Funny Quotes From All Poker Games

Mick the Lip reraises you all-in preflop. You tell him you've aces - "I know you've aces but oive two loive kards". Always gives me a chuckle.

Or Mick the Lip - "Thank God for Murat - he's putting my kids through college". Comic genius.

TUNICA, MS - Floor managers, dealers and players present in the Grand's poker room last Thursday all confirm that a severely intoxicated holdem player experienced great difficulty separating the similar yet distinct realities of online and physical poker.

The drunk, identified by casino staff as Michigan tourist Evelio Alderdice, first drew attention to himself by asking players to stop "hiding their numbers". When pressed, Alderdice explained "I should be able to see their numbers, their chip numbers. They're hiding them, that's cheating. Waitress!"

Other players were at first confused, and allowed the comment to pass as Alderdice sunk back into inebriated silence. After the next outburst however, player Justin Lowry put two and two together. "He started going off, very loudly and like, out of ****ing nowhere, about how he had 'clicked post' before he went to the bathroom and so he should've be dealt in," recalled Lowry. "It didn't really hit me until he said something about having a time bank and how he could totally piss in under 2 minutes. Then I was like ****, this guy thinks he's playing online."

As the evening progressed, Alderdice displayed even clearer signs of his inability to distinguish between the online and physical versions of the game, including yelling 'raise any', 'call any', and 'fold to any bet' before action was anywhere near him; becoming frustrated when his chips did not move themselves to the center; not tipping the dealer and constantly wandering over to the cage to see how much money he had left in his 'account'.

"On one hand, I felt kind of bad for the guy," said player Mike Hutton, "but on the other hand, it was pretty ****ing funny. I mean, here's this guy who just keeps poking the rail like there are buttons there, who keeps talking out loud to himself and gets shocked when other people can hear him ... man."

" I've been pretty drunk before at a poker table," Hutton continued, "and like sometimes I'll forget what game I'm playing, like I'll confuse limit with no limit or forget I'm in a tournament. But I've never been so drunk that I tried to intentionally disconnect to activate all in protection in a live game

"I might be on tilt but calling that would just be retarded"

Final Table, Pokerevents weekly Freezeout in the Westwood.

Player1 (Button) raises 3rd time in a row on my BB.
Me: "You're not big enough to be pushing me around".
Player1: "What are you on about? I'm 6'4", you're only 5'8" - I'm much bigger than you".
Me: "You only think that because you're very close to yourself, and I'm far away. Besides, you look like Shrek, and cartoon characters don't scare me, I'm all in"
Player1: "****** ****** *** of a *****!!! *** you, CALL! I have AK! I DARE YOU TO OUTDRAW ME!!!!!"
Me: I won't. /flips over AA.

I actually leaked a bit of pee, I laughed that much.

"you can only use 2 from your hand" is still the best sentence ever heard at a poker table.

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Old story from Sporting Emporium, but still brilliant,
The Chief raises on a board of A 5 2 rainbow,
Bad Beat Joe, goes all in
Chief calls like a hot snot
Chief turns over A 6 off suit
Bad Beat Joe turns over A 5 for 2 pair

Turn blank river is a 6 to give Chief top 2 pair,
Chief shrugs and goes "that's Pokah"
Joe Screams back "THAT'S NOT POKAH THATS BOLLI**X"
and runs from Table,

The end of story is the organiser of the event went over to see if "Bad Beat Joe" is okay and spots him shaking his hands in the air announcing
"That Man is the ANTICHRIST"

LuckyLloyd wrote:

Dave Masters at the NSPC. Some dude with more chips than God raises into him pre - flop, Dave calls. Flop comes King high. They get some money in, Dave being the aggressor. Turn is an Ace. Sequence is something like Dave checks, dude bets and Dave moves in - to be greeted by an insta - call.

Other dude quickly flips over KK - Masters has AA!! Dave's hand holds up as it should. Dave stands up and triumphantly high - fives some loud and boozed up randomer watching the action (:o ) before turning to his victim with a smile and noting...

..."thats how we play Aces". :eek:

This is a joke. Anyone else doing this **** is called an arogant prick and thats what they are. Yet when its someone in the Boards little "clique" its hilarious!

Too much arse licking and double standards going on here IMO