I'm so hurt!

tbh · 20-03-2007 01:37PM

Mrs_Doyle wrote:

.
By getting back with him you are rewarding his suicide attempt with positive attention.
.

isn't that what going to see him is doing? If a guy is that fragile that he tries to commit suicide based on a row, isn't there every chance that he'll take you coming to see him as a sign that you still love him?

Mrs_Doyle · 20-03-2007 01:42PM

tbh wrote:

isn't that what going to see him is doing? If a guy is that fragile that he tries to commit suicide based on a row, isn't there every chance that he'll take you coming to see him as a sign that you still love him?

I see where your coming from. I think I'd go see him just to let him know that although I didn't hate him, us getting back together was just not going to happen.
I would do it face to face, to make sure there was no room for confusion or crossed wires. I would then make my goodbyes and leave.

Crea · 20-03-2007 01:59PM

At least you know that you were right. It's a good thing you've now realised what he's really like.
It'll hurt for a while but better to be without him than with.

Trinity · 20-03-2007 02:02PM

I'm gonna sound really harsh but ffs what a twat.

If he wanted to be dead he would be dead, and i'm really sorry to offend anyone here.

Have been in a (nearly) similar position and all i can say is he is not your responsibility.

He is twisting it as i said he would but my god he went one better. The emphasis is now taken from him and his guilt and been placed right smack onto you.

He is manipulating you like he most likely has done for the last 2 years. Whether you go see him is up to you but if you do go, but be hard as fcuking nails.

He knew he was in the **** and this is the best he could come up with to get out of trouble??

I know i will get lashed for that reply but sorry i feel strongly about this.

Caliden · 20-03-2007 02:05PM

dont let hi mguild trip you into taking him back.
He's a cheat and a liar and is trying to manipulate you into taking him back.
You handled the whole situation well and have made your point clear. Visit him sure but assure him that no matter what he does, it won't change the fact that you're over him.
Best of luck

Kell · 20-03-2007 02:40PM

ijustwannabe wrote:

I dont know what to do!'

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. To speak to him, contact him in any way is to poke yourself in the eye with the proverbial fork.

Question- why on earth stay in a relationship where its on off on off ad nauseum. Thats just bollíx and fit for teenagers. By your twenties you are supposed to have figured out what you want and what you wont settle for.

K-

Linoge · 20-03-2007 03:02PM

Trinity1 wrote:

I'm gonna sound really harsh but ffs what a twat.

If he wanted to be dead he would be dead, and i'm really sorry to offend anyone here.

I totally agree.

As well as that, you broke up a few days ago, told him to get lost a couple of times and he turns suicidal? And who has forgotten that he was the one who cheated on YOU.

And the mother asking you to go and see him before you go to work?? He's in hospital and safe now, why the rush? I would have imagined that his own mother would be worried enough about his attempt at his own life without trying to sort out his love life for him while he's laid up in hospital within what must have been hours of the event....

And really, what kind of person gives all that info in a voice message. Most would just say "can you ring me, everything is ok but its important" - or maybe thats just me

WindSock · 20-03-2007 03:07PM

Do not let yourself get emotionally blackmailed. This sort of behaviour is unaccepatable and extremely selfish. Feel sorry for him if you like, but not to the point where you feel you should get back with him for his health. Don't let his Mother blame you either. If you have a good relationship with her, then maybe it is best to call around to her for a chat and let her know whats being happening.

limklad · 20-03-2007 03:59PM

OP. I attempt suicide when I was very young so I do know certain facts about it.
My advice is:
You got to remain focus. He cannot let him control you. It is his choice to take an over-dose, not yours. You did not force him to take it. The over-dose is a cowardly way out or it can be used to manipulate others. He made his bad choices and he has to take responsibility for them. If he uses threats like this in the future, inform his mother so she can get him help and have her phone number handy. Do not let her manipulate you or allow her to get to you. You are not to blame here. If you were her daughter and your boyfriend made an attempt. Can you think what she will say, quite the opposite. His mother has only one objective in mind which is to keep her son alive, and depends on her personality she will blame anyone for his actions at this point. He has shown his immaturity.
Under no circumstance you get back with him, or help him directly unless advise by the psychologist, and if the psychologist ask you to get back together or hint it, then get a second opinion, independent of the first.
Right now, He abused you and you cannot get back together until he gets his act together and takes responsibility for his actions. But this will be many-many years down the road, and that if you still want to as you. He needs to mature emotionality and you are the wrong person to do this, even if you love him.
You are the wrong person to help him through this. They are train personnel for this.

You can live your life guilt free as you did not force him to do what he did. You are not responsible for this, he is…

Talliesin · 20-03-2007 04:00PM

ijustwannabe wrote:

I have been with a guy for nearly 2 years-we were on and off a lot cos he kept lying to me about stupid little things and id get thick and we would break up.

Okay. Let's, for the sake of argument, give him the benefit of the doubt in everything about the other nights' events.

Let's assume that he was honest about the woman pursuing him and being rejected by him. Let's assume that the message you saw was merely a ploy by her and his reaction to that was because the ploy had worked and left him with something he couldn't explain, even though he was completely innocent. Let's assume that his meeting her after you dumped him was indeed an act of desperation by someone feeling they might as well be take what little advantage they could out of this woman's attraction to him and he had indeed never actually been unfaithful.

Even with all of these assumptions in his favour, you are dealing with someone who lies "about stupid little things". If he's lying to you about things which aren't actually important he thinks you mistrust him to a degree that is dysfunctional. Whether he thinks this because he is often doing something he shouldn't or thinks this because you have suspected him when you had no reason to, or he just thinks keeping ones partner in the dark about things is a good idea for some reason best known to himself, the fact is that he is working on an ongoing assumption of mistrust.

From that ongoing assumption of mistrust he is acting in such a way as to "manage" what you think about him.

Now, we always manage people's expectations of us in various ways. The healthy way to do that is to put a private emphasis on those aspects of ourselves that we think will be appreciated. It's not underhand to give more voice to a part of oneself that likes buying ones partner flowers and to work against a part of oneself that tends to procrastinate when things need to be done. It is underhand to move that emphasis by lying.

If he was using underhand behaviour to manage you, then it just wasn't going to work. And that's before we consider the fact that we've only given him the benefit of the doubt on several different points here and the chances are that his version of events is not entirely accurate.

ijustwannabe wrote:

It was his mother saying he took an overdose last night and he was in hospital.She asked me to come see him this morning before i go to work

If someone is genuinely suicidal then they need and deserve help but it doesn't have to be you that gives it to them.

More to the point. If this is a genuine act of desperation from a suicidal person, are you going to clarify or complicate matters by moving into a vaguely defined farcical pseudo-relationship because you're worried about what he might do?

If it isn't genuine depression, well if someone is using violence to manipulate the dynamic of a relationship then the other person should avoid them at all costs, even if the violence is self-inflicted upon himself.

biko · 20-03-2007 04:54PM

Don't get sucked in by "Look what you made me do" arguments!
You didn't make anyone do anything, he did it all himself.

Having said that I hope he'll get back on his feet and all.

limklad · 20-03-2007 05:03PM

biko wrote:

Don't get sucked in by "Look what you made me do" arguments!
You didn't make anyone do anything, he did it all himself.

A few women i know use this as an excuse, to justify their continuing abuse. He or his mother may use it.

~nop~ · 20-03-2007 06:29PM

ijustwannabe wrote:

(my batt was dead)

~

i said "Give me that phone i want to see that message again" and he screamed "No way if you dont believe me then get the **** out of my car"

~

I was in shock cos he NEVER yells at me- and I sat there stunned..... and he said "I said get out if your gonna accuse me of cheating" So i got out and he drove off- and i got physcially sick right there in the car park from utter shock.

In my opinion the fact that your battery was dead, your friends had left and he drove off on you leaving you on your own would of sealed the deal for me, even forgetting all the other ****e he put you through.

He may love you but youre definatly better off without it, as many other posters have told you.

It's a hard thing you're going through, and I totally emphasise. However as regards visiting him, I wouldn't. It will reinforce the connection between you guys for him as much as you. You have faced the inital shock, and it sounds like the overdose was his way of dealing with it. It's only when he is finally stable in his emotions again that you're going to be able to talk again, in my opinion anyway, and just as you wouldn't use him to get over your break up, he can't use you to get over his overdose as it came as a direct result of the break up, though you were NOT in the wrong.

I feel for you, I really do. You sound lovely and I hope you come out of this only for the better. My complete sympathies are with you, its an awful situation to be in.

the_syco · 22-03-2007 12:50AM

You visit him in the hostipal, you'll be visiting his funeral.

I say this, cos if you visit him in the hostipal, he'll see a way of getting you to come, so next time when you leave, he'll overdose again, but next time he may not be so lucky.

22-03-2007 10:07AM

ijustwannabe wrote:

"Ya but tell the GF you cant see her and ill come up and stay in ur place- and i promise you this time will be better than last week xxx"

Which could mean that she didn't get to stay with your BF last week but called over and he engineered a situation whereby he got rid of her.
This other girl could be deluded.

I'll be frank I've got texts similar to that one and it's been from pushy wannabe's that I've decided not to do anything with ie stalkers.

As for your BF's reaction-I might have more patience perhaps if I was going out with you but FFS what do you expect a boy to do if you are screaming infidelity at him etc Whats he supposed to think? How long is his fuse supposed to be.

Nobody in their right mind wants to be strangled in a relationship.
You've quite a bit of repairing to do if I'm right-thats if your man isn't fed up of this lark by now.

That was my instinctive reaction to your first post-then I read your next one.

ijustwannabe wrote:

'i was watching telly last night and he text me. This is the message

Him "I love u"
me "I asked you not to contact me"
Him "Look i swear i never touched her"
Me "Are you thick or something i saw you in town with her"
Him "I only went near her after u dumped me-I was depressed-I still am-Its so over with her i love you- your my world and id die for you- you know i would"
Me "Get lost"
Him "Please"
Me" LEAVE ME ALONE"

I turned off my phone then and when i turned it back on this morning id a few voice messages-It was his mother saying he took an overdose last night and he was in hospital.She asked me to come see him this morning before i go to work

I dont know what to do!'

Look.
Hormones are strange things.
2007 is a scarey place if things don't or aren't going right.
It sounds to me that your BF/ex BF is genuine enough and this tipped the balance resulting in the suicide attempt.

It's not easy to not flirt or meet someone who's pushy with you or stalking you(I'm referring to the Girl that texted your BF/EX BF) and You greyed the waters by breaking up with him and getting back to gether etc etc.
Go to him-talk face to face.BUT only if you want to (ignoring the effect this whole episode has on whether or not you want to-ask yourself is he the one for you and ask it leaving aside this episode)
None of this texting shoite.Thats half the 2007 problem,you can get 50 meanings from one text.

Incidently what Kell said , though brief is another way of looking at it.
But if you are going down that route , give it some thought first and weigh the whole lot up as much as you can.
At the end of the day it's a decision for you and do you like the lad enough to actually have a long talk about all this and resolve it.

I'm so hurt!

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