Boyf got a call from another girl

sien · 12-02-2007 08:52AM #1

My head is wrecked on this one. So your opinions are welcome.
My boyf of 3 years got a call when we were in the car yesterday. This is the conversation:
He said "Hello" A girl says "Can you talk?" He says " I don't know you may ask Tom about that" Then he hits the hang up button on the sly and keeps saying "Hello hello hello" as if he'd been cut off.
He had gone white in the face so I knew there was something up. So I asked who was that? He said it was his "brother or something" I said "or something it was either your brother or it wasn't?" He just kept saying "I don't know who it was" I got really annoyed and start shouting at him to tell me now who it was. He start to sweat, then he admitted that it was a girl asking could he talk and he panicked and hung up on her.
He says he doesn't know who it was and that it must be a wrong number and that it was stupid what he said on the phone but he just panicked because there was a strange girl on the phone.
He is saying he panicked because about 2 years ago I caught him calling and texting two other girls and we split up for 6 months. And he says he was in bits from the night before because he'd been out drinking and that, and thats why he wasn't thinking straight.
I am extremely suspisious but the only thing is that we go everywhere together and we live together so I don't know when he'd have the time to be seeing someone else. I'm absolutely shocked that this is after happening again, he really seemed to have changed.
Am I reading too much into this call?

Red Alert · 12-02-2007 10:01AM

Depends. I have proportionally more female friends than is normal for a guy my age - just how things panned out. One ex had big issues if they rang me or whatever.

Could also have been an ex- he didn't want to talk to. I once got an email from an ex- that was full of recriminations etc, long after we broke up and cut contact. It was actually a bit scary at the time.

You may be reading too much into the call, I would say drop it.

Dreamer 7 · 12-02-2007 10:20AM

I would not drop it for a second. "Can you talk?" implies that she knows bout you so he must have been talking to her at some stage, if there was nothing going on he would have said who is this etc. Get the number from his fone and ask her yourself becoz it doesnt sound like he is gonna tell you the truth

sien · 12-02-2007 10:33AM

It's a new number so an ex wouldn't have it. And if an ex was calling him he should tell me and not be hiding it. If it was a female friend why did he lie and say it was his brother and hang up and pretend he was still talking on the phone???
I took his phone and it was a private number she called from.

humanji · 12-02-2007 10:42AM

As is said in many other threads in this forum, a relationship can't exist without trust, and you don't trust him. You may be quite justified, especially since you broke up for the same thing before. I seriously doubt this will have a happy ending. Reconsider your relationship, it may be time to move on.

jcoote · 12-02-2007 10:51AM

well if he is talking to other girls maybe he is unfulfilled or bored with your relationship.that might be something for u to discuss wit him.

i have to say if my gf was doin it i'd confront her and if she was serious about us she would give it up or at least be straight wit me.

hopefully he's not messin about on you anyway

sien · 12-02-2007 11:00AM

he's suppose to be serious because we have a 2 year old child together and we are engaged to be married.
I just can't figur out where and when he met someone else.

cold_filter · 12-02-2007 11:06AM

hey trust me, when i had a serious girlfriend i met somebody else, would you beleive it at my bus stop, we were both going to college and things went from there, we seen each other at the bus stop everyday just got chatting and it went from there, chances are its probably an ex, but either way it sound like she knows about you, just have a talk to him and see what he says

dame · 12-02-2007 11:09AM

He is cheating on you.

You said he'd said he was in bits from the night before when he was out drinking. You don't go everywhere together then and it is possible that he met up with her the night before.

I'm sorry to say this but if he did this before and is now doing it again then you really do need to reconsider your relationship. Marrying a man you don't trust is one of the biggest mistakes you could make. I work with mostly men and as far as I can see, very few change their (cheating) ways once they get married. A break-up could be the best thing all round for you, your child and your fiance.

Femelade · 12-02-2007 11:11AM

Could he have met a girl at work? I would be suspicious, but i am a very suspicious person anyway. I really do hope he is not messing you around, especially when ye have a child.

sien · 12-02-2007 11:16AM

I was with him the night before, we came home early and I went to bed and he stayed up drinkng cans.
I don't know what to think. He'll never admit it if there is someone else because he never admitted it the last time he was getting calls from a girl , he convinced me they were just friends until I rang her myself and she knew nothing about me or our daughter. She was shocked. She said she hadn't seen him in a while but they had been ringin and texting and sending pic msgs to one another. But of course he never told me any of this and never would have.
Just don't want to be accussing him in the wrong, even though it is very suss.

AnonoBoy · 12-02-2007 11:17AM

Ok it doesn't sound too promising alright but I'm going to play Devil's Advocate for a minute here.

When I ring people on mobiles and it sounds like they're busy (driving, at work, whatever) I usually ask 'Can you talk?', so it doesn't automatically mean it was someone who knew you could be around.

The fact that he hung up however is pretty suspect.

I have to say though that you sound very insecure

I am extremely suspisious but the only thing is that we go everywhere together and we live together so I don't know when he'd have the time to be seeing someone else.

I just can't figure out where and when he met someone else.

You make yourself sound like you go everywhere together with him because you're afraid that if you don't he'll go off and cheat on you. If you really think he's going to do it then why are you still with him? And if you smother someone like this then you can sometimes start pushing them away.

Also you were shouting at him while he's driving the car - makes you come off as a bit of a possessive crazy girl.

Sounds to me like you don't trust him one bit (and probably rightly so). You gotta ask yourself, why are you with this guy?

sien · 12-02-2007 11:19AM

Femmy wrote:

Could he have met a girl at work? I would be suspicious, but i am a very suspicious person anyway. I really do hope he is not messing you around, especially when ye have a child.

Thats the only place I can think of. He works 50 miles away from our home so I'd never know. But it is on a building site and there's not many girls around there, only in the office I'd imagine.

Femelade · 12-02-2007 11:27AM

sien wrote:

Thats the only place I can think of. He works 50 miles away from our home so I'd never know. But it is on a building site and there's not many girls around there, only in the office I'd imagine.

well it wouldnt take "many" girls on the building site, just one would do it...and like you said , there might be a site office down there. female engineers are becoming more common everyday. There's nothing you can do now really, just wait and keep your eyes and ears open for any other hints that something might be happening...you could have got it all wrong too, so be careful with what you are accusing him off unless you have concrete evidence.

sien · 12-02-2007 11:28AM

AnonoBoy wrote:

Ok it doesn't sound too promising alright but I'm going to play Devil's Advocate for a minute here.

When I ring people on mobiles and it sounds like they're busy (driving, at work, whatever) I usually ask 'Can you talk?', so it doesn't automatically mean it was someone who knew you could be around.

The fact that he hung up however is pretty suspect.

I have to say though that you sound very insecure

You make yourself sound like you go everywhere together with him because you're afraid that if you don't he'll go off and cheat on you. If you really think he's going to do it then why are you still with him? And if you smother someone like this then you can sometimes start pushing them away.

Also you were shouting at him while he's driving the car - makes you come off as a bit of a possessive crazy girl.

Sounds to me like you don't trust him one bit (and probably rightly so). You gotta ask yourself, why are you with this guy?

I don't think I'm the crazy on I think it's him. I've never cheated on anyone in my life. The reason I shouted was because he kept saying he didnt know who he was after talking to on the phone, even though he first said it was his brother and then said he didnt know who it was even though he replied "i don't know u better ask tom" so it was obvious there was something going on. He just kept saying I dont know who it was, would u not get mad and raise ur voice? Why would he reply that to a so called complete stranger? It wasn't as if I was shouting my head off at him, as soon as he told me it was a girl I left it at that til we got home
I then told him to tell me she is or leave, but yet again he said he didn't know who it was. I've been through this before with him.

I'm not possevive I often tell him to go play golf with his brothers or go watch the match with his dad but he never wants to go unless I go too.

_blank_ · 12-02-2007 11:33AM

Who is Tom?

Kintarō Hattori · 12-02-2007 11:43AM

As a matter of interest OP do you suffer from jealousy? Has your boyfriend ever spoke to you about it?
The reason I ask is my GF suffers from shockingly bad jealousy and if I were in the same situation as your BF I might very well try to cover up the fact that another woman had just called me. I would NEVER cheat on her as I love her deeply but it wouldn't be worth the hassle.

sien · 12-02-2007 11:52AM

Tom is another brother. So what he was doing was planning on telling me it was his brother dave, so thats why he said u better ask tom.
Then he got off the phone,white as a ghost,and said it was his brother "dave or something," I said it was "either dave or it wasn't,what did they want", he said he didnt know what they wanted, i said why did u tell him to ask tom if u dont know what he said. He got all muddled then and start saying he didnt know who it was. He went on and on that he didn't know, he was getting very aggetated.
Eventually telling me it was a girl.
So if he had nothing to hide, why pretend it was his brother and why slyly hang up. Thats what I dont understand.

sien · 12-02-2007 11:58AM

eo980 wrote:

As a matter of interest OP do you suffer from jealousy? Has your boyfriend ever spoke to you about it?
The reason I ask is my GF suffers from shockingly bad jealousy and if I were in the same situation as your BF I might very well try to cover up the fact that another woman had just called me. I would NEVER cheat on her as I love her deeply but it wouldn't be worth the hassle.

Thats the thing I'm not a jealous person at all and I trusted him 100% untill I found out about those 2 girls two years ago. Thats when the trust went out the window, but I've been slowly learnin to trust him again until this happened.
I'd love it if I was wrong about this but I don't want to be made a fool out of again.
Why couldn't he just talk to this girl infornt of me if there was nothing to hide. The way he acted has me thinking there's something goin on. If he has girls ringn him that I dont know about, what does that say?

_blank_ · 12-02-2007 12:00PM

You sound a bit confused.

In your first post you said you heard a girl, and what she said.

Now you are saying that you had to pester him into telling you it was a girl?

OLDYELLAR · 12-02-2007 12:01PM

Well Id have to say if ya dont trust the guy , what the hells the point in going out with him ?
Anyway just ask him why he was so sly ask him why he tried to imply it was his brother , Im not trying to be mean but people on this site do not know why your bf would be acting weird your goina have to ask him straight up . His 1st answer of going white and blaming it on the night before sounds like crap "Can you talk" If its meant to be an honest relationship why couldnt he talk in front of you.

Maybe were all wrong and its a great romantic suprise for Valentines .............Somehow I doubt that.

The moral of the story anyway if you cant ask him this stuff out straight and think he may be having it away behind your back well then theres really no point in continuing with the relationship , it may sound extreme to dump him but theres plenty more fish in the sea and plenty of fellas that you could trust and wouldnt be having bullsh*t hush hush telephone conversations in front of ya.

sien · 12-02-2007 12:09PM

seansouth wrote:

You sound a bit confused.

In your first post you said you heard a girl, and what she said.

Now you are saying that you had to pester him into telling you it was a girl?

I'm not confused at all. Read the first post again. I never said I heard the girl. Ijust stated what had been said on the phone call because I now know what was said becuase he eventually told me.
I didn't know it was a girl at the time, I just knew there was something up becuase he went white as a ghost and said "it was his brother or something".

jubi lee · 12-02-2007 12:18PM

he's up to something plain and simple. you know the signs yourself since he did it before.

it could be an ex...how would she get his number??? he gave it to her probably. if she rings asking 'can you talk' then as others have said she knows it's difficult for him to talk if ur around.

you know it was a girl... why would he say to her 'you'll have to ask Tom' if he didn't know her??? come girl wake up would ya!!!

I'd sit him down, be extremely calm and tell him you know he lied about who she was and that you want him to explain the whole situation to you regardless, otherwise you are getting your daughter and leaving.

if the guy has balls he'll admit to whatever is going on... and if nothing is going on then you'll find that out aswell.

you know him the best... do you think he's cheating????

sien · 12-02-2007 12:25PM

jubi lee wrote:

he's up to something plain and simple. you know the signs yourself since he did it before.

it could be an ex...how would she get his number??? he gave it to her probably. if she rings asking 'can you talk' then as others have said she knows it's difficult for him to talk if ur around.

you know it was a girl... why would he say to her 'you'll have to ask Tom' if he didn't know her??? come girl wake up would ya!!!

I'd sit him down, be extremely calm and tell him you know he lied about who she was and that you want him to explain the whole situation to you regardless, otherwise you are getting your daughter and leaving.

if the guy has balls he'll admit to whatever is going on... and if nothing is going on then you'll find that out aswell.

you know him the best... do you think he's cheating????

I honsetly dont know if he is cheating, or if he is just still ringing an ex on the sly or what is going on? I was absolutley shocked the last time it happened too, he hid it so well for a whole year before I found out.
I have had a talk with him but he just keeps saying "I know it sounds bad but I honestly dont know who she was" He'll never admit it, if there is something.
Just wanted to hear a few more opinions on the situation to make sure I'm not been paranoid.

dame · 12-02-2007 12:44PM

You've been going out for three years and you found out two years ago that he'd been doing that on the sly for a year. That means that right from the start he was never one hundred percent committed to your relationship. Daughter or not, if the relationship is not right then you need to get out. Get answers from him and then make your decision. He got away with it before (in that you took him back), so he might be scared of losing you but that hasn't stopped him at his old tricks. Leave and go home for a few days and demand answers. This may wake him up a bit and he may be more forthcoming with the truth when you are no longer there. If you are not satisfied with the answers or find out that he has definitely got something to hide then you do need to seriously think about not going back.

PS: If you do leave don't refuse him (or your daughter) access to each other. It's not fair.

jubi lee · 12-02-2007 12:48PM

ah yeah i had an ex like that... wouldn't admit it until i got up to leave and said that was it and i couldn't take it anymore and that if he had told me the truth , i would know what i'm dealing with and maybe we could have worked something out but that i wasn't going to stand for anymore lies.... he soon admitted it.(he'd been denying anything was going on for a few months)

you will either have to turn a blind eye or do yourself and more importantly ur little child a favour and make a decision to stop being with someone who ya don't trust

dellas1979 · 12-02-2007 12:57PM

Ok. I dont think alot of the posters here are being fair to the OP.

If that happened with my partner and I was suspicious, I would have it out with him too. That doesnt make me a crazy or jealous person.

Trust? She is confused if she trusts him or not - of course she is. A phone call happening like this is unusual.

My advice is, dont say a word, dont look at him crooked, dont mention this again. Just be a bit more aware. If unusual incidences keep happening and no valid explanation is given, then you need to start getting into deeper thoughts.

Sorry, but I cant stand dishonest people and I would have reacted the very same way as you.

sien · 12-02-2007 12:59PM

dame wrote:

You've been going out for three years and you found out two years ago that he'd been doing that on the sly for a year. That means that right from the start he was never one hundred percent committed to your relationship. Daughter or not, if the relationship is not right then you need to get out. Get answers from him and then make your decision. He got away with it before (in that you took him back), so he might be scared of losing you but that hasn't stopped him at his old tricks. Leave and go home for a few days and demand answers. This may wake him up a bit and he may be more forthcoming with the truth when you are no longer there. If you are not satisfied with the answers or find out that he has definitely got something to hide then you do need to seriously think about not going back.

PS: If you do leave don't refuse him (or your daughter) access to each other. It's not fair.

I have sent him home to his parents until he decides to tell me the truth. I'm not goin to stop him seeing our daughter. I wouldn't do that.
But the last time I left him, I told him u either tell me the truth or leave and he still wouldn't admit it. He never did admit it becuase he knew if he told me the whole truth I'd never go back near him.
He lied for months on end that time, untill i rang the girl myself.
This time there is no number to ring, and it seems the girl knows about me with her saying"can u talk" so she prob wouldn't tell me anyway.

_blank_ · 12-02-2007 01:04PM

One minute here.

You told him to leave until he tells the truth?

What are you willing to accept is the 'truth'?

You said earlier that you didn't know if he was cheating or not, so if he tells you he's not, will you believe him?

Or will you only believe if he tells you he's seeing another girl behind your back?

sien · 12-02-2007 01:08PM

seansouth wrote:

One minute here.

You told him to leave until he tells the truth?

What are you willing to accept is the 'truth'?

You said earlier that you didn't know if he was cheating or not, so if he tells you he's not, will you believe him?

Or will you only believe if he tells you he's seeing another girl behind your back?

I'll believe an explanation, any reasonable explanation.
I won't believe his excuse of "I don't know who she is" Thats aload of bull.

Trinity · 12-02-2007 01:14PM

I think the OP is right here sorry guys. I find it suspicious behaviour too and i wouldnt allow any boyfriend of mine to insult my intelliegence with an 'I dont know' bull **** story. She knows him, shes spent 3 years with him - she knows what his reactions mean and the look on his face.

Not saying he is cheating but i dont think he is being 100% honest for whatever reason and if you ask me, it is HIM that instilled the mistrust in to the relationship in the first place.

By sending him home till he tells the 'truth' OP you already know what it is dont you. Your gut instinct was right the first time why wouldnt it be right again?

Your boyfriend brought this on himself by decieving you the first time around. Taking him back was your decision so dont beat yourself up for giving him another chance that time. But think carefully about the next time. Fool me once shame on you - fool me twice shame on me.

So what if he does admit the truth - that he was talking to a girl. May not be cheating, but lying and sneaking around for whatever reason is terrible thing to do on your partner. Are you going to give him another chance?

Ask yourself honestly - do you trust him? And if the answer is no then you have a whole other problem to deal with.

I hope everything works out ok for you and your little one.

Boyf got a call from another girl

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