caught bf in bed with other girl

LegacyUser · 19-03-2007 06:25PM #1

I'm devastated. Been with my bf for 3 years - living together for nearly two and a half. I'm 26, he's 29. Came home this morning after visiting my mum for mother's day and there was a naked woman in bed with a naked him, cuddling in our special position. Condoms next to the bed, not used so either they had unprotected sex or he was too drunk to get it up. Either way the intention was there.

I know he has never cheated before and the biggest thing we've always had between us is complete and utter trust. My dad was a cheat and destryoed my mum and my bf has known i would never put up with it. And yet he has done it to me. He knew I'd be coming home then and he wasn't that drunk not to know what he was doing though he was hammered. How could he be so cruel? I've decided to leave him. It means moving back to my native country and leaving all my friends and life behind but I feel I have no other choice.

I have loved him with all my heart. I have supported him as much as I possibly could and we've had an amazing relationship. He was my best friend. I was convinced he was my soul mate. I just feel so betrayed. We often talked about growing old together and having an adventure filled life. I can't believe that's all gone...

I have such a pain in my chest and I can't stop shaking. I feel heartbroken. How could he throw this away? He's had a bit of a drinking and gambling problem and I thought I was helping him get through that and this is how he repays me? Any advice on how I should handle this situation? Its so difficult just to switch off these feelings I have for him but I just feel sick thinking about his hands all over this random girls body and hers all over his in OUR bed.

Sorry for the rambling nature of this post - just in shock xxx

LegacyUser · 19-03-2007 07:26PM

Broken girl,

my heart goes out to you. Sending you a hug.....

He has committed the cardinal sin and has been caught in the act, this makes it even harder for you but in the long run, it will make it easies for you to get over him. He has taken a girl to your home and to your bed - its unforgiveable and he has been caught red handed.

I strongly suggest you pack a bag and walk out the door. Stay with a friend for a few days, take some time off work if you can and do NOT contact him. I would not even talk to him. If he needs to leave a message for you you can listen to it later.

Dont rush into returning to your home country, as easy as it is for me to say.....

You have given him your all and if this is how he repays it (drunk is no excure) he is not worth your time.

Take care

Sarah

Wibbs · 19-03-2007 08:31PM

This is a hard time for you now and I really feel for you.

Have you talked to him(sober) about this? I'm only asking as you have been together for a long time and he knew that infidelity was an even bigger no no for you(still the biggest IMO). I presume he denied any wrongdoing, though how is beyond me.

Did anything happen from what you can tell? Is it possible he was so hammered that this random woman was there and it barely registered with him(again long shot and no excuse)? That said if he's getting this hammered, that's a very bad sign considering what you've already said you were helping him with.

The reason for this questions that you should ask yourself(not answer here), is that I think for you it may be helpful in the future to know this stuff in case you think you made the wrong decision by leaving him.

I think SarahSassy is right about you getting out of there double quick.

Wibbs · 19-03-2007 08:32PM

BTW

It means moving back to my native country and leaving all my friends and life behind but I feel I have no other choice.

No it doesn't at all. Why should you leave all that behind because of his screwup. No way. You stick to your guns.

louisecm · 19-03-2007 08:34PM

Oh Broken Girl, I really feel for you but you have done the right thing by deciding to leave him.

Not only did he cheat on you, but he was disrespectful enough to do it in your bed at a time when he knew well you could walk in on them therefore causing you unnecessary pain.

You deserve better than that. Keep that phrase in your mind and look forwards not back...he clearly wasn't the soul mate you thought he was which only means that your's is still out there for the finding. Don't waste any more time on this dirtbag. x

KingKenny7 · 19-03-2007 08:39PM

one word.....castrate

kaalgat · 19-03-2007 08:47PM

KingKenny7 wrote:

one word.....castrate

Yep. Definately.
To do something like that, when he knew what happened with your parents. And to do that in the bed that the 2 of you share!
What a total scumbag!

I really feel for you.
I think leaving him is a good decision
xx

GuanYin · 19-03-2007 08:59PM

I think if you want to break free, you have to cold and analytical.

Simple fact of the matter is, noone makes just one mistake. If they do it once, it's in their nature to do it again.

However angry you're feeling, however hurt, when you deal with him, put those aside. Calmly and coldly let him know he's betrayed you, lost your trust and that there is nothing he can do to redeem himself.

If you start going down the road of anger, tears and emotions, you leave yourself vunerable - if you really intend to leave, you need to cut off emotional ties in your dealings with him.

All easier said than done, but the reason I say this is that it is ALWAYS easier to not walk away. Cutting someone off is hard. It takes effort. Adn you're left with alot of scary things to face by yourself. Packing, leaving, moving, meeting someone new, getting to know someone.

All these things are incredibly daunting and many many people give a second chance, not because they honestly believe the partner will get better, but because the alternative is so scary.

Don't be that person. When you're safely away and you want to be emotional with him, thats fine. Let it be by phone, by letter or whatever. Just don't do it face to face so soon after. You need to be cold for now.

Least thats my advice

Poco Loco · 19-03-2007 09:49PM

My heart goes out to you, really it does. But you WILL be ok on your own. And I'm not saying that lightly. One thing - do you have to be the one to move out? Could he? You've done nothing wrong. Remember that if you remember nothing else - this is not your fault, you've done nothing wrong.

(Oh and what goes around comes around! He'll get what's coming to him in the end...)

Really don't know what else to say to you except I am sorry, you poor girl. Hope it all works out for you.

xxx

Eggonaspoon · 19-03-2007 09:53PM

Unbelievable! What an incredibly cruel and sick b@stard! But I guess that me saying that isn’t really helping you…

I agree with the rest, take your time deciding whether you want to move back or stay in Ireland. Just wanted to add that if I was you, I would make him leave the house until you have decided what you want. No reason why you should find yourself without a home because he f*cked up (even if it’s his house).

Take care!

Talliesin · 19-03-2007 10:58PM

brokengirl wrote:

I've decided to leave him. It means moving back to my native country and leaving all my friends and life behind but I feel I have no other choice.

No, breaking up and then doing things due to your relationship with him whether they are in your interest or not means leaving all your friends and life behind.

Leaving him means breaking up and then doing what's right for you regardless.

Nevyn · 19-03-2007 11:15PM

Let me make this plain and simple anyone suggesting voilence or assulat or grievous bodily harm ( is castration ) will be BANNED from this forum.

KingKenny7 and kaalgat consider this an offical warning.

johnnyrotten if you see a post that breaks the charter please use the report post function.

nicolo Banned for 3 months for suggeting volience and for the illegal offer to harm a person.

johnnyrotten · 19-03-2007 11:18PM

Thaedydal wrote:

.

johnnyrotten if you see a post that breaks the charter please use the report post function.

nicolo Banned for 3 months for suggeting volience and for the illegal offer to harm a person.

Fair enough

frobisher · 19-03-2007 11:25PM

Leave him without a second thought and no matter how tempted you are to get back with him don't do it. And don't move back to your own country just yet either. Look at it this way, many people have this happen when they're married with kids. It will of course be difficult but draw a line in the sand and move on. He's not worth a second thought.

Tak3n · 20-03-2007 12:15AM

Give him a second chance.. everybody makes mistakes.. If he was drunk like you said he was it is extremely hard for a guy to keep his trousers on when a girl is coming onto him.

The poor guy probally misses you terribly...

limklad · 20-03-2007 01:19AM

OP. Yes, your boyfriend screwed up badly and you father screwed up badly which affected you. You allowed your father betrayal to affect you. I do not know what was going on with your boyfriend head or the type of relationship you both had up to now.
You are badly hurt and betrayed. If you do not talk to him you are not going to find out why he did it. Just because he screwed up once does not mean he is going to do it again. If he does, well that is a different story, but he needs to screw up again for you to accuse him of it.
I remember one event in a pub, there was these 2 women always though they had a great relationship with their husbands and boasted about it, but the opposite was true. The wife’s were controlling everything in their relationship was only as open as the wife’s deem fit to. When they found out their husbands was not happy, by god, it made them mad and angry. I sat in the pub watching their wife’s shouting at their husbands to give them answers and they would not let their husbands speak. Shouting out everything they did for their husband. Raise kids, cook the food etc. One wife was so hipcotrical in her comments. He did everything for the kids and she always avoid the problems the kids had and past them onto him to deal with it. She even accused him of having an affair, which I am 100% certain that he did not have. The times she claim that he was having the affair, coincided with soccer games in which I attended. There was many more incidents I witness. To long to explain here.
Having the kids was her choice too and planting it was for him in public was betraying the kids. Since the beginning of their marriage, he wanted to cook. But she did not want that. He was a great cook, while she was a complete disaster. But it not what she wanted, she wanted everything her way. Over the years, that I knew her comments about other men screwing up she had a temper and grudges, disrespect against men. I was surprise her husband married her, and I was not the only one.
My above comments are to prove a point, Not everything is not what it seams. And no one person is the blame for things going wrong, In this case you said your boyfriend was drinking, It is a factor and the girl secude him with drink is a letal combination to do stupid things. Women screw up like this too.

Do not let this affect your future relationships or you will be the one who screw it up. There is a saying in the legal world. You are not guilty until proven. That means hard evidence. In which you did when you caught him.

If you where the one who betrayed him. How would you like to be treated? . Would you wanted him to give you a second chance or to explain yourself?

Well I have my two bites to say.

bug · 20-03-2007 01:37AM

Tak3n wrote:

Give him a second chance.. everybody makes mistakes.. If he was drunk like you said he was it is extremely hard for a guy to keep his trousers on when a girl is coming onto him.

depends on who the guy is really. :rolleyes:

Tak3n wrote:

The poor guy probally misses you terribly...

...yes, the poor gambling, drunken, caught with his pants down, fool.

Luckily you're not in the army Tak3n, you'd be sending them out right in the line of fire. I hope you're taking the piss, for the good of mankind, or your bird's sake at least.

To the OP, go and stay with a friend for a few days, I don't see why you feel like you need to leave the country.
Go and take a few days out for yourself to get over the initial shock, and see what you want to do then.

Wibbs · 20-03-2007 01:48AM

psi wrote:

I think if you want to break free, you have to cold and analytical.

easier said than done, but good advice nonetheless.

All these things are incredibly daunting and many many people give a second chance, not because they honestly believe the partner will get better, but because the alternative is so scary.

There's truth in that.

Simple fact of the matter is, noone makes just one mistake. If they do it once, it's in their nature to do it again.

That's the bit that grates, I'm afraid. It's an easy, black and white, frankly simplistic way to look at people, but it's simply not true. Pretty much everybody has done at least one thing they regret or was out of character and would never do again.

In this case and given your history and how apparently he callously put you in this situation, the doing it again issue is moot.

BeardyGit · 20-03-2007 01:49AM

limklad wrote:

OP. Yes, your boyfriend screwed up badly......blah blah.....
Well I have my two bites to say.

Whew! Two bites, eh? More like the whole meal there Limklad!

OP, throw him out. Nothing he can possibly say should excuse his behaviour - Don't entertain him trying to take you for a ride now. Treat him like dirt - he deserves it.

I'm sure it's a terrible situation to find yourself in - I really feel for you. Be strong until you've got rid of him. We're here if you need to chat of course....

Best of luck,

Gil

LegacyUser · 20-03-2007 02:00AM

thank you for all your comments. I have left him. I couldn't stay. How would I ever sleep in that bed again, even if I had chucked him out. It was horrible enough being there for a few hours when I was packing.

I'm still shaking and keep bursting into tears. Still can't eat. I never knew you could acatually feel so heart broken. Just glad we don't have kids. My home country is Wales so not too far away to move. Just moving for now but will come back after some tlc from my mum. I just had to get away today. I have so many memories with him in Dublin.

I did speak to him and I know he's incredibly sorry. But he wasn't too drunk not to know what he was doing. He'd bought condoms on the way home. He remembers meeting her and bringing her back. Also, he knew how insecure I am about cheating and that I would leave if I even caught him once. All of this boils down to his problem with drinking and gambling and having no decent friends. I have done everything. He owes me a lot of money. Had it been just a drunken thing once I might be able to forgive if he had a complete and utter memory blank. But on top of everything, I don't know how we could ever get that trust back.

I'm also going through a bit of a cancer scare at the moment. He knows I'm not supposed to be stressed out and that I really needed him. And yet, drinking and gambling came before me for the past few weeks. And now cheating. Its just so tragic....

We used to make other couples so jealous. We really were amazing together. I'm in shock that its actually over....

Thanks again to you all for your comments. I'm in such a daze not sure what's going on tbh....

GuanYin · 20-03-2007 02:01AM

Wibbs wrote:

That's the bit that grates, I'm afraid. It's an easy, black and white, frankly simplistic way to look at people, but it's simply not true. Pretty much everybody has done at least one thing they regret or was out of character and would never do again.

Basic psychology, people generally only regret things that have negative consequences - like being caught or finding that life is complicated with two partners. If you are going to do something that you might regret, you know you have a chance of being caught, and try get away with it - hence your nature is to do it.

If you weight up the odds of being caught and decide to cheat, then it's in your character.

Wibbs · 20-03-2007 02:10AM

psi wrote:

Basic psychology

Indeed.

If you weight up the odds of being caught and decide to cheat, then it's in your character.

Only the first time for most.

metrovelvet · 20-03-2007 02:18AM

psi wrote:

Basic psychology, people generally only regret things that have negative consequences - like being caught or finding that life is complicated with two partners. If you are going to do something that you might regret, you know you have a chance of being caught, and try get away with it - hence your nature is to do it.

If you weight up the odds of being caught and decide to cheat, then it's in your character.

I can see why you would say such a thing. However there are more negative consequences to cheating than just getting caught.

For example, I know a man who cheated on his wife but was never caught. He did regret it and did not repeat it and he said that he was naive to think he could do that and believe that it would not change the way he related to his wife, thus affecting the marriage detrimentally.

I believe people can change and make mistakes, but the will to limit and repair damage control is relative. Sometimes it can even invite more intimacy.

Sometimes cheating is not so much about weighing up the odds, but about compulsive or impulsive behavior. We are not always rational or as skilled at turning off our passions as others are.

However, OP has been dishonoured and should act accordingly. I think leaving without setting his clothes on fire is quite dignified of OP and I applaud the restraint she shows when he couldnt show the same restraint. Imo you should throw him out and go tell him to move in with his floozie.

LegacyUser · 20-03-2007 02:24AM

Metrovelvet: "However, OP has been dishonoured and should act accordingly. I think leaving without setting his clothes on fire is quite dignified of OP and I applaud the restraint she shows when he couldnt show the same restraint. Imo you should throw him out and go tell him to move in with his floozie."

Ha ha.... yes I should have! But I'd feel too guilty especially as I bought most of them. Did do one thing though... broke his only porn dvd in half. He doesn't even know who the floozie is so I couldn't ask him to do that.... Though was tempted to! It just hurts because there were pictures of us up, and our anniversary cards etc. So obvious a girl lived there. And yet this happened... My mum has always told me that all men are bastards. I used my ex as an example that they weren't. Boy, do I regret that now...

GuanYin · 20-03-2007 02:39AM

metrovelvet wrote:

I can see why you would say such a thing. However there are more negative consequences to cheating than just getting caught.

Which is why that wasn't the only example I gave :rolleyes:

louisecm · 20-03-2007 09:51AM

brokengirl, well done. Be strong in yourself and take all the love your mum has to give you. Good luck with your health and remember that you can't fix his drinking and gambling problems. He can only fix them himself, so do not fall into the trap of feeling responsible for him. You have to take care of you. x

Wibbs · 20-03-2007 11:00AM

brokengirl wrote:

He doesn't even know who the floozie is so I couldn't ask him to do that....

Unreal.

It just hurts because there were pictures of us up, and our anniversary cards etc. So obvious a girl lived there. And yet this happened...

Unreal again. Some people. I mean what kind of mentality can justify that? I'm just trying to put myself as a man in that situation. I go back to a woman's house and find pictures and anniversary cards and all the "stuff" of a relationship and seeing that hop into bed??? Snoggin someone at a nightclub while píssed, only to find out they're with someone is bad enough, this takes idiocy and nastiness to another level.

My mum has always told me that all men are bastards. I used my ex as an example that they weren't.

I hate to say it especially at this time, but your mum's wrong. You both have been unlucky. Very unlucky, but not all men cheat. Hand on heart I know plenty who haven't ever cheated. I've seen guys nearing the end of relationships getting it handed to them on a plate and they still didn't cheat. If you can and I realise trust will take a long time in coming, but you will find someone who is right for you and doesn't cheat. I'd be just worried that if you think in the long term, all men are cheaters you may miss out on that. I wish you well.

Zambia · 20-03-2007 11:34AM

brokengirl wrote:

My mum has always told me that all men are bastards. ...

My mum told me my dog went to "live on a Farm" when he got old. That was not true either.

Not all men are , its a bit like looking for a needle in a haystack. It takes ages and you just keep getting little pricks but in the end you may end up finding one worth using to stich out a life for yourselves if you pick it up right.

Best of luck time heals all wounds, bar fatal ones

LegacyUser · 20-03-2007 02:13PM

I know not all men are bastards. Just honestly didn't think he was one and that he'd ever cheat on me. I feel so stupid. And I feel so ugly and disgusting today - I could never cheat on him.

Thanks again for all your comments.

Talliesin · 20-03-2007 03:13PM

Zambia232 wrote:

its a bit like looking for a needle in a haystack.

Where the needle looks like a bit of hay.

Actually I think all people are bastards sometimes, because nobody's perfect. The difficulty can sometimes be knowing whether someone was being a bastard because nobody's perfect, or because they're just a bastard. At least in this case the degree of callousness around the whole incident makes it easy to answer.

John Mason · 20-03-2007 03:19PM

brokengirl wrote:

thank you for all your comments. I have left him. I couldn't stay. How would I ever sleep in that bed again, even if I had chucked him out. It was horrible enough being there for a few hours when I was packing.

I'm still shaking and keep bursting into tears. Still can't eat. I never knew you could acatually feel so heart broken. Just glad we don't have kids. My home country is Wales so not too far away to move. Just moving for now but will come back after some tlc from my mum. I just had to get away today. I have so many memories with him in Dublin.

I did speak to him and I know he's incredibly sorry. But he wasn't too drunk not to know what he was doing. He'd bought condoms on the way home. He remembers meeting her and bringing her back. Also, he knew how insecure I am about cheating and that I would leave if I even caught him once. All of this boils down to his problem with drinking and gambling and having no decent friends. I have done everything. He owes me a lot of money. Had it been just a drunken thing once I might be able to forgive if he had a complete and utter memory blank. But on top of everything, I don't know how we could ever get that trust back.

I'm also going through a bit of a cancer scare at the moment. He knows I'm not supposed to be stressed out and that I really needed him. And yet, drinking and gambling came before me for the past few weeks. And now cheating. Its just so tragic....

We used to make other couples so jealous. We really were amazing together. I'm in shock that its actually over....

Thanks again to you all for your comments. I'm in such a daze not sure what's going on tbh....

ah love, we have all been there but trust in 6 months you wont know why you were so upset and will be able to laugh about - trust me (18 months in recovery)

caught bf in bed with other girl

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