I'm so hurt!

LegacyUser

I have been with a guy for nearly 2 years-we were on and off a lot cos he kept lying to me about stupid little things and id get thick and we would break up.We got back a few months ago and things were brill we were getting on great.

Anyway last night(paddys night) i was in the pub with my mates and he called me and asked could he see me cos he missed me. So i met him in the car park and sat in his car and chatted. his phone beeped then and he said
"its for you" it was my mates lettn me know they were going to a diff pub(my batt was dead)

Now his phone is one of the ones where you see the whole message when it comes through. So just as i was about to hand him bk the phone it beeped and i looked down- and some "Alison" girl had text him saying"I miss ya sexy"

Now i freaked out and asked who she was and he said"Shes some girl who wants to sleep with me she wont leave me alone"- look at her other messages if you dont believe me" So i did they were all saying "call me etc" except for one that said "Ya but tell the GF you cant see her and ill come up and stay in ur place- and i promise you this time will be better than last week xxx" He had obviously forgotten to delete that one.

I felt sick and i read the message out to him expecting him to say she sent it by accident or something- but when i read it his face fell- he grabbed the phone off me and switched it off- i said "Give me that phone i want to see that message again" and he screamed "No way if you dont believe me then get the **** out of my car"

I was in shock cos he NEVER yells at me- and I sat there stunned..... and he said "I said get out if your gonna accuse me of cheating" So i got out and he drove off- and i got physcially sick right there in the car park from utter shock. I have been crying all night. I love him so much and I cant believe he did this to me!

I really thought he loved me!Im so hurt!

Carrigart Exile

That's tough. Two things either he is being completely honest with you or he was looking to break up with you. Now if he was looking to break up with you, why text you and ask you to meet him because he misses you. Why hand over the phone for you to look at.

rediguana

He's a cheat, of sorts.

Silverfish

Carrigart Exile wrote:

That's tough. Two things either he is being completely honest with you or he was looking to break up with you. Now if he was looking to break up with you, why text you and ask you to meet him because he misses you. Why hand over the phone for you to look at.

So that he would have an excuse to break up with her, I would say, and feel that he is in the right 'She accused me of cheating!!' - ignoring the fact that he quite clearly is.

If he wasn't cheating he would have been quite happy to explain the messages and talk about them to set her mind at ease - even though he should really have told her about it before - but the way he reacted is a clear sign of guilt, immediately shifting the focus onto her.


OP, this was only last night, so I would say see today if he contacts you to explain / apologise. If not, I would feel that after two years you are owed some sort of explanation.

rediguana

He was unlucky for the text to arrive at that time. It wasn't planned. He lost his usual cool.

Don't read too much into it, OP. Guys can compartmentalise so easily. I'm sure he really likes you, maybe even loves you. But it in no way means he couldn't go off with another girl. It doesn't have to be either or for (lots of) guys.

Get rid of him. You busted him. It's a good story.

Trinity

I'm sorry to hear that i know it must hurt a lot.

He reacted that way cos u caught him by the short and curlies. No doubt he will either twist it to be your fault or find an explanation when he has had time to think of one.

He sounds like a complete rat, he has been lying to you from the start according to yourself.

It'll hurt like hell for a while but honestly do you need this? You will never trust him again, let him go now.

Carrigart Exile

Silverfish wrote:

So that he would have an excuse to break up with her, I would say, and feel that he is in the right 'She accused me of cheating!!' - ignoring the fact that he quite clearly is.

If he wasn't cheating he would have been quite happy to explain the messages and talk about them to set her mind at ease - even though he should really have told her about it before - but the way he reacted is a clear sign of guilt, immediately shifting the focus onto her.


OP, this was only last night, so I would say see today if he contacts you to explain / apologise. If not, I would feel that after two years you are owed some sort of explanation.

You seem to know for certain he is cheating Also, to have firstly her phone not work, her friends have to call her on his phone and then rely on the OP going through his texts, seems a tad far fetched to me.

The way he reacted is not a clear sign of guilt, is the OP constantly questioning his every move, maybe's he's at the end of his tether with being constantly questioned.

passive

You seem to know for certain he is cheating Also, to have firstly her phone not work, her friends have to call her on his phone and then rely on the OP going through his texts, seems a tad far fetched to me.

The way he reacted is not a clear sign of guilt, is the OP constantly questioning his every move, maybe's he's at the end of his tether with being constantly questioned.

Well... yes, those are all possibilities. But maybe the OP is a sixteen foot gorilla and the "boyfriend" is a metaphor for a plane. Maybe she's really cheating on him and has twisted the story around in her favour. maybe... *continues in the same vein for a while*. Ahem; If we read into her post and make **** up we could probably come up with all kinds of interesting theories but.. well.. let's not be stupid unhelpful dickheads writing fiction and "completely ignoring the details presented to us" instead of handing out advice... 'Cos I would hate for any of us to come across like that .

The guy's an asshole who probably thought he had cleared the messages that incriminated himself, and thankfully was caught out and demonstrated his assholeishness afterwards. You're better off, move on, have a nice life. Sorry.

Silverfish

Carrigart Exile wrote:

You seem to know for certain he is cheating Also, to have firstly her phone not work, her friends have to call her on his phone and then rely on the OP going through his texts, seems a tad far fetched to me.

The way he reacted is not a clear sign of guilt, is the OP constantly questioning his every move, maybe's he's at the end of his tether with being constantly questioned.

We don't know she was constantly questioning him. We do know he met up with Alison last week at his place, and that this week was going to be better, and that she missed him and thought he was sexy.

So he's clearly up to no good, and any girlfriend is entitled to ask a few questions about that.

the_syco

ijustwannabe wrote:

I have been with a guy for nearly 2 years-we were on and off a lot cos he kept lying to me about stupid little things and id get thick and we would break up.We got back a few months ago and things were brill we were getting on great.

So you were on and off, and now you're back on...

ijustwannabe wrote:

he screamed "No way if you dont believe me then get the **** out of my car"

... and off.

ijustwannabe wrote:

I really thought he loved me!Im so hurt!

He seems the unfaithfull type, esp the on/off bit. He can't stick with you, but this time, two of his relationships overlapped. Just like some girls are hoe's, some men are bas*ards.

Carrigart Exile

passive wrote:

Well... yes, those are all possibilities. But maybe the OP is a sixteen foot gorilla and the "boyfriend" is a metaphor for a plane. Maybe she's really cheating on him and has twisted the story around in her favour. maybe... *continues in the same vein for a while*. Ahem; If we read into her post and make **** up we could probably come up with all kinds of interesting theories but.. well.. let's not be stupid unhelpful dickheads writing fiction and "completely ignoring the details presented to us" instead of handing out advice... 'Cos I would hate for any of us to come across like that .

Heaven forbid anyone would come across as a patronising know it all but know nothing on this board

Carrigart Exile

Silverfish wrote:

We don't know she was constantly questioning him. We do know he met up with Alison last week at his place, and that this week was going to be better, and that she missed him and thought he was sexy.

So he's clearly up to no good, and any girlfriend is entitled to ask a few questions about that.

That's the problem you don't, the text did not say that, you are filling in the blanks same as the OP. Look the guy might be a complete louse and if he is the OP is well shot of him, but I think we are all too quick on these boards to play the hardman/woman with other people's relationships. OP, you clearly love him, there are most certainly issues you need cleared and decisions you both have to make, I would advise you have a heart to heart first.

rediguana

Carrigart Exile wrote:

That's the problem you don't, the text did not say that, you are filling in the blanks same as the OP. Look the guy might be a complete louse and if he is the OP is well shot of him, but I think we are all too quick on these boards to play the hardman/woman with other people's relationships. OP, you clearly love him, there are most certainly issues you need cleared and decisions you both have to make, I would advise you have a heart to heart first.

He's a cheat. End it.

Wibbs

Carrigart Exile wrote:

That's the problem you don't, the text did not say that, you are filling in the blanks same as the OP. Look the guy might be a complete louse and if he is the OP is well shot of him, but I think we are all too quick on these boards to play the hardman/woman with other people's relationships. OP, you clearly love him, there are most certainly issues you need cleared and decisions you both have to make, I would advise you have a heart to heart first.

agree with this. While there is some good advice knocking around in this thread the fact is you and he have to talk about this. Try and cool off for a day or so. When you do talk try not to go into high pitched screaming accusations too quickly.

Caliden

Sounds like a complete asshole to lose it like that. As for the texts and people saying you're drawing conclusions.
You would have to be quite stupid to think nothing was going on with this other girl.
Get over him because he is clearly only looking for one thing from you and it's not a long term girlfriend or salvaging your relationship.

Silverfish

Carrigart Exile wrote:

That's the problem you don't, the text did not say that, you are filling in the blanks same as the OP.

It said it right here:

"Ya but tell the GF you cant see her and ill come up and stay in ur place- and i promise you this time will be better than last week xxx"

He needs to start explaining that one. I'm just saying that maybe there was nothing in it, however that coupled with his reaction of attacking his girlfriend.....well, it doesn't look good.

WindSock

Caught red willied by sounds of it. Also sounds like he's causing you more hurt than bliss. At this stage I would say cut him loose. He's been caught lying to you before, why give hime the benefit of the doubt this time, especially when things seem blindingly obvious. Don't fall for his bull**** again, you'd be wasting your time and if you do, how long is it again before you feel insecure. Not worth the hassle in the long run.

LegacyUser

'He contacted me yesterday and this was the conversation......

Him(1st text) "I donno what to say to you- im sorry"

Me "You cheated on me- so dont bother saying anything i know the truth now so just leave me alone"

Him "I will leave u alone only cos its what you want but i swear i never slept with her"

Me "Yes you did-I know by the way you reacted-Even If you havnt you have still done something with her and by that text it was obvious you were planning to"

Him "I love you"

Me "Look please just leave me alone ok-You have hurt me and I have been crying all night-You have done nothing but mess me around and I reget ever setting eyes on you-If you love me at all you will just leave me alone to get on with my life as I am sure you want to do too. Please dont contact me again just leave me alone please"

Him "OK-Im sorry and I wish you every happiness in the future"

I didnt answer that back-I still feel like crap and the worst thing was I saw him in town today with her- well i think it was her cos he was holding her hand.I just ignored him and walked past without a care in the world-though it kills me inside!'

WindSock

Perfect handling Missy. It's going to be a tough few weeks now, but you will be grand. Seeing them together must have been a kick in the guts, but at least it will help you know you made the right decision. Wash him out of your hair;)

LegacyUser

'you handled the situation really really well and seeing that he doesn;t mind walking around holding another girl's hand today should give you a clear indicator that there is no reason to miss him (of course you will but that will pass)....

well done!!!'

Wibbs

Yep well done. Now you know for sure. 24hrs after all of this and it looks like he's holding hands? You're well out of it.

legs11

OP, you need to ditch this dude pronto and move on with your life........
he is obviously using you and youre aware of that so just say au revoir and kick him into touch.

kaalgat

Yeah I agree. You're better off out of it. And well done for how you handled that conversation!

Best of luck! You will get over the hurt in time..

LegacyUser

'i was watching telly last night and he text me. This is the message

Him "I love u"
me "I asked you not to contact me"
Him "Look i swear i never touched her"
Me "Are you thick or something i saw you in town with her"
Him "I only went near her after u dumped me-I was depressed-I still am-Its so over with her i love you- your my world and id die for you- you know i would"
Me "Get lost"
Him "Please"
Me" LEAVE ME ALONE"

I turned off my phone then and when i turned it back on this morning id a few voice messages-It was his mother saying he took an overdose last night and he was in hospital.She asked me to come see him this morning before i go to work

I dont know what to do!'

rediguana

I guess go and see him. But it doesn't really change the fundamentals.

I hope he recovers.

Wibbs

ijustwannabe wrote:

Him "I only went near her after u dumped me-I was depressed-I still am-Its so over with her i love you-

That's possible. Stupid and more than naive, but possible.

your my world

This could be the truth as well.

and id die for you- you know i would"

This is where it strays into dodgy territory. "dying" for somebody isn't the trick, living for them is

I turned off my phone then and when i turned it back on this morning id a few voice messages-It was his mother saying he took an overdose last night and he was in hospital.She asked me to come see him this morning before i go to work

He's obviously broken up about this and regrets his actions(if any as he swears there was nothing going on til the handholding episode). His actions in response to this regret is worrying. I hope he's getting the professional help he does need right now.

I dont know what to do!'

Sadly, the only one that knows that is yourself. The best decisions are based on the best information. Lashing out the way he did is not the way to go. Similarly you lashing out because of (understandable) feelings of betrayal isn't the way to go either. I do think you both need to sit down and talk. He has to actually tell you the truth, warts and all about his feelings for you and what may have happened in the past that has brought things to this. You have to talk to him about your feelings of betrayal and hurt about this stuff. In short really talking to each other and maybe others close to the both of you is the only way to go.

If it was me? I'm a bit of a sucker so I'd probably go to see him. That's just me though.

biko

Go see him in hospital, it's the decent thing to do.

Do not get back with him. It is not your fault he overdosed, he did that to himself because HE lost you over cheating that HE did.

tbh

cruel to be kind here OP, don't go see him. What's the point? At best, it makes you feel guilty. At worst, it gives him false hope.

Wibbs

biko wrote:

Go see him in hospital, it's the decent thing to do.

Agreed.

Do not get back with him.

I can see why you may say that, but with respect, the OP is the only one who can make that decision based on all the facts. We simply don't know the facts of this. Even the OP only has a suspicion of previous infidelity.

It is not your fault he overdosed,

Agreed again. Not the OPs fault at all. The only one who made that decision was him.

he did that to himself because HE lost you over cheating that HE did.

Partially true. We(or the OP) don't know that he cheated before. The only thing we know about for sure is the post split handholding episode. That's it.

John Mason

well there you go, another life lesson learned. now just pick yourself up and get on with life

Mrs_Doyle

I would go see him but I definitely would not get back with him.
Not only is he a cheat, is is extremely unstable and you don't need that.
He cheated on you, you don't owe him anything.
By getting back with him you are rewarding his suicide attempt with positive attention.
I know that sound really harsh, but this guy needs to sort himself out, and you really don't need that kinda pressure.

Go see him, tell him you forgive him, that you could maybe even be friends, but you have moved on, the trust is gone, and are sure you don't want to be his girlfriend anymore.

tbh

Mrs_Doyle wrote:

.
By getting back with him you are rewarding his suicide attempt with positive attention.
.

isn't that what going to see him is doing? If a guy is that fragile that he tries to commit suicide based on a row, isn't there every chance that he'll take you coming to see him as a sign that you still love him?

Mrs_Doyle

tbh wrote:

isn't that what going to see him is doing? If a guy is that fragile that he tries to commit suicide based on a row, isn't there every chance that he'll take you coming to see him as a sign that you still love him?

I see where your coming from. I think I'd go see him just to let him know that although I didn't hate him, us getting back together was just not going to happen.
I would do it face to face, to make sure there was no room for confusion or crossed wires. I would then make my goodbyes and leave.

Crea

At least you know that you were right. It's a good thing you've now realised what he's really like.
It'll hurt for a while but better to be without him than with.

Trinity

I'm gonna sound really harsh but ffs what a twat.

If he wanted to be dead he would be dead, and i'm really sorry to offend anyone here.

Have been in a (nearly) similar position and all i can say is he is not your responsibility.

He is twisting it as i said he would but my god he went one better. The emphasis is now taken from him and his guilt and been placed right smack onto you.

He is manipulating you like he most likely has done for the last 2 years. Whether you go see him is up to you but if you do go, but be hard as fcuking nails.

He knew he was in the **** and this is the best he could come up with to get out of trouble??

I know i will get lashed for that reply but sorry i feel strongly about this.

Caliden

dont let hi mguild trip you into taking him back.
He's a cheat and a liar and is trying to manipulate you into taking him back.
You handled the whole situation well and have made your point clear. Visit him sure but assure him that no matter what he does, it won't change the fact that you're over him.
Best of luck

Kell

ijustwannabe wrote:

I dont know what to do!'

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. To speak to him, contact him in any way is to poke yourself in the eye with the proverbial fork.

Question- why on earth stay in a relationship where its on off on off ad nauseum. Thats just bollíx and fit for teenagers. By your twenties you are supposed to have figured out what you want and what you wont settle for.

K-

Linoge

Trinity1 wrote:

I'm gonna sound really harsh but ffs what a twat.

If he wanted to be dead he would be dead, and i'm really sorry to offend anyone here.

I totally agree.

As well as that, you broke up a few days ago, told him to get lost a couple of times and he turns suicidal? And who has forgotten that he was the one who cheated on YOU.

And the mother asking you to go and see him before you go to work?? He's in hospital and safe now, why the rush? I would have imagined that his own mother would be worried enough about his attempt at his own life without trying to sort out his love life for him while he's laid up in hospital within what must have been hours of the event....

And really, what kind of person gives all that info in a voice message. Most would just say "can you ring me, everything is ok but its important" - or maybe thats just me

WindSock

Do not let yourself get emotionally blackmailed. This sort of behaviour is unaccepatable and extremely selfish. Feel sorry for him if you like, but not to the point where you feel you should get back with him for his health. Don't let his Mother blame you either. If you have a good relationship with her, then maybe it is best to call around to her for a chat and let her know whats being happening.

limklad

OP. I attempt suicide when I was very young so I do know certain facts about it.
My advice is:
You got to remain focus. He cannot let him control you. It is his choice to take an over-dose, not yours. You did not force him to take it. The over-dose is a cowardly way out or it can be used to manipulate others. He made his bad choices and he has to take responsibility for them. If he uses threats like this in the future, inform his mother so she can get him help and have her phone number handy. Do not let her manipulate you or allow her to get to you. You are not to blame here. If you were her daughter and your boyfriend made an attempt. Can you think what she will say, quite the opposite. His mother has only one objective in mind which is to keep her son alive, and depends on her personality she will blame anyone for his actions at this point. He has shown his immaturity.
Under no circumstance you get back with him, or help him directly unless advise by the psychologist, and if the psychologist ask you to get back together or hint it, then get a second opinion, independent of the first.
Right now, He abused you and you cannot get back together until he gets his act together and takes responsibility for his actions. But this will be many-many years down the road, and that if you still want to as you. He needs to mature emotionality and you are the wrong person to do this, even if you love him.
You are the wrong person to help him through this. They are train personnel for this.

You can live your life guilt free as you did not force him to do what he did. You are not responsible for this, he is…

Talliesin

ijustwannabe wrote:

I have been with a guy for nearly 2 years-we were on and off a lot cos he kept lying to me about stupid little things and id get thick and we would break up.

Okay. Let's, for the sake of argument, give him the benefit of the doubt in everything about the other nights' events.

Let's assume that he was honest about the woman pursuing him and being rejected by him. Let's assume that the message you saw was merely a ploy by her and his reaction to that was because the ploy had worked and left him with something he couldn't explain, even though he was completely innocent. Let's assume that his meeting her after you dumped him was indeed an act of desperation by someone feeling they might as well be take what little advantage they could out of this woman's attraction to him and he had indeed never actually been unfaithful.

Even with all of these assumptions in his favour, you are dealing with someone who lies "about stupid little things". If he's lying to you about things which aren't actually important he thinks you mistrust him to a degree that is dysfunctional. Whether he thinks this because he is often doing something he shouldn't or thinks this because you have suspected him when you had no reason to, or he just thinks keeping ones partner in the dark about things is a good idea for some reason best known to himself, the fact is that he is working on an ongoing assumption of mistrust.

From that ongoing assumption of mistrust he is acting in such a way as to "manage" what you think about him.

Now, we always manage people's expectations of us in various ways. The healthy way to do that is to put a private emphasis on those aspects of ourselves that we think will be appreciated. It's not underhand to give more voice to a part of oneself that likes buying ones partner flowers and to work against a part of oneself that tends to procrastinate when things need to be done. It is underhand to move that emphasis by lying.

If he was using underhand behaviour to manage you, then it just wasn't going to work. And that's before we consider the fact that we've only given him the benefit of the doubt on several different points here and the chances are that his version of events is not entirely accurate.

ijustwannabe wrote:

It was his mother saying he took an overdose last night and he was in hospital.She asked me to come see him this morning before i go to work

If someone is genuinely suicidal then they need and deserve help but it doesn't have to be you that gives it to them.

More to the point. If this is a genuine act of desperation from a suicidal person, are you going to clarify or complicate matters by moving into a vaguely defined farcical pseudo-relationship because you're worried about what he might do?

If it isn't genuine depression, well if someone is using violence to manipulate the dynamic of a relationship then the other person should avoid them at all costs, even if the violence is self-inflicted upon himself.

biko

Don't get sucked in by "Look what you made me do" arguments!
You didn't make anyone do anything, he did it all himself.

Having said that I hope he'll get back on his feet and all.

limklad

biko wrote:

Don't get sucked in by "Look what you made me do" arguments!
You didn't make anyone do anything, he did it all himself.

A few women i know use this as an excuse, to justify their continuing abuse. He or his mother may use it.

~nop~

ijustwannabe wrote:

(my batt was dead)

~

i said "Give me that phone i want to see that message again" and he screamed "No way if you dont believe me then get the **** out of my car"

~

I was in shock cos he NEVER yells at me- and I sat there stunned..... and he said "I said get out if your gonna accuse me of cheating" So i got out and he drove off- and i got physcially sick right there in the car park from utter shock.

In my opinion the fact that your battery was dead, your friends had left and he drove off on you leaving you on your own would of sealed the deal for me, even forgetting all the other ****e he put you through.

He may love you but youre definatly better off without it, as many other posters have told you.

It's a hard thing you're going through, and I totally emphasise. However as regards visiting him, I wouldn't. It will reinforce the connection between you guys for him as much as you. You have faced the inital shock, and it sounds like the overdose was his way of dealing with it. It's only when he is finally stable in his emotions again that you're going to be able to talk again, in my opinion anyway, and just as you wouldn't use him to get over your break up, he can't use you to get over his overdose as it came as a direct result of the break up, though you were NOT in the wrong.

I feel for you, I really do. You sound lovely and I hope you come out of this only for the better. My complete sympathies are with you, its an awful situation to be in.

the_syco

You visit him in the hostipal, you'll be visiting his funeral.

I say this, cos if you visit him in the hostipal, he'll see a way of getting you to come, so next time when you leave, he'll overdose again, but next time he may not be so lucky.

ijustwannabe

ijustwannabe wrote:

"Ya but tell the GF you cant see her and ill come up and stay in ur place- and i promise you this time will be better than last week xxx"

Which could mean that she didn't get to stay with your BF last week but called over and he engineered a situation whereby he got rid of her.
This other girl could be deluded.

I'll be frank I've got texts similar to that one and it's been from pushy wannabe's that I've decided not to do anything with ie stalkers.

As for your BF's reaction-I might have more patience perhaps if I was going out with you but FFS what do you expect a boy to do if you are screaming infidelity at him etc Whats he supposed to think? How long is his fuse supposed to be.

Nobody in their right mind wants to be strangled in a relationship.
You've quite a bit of repairing to do if I'm right-thats if your man isn't fed up of this lark by now.

That was my instinctive reaction to your first post-then I read your next one.

ijustwannabe wrote:

'i was watching telly last night and he text me. This is the message

Him "I love u"
me "I asked you not to contact me"
Him "Look i swear i never touched her"
Me "Are you thick or something i saw you in town with her"
Him "I only went near her after u dumped me-I was depressed-I still am-Its so over with her i love you- your my world and id die for you- you know i would"
Me "Get lost"
Him "Please"
Me" LEAVE ME ALONE"

I turned off my phone then and when i turned it back on this morning id a few voice messages-It was his mother saying he took an overdose last night and he was in hospital.She asked me to come see him this morning before i go to work

I dont know what to do!'

Look.
Hormones are strange things.
2007 is a scarey place if things don't or aren't going right.
It sounds to me that your BF/ex BF is genuine enough and this tipped the balance resulting in the suicide attempt.

It's not easy to not flirt or meet someone who's pushy with you or stalking you(I'm referring to the Girl that texted your BF/EX BF) and You greyed the waters by breaking up with him and getting back to gether etc etc.
Go to him-talk face to face.BUT only if you want to (ignoring the effect this whole episode has on whether or not you want to-ask yourself is he the one for you and ask it leaving aside this episode)
None of this texting shoite.Thats half the 2007 problem,you can get 50 meanings from one text.

Incidently what Kell said , though brief is another way of looking at it.
But if you are going down that route , give it some thought first and weigh the whole lot up as much as you can.
At the end of the day it's a decision for you and do you like the lad enough to actually have a long talk about all this and resolve it.