Parents going away and sis wants a load of friends over, I'm "in charge"...

LegacyUser · 22-03-2007 01:34AM #1

Ok, basically I'm 18 and my sister's 15. My parents are going away next weekend.

They did this once before and my sister asked could she have friends over and I refused on the basis that it was their first time leaving us on our own and we should respect thier trust. She told my mom she made arrangements to sleep in a friend's house. I went out that night to come home to 6 drunken 14 and 15 year old girls in my house.... I gave out to my sister, but I knew she didn't really care, and I could hardly kick them out at that stage. I told her never to do that to me again and I let it go.

Now this time when she asked me if she could have friends over I compromised by saying that she could but only her two close friends could stay the night. She wasn't happy with this and wants 10 girls over that night and wants 5/6 to stay over and keeps at me with the whole "pleeeeeaaaasse!" act. I told her that she could either accept my compromise or I'd quietly tell my parents what she'd been up to. Now I really don't want to go telling tales, but it seems my only source of power/authority here. I don't want the house being used as a hostel of sorts for my sisters drunken friends so they won't get caught by their parents. I know I could simply let it go, but my sister's attitude towards our parents these days is horrible IMO and she seems to think she can do anything she wants.

And besides everything else, I don't want my head wrecked with a load of most likely drunk 14/15 year old girls in the house on a Friday night....

I know I'm not going to be able to stop this from happening, however, but I don't want to just let it go like last time. I really don't want to go telling tales to my parents either...

Sigh, perhaps I'm being too uptight about this, but I really don't like this situation, what should I do?

Nevyn · 22-03-2007 01:53AM

ASk your parents advice.
Tell them what she has been asking you questions about and ask for thier advice if she should invite a load of people over.

PeakOutput · 22-03-2007 02:00AM

Thaedydal wrote:

ASk your parents advice.
Tell them what she has been asking you questions about and ask for thier advice if she should invite a load of people over.

i know your probably rolling your eyes up at heaven to this advice op but in fairness im 21 and my little brother and sister try to get around my parents loads by asking me to do things...i just say it to my parents and they are generally ye dats grand.....parents are happy as long sa they know wat brother nd sister are up to brother and sister are happy with me cause they think im the cool bro(hahaha) and bro and sis are happy

there is no way id be thinking about letting them drink especially in the house under your supervision even if your sister has permission to drink the other girls mightn't and if something happens who do you think their parents will come running too.........

i reckon let her have MAX 10 mates over and see how it goes

edited due to too much text speak

Carrigart Exile · 22-03-2007 07:56AM

Slightly off topic and I do apologise but as a long suffering parent, welcome to 'pester power' which I am sure you used on your own parents, we all did, ain't payback a pig:D

I agree with the other posters, don't let little sis dump this responsibility on you. Tell her if your parents agree she can have them over otherwise its one or two very close friends. Drunken people do not always respect for your property the way they should

StormWarrior · 22-03-2007 08:01AM

10 friends? I think that is COMPLETELY unreasonable, especially considering the state she got into last time. If it was me, I would let her have just one.

StormWarrior · 22-03-2007 08:02AM

sigh....... wrote:

I know I'm not going to be able to stop this from happening,

Whyever not???? Just don't allow the kids in your house! If necessary threaten to tell your parents or even call the police! There is no way I would allow such nonsense to carry on in my house.

spurious · 22-03-2007 08:57AM

You can always get a neighbour in to help you root them out.

The Sweeper · 22-03-2007 09:42AM

If I was your parents and something happened, I'd string you up for

a) not telling me my youngest was a teenaged drunken brat
b) negotiating with my youngest in MY HOUSE over how many people she can have around
c) betraying the trust I placed in you to keep the place safe

And I'd probably be seriously revising my opinion of how adult you were yourself.

Don't let your sister do anything she wouldn't do if your parents were home, full stop.

Cleavage1970 · 22-03-2007 09:58AM

Very well put jackdaniels...........couldn't agree more. Besides, should anything happen that shouldn't happen, I'd be afraid the sister would put the blame back on OP by saying that he said it was ok to have X amount of her friends in the house.

tbh · 22-03-2007 10:10AM

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

And I'd probably be seriously revising my opinion of how adult you were yourself.

the op knows that she can't handle the situation by herself, and is asking others for help. More adult than most, if you ask me.

OP, I think what you need to do is make sure your sister knows how you feel about the situation and she knows exactly what you'll do if push comes to shove. You need to be careful about making empty promises. So - what I would do:

1. Sit your sister down and tell her calmly that while your parents are away, you are responsible for what happens in the house.

2. Tell her you are not prepared to get into trouble for the sake of some 15 year old you don't even know, so if your sis keeps pestering you, you'll tell your parents what's happening, and ask them not to go away. If she brings them into the house, you'll phone your parents and ask them to come home.

Make sure you tell her all this in a calm "if you do this, know that this will happen" way, not in an "oh my God I swear you are dead if you do this" way.
You could maybe compromise - let her have one or two friends over, and NO drinking - but make your mind up and stick to it.

You are still quite young yourself, and without wanting to sound patronising, you don't really have the skills to cope with this yet. If you feel like your sister is going to do it anyway, tell your folks.

Beruthiel · 22-03-2007 10:13AM

sigh.......
I have to agree with majd.
As a parent myself, if I put my trust in my daughter and she breaks it, then she would have to do an awful lot to regain that trust once lost, I've told her as much.
Your little sis is acting like a little child, go to your parents and explain the situation, ask their advice.
Don't feel like you are telling tales. Your sis has put you in this position and she has no one to blame but herself, if she had behaved in the first place then you'd never have had to go to your parents.

tbh · 22-03-2007 10:17AM

hang on tho - it's not like the OP has had a party him/herself - she knows what she has to do, she just doesn't know how to do it - I blame the parents myself

Petey2006 · 22-03-2007 10:22AM

OP, you really need to put the foot down and make sure it stays down. You offered your sister a reasonable alternative, yet she continues to push her luck. Tell her no means no. If she ignores you and goes ahead with her own plans anyway, chuck her friends out. By giving in the first time, your sister has taken it that you're a pushover and while she did ask your permission, I think it was merely a formality to her. You need to take back control of the situation. It's all well and good to be a nice person, but nice people tend to get walked all over if they give in too much.

If all else fails, tell your parents. It's their house after all, and your sister is abusing it's privileges.

22-03-2007 10:34AM

The time to put your foot down is NOW. You don't want her thinking that she's getting anywhere by pestering her.

A few thoughts after reading your opening post-

It's illegal to ply kids with drink or allow them to drink under your supervision.

What if one of them gets very drunk and ends up in hospital? Let's just say a 14 year old girl gets her stomach pumped after a night of drinking in your house when you were meant to be supervising. Who'll ultimately be blamed? You!

Another thing- I don't know if you're male or female. I don't have kids but, if I did, and found out that my 14 year old daughter got drunk in a house surpervised by an 18 year old boy, I'd be livid. Of course, you might be a girl which would negate my last point.

seamus · 22-03-2007 10:34AM

10 is far too many. Your compromise is reasonable (even if she doesn't think so), but you should definitely keep your parents in on the matter.

I'm pretty sure that my brothers never told my parents that I had my friends over when I was 15/16, but then again I never asked if they could come over, I just brought them over.

Perhaps it would be an idea to get a couple of your mates over that night too, grab a few pizzas, a few beers and a DVD. Your existence in the house will dampen any madness they had planned, and you'd be on hand when the inevitable teenage stupidness happens. You'd also have backup when your sisters mates decide to try bring some drunken males in too.

Cancer-chick · 22-03-2007 11:17AM

If i had a son or daughter like you i would be very happy !

You have the sense to realise that its a bad idea and like all else here i would advise that you speak to your parents and let them deal with it..
What you dont want is a situation where one of the friends arrives with pills or something (and it could well happen) and ends up unconscious or worse ..

14/15 is too young to be pi**** i dont care if we do live in a society where booze is happily accepted. I drink myself and enjoy it but if i was the parent of a girl who was getting drunk in your house and she od'd or worse .. I know who id be after..

Not your problem..Talk to parents asap.

PeakOutput · 22-03-2007 12:53PM

maybe ten was a bit high but i still reckon 5 with NO drink will be ok as a tester but still let your parents know what your "offering" her dont mean let her have 5/10 behind their back.

i think it would pretty easy to make sure 5 are not drinking in the house at least

OldmanMondeo · 22-03-2007 01:05PM

It is not your house, it is your parents. They have worked hard to make a home for their family.
If you wanted to have a few friends over for a drink etc, you would ask you parents first.
Tell you sister to ask your parents and that in no way will anyone be allowed in the house unless your parents say otherwise.
If I were you I would explain to your folks what your sister is asking and tell them that you don't want any of her friends 'cause you don't fancy babysitting her and her mates.
Your folks are not dumb and they will know exactly what your sister wants to do and will either bring her with them or tell her no way.

limklad · 22-03-2007 03:51PM

First of all, In this day of age for parents to think that their little innocent darling (especially teenagers) to behave :eek: when there are out, (They the parents) are insane!!

For parents I will tell you welcome to the 21th century. What would you do in her (the pestering sister) position?

All this talk about trusting a young teenager!! She is still a child trying to behave like one of the gang. She is trying to increase her status in the gang by been able to start a party at her (In her opinion) house. To be the rebel behind her parents back increases her status. She has the perfect scape goat (Elderly sibling) to take or share responsibility for her misdeeds.
I trust teenagers to break rules and misbehave, when their parents are too strict and angry and mad over the slightest thing and closed or narrow minded. These teenagers see that parents are not truly close to their kids and they know that parents trust in them, always go out the window so often, that they know this from previous experience. It not going to change things in their eyes.

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

Don't let your sister do anything she wouldn't do if your parents were home, full stop.

I laugh out loud when I saw this especially the "full stop" part. If that ever did this (misbehave), they will be punished. You punished them before and they still want to misbehave. Did the punishment work? My answer is clearly NO. They are disrespect you because you did it (disrespect) to them so many times before. The “full stop” is a sign of emotional immaturity oon your (parent) and teenagers (these days) see through this as a sign of weakness. Been aggressive does not help either. (another sign of immaturity) It only serves to push her away and forces her underground.

They (The teenagers) are not going to talk to you about everything they are doing because you been to closed minded to their way of life. Yes they will make mistakes. Hey, we all made mistakes, and learnt from them. Parents need to be emotionally mature and to have understanding to be able to deal with teenagers especially the pestering (crying, innocent, etc) ones.
For parents reading this i hope you have all been watching the programme on RTE "Families in Trouble". Just to see the reaction of the misbehave parents when they relies how much trouble they (especially mothers) caused and in making a bad situation worst. It like creating a massive storm out of a tea cup.

OP, You are 18 and just started Adult hood. Sit you sister down and tell her because she betrayed your trust before in this matter, you cannot allow her to have friends over, unless your parents allow this first. This will force her to talk to the parents. Or else, you will have to take responsibility for her misdeeds, and if your parents will end up punishing you for agreeing for her friends to call over. It will shows immaturity on their part and scape goating all the blame on you. They should have seen this coming. This does not mean you can escape from your newly found responsibilities.
Stick to the terms of the agreement that her parents made. If she has made an agreement with the parents, then, asks the parents there and then with your sister present about the terms of the agreement and stick to it.

Taking responsibility is a huge burden on young shoulders, if you are not used to it and it takes courage to do so and accept the consequences of it.

Amazingly many adults in today world, (even in retirement age) still act like selfish children, because they were allowed to get away with it. Other people caved in quickly or over time.

Every time your sister uses the "pleeeeeaaaasse!" or any other childhood act, tell her that you will give her a sweet (have one ready) for her to be good (Speak to her like if she is a young 4 year old selfish child and be mature about it). Tell her if continue the act like a child, that you will tell the parents that she loves to act like a four year old child. You need to laugh at this and tell her, “I though you wanted to be a grown up!”

If she threatens to tell your parents about your past deeds, tell her to tell them. It scary I know and you been through this before. When she does, admit them like an emotionally mature adult would. When they have dealt that matter with you, you can then tell (not in a tell tales childish manner, as one adult to another) your parents the reason (blackmail) that your sister is telling tales. If they (the Parents) are mature, they will see through her blackmail and punish her for it and see you are more trusting and has grown up quicker than they relies.

By admitting to your parents your misdeeds, you are clearing the air and your sister has no weapons of mass destructions on you. Coming clean is showing maturity on your part. Remember you will be leaving the nest and by doing so by cleaning the air helps to give you a great start (No heavy weights on your shoulders) even though your parents may mistrusts you, that their choice. It up to them (parents) to heal the rift with you or they will lose you by their actions.

Good luck and welcome to world of adulthood.

PeakOutput · 22-03-2007 04:06PM

limklad wrote:

By admitting to your parents your missdeeds, you are clearing the air and your sister has no weapons of mass destructions on you. Coming clean is showing maturity on your part.

there is so much i disagree with in what he said but i cant stress this enough my parents know practically evrerything that iv done in the past good and bad not because they have caught me or whatever but coz when they ask me the next day or week or year have you done this or that i just tell them the truth

if they see that you have actually experienced good and bad things in life and have come out no worse for wear at the end of it they are more likely to trust your judgement at the end of the day about more things.

limklad · 22-03-2007 04:36PM

PeakOutput wrote:

there is so much i disagree with in what he said but i cant stress this enough my parents know practically evrerything that iv done in the past good and bad not because they have caught me or whatever but coz when they ask me the next day or week or year have you done this or that i just tell them the truth

if they see that you have actually experienced good and bad things in life and have come out no worse for wear at the end of it they are more likely to trust your judgement at the end of the day about more things.

Some parents are better than others in finding out what their kids are doing.
I hid many things from my parents due to their immature behavior. My grandparent knew more about my life than my parents did. I got punished for every little things, whenever I did not do or think about. I did not and still do not trust them because they are still telling lies. I am now in my thirties. They are dishonest, and my mother behaves like a childish immature brat when dishing out punishment which was very confusing when I was a small child.
My mother never believes me when I tell her the truth but believe the lies of others instead. Eventually with her bullying, I had to cave in and agree to her lies. This was very confusing for me as a small child and then when she say later “you are always telling lies to me” which was the truth because I was force into it. It was my grandparents who help me to see the wrong in it.

Well done to you for your honesty and hug your parents for their maturity.;)

limklad · 22-03-2007 05:06PM

00112984 wrote:

The time to put your foot down is NOW. You don't want her thinking that she's getting anywhere by pestering her.

A few thoughts after reading your opening post-

It's illegal to ply kids with drink or allow them to drink under your supervision.

OP already knows this! If I can shout at you I would. Stop lecturing him or her about it. And highlighting the word “NOW” is showing your immaturity with dealing with these matters.
S/He (The OP) is not that stupid!

00112984 wrote:

What if one of them gets very drunk and ends up in hospital? Let's just say a 14 year old girl gets her stomach pumped after a night of drinking in your house when you were meant to be supervising. Who'll ultimately be blamed? You!.

S/he came here to ask for help, because s/he knows these things can happen!

00112984 wrote:

Another thing- I don't know if you're male or female. I don't have kids but, if I did, and found out that my 14 year old daughter got drunk in a house surpervised by an 18 year old boy, I'd be livid. Of course, you might be a girl which would negate my last point.

You are racist here against males. :mad: also you let your 14 year old daughter out to unsupervised parties, and you did not check if it was properly supervised!! What if she got pregnant or worst died of an overdose or an accident!!
I know many females who are far FAR worst than males and act all innocent in front of their parents eyes.

You did not help OP here but instead driving her/him insane with hot tempered lectures about facts that OP already knows. Why do you think s/he came here for? However, you did showed your true self. Reread what you wrote and see the programme "Families in trouble" if you do not see any problems with it.
I can definitely guess with 1000% you will be having problems with your kids or they are hiding their true feelings from you. There is a huge distance emotionally between you and them.
I can see it now, that your kids be screwed up with emotional trauma well into their adulthood! Going to counseling sessions and you blame it on them as if it was all their fault! It a good thing that you do not have kids, at least now you can change your attidude and get some understanding of them.

I agree with Cancer-chick approval of OP behavior, I would rather have OP as a Son or Daughter that have YOU in charge of any children. because s/he showed more maturity in looking for sensible advice from every part of society. Even if s/he does not follow mine, that is ok too, because s/he is taking advise to fit her situation.

I probably get ban for my comments, But it well worth it for your attitude you took. I am a firm believer of people looking for help/advise rather than shutting or chopping their head off as you done in your post.

Beruthiel · 22-03-2007 05:16PM

limklad wrote:

OP already knows this! If I can shout at you I would. Stop lecturing him or her about it. And highlighting the word “NOW” is showing your immaturity with dealing with these matters.
S/He (The OP) is not that stupid!.

limklad
Would you kindly leave the moderating to the moderators.
I won't tolerate your interference.
B

TheVan · 22-03-2007 05:58PM

Just keep saying no.

There's no way you can trust her to have a few friends over for a video or anything considering what happened last time?

Siblings always try to pull this stuff, knowing that in the end, the person who the parents will give out to the most is the person in charge for letting this happen.

It will just be "sure do you blame her for wanting to have her friends over....you were meant to stop stuff like this".

Just refuse point blank. If she then breaks the rules tell your parents. Its the only way. Otherwise you'll never be able to control what happens when you are in charge.

Nightwish · 22-03-2007 06:46PM

My little sister was exactly like yours, when she was 15. I had the same problem as you. What I said was that she could have one friend over, and that was it. I kicked out anyone else she snuck in. I didnt care how much she whined and moaned. She ended up robbing vodka from my parents and getting hammered and puking all over her room. Anyway I had enough, any other times following that night I refused to "mind" her. I just told my parents, I can be in the house, but I cannot stop her from drinking etc. I could try plead, beg, shout etc with her but I knew in the end she would do what she wanted to do. I went and stayed with my grandmother any other weekends my parents, and my sister was put with an aunt, and she snuck out of my aunts house in the middle of the night and threw a party in our house, where the Guards were eventually called over the noise. So that just showed me I was right in refusing to be responsible for her. Thankfully now she is a sensible 20 year old!

LegacyUser · 22-03-2007 07:59PM

'Thanks for all the replies guys.

Couple of things I want to clarify:
-I'm male.
-I don't want this to happen, I don't need to be told to put my foot down or told all the possible consequences of letting it happen, I want to know how to stop it...
-I don't like the fact my sister drinks. I've tried to dissuade her and it hasn't worked, but I don't want to tell my parents because she'd hate me for it, and I know a lecture from my parents wouldn't stop her anyway. Although I had decided myself that I'd tell them if it got to the stage where her attitude towards them got worse or drinking was affecting her badly. Perhaps now is that time....
-If I did let some friends over it wouldn't be drinking in the house I'd be worried about, it'd be arriving home late(-ish) from some sort of knacker drinking session already drunk that I'd be concerned about.
-It's hard to kick a load of 15 year old girls out of the house if they all just arrive at 11/12 expecting to stay the night - they'd have nowhere to go. ie. basically if it gets that far I can't stop it(although I've decided to definitely tell my parents if that happens).

@limklad
Your posts, while a little OTT, were very helpful and insightful, thank you.'

cork1 · 23-03-2007 12:19AM

let it go ahead but make a video of and threaten to tell your parents.youll have your sister cleaning the house and serving you food and drink while you sit in front of the tv.when your parents come home destroy the tape or keep it for further blackmail.she will never invite friends over again.

WindSock · 23-03-2007 12:53AM

She was testing the water by requesting 10. She may have expected a haggle. Would you compromise at 5 maximum? Also if she is going to be drinkin anyway ( and she will, no matter what you say) Maybe have some of your friends come over to and act as 'police' when you see that they have had enough, (probably 2 cans/bottles) take it the rest from them, kick them off to bed or to giggle or whatever and finish the drinks off yourselves.

LegacyUser · 23-03-2007 01:12AM

5 to stay the night? No chance. I've said 2 max. You may have misunderstood. She wants 10 friends over that night with 5/6 actually staying the night. 10 is kinda pushing it, but I wouldn't mind if she had 4/5 friends over and 2 staying the night.

I won't be able to regulate drinks since the way they drink means they basically mix like half a naggin to a naggin of vodka with something and knock it back. I don't think they're gonna drink in the house anyway, they're most likely gonna go off knacker drinking somewhere and come back, but I could be wrong.

I think I might have some(2/3) friends over that night, not to stay, just to watch a movie or whatever. And I'll keep an eye on her and her friends. If more than 2 stay I'll tell my parents when they get back and let them deal with it.

LegacyUser · 23-03-2007 01:15AM

If I were you I'd tell my sister to **** off!

PeakOutput · 23-03-2007 01:36AM

boreds wrote:

She was testing the water by requesting 10. She may have expected a haggle. Would you compromise at 5 maximum? Also if she is going to be drinkin anyway ( and she will, no matter what you say) Maybe have some of your friends come over to and act as 'police' when you see that they have had enough, (probably 2 cans/bottles) take it the rest from them, kick them off to bed or to giggle or whatever and finish the drinks off yourselves.

that is a great idea but only if there are maybe 2/3 friends you wont be able to control anymore..........also they will probably see your mates "drinking responsibly" and therefore are less likely to want to get locked around them as that would seem immature

youll know yourself if this will work with your sister i know it would work with mine without being big headed they do their best to impress me and stuff even thought they are a teenagers so if they thought id be disgusted to see them locked nd falling over they would not do it (at least in front of me)

Parents going away and sis wants a load of friends over, I'm "in charge"...

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