I'm so hurt!

LegacyUser · 18-03-2007 10:48AM #1

I have been with a guy for nearly 2 years-we were on and off a lot cos he kept lying to me about stupid little things and id get thick and we would break up.We got back a few months ago and things were brill we were getting on great.

Anyway last night(paddys night) i was in the pub with my mates and he called me and asked could he see me cos he missed me. So i met him in the car park and sat in his car and chatted. his phone beeped then and he said
"its for you" it was my mates lettn me know they were going to a diff pub(my batt was dead)

Now his phone is one of the ones where you see the whole message when it comes through. So just as i was about to hand him bk the phone it beeped and i looked down- and some "Alison" girl had text him saying"I miss ya sexy"

Now i freaked out and asked who she was and he said"Shes some girl who wants to sleep with me she wont leave me alone"- look at her other messages if you dont believe me" So i did they were all saying "call me etc" except for one that said "Ya but tell the GF you cant see her and ill come up and stay in ur place- and i promise you this time will be better than last week xxx" He had obviously forgotten to delete that one.

I felt sick and i read the message out to him expecting him to say she sent it by accident or something- but when i read it his face fell- he grabbed the phone off me and switched it off- i said "Give me that phone i want to see that message again" and he screamed "No way if you dont believe me then get the **** out of my car"

I was in shock cos he NEVER yells at me- and I sat there stunned..... and he said "I said get out if your gonna accuse me of cheating" So i got out and he drove off- and i got physcially sick right there in the car park from utter shock. I have been crying all night. I love him so much and I cant believe he did this to me!

I really thought he loved me!Im so hurt!

Carrigart Exile · 18-03-2007 01:33PM

That's tough. Two things either he is being completely honest with you or he was looking to break up with you. Now if he was looking to break up with you, why text you and ask you to meet him because he misses you. Why hand over the phone for you to look at.

rediguana · 18-03-2007 01:46PM

He's a cheat, of sorts.

Silverfish · 18-03-2007 01:48PM

Carrigart Exile wrote:

That's tough. Two things either he is being completely honest with you or he was looking to break up with you. Now if he was looking to break up with you, why text you and ask you to meet him because he misses you. Why hand over the phone for you to look at.

So that he would have an excuse to break up with her, I would say, and feel that he is in the right 'She accused me of cheating!!' - ignoring the fact that he quite clearly is.

If he wasn't cheating he would have been quite happy to explain the messages and talk about them to set her mind at ease - even though he should really have told her about it before - but the way he reacted is a clear sign of guilt, immediately shifting the focus onto her.

OP, this was only last night, so I would say see today if he contacts you to explain / apologise. If not, I would feel that after two years you are owed some sort of explanation.

rediguana · 18-03-2007 01:53PM

He was unlucky for the text to arrive at that time. It wasn't planned. He lost his usual cool.

Don't read too much into it, OP. Guys can compartmentalise so easily. I'm sure he really likes you, maybe even loves you. But it in no way means he couldn't go off with another girl. It doesn't have to be either or for (lots of) guys.

Get rid of him. You busted him. It's a good story.

Trinity · 18-03-2007 03:26PM

I'm sorry to hear that i know it must hurt a lot.

He reacted that way cos u caught him by the short and curlies. No doubt he will either twist it to be your fault or find an explanation when he has had time to think of one.

He sounds like a complete rat, he has been lying to you from the start according to yourself.

It'll hurt like hell for a while but honestly do you need this? You will never trust him again, let him go now.

Carrigart Exile · 18-03-2007 07:09PM

Silverfish wrote:

So that he would have an excuse to break up with her, I would say, and feel that he is in the right 'She accused me of cheating!!' - ignoring the fact that he quite clearly is.

If he wasn't cheating he would have been quite happy to explain the messages and talk about them to set her mind at ease - even though he should really have told her about it before - but the way he reacted is a clear sign of guilt, immediately shifting the focus onto her.

OP, this was only last night, so I would say see today if he contacts you to explain / apologise. If not, I would feel that after two years you are owed some sort of explanation.

You seem to know for certain he is cheating

Also, to have firstly her phone not work, her friends have to call her on his phone and then rely on the OP going through his texts, seems a tad far fetched to me.

The way he reacted is not a clear sign of guilt, is the OP constantly questioning his every move, maybe's he's at the end of his tether with being constantly questioned.

passive · 18-03-2007 07:22PM

You seem to know for certain he is cheating Also, to have firstly her phone not work, her friends have to call her on his phone and then rely on the OP going through his texts, seems a tad far fetched to me.

The way he reacted is not a clear sign of guilt, is the OP constantly questioning his every move, maybe's he's at the end of his tether with being constantly questioned.

Well... yes, those are all possibilities. But maybe the OP is a sixteen foot gorilla and the "boyfriend" is a metaphor for a plane. Maybe she's really cheating on him and has twisted the story around in her favour. maybe... *continues in the same vein for a while*. Ahem; If we read into her post and make **** up we could probably come up with all kinds of interesting theories but.. well.. let's not be stupid unhelpful dickheads writing fiction and "completely ignoring the details presented to us" instead of handing out advice... 'Cos I would hate for any of us to come across like that

.

The guy's an asshole who probably thought he had cleared the messages that incriminated himself, and thankfully was caught out and demonstrated his assholeishness afterwards. You're better off, move on, have a nice life. Sorry.

Silverfish · 18-03-2007 07:27PM

Carrigart Exile wrote:

You seem to know for certain he is cheating Also, to have firstly her phone not work, her friends have to call her on his phone and then rely on the OP going through his texts, seems a tad far fetched to me.

The way he reacted is not a clear sign of guilt, is the OP constantly questioning his every move, maybe's he's at the end of his tether with being constantly questioned.

We don't know she was constantly questioning him. We do know he met up with Alison last week at his place, and that this week was going to be better, and that she missed him and thought he was sexy.

So he's clearly up to no good, and any girlfriend is entitled to ask a few questions about that.

the_syco · 18-03-2007 08:19PM

ijustwannabe wrote:

I have been with a guy for nearly 2 years-we were on and off a lot cos he kept lying to me about stupid little things and id get thick and we would break up.We got back a few months ago and things were brill we were getting on great.

So you were on and off, and now you're back on...

ijustwannabe wrote:

he screamed "No way if you dont believe me then get the **** out of my car"

... and off.

ijustwannabe wrote:

I really thought he loved me!Im so hurt!

He seems the unfaithfull type, esp the on/off bit. He can't stick with you, but this time, two of his relationships overlapped. Just like some girls are hoe's, some men are bas*ards.

Carrigart Exile · 19-03-2007 08:23AM

passive wrote:

Well... yes, those are all possibilities. But maybe the OP is a sixteen foot gorilla and the "boyfriend" is a metaphor for a plane. Maybe she's really cheating on him and has twisted the story around in her favour. maybe... *continues in the same vein for a while*. Ahem; If we read into her post and make **** up we could probably come up with all kinds of interesting theories but.. well.. let's not be stupid unhelpful dickheads writing fiction and "completely ignoring the details presented to us" instead of handing out advice... 'Cos I would hate for any of us to come across like that .

Heaven forbid anyone would come across as a patronising know it all but know nothing on this board

Carrigart Exile · 19-03-2007 08:27AM

Silverfish wrote:

We don't know she was constantly questioning him. We do know he met up with Alison last week at his place, and that this week was going to be better, and that she missed him and thought he was sexy.

So he's clearly up to no good, and any girlfriend is entitled to ask a few questions about that.

That's the problem you don't, the text did not say that, you are filling in the blanks same as the OP. Look the guy might be a complete louse and if he is the OP is well shot of him, but I think we are all too quick on these boards to play the hardman/woman with other people's relationships. OP, you clearly love him, there are most certainly issues you need cleared and decisions you both have to make, I would advise you have a heart to heart first.

rediguana · 19-03-2007 09:30AM

Carrigart Exile wrote:

That's the problem you don't, the text did not say that, you are filling in the blanks same as the OP. Look the guy might be a complete louse and if he is the OP is well shot of him, but I think we are all too quick on these boards to play the hardman/woman with other people's relationships. OP, you clearly love him, there are most certainly issues you need cleared and decisions you both have to make, I would advise you have a heart to heart first.

He's a cheat. End it.

Wibbs · 19-03-2007 10:43AM

Carrigart Exile wrote:

That's the problem you don't, the text did not say that, you are filling in the blanks same as the OP. Look the guy might be a complete louse and if he is the OP is well shot of him, but I think we are all too quick on these boards to play the hardman/woman with other people's relationships. OP, you clearly love him, there are most certainly issues you need cleared and decisions you both have to make, I would advise you have a heart to heart first.

agree with this. While there is some good advice knocking around in this thread the fact is you and he have to talk about this. Try and cool off for a day or so. When you do talk try not to go into high pitched screaming accusations too quickly.

Caliden · 19-03-2007 01:49PM

Sounds like a complete asshole to lose it like that. As for the texts and people saying you're drawing conclusions.
You would have to be quite stupid to think nothing was going on with this other girl.
Get over him because he is clearly only looking for one thing from you and it's not a long term girlfriend or salvaging your relationship.

Silverfish · 19-03-2007 01:54PM

Carrigart Exile wrote:

That's the problem you don't, the text did not say that, you are filling in the blanks same as the OP.

It said it right here:

"Ya but tell the GF you cant see her and ill come up and stay in ur place- and i promise you this time will be better than last week xxx"

He needs to start explaining that one. I'm just saying that maybe there was nothing in it, however that coupled with his reaction of attacking his girlfriend.....well, it doesn't look good.

WindSock · 19-03-2007 02:42PM

Caught red willied by sounds of it. Also sounds like he's causing you more hurt than bliss. At this stage I would say cut him loose. He's been caught lying to you before, why give hime the benefit of the doubt this time, especially when things seem blindingly obvious. Don't fall for his bull**** again, you'd be wasting your time and if you do, how long is it again before you feel insecure. Not worth the hassle in the long run.

LegacyUser · 19-03-2007 06:34PM

'He contacted me yesterday and this was the conversation......

Him(1st text) "I donno what to say to you- im sorry"

Me "You cheated on me- so dont bother saying anything i know the truth now so just leave me alone"

Him "I will leave u alone only cos its what you want but i swear i never slept with her"

Me "Yes you did-I know by the way you reacted-Even If you havnt you have still done something with her and by that text it was obvious you were planning to"

Him "I love you"

Me "Look please just leave me alone ok-You have hurt me and I have been crying all night-You have done nothing but mess me around and I reget ever setting eyes on you-If you love me at all you will just leave me alone to get on with my life as I am sure you want to do too. Please dont contact me again just leave me alone please"

Him "OK-Im sorry and I wish you every happiness in the future"

I didnt answer that back-I still feel like crap and the worst thing was I saw him in town today with her- well i think it was her cos he was holding her hand.I just ignored him and walked past without a care in the world-though it kills me inside!'

WindSock · 19-03-2007 07:48PM

Perfect handling Missy. It's going to be a tough few weeks now, but you will be grand. Seeing them together must have been a kick in the guts, but at least it will help you know you made the right decision. Wash him out of your hair;)

LegacyUser · 19-03-2007 07:58PM

'you handled the situation really really well and seeing that he doesn;t mind walking around holding another girl's hand today should give you a clear indicator that there is no reason to miss him (of course you will but that will pass)....

well done!!!'

Wibbs · 19-03-2007 08:14PM

Yep well done. Now you know for sure. 24hrs after all of this and it looks like he's holding hands? You're well out of it.

legs11 · 19-03-2007 08:23PM

OP, you need to ditch this dude pronto and move on with your life........
he is obviously using you and youre aware of that so just say au revoir and kick him into touch.

kaalgat · 19-03-2007 09:03PM

Yeah I agree. You're better off out of it. And well done for how you handled that conversation!

Best of luck! You will get over the hurt in time..

LegacyUser · 20-03-2007 08:19AM

'i was watching telly last night and he text me. This is the message

Him "I love u"
me "I asked you not to contact me"
Him "Look i swear i never touched her"
Me "Are you thick or something i saw you in town with her"
Him "I only went near her after u dumped me-I was depressed-I still am-Its so over with her i love you- your my world and id die for you- you know i would"
Me "Get lost"
Him "Please"
Me" LEAVE ME ALONE"

I turned off my phone then and when i turned it back on this morning id a few voice messages-It was his mother saying he took an overdose last night and he was in hospital.She asked me to come see him this morning before i go to work

I dont know what to do!'

rediguana · 20-03-2007 09:50AM

I guess go and see him. But it doesn't really change the fundamentals.

I hope he recovers.

Wibbs · 20-03-2007 11:26AM

ijustwannabe wrote:

Him "I only went near her after u dumped me-I was depressed-I still am-Its so over with her i love you-

That's possible. Stupid and more than naive, but possible.

your my world

This could be the truth as well.

and id die for you- you know i would"

This is where it strays into dodgy territory. "dying" for somebody isn't the trick, living for them is

I turned off my phone then and when i turned it back on this morning id a few voice messages-It was his mother saying he took an overdose last night and he was in hospital.She asked me to come see him this morning before i go to work

He's obviously broken up about this and regrets his actions(if any as he swears there was nothing going on til the handholding episode). His actions in response to this regret is worrying. I hope he's getting the professional help he does need right now.

I dont know what to do!'

Sadly, the only one that knows that is yourself. The best decisions are based on the best information. Lashing out the way he did is not the way to go. Similarly you lashing out because of (understandable) feelings of betrayal isn't the way to go either. I do think you both need to sit down and talk. He has to actually tell you the truth, warts and all about his feelings for you and what may have happened in the past that has brought things to this. You have to talk to him about your feelings of betrayal and hurt about this stuff. In short really talking to each other and maybe others close to the both of you is the only way to go.

If it was me? I'm a bit of a sucker so I'd probably go to see him. That's just me though.

biko · 20-03-2007 11:57AM

Go see him in hospital, it's the decent thing to do.

Do not get back with him. It is not your fault he overdosed, he did that to himself because HE lost you over cheating that HE did.

tbh · 20-03-2007 12:14PM

cruel to be kind here OP, don't go see him. What's the point? At best, it makes you feel guilty. At worst, it gives him false hope.

Wibbs · 20-03-2007 12:15PM

biko wrote:

Go see him in hospital, it's the decent thing to do.

Agreed.

Do not get back with him.

I can see why you may say that, but with respect, the OP is the only one who can make that decision based on all the facts. We simply don't know the facts of this. Even the OP only has a suspicion of previous infidelity.

It is not your fault he overdosed,

Agreed again. Not the OPs fault at all. The only one who made that decision was him.

he did that to himself because HE lost you over cheating that HE did.

Partially true. We(or the OP) don't know that he cheated before. The only thing we know about for sure is the post split handholding episode. That's it.

John Mason · 20-03-2007 12:22PM

well there you go, another life lesson learned. now just pick yourself up and get on with life

Mrs_Doyle · 20-03-2007 01:06PM

I would go see him but I definitely would not get back with him.
Not only is he a cheat, is is extremely unstable and you don't need that.
He cheated on you, you don't owe him anything.
By getting back with him you are rewarding his suicide attempt with positive attention.
I know that sound really harsh, but this guy needs to sort himself out, and you really don't need that kinda pressure.

Go see him, tell him you forgive him, that you could maybe even be friends, but you have moved on, the trust is gone, and are sure you don't want to be his girlfriend anymore.

I'm so hurt!

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