WTF do i do?

Glowing · 12-03-2007 02:53PM

To be honest, I think your girlfriend is being selfish. If this is such a great opportunity for you, then she should be delighted for you! No, its not going to be easy, but it should definately be manageable for a couple of years.

You'll never know until you go - why not give it 6-12 months, then re-assess?

LegacyUser · 12-03-2007 03:14PM

'

Faith wrote:

What happens if you adore the job and excel at it, constantly getting promoted? What if you're offered a fantastic promotion, but you have to move to California for it or something?

I think you need to think in the long term here. If your girlfriend is never going to leave Ireland, and yuo feel you'll never get a decent job here, then you've got a problem.

I think Faith has hit it on the head there. These are possibilities facing me & my boyf now when he finishes college. We are in for the long haul & if I had to I would go anywhere with him if it was really important to him & I know he would the same. In life, we are a team and we would work it out.

You do need to consider the big picture'

Zambia · 12-03-2007 03:24PM

At this stage your a team.

You should be deciding where you both want to live..

You have failed to mention what she will do there , or what are her needs. If you are by far the main bread winner i think she should consider the benefits of your future finance benefits. As opposed to her need to be with mammy when she has no kids and no real need for that close links to her family.

If all else fails flip a coin and the instant you see the coins decision see what your initial feeling is and go with that.

Best of luck mate

gary the great · 12-03-2007 03:50PM

Faith wrote:

What happens if you adore the job and excel at it, constantly getting promoted? What if you're offered a fantastic promotion, but you have to move to California for it or something?

I think you need to think in the long term here. If your girlfriend is never going to leave Ireland, and yuo feel you'll never get a decent job here, then you've got a problem.

If i love the job, excel and keep getting promoted etc Irish employers will know how good i am and il get a job back here and be with the GF, its all about finding the happy medium really.

Shes not going to leave Ireland in the forseeable future and that is a problem. Were quite different in that i love travelling and she doesnt (except for a week holiday here and there). But if it happens that i do love it to much over there to come home (which i think will be unlikely), we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

gary the great · 12-03-2007 03:53PM

warrenaldo wrote:

personally if it was me - the girl or the job. id choose the girl.

jobs can be changed and you can move around until you can find the right one. but will you ever find a girl as good?

and what if you dont like the job when you go over. maybe youll be working long hours - might be stressfull.

i have a friend who moved over to the UK in similar circumstances. about 6 months ago now. altho he finshed with his g/f a few months prior to leaving.

he is moving back next month as he feels a bit homesick. he has a good social life over there but misses his friends and family and the lifestyle he had over here.

food for thought.

Im totally aware that i could hate it, thats not a problem - if i do ill come home

And no i'll never find a girl as good, but the plan is actually not to loose her in the first place, but making it long distance.

hunnymonster · 12-03-2007 04:16PM

Zambia232 wrote:

At this stage your a team.

You should be deciding where you both want to live..

A couple of us have made this point but the OP doesn't appear to be addressing it.

kraggy · 12-03-2007 04:35PM

Obviously, she wants to live here in Ireland and he wants to give his career a shot.

OP, where in the Uk is the job. You don't have to tell but is it near a Ryanair-serviced airport? From a practical point of view, the relationship could be as non-long-distance as my relationship with my girlfriend when i was in college in Dublin and she was working in Galway. Very do-able! (The relationship, as well as my gf!:D )

Anyway, what i'm saying is that you could home every weekend if not every second weekend and she could head over to you too.

Going to England is not the big thing it used to be.

Best of luck

k.

gary the great · 12-03-2007 05:44PM

hunnymonster wrote:

A couple of us have made this point but the OP doesn't appear to be addressing it.

i think i have? I want to go, she wants me to go and give it a shot to, so thats whats going to happen it seems.

And yep im only about 25 mins drive from Gatwick airport, so i know its easily do-able to get home every few weeks.

aidan24326 · 13-03-2007 02:25AM

I'd normally be very wary of the whole long-distance thing. It has a habit of not working out in the longer term, despite best intentions.

But the fact you'll only be 25 minutes from Gatwick means you (and she) will have no excuses for not seeing each other on a fairly regular basis, with the increasing availabilty of cheap flights and the fact it's only a short hop from London (London is probably more accessible now from Dublin than some places in Ireland are). The travel time is quick and the cost is not a major factor if you're making any kind of decent money (and I trust you're not moving to England to work for peanuts!). So it's doable.

Could be a problem further down the line if you want to stay there though, and are doing well. She sounds a bit clingy to mammy and the friends tbh.

Just remember that a genuine quality girl is harder to replace than any job. Do bear that in mind. Good luck anyway.

aidan24326 · 13-03-2007 02:25AM

I'd normally be very wary of the whole long-distance thing. It has a habit of not working out in the longer term, despite best intentions.

But the fact you'll only be 25 minutes from Gatwick means you (and she) will have no excuses for not seeing each other on a fairly regular basis, with the increasing availabilty of cheap flights and the fact it's only a short hop from London (London is probably more accessible now from Dublin than some places in Ireland are). The travel time is quick and the cost is not a major factor if you're making any kind of decent money (and I trust you're not moving to England to work for peanuts!). So it's doable.

Could be a problem further down the line if you want to stay there though, and are doing well. She sounds a bit clingy to mammy and the friends tbh.

Just remember that a genuine quality girl is harder to replace than any job. Do bear that in mind. Good luck anyway.

Lamps · 13-03-2007 11:48AM

Why is she so clingy to the friends and mammy? What do they do for her that you dont? Its a bit sad really, what age is she?

She obviously has her priorites and her friends and family come ahead of you. You just got to accept that, but i dunno if id settle for 3rd best after a 4 year relationship.

Anyway you got to go, don't let her lack of ambition and her need to stay with mammy stop you from being successfull in life. You got to think of number 1, as thats whats she's doing anyway.

I have a bit of a dislike for women today!

But if gatwick is so close, you can come home every second weekend and it should be ok as long as you don't get to carreid away with yourself. Keep an eye on her and trust her, im sure theres lads that will move in like vulchers as soon as your off the scene.

Crea · 13-03-2007 12:30PM

Lamps wrote:

Why is she so clingy to the friends and mammy? What do they do for her that you dont? Its a bit sad really, what age is she?

She obviously has her priorites and her friends and family come ahead of you. You just got to accept that, but i dunno if id settle for 3rd best after a 4 year relationship.

Anyway you got to go, don't let her lack of ambition and her need to stay with mammy stop you from being successfull in life. You got to think of number 1, as thats whats she's doing anyway.

I have a bit of a dislike for women today!

But if gatwick is so close, you can come home every second weekend and it should be ok as long as you don't get to carreid away with yourself. Keep an eye on her and trust her, im sure theres lads that will move in like vulchers as soon as your off the scene.

There are alot of people who are homebirds and don't want to travel. I would worry that life/work would be so great in the UK that OP wouldn't want to come home. A friends husband went to work in England for "a year" and she stayed at home with the 3 kids and he went home every weekend. She ended up joining him after 18 months cause there was no sign of him coming home. She is now there over 2 years and hates it but is stuck because he doesn't want to move back. "There isn't a job at his level in Ireland" - this seems to be the big excuse for alot of people. My sister was in the same boat but only moved to Galway then hubby got the big job in Dublin so she wouldn't go with him and moved back to her home town. They're managing.
If OP is prepared to come home after a specific time (say a year or 18mths) then I can see the relationship lasting. I do think it would be great for the girlfriend to go over there with him so she can get out of her comfort zone and it'll make her grow up a bit, as long as he was willing to come back when promised.

gary the great · 13-03-2007 10:56PM

Crea wrote:

There are alot of people who are homebirds and don't want to travel. I would worry that life/work would be so great in the UK that OP wouldn't want to come home. A friends husband went to work in England for "a year" and she stayed at home with the 3 kids and he went home every weekend. She ended up joining him after 18 months cause there was no sign of him coming home. She is now there over 2 years and hates it but is stuck because he doesn't want to move back. "There isn't a job at his level in Ireland" - this seems to be the big excuse for alot of people. My sister was in the same boat but only moved to Galway then hubby got the big job in Dublin so she wouldn't go with him and moved back to her home town. They're managing.
If OP is prepared to come home after a specific time (say a year or 18mths) then I can see the relationship lasting. I do think it would be great for the girlfriend to go over there with him so she can get out of her comfort zone and it'll make her grow up a bit, as long as he was willing to come back when promised.

Ah i'll be home after a year max. After a year if its still going good with us id defiently repay the favour and come back home, with experience to hopefully get me a job here. And we'd all live happliy ever after...well thats the plan!

Her family are dead against me doing this as well, as are her friends. Its seroiusly pissing me off cos the gf is getting really annoyed with it to. Plus all the "abondoning" comments and "if she was the most important thing in the world to you you'd stay" is actually doing my head in so bad. Any advice on how i should tackle this?

honru · 13-03-2007 11:09PM

Wow, are her family and friends jealous or something?

Make no excuses for what you have to do. Don't even argue with them. They sound like right begrudgers.

Whichever path you take I wish you the best of luck, gary.

Crea · 13-03-2007 11:23PM

gary the great wrote:

Ah i'll be home after a year max. After a year if its still going good with us id defiently repay the favour and come back home, with experience to hopefully get me a job here. And we'd all live happliy ever after...well thats the plan!

Her family are dead against me doing this as well, as are her friends. Its seroiusly pissing me off cos the gf is getting really annoyed with it to. Plus all the "abondoning" comments and "if she was the most important thing in the world to you you'd stay" is actually doing my head in so bad. Any advice on how i should tackle this?

Tell them that it isn't any of their concern and that it's between the 2 of you, if she's ok with it their comments have no worth. Tell them this. If they're that interfering I don't know why she isn't rushing to get away. It's them that aren't normal not the 2 of you.

Lamps · 14-03-2007 04:12PM

her friends and family sound like assholes tbh, although they are probly aware that theres a chance you may be taking their duaghter and friend away from them and are trying to influence her decision and make you out to be the bad guy for going.

TBH you sound like you would be better off without them all and the hassle there obviously causing you. Its your life remember and theres no way your gf's friends should be trying to convince you to change your life plan so that they can see there friend a lot more often. they sound like the bitchy type friends anyway which your best off not being involved with.

skywalker · 14-03-2007 04:49PM

gary the great wrote:

Her family are dead against me doing this as well, as are her friends. Its seroiusly pissing me off cos the gf is getting really annoyed with it to. Plus all the "abondoning" comments and "if she was the most important thing in the world to you you'd stay" is actually doing my head in so bad. Any advice on how i should tackle this?

Time has come for you to bluntly tell them to butt out then hasnt it?

kaalgat · 14-03-2007 10:01PM

Why should you have to explain yourself to her friends and family?

It's your relationship with her that it will affect, and between the two of you, you have to sort it out.

Nothing to do with any of them.

BeardyGit · 14-03-2007 10:59PM

Gary, I'm not trying to be mean, but come on will ye. This is only as tough as you want it to be. Learn to deal with the smart arsed comments from her family and friends for the love of pete, will you?

It would be great if your 'better half' could deal with them for once and for all (because only she can), but I don't think she will....Actually, I'd speak with your girlfriend about her coming up trumps on the whole support thing.

Why hasn't she set her family and friends straight about the reason for your move yet? Why are YOU having to deal with what is largely HER crap to deal with?

Man, how can you honestly say you'll never find another as good?

Really?

LegacyUser · 15-03-2007 12:43AM

gary the great wrote:

Ah i'll be home after a year max. After a year if its still going good with us id defiently repay the favour and come back home, with experience to hopefully get me a job here. And we'd all live happliy ever after...well thats the plan!

Her family are dead against me doing this as well, as are her friends. Its seroiusly pissing me off cos the gf is getting really annoyed with it to. Plus all the "abondoning" comments and "if she was the most important thing in the world to you you'd stay" is actually doing my head in so bad. Any advice on how i should tackle this?

**** that. The simple fact of the matter is, you have been a solid team for four years, u have an amazing opportunity, it really does boil down to this...if she liked you enough she would go with you. It is that simple. Can you marry your friends and family? I don't think so. So if she loved you enough, she would go. It's that simple dude.

Peyton Manning · 15-03-2007 04:00AM

Basically, it boils down to this.

If you loved her, you would stay
-vs-
If she loved you, she would move.

Because the decision is in your hands, and if you really do love this girl, you should stay.

Come to think about it, if you do indeed LOVE this girl, you shouldnt have to think twice.

Jesus Wept · 15-03-2007 05:38AM

cheesedude wrote:

If she liked you enough, she would go...it is that simple.

The fact that she isn't going means she doesn't love you enough to go...

Don't try make excuses for her, just analyse her actions...if she goes, she adores you, if she doesn't go, she doesn't love you enough...

I have to disagree, she can love him to bits, doesn't mean she should or should want to pack up and move to a different country (even worse, England).

She has friends, family and likely a job (career??) here.

It's a difficult situation no doubt, are you sure you want to go? Even if she was coming?

Anytime I'm in England, I can't wait to get out.... but hey thats me

gary the great · 15-03-2007 03:39PM

Archimedes wrote:

Basically, it boils down to this.

If you loved her, you would stay
-vs-
If she loved you, she would move.

Because the decision is in your hands, and if you really do love this girl, you should stay.

Come to think about it, if you do indeed LOVE this girl, you shouldnt have to think twice.

Thats a load of crap tbh i do love this girl and thats why im committed to making it work as long distance. I have to think of the bigger picture here and my future, her future and the future of any family we may have.
plus I have to do this for myself.

On the family and friends isssue they have in fact suceeded in helping me make my mind up to go. Im not going to deal with them its not business to do so, they can think what they like and it aint going to get to me anymore.

Red Hand · 15-03-2007 04:26PM

It's only England, OP, and its not like ye both won't be able to see each other or not keep in contact, and who knows-the job may not work out or your G/F may change her mind. You already seem to have a clear head with regards as to what you will and will not do and how long you are going to do it.

Peyton Manning · 15-03-2007 04:58PM

First of all gary, I was only giving advice so you can lose the arrogance - its lost on you in this forum.

Secondly, what I was saying was she obviously doubts whether long distance relationship between you 2 can work. Youre placing your career ahead of her in your list of priorities. What am I supposed to believe?

You'll get no more replies from me if thats your attitude. Grow up.

WTF do i do?

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