enough comments on that & it seems that a lot of people are trying to make you doubt your decision to forgive him.

    Please understand that I am not one of them.
    To be able to fogive someone for something like that says a lot about the person positively, & hopefully says a lot about your relationship that you seem to come through it.

    Hopefully that is the little scare that your bf needed to make him realise how important you are to him, & so hopefully means you've a very long & happy life together.

    Him deciding to find another job is very good of him. It is reinforcing to you again that he wants nothing to do with her, & is easing the torture for you so that you'll not have to suffer the thought of him laying eyes on her every day.

    I would never have been a strong enough person to come through something like that, so I say fair fecks to you for doing so.

    I wish you all the best in your future & hope he's the model partner to you for as long as you want. If that's forever, then so be it.

    Take care,
    BB


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I honestly think that he is making the effort to put my issues at ease even in his comment of her being a bitch, to some of you this is unfair and harsh and thats ye're opinion and thats fine. I understand what ye are saying that he has no right calling her that but thats how he has grown to feel about her.

    I was hurt and devestated by what he did but please do not underestimate me I am a very strong person and I will not let him walk all over me or make a fool of me I know if it came to it I would have the strenght to leave him and move on.

    Forgiveness is a hard thing when you are hurt and in my situation now I can only be vigilant and take Tristrame's advise to give the situation extra scrutiny for a period but I am not going to waste my time after that.

    My mindframe today says what will be will be, and if we're not meant to be I will find out and not waste my time

    Thanks guys x


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,662 ✭✭✭Trinity


    Dilemmaxx wrote:
    I honestly think that he is making the effort to put my issues at ease even in his comment of her being a bitch, to some of you this is unfair and harsh and thats ye're opinion and thats fine. I understand what ye are saying that he has no right calling her that but thats how he has grown to feel about her.

    I was hurt and devestated by what he did but please do not underestimate me I am a very strong person and I will not let him walk all over me or make a fool of me I know if it came to it I would have the strenght to leave him and move on.

    Forgiveness is a hard thing when you are hurt and in my situation now I can only be vigilant and take Tristrame's advise to give the situation extra scrutiny for a period but I am not going to waste my time after that.

    My mindframe today says what will be will be, and if we're not meant to be I will find out and not waste my time

    Thanks guys x

    I find that very admirable and i wish you all the best..:)


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