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Boyf got a call from another girl

24

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,240 ✭✭✭✭Fanny Cradock


    dame wrote:
    He is cheating on you.

    You said he'd said he was in bits from the night before when he was out drinking. You don't go everywhere together then and it is possible that he met up with her the night before.

    I'm sorry to say this but if he did this before and is now doing it again then you really do need to reconsider your relationship. Marrying a man you don't trust is one of the biggest mistakes you could make. I work with mostly men and as far as I can see, very few change their (cheating) ways once they get married. A break-up could be the best thing all round for you, your child and your fiance.

    You sound extremely bitter, dame. Your resolute assertion the guy is definitely guilty and your asinine statement regarding the men in your work place and their ‘cheating ways’ makes me wonder have you been hurt before.

    However, the above rant aside, I do think his behaviour seems very suspicious, but it is possible that he is planning a surprise for Valentines or some such. Whatever the truth, I really don’t think you’ll find the answers here; it's not about peoples hunches or past experiences, so no one here can answer your question as to what the hell is goin on.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,623 ✭✭✭dame


    You sound extremely bitter, dame. Your resolute assertion the guy is definitely guilty and your asinine statement regarding the men in your work place and their ‘cheating ways’ makes me wonder have you been hurt before.

    However, the above rant aside, I do think his behaviour seems very suspicious, but it is possible that he is planning a surprise for Valentines or some such. Whatever the truth, I really don’t think you’ll find the answers here; it's not about peoples hunches or past experiences, so no one here can answer your question as to what the hell is goin on.

    No I haven't been hurt, but I have seen so many men cheating and it doesn't bother them. It's almost as if, well everyone's doing it, so what, it happens. I know some of their wives/fiancees/girlfriends and if asked I would tell them straight what I know and have seen with my own eyes. I don't feel it's my place to interfere otherwise and go telling them. Having one night stands is one thing but I also know some who are having long-term affairs, and usually this is with girls in work. I know one of the girls very well and asked her why she keeps seeing this particular man when she knows he's a married man with a child (she knows his wife and has seen his child). She answered that he obviously wasn't happy in his relationship if he was willing to risk it so she saw nothing wrong in her going out with him as there must be trouble there already. It's been an open secret at work for a few years and nobody tells his wife. This same man still hits on other girls from time to time and the "mistress" turns a blind eye most of the time but occassionally gets very jealous.

    I have seen so many that cheat on girlfriends and continue to do so once they're married, even though often they protest how much they love their wives and that they'd never want to hurt them/leave them etc. They've gotten away with it before and they see it as just something that happens when men go out. By the way, I've also seen women coming onto men wearing wedding rings. They see it as a perfect way to have a sneaky affair cos he's not likely to tell.

    Of course I've seen plenty of good and faithful men too (and luckily I have found one myself), but from what I have seen a man who cheats once is very likely to do so again.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,333 ✭✭✭Zambia


    This happened to me I was cheating .....

    You either trust him or you dont you cannot monitor another human 24/7.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 37,214 ✭✭✭✭Dudess


    Sien, if there's one thing I've learned, it's to trust my instincts. Your gut feeling is there for a reason. Don't ignore it. You've every reason to be suspicious - the whole episode sounds extremely suspect. I'm not a paranoid person. I don't read into things just because I've decided that I should. I only get concerned about something when my instincts tell me that something's up - and I'm usually right.
    You poor thing, what a horrible situation to be in. I think maybe you should have it out with him. But being 100% clear on everything before doing so. Don't leave a single stone unturned when it comes to backing yourself up. If this means maybe writing a few things down to get them clear in your head, then so be it. But don't keep the bit of paper and show it to him - that would be a bit much! And do give him the benefit of the doubt at the same time - he may not have been up to anything. But it seems far too suspect. His pretending to be cut off, his inability to decide whether it was his brother or a girl, his paleness and shakiness - come on!


  • Posts: 22,785 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Have you any evidence other than this call?
    Are you insecure normally? Shouting and roaring at him driving if this is the only evidence of an affair as others have said indicates this.
    Could have been anyone ringing about something he didn't at least for now want you knowing about eg a surprise or something medical or gambling debts or any number of things.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,303 ✭✭✭✭event


    no one here can say he is or isnt cheating

    the opening post is very biased, the OP already believes he is cheating. A lot of posters are reading into it and already saying he is definately cheating.

    At the end of the day, it makes no difference OP. If he continues to keep the same story, you will stay apart and he will stay in his parents. If he tells you that he was cheating, you will probably dump him, so either way its over. If he gives you the most believable story ever, you still wont believe him.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    People dont all act the same, but it is very suspicious.

    My partner got a call once from a girl (I was in the same room at the time). He was saying "Who?" "When?", "sorry I dont know......" all this in the conversation.

    When he finished, he looked confused and uncomfortable. Anyways, he proceeded to tell me that some young girl had rang and said " This is Nicola from last night.....do you want to meet up?".

    She apparently had met him in a pub in Dublin the previous night. Well, we live no where near Dublin and we were out ourselves in the local that night.

    A few minutes later the phone rang again......same girl. he said to her "look I dont know how you got this number, but this isnt the guy you are looking for........."

    That was the end of it. But my point being, if he had been all cagey and unusual about this call, I would have been annoyed with him. I mean, why hide something if it is nothing to be worried about?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭Kell


    Dreamer 7 wrote:
    I would not drop it for a second. "Can you talk?" implies that she knows bout you so he must have been talking to her at some stage,

    No it doesnt. The first thing one of my sister asks me when she calls is "can you talk" as do most of my female friends.

    Assuming it was innocent, the OP would have been gone out the car window if she had started firing at me like the way she described. OP- bear in mind that he was caught before when doing the dirt so any call he gets from any woman he is going to shít his pants because he thinks you are going to assume (and rightly) that he is doing the dirt.

    So lets consider-

    A) He is being honest. I would quit the tone with him. Seriously, if someone started making demands of me and who I talk to like the way you describe, you'd be out the fúcking door and pronto. Be NICE and treat him like a human being and suggest that you are finding it difficult to trust a vague answer and you would like a specific one. Putting rules and parameters on how and when you want your answer is going to antagonise him

    B) He is doing the dirt. Dump his sorry áss

    Your tone implies you dont trust him so you need to ask yourself two questions-

    1) If I dont trust him, what the fúck am I doing wasting my time with a tosser?

    2) Is time spent with this ásshole preventing me from meeting someone that will treat me with decency and respect?

    Theres no point coming on here wondering about what he is up to, its not going to help you. What will help is coming up with a plan to alleviate your situation and then doing it.

    K-


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 37,214 ✭✭✭✭Dudess


    Remember, the guy had been texting other girls earlier in the relationship. I'm not saying a leopard can't change its spots, but on the other hand, it shows that he's capable of doing what the OP suspects him of doing.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 336 ✭✭geuro


    Hi Sien

    Guess im telling you what you already know here, but i would say he is definately up to something.

    Whether or not he is having a physical relationship with somebody else is uncertain, but i would be pretty sure he is being unfithful to one extent or another.

    I had a gf before and i was having sex fantasies on the sly with a girl i met online. Used to ring her up and talk dirty and so on, and the understanding was that we were never to ring one another unless we met and agreed online first. One day she rang me and my gf was in the room. I heard her voice and hung up immediately, i was shaken and probably pale and made some ridiculous excuse about the line going dead. i denied i knew what was going on and my gf believed me. I never had any intention of letting it get out of hand like it did, i never would have cheated on gf, and after this scare i never did it again.

    Im probably going on a bit, but the point is that he is not being honest with you, at least i dont think so. He may not be having a physical relationship or phone sex or internet sex or whatever, what he is doing behind your back only he knows, but you definately need to get the truth out of him before you can relax again.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 938 ✭✭✭chuci


    i think relatioships are built on trust and it appears that you have no in this person who is the father of your child and the man that you are going to marry? i understand that the first time you agreed to get back together may have had something to do with your kid which is very understandable. but you obv dont trust him why agree to marry him? i think if he has done this before then you are only fooling yourself to what he is up to really imho. good luck though with whatever you decide


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 291 ✭✭imeatingchips




  • Closed Accounts Posts: 18 sien


    Thanks for all the replies.
    I honestly am not some crazy jealous possessive girl.
    That phone call brought up memories from the past. He acted the very same as he did on the call that got him caught 2 years ago.
    Thats why I shouted at him, I was filled with anger known something was going on again.
    I was talking to him on the phone about an hour ago, he is still insisting that he doesn't know who the girl was. He can be so convincing. I hate not knowing.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 744 ✭✭✭cold_filter


    kinda the obvious thing but get his phone back to the date and tim of call, if its a number then maybe he is telling the truth, if its a girls name call her and see what she says


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 18 sien


    kinda the obvious thing but get his phone back to the date and tim of call, if its a number then maybe he is telling the truth, if its a girls name call her and see what she says
    Did that. She rang from a private number. Which convinces me even more that there is something going on.
    He saves alot people in under initals of just one letter. The girl from before for instance he had her saved in as "s".


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,623 ✭✭✭dame


    It might be a bit excessive but you could always hide the number from his phone and call all the numbers saved as initials and hang up when you recognise the voice or say "Oh sorry , wrong number" or something. When a girl answers you can then decide if you'd like to ask her anything. This is going to keep bugging you until you find out what happened and if he's cheating or not. He probably knows that the only reason you got proof last time was because you got the number and rang the girl. This time he knows you don't have a number and so he thinks if he just brazens it out long enough then you'll eventually let it go. Only you know if you forget this incident, trust him again and continue your relationship.

    (Edited to correct spelling of brazens)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    sien wrote:
    He had gone white in the face so I knew there was something up. So I asked who was that? He said it was his "brother or something" I said "or something it was either your brother or it wasn't?"

    I'm sorry Sien but this "brother or something" business is nonsense. It's like someone telling you they are "kind of pregnant", you either are or you aren't, likewise no gray areas when it comes to his brother phoning.

    I would be VERY concerned about him having people saved in his phone as an initial though, no innocent explanations there I am afraid.

    I do think kicking him out until he "decides to tell you the truth" isn't such a great idea, he may have already told you the truth, on the other hand he may be a lying scumbag. All in all, any posts here are merely speculative and only he will be able to tell you the truth. I'd try and arrange to meet up and have a chat if possible. You need to get to the bottom of this either way, hoping for your sake it is perfectly innocent. If it is, you really need to work on trust issues though, jealousy can destroy a relationship.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,354 ✭✭✭secret_squirrel


    dame wrote:
    It might be a bit excessive but you could always hide the number from his phone and call all the numbers saved as initials and hang up when you recognise the voice or say "Oh sorry , wrong number" or something.

    1. Yes that is excessive, there's no might about it.

    2. How exactly do you expect her to recognise a voice she barely heard, and had to get confirmation from the BF its was a woman? Anyone who thinks they could identify the tinny sound from a mobile a couple of feet away down to one particular voice is fooling themselves.

    You are really giving some shíte advice in this thread imo. Whats your motive?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,623 ✭✭✭dame


    I know she wouldn't recognise the person who made that phone call, she said she didn't even know it was a girl until he admitted it was. I was suggesting that if she calls the numbers saved as just an initial and then recognises the voice of a girl she knows (friend of theirs, work colleague, acquaintance), then that would possibly indicate that there could be something suspicious about him saving her number under an initial. That is what he did in the past after all. She is right to be suspicious considering his past history and shiftiness in this instance and there is no point sitting stewing without trying to do something to reassure herself/prove herself wrong, etc.

    Squirrel, have you anything that may help the OP (reassure her she's wrong/right/suggest something to help her feel she's doing something proactive on this) to contribute yourself, rather than complaining about other people's posts?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I got a call from a girl once... it was a wrong number... anyone here ever get a call from a wrong number ???


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,354 ✭✭✭secret_squirrel


    dame wrote:
    trying to do something to reassure herself/prove herself wrong, etc.

    Making her look like a complete psychotic isnt helpful - especially with no achievable aim.

    By suggesting to her that some advice on here is crap (imo) I am helping her (again imo). The mods will soon slap me if Im out of line.

    The OP has already taken actions that will have massive consequences if she is wrong. Now it seems that from what she has said there might be something going on, however several posters have pointed out alternative scenarios.

    In my opinion the OP has already made enough of a statement for now. She needs to try to calm down and see how the BF reacts to what she has done so far. In case he is innocent the last thing she needs to do is stir things up even further. She may get over her current turbulent feelings, and actually act coldly and rationally, as she is not currently capable of doing.

    OP give it a week to see what happens. Try to get some distance and perspective on this issue. Quite frankly - you dont seem in any state of mind to make life changing decisions, and you are already going to have to live with the ones you have made so far.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,623 ✭✭✭dame


    achievable aim.

    Finding out who are the people he has saved as an initial.
    Never said it was right, in fact said it might be a bit excessive.

    I personally wouldn't trust him to tell the truth considering he didn't before, but that's just my opinion (which comes from seeing plenty of cheaters continuing on their merry way).

    You're right about the needing to take time to consider what's next though.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,442 ✭✭✭✭jesus_thats_gre


    dame wrote:
    It might be a bit excessive but you could always hide the number from his phone and call all the numbers saved as initials and hang up when you recognise the voice or say "Oh sorry , wrong number" or something. When a girl answers you can then decide if you'd like to ask her anything. This is going to keep bugging you until you find out what happened and if he's cheating or not. He probably knows that the only reason you got proof last time was because you got the number and rang the girl. This time he knows you don't have a number and so he thinks if he just brazens it out long enough then you'll eventually let it go. Only you know if you forget this incident, trust him again and continue your relationship.

    (Edited to correct spelling of brazens)


    Hahahaah I bet you are a dream to go out with.. FFS like.. It is obviously very plausable that your man is up to something. However, what we are being told is just one side of the story. That story is also being fueled by past experiences, paranoia, jealously and 4 or 5 crazy man haters that have posted on this thread. Honestly, how some of you come to the conclusions that you have done is beyond comprehension.

    The mindset of a person 6 or 12 months into a relationship is very different to the mindset of a person who is 3 years into a relationship, engaged to be married, living with their partner and has a child with their partner. To say he done it before and use that as justification for saying he could do it again is a joke as there is always so much more to these things.

    To the OP, thread carefully as you could be completely wrong and as such, risk ****ing up what could be a good relationship and possibly a good family in the long term.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,365 ✭✭✭hunnymonster


    Is "can you talk" not the first question of every telephone conversation? Is it not rude to assume that the person you are calling can drop everything to talk to you? OP, I wouldn't be worried about that question at all.


    On the other hand, I would be concerned that he has not given you a reasonable explaination as to who was calling. Maybe he just clammed up because you appear to have lost the plot over this or maybe there is some real reason that he wants to hide the callers identity. Either way, a blazing row and throwing him out seems a bizzarre way of dealing with it.


    Thirdly, you know he cheated before, but 2 years later you should either have gotten over it or moved on. The man should be able to talk to whoever he wants without risking an explosion.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 18 sien


    Is "can you talk" not the first question of every telephone conversation? Is it not rude to assume that the person you are calling can drop everything to talk to you? OP, I wouldn't be worried about that question at all.


    On the other hand, I would be concerned that he has not given you a reasonable explaination as to who was calling. Maybe he just clammed up because you appear to have lost the plot over this or maybe there is some real reason that he wants to hide the callers identity. Either way, a blazing row and throwing him out seems a bizzarre way of dealing with it.


    Thirdly, you know he cheated before, but 2 years later you should either have gotten over it or moved on. The man should be able to talk to whoever he wants without risking an explosion.
    He can talk to whoever he wants. BUT if he turns white on a call infront of me and says it was his brother or something. What am I supposed to think. Obviously that meant he was lying and didn't want me to know who it was. And then to slyly hit the hang up button and to keep saying hello hello hello. Seriously, was I supposed to sit there and say nothing??? Then when I did question him he just kept saying he didn't know who it was and getting very aggetated. Would you not be curious if your partner did that?

    Anyway he came home last night to see our daughter, I CALMLY asked was he going to tell me who that girl was. He said yet again "I don't now who she is"
    So he slept in the spare room last night.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,581 ✭✭✭uberwolf




    Thirdly, you know he cheated before, but 2 years later you should either have gotten over it or moved on. The man should be able to talk to whoever he wants without risking an explosion.

    I imagine him chatting would have presented no issues whatsoever to the OP. It's when he didn't chat, tried some subterfuge and got caught that the issues arose.

    The man has form for this, and didn't admit it last time either.


  • Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Evelynn Microscopic Ox


    Hm. I think the OP may possibly be overreacting, but I do agree there's something fishy going on. I can't think of any other way to find out though, sorry.
    Has he not tried saying anything in his defense beyond "I don't know"? I mean obviously at this stage it's not working to convince you...
    Has he tried to sit and explain what was going through his head if he genuinely did react badly to a wrong number?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 362 ✭✭DaDa


    Let's for a minute assume the caller was someone he didn't recognise.

    If someone calls and asks me "can u talk"... and I don't recognise the voice... then I reply with "sorry, who is this?"

    one of 2 things then happens..

    it's a genuine wrong number and I say "sorry you have the wrong number"

    or

    it's not a wrong number, and the person clarifies who they are and I say "oh sorry, didn't recognize the voice for a minute", and we can get on with the call.

    The OP's boyfriend's reaction does not obviously fit either category.

    Why panic the way he did if he has nothing to hide?

    Your relationship does not sound healthy in any way.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 463 ✭✭greenkittie


    Once i got a call from the phone of a guy i had been dating for a couple of weeks, it was his girlfriend, she was phoning every female in his phone book. She seemed totally crazed to me but i was just glad i found out he wasn't actually single!


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,411 ✭✭✭HashSlinging


    Maybe it was one of the guys mates playing a prank caller type message, I know from past experience having caught a few people off with them, that there is one that sounds very like what the caller said. Anyway very interesting to see how paranoid someone gets over a simple call.

    He could have been orgainising a night out, are blokes not allowed to have female friends.

    SPA


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