Friend thinks I tried it on with her BF....

LegacyUser · 02-01-2007 01:44PM #1

Ok this is a long one and I apologise in advance.

Basically I work with one of my Best friends and at our crimbo party. her boyf arrived up. I was drunk and although I'm not his biggest fan we were having a bit of a laugh, me, him another colleague from work and his friend. His GF was up dancing. We were messing with my camera and his friend was taking pictures of us. it was all harmless, I am a bit of a flirt with drink but would never pursue anything (I have a BF of 8 yrs). Anyway we chatted for about 5 mins then I went to dance and didn't see him for the rest of the night. Hadn't heard from my friend over Christmas, I didnt think much of it as she was in the uk. I then got an abusive txt accusing me of trying to kiss her boyfriend and as she knows I'm not his biggest fan and therefore don't fancy him, so she believes I tried it on with him to cause trouble for them and split them up. She was abusive, threatened to slap me etc etc. I phoned her to talk to her as txting wasn't the answer. I denied it obviously as it didn't happen. He told her it had and has his friend backing him up.

Maybe I was too friendly - it was no different to how I would act with other friends boyfriends however, maybe it made him uncomfortable, I just don't know. However, he said I tried to kiss him on a number of occasions, pushing his head etc which is not true. The only physical contact was when he put his arms around me for a photo.

So the bottom line is she believes him and thinks that I am this malicious person out to ruin her life. We have had our problems over the past few months but only as we work together all day and I was recently promoted to being her boss which has made things worse.
They moved home from the uk (where he's from) a year ago and moved in with my mum for a few months till they got on their feet and got the deposit for a flat. I got her a job, I gave her loads of stuff when she moved into her place and could not have done any more to help her. I feel its a big kick in the teeth that she thinks I would do such a thing.

I don't know why he is saying this and am so upset I can't concentrate on anything or sleep. Clearly our friendship is now gone but the problem for me is work and the impact this will have on our mutual friends. Most are appalled by this and believe he's trying to cause trouble. Luckily my boyfriend knows its not true but it could easily have messed a lot of things up for me.

I just don't know what to say or do, She is back to work tomorrow and I am dreading facing her.
What do I do?

Kell · 02-01-2007 02:11PM

Upset2007 wrote:

What do I do?

Nothing. Stick to your guns as you know you did nothing wrong. He sounds like a class A fúcking moron and she sounds like she deserves him TBH.

K-

LegacyUser · 02-01-2007 02:51PM

'So do I act like nothing has happened? I am her boss and although not in the same office, I do interact with her a good bit during the day.'

py2006 · 02-01-2007 03:01PM

Thats a tough situation to be in alright! There is nothing more hurtful than been accused of something you didn't do!

I think the best thing to do is to carry on as normal in work. You have spoken to her and explained to her that you didn't do it so I wouldn't bother chasing after her.

She will soon realise the truth!

miamee · 02-01-2007 03:15PM

py2006 wrote:

Thats a tough situation to be in alright! There is nothing more hurtful than been accused of something you didn't do!

I think the best thing to do is to carry on as normal in work. You have spoken to her and explained to her that you didn't do it so I wouldn't bother chasing after her.

She will soon realise the truth!

I have to agree with this advice, try to carry on as normal and if she brings it up again deny it as calmly as you can. This bf of hers obviously told her you tried it on with the intention of causing trouble between you & her so don't let him. Eventually she should see that he is the one lying to her. After all you have done for her & him I hope she comes to realise it before she has lost you as a friend, you sound like a good one

gandalf · 02-01-2007 03:22PM

Well you know you're in the right. Stick to your guns, be professional and do you job as expected in work, giving her no quarter because of this issue. Sounds like you have been a good friend to her and its been blown out of proportion, I hope she comes to her senses.

Maybe the BF wants to end it with her but doesn't have the balls to say it straight?

Sully · 02-01-2007 03:36PM

py2006 wrote:

Thats a tough situation to be in alright! There is nothing more hurtful than been accused of something you didn't do!

I think the best thing to do is to carry on as normal in work. You have spoken to her and explained to her that you didn't do it so I wouldn't bother chasing after her.

She will soon realise the truth!

Agreed. Explain exactly what happened that night and assure her that you never touched him and would never. Point out your in a happy loving relationship with you bf for 8 years and would never try mess that up - espicaly coming onto a friends bf. You are happy in your relationship and would never hit on your friends bf as its not on. And conclude that this is nothing but the truth and your not liying. You will be there for her when she realises that your not liying, and you can be trusted but until then it upsets you to listen to her accusing you and makes you feel like crap (as she makes out she doesnt believe or trust you).

Good luck. Id say she will come to her senses when she calms down. The only problem is he has a friend to back him up - maybe confront him?

dodgyme · 02-01-2007 03:54PM

you have explained yourself, however why does his friend back him up. Did you at any point flirt with his friend or insult his friend or something. Seems nasty otherwise. I have had the odd woman come on at the auld christmas do but I never head off to tell my missus. Ya brush these things off and put it down to a bitta flirting and a few too many. However why did he say this and hurt his missus and you in the process. What are his motives, there must be more to gain then vanity based on lies.

LegacyUser · 02-01-2007 05:02PM

'I could understand if he said misinterpereted my friendliness as maybe more, Maybe he doesn't know me as well as I thought. But he has said that I tried to kiss him and asked him to kiss me which I did not. The only physical contact was his arm around me. I have proof of this on my camera but I feel I shouldn't have to go this far to prove my innocence. The other girl I work with was there also and said she'd stand by me and say nothing happened but I really don't want to involve her as she is close to both of us. I don't know what his friend is saying, its a work colleague of his and I'm not sure if he claims to have seen this or us talking or if he is saying his friend noticed it but hadn't.
Her boyf has turned her against another friend in a round about way and now she ignores her. From what I can remember, he claimed she said inappropriate things to him when drunk. She never confronted this other girl, just ignored txts and cut contact. I feel he may want to move back home and as she is not too keen, the less keeping her here the better. i.e get rid of the friends.'

dodgyme · 02-01-2007 06:24PM

Well I think you could be right. Selfishness is probably the motive alright and you telling her will do no good. Best thing for you then is to realise that this was an exception and that most people are good, that your girlfriend (and colleague) is been "had" aswell and be safe in your righteousness. It is really the only place you have now and get on with things in a straightforward manner. If the girl ever comes to her senses she will dump him but she needs to see that,... and that is no longer your problem. Infact they are no longer your problem per say. Yes she is difficult coz you are over here at work hence my advise above however as a couple you are lucky to be shot of them. Onwards and upwards even with sullied regret.

tbh · 02-01-2007 07:54PM

Whatever you do, don't apologise.

Don't apologise for the situation
Don't apologise for the misunderstanding
Don't apologise because your story is different to her b/fs

You've done nothing wrong, so you've nothing to apologise for. Bring her in, tell her that if you were in her postion, you'd feel like she does, but the fact is, nothing happened, and you are not going to discuss it anymore.

callmealan · 02-01-2007 08:24PM

Well, I'm afraid to say from my experience is that friendship nearly always gets the blame when relationships are involved. Love usually has rose tinted glasses! All you can do is maybe try to explain things when you see her next.

To look at it in a different light, friendships rely on trust and she clearly doesn't trust you 100% combined with probably being a little annoyed with you for getting the promotion. In time things will get back to normal.

If things go wrong with your friend and her bf, you will be the one she will probably go to first. Stick in there! If the bf is stirring sh-t like that, he will be found out soon enough! Don't get involved, Believe in Karma!

Alan

LegacyUser · 02-01-2007 10:36PM

'I really appreciate all your opinions. Am sick to the stomach about seeing her tomorrow as I really hate conflict but it has to be done I suppose. I just really hope it's not brought into work as something like this is not good for a persons reputation! When I got her the job, my boss had reservations and I assured him that we would not bring our personal life to work, I really hope thats the case this time!'

dodgyme · 03-01-2007 11:48AM

So how did it go today

LegacyUser · 03-01-2007 11:52AM

Haven't actually seen her yet, but have mailed her re: work items(as I normally would) and she seems to be ignoring them! Ah well what can I do!
Have decided to send e-mails so in case things get messy I have proof of asking etc.

Keyzer · 03-01-2007 03:07PM

This girl and her boyfriend sound like complete and utter idiots...

Be professional in work, dont get dragged into anything.
If you want to talk to her about it, ask her to go to lunch or something with you, do it outside the office.

If she continues to blank you and wont listen to your side of the story then you should have nothing to do with her outside work, and at that you must keep it 100% civilized and professional. The bitch could start HR bull**** that your bullying her or something just to get back at you for what she thinks you did.

dodgyme · 03-01-2007 03:22PM

ya watch out for the old HR trick. If she starts that it could be tough because HR people are only interested in the company looking good and seems to forget about their obligations to the staff. Likewise remember that she is in as vunerable position as you are because in her ignorance she thinks your wanted her boyfriend and perhaps have it in for her. So best thing for her would be to keep it clean as they say. However everytime I have had issues where keeping it clean should be the logic, it never was.

dodgyme · 03-01-2007 03:22PM

ya watch out for the old HR trick. If she starts that it could be tough because HR people are only interested in the company looking good and seems to forget about their obligations to the staff. Likewise remember that she is in as vunerable position as you are because in her ignorance she thinks your wanted her boyfriend and perhaps have it in for her. So best thing for her would be to keep it clean as they say. However everytime I have had issues where keeping it clean should be the logic, it never was.

Blazer · 03-01-2007 03:30PM

Upset2007 wrote:

Haven't actually seen her yet, but have mailed her re: work items(as I normally would) and she seems to be ignoring them! Ah well what can I do!
Have decided to send e-mails so in case things get messy I have proof of asking etc.

This is where you need to cut in.
If she's ignoring you emails you need to put a stop to it now.
Best way is to have a chat with her after work and put her straight.
Tell her "it's fine if she wants to believer her bf over her best mate, but if she brings those problems to work with her and it's interfering with your job it'll be time for her to get a new one".
If you don't put a stop to it now it will drag on and on and it will make your life a misery for months where u dread coming into work.
Believe me,,I went through 4 months of absolute torture (my own fault issue happened) but I let the work bit slide and it led to bad feelings within our group. Luckily enough we managed to patch things up soon after it came to a head in work and can still talk to each other.

LegacyUser · 03-01-2007 03:45PM

Ok, have got responses, short and to the point and on occasions a bit petty (i.e picked up on a typo) but at least thats something.
I get what you guys are saying about the bullying - she believes I was vindictive and tried to break them up so there's a good chance she may try be vindictive back. I just really have to be on guard I suppose.

Mrs_Doyle · 03-01-2007 04:51PM

Few yrs ago I went to a house party in my friends house for new years.
Her bloke is a scum bag and was openly flirting with me all night, in front of everyone.
I'll call her friend A.
Now you could consider what he was doing as no more then a bit of banter... if he hadn't actually tried to kiss me while his missus, my friend, was in the kitchen.
Another friend, friend B, witnessed some of what was happening and told me it was making her uncomfortable, and wanted to leave.
I was drunk, but not THAT drunk, and I knew damn well were she was coming from. The whole thing was incredibly inappropriate.
I had 2 choices, ruin everyones night by telling my friend A what had just happened, or just leave and put the whole thing down to too much drink.
So I agreed with her, and we decided to leave.
Everything was still fairly friendly at the party, although there was a hint of some tension as it was a case of, 'we all know something isn't right here, but rather then cause a row we'll all say nothing.'

Anyhow, it was about 2.30 or so, and Friend B walked out to the main road to get a taxi, and I followed behind her.
Friend A walked to the end of her road to see us off, and her bloke runs past her, towards me, and actually asked me for a new years kiss, and a good bye kiss.
Now at this stage I was really angry with him. Not only would he cheat on his girlfriend, but he would cheat on her with one of her friends, while she was no more then a few yards away.
I told him Friend A was right behind him, and that he should cop the fcuk on, and turned on my heel.

Hopped a taxi home, and then started to get txts on my phone from him, apologising for his behaviour.

I txted back saying he had behaved really badly, and if he ever did anything like that again I wouldn't hesitate to tell my mate.

Anyhows, as far as I was concerned that was the end of it.

Until 2 days later when I start getting txts from friend A, asking me did I try it on with her bloke, cos he says I did, and he also says i stored my number into his phone, and have been texting him ever since.

Ha, the joke was on me.

I was such a fool for not speaking up right there and then at the party, or for not speaking up at the taxi, or for texting him back at all.

It looked like I had completely encouraged the whole thing, and if it wasn't me doing the running, why wouldn't I tell = I looked like the guilty party.

Nothing I said made any difference, she had made up her mind.

We lost our friendship over that muppet, and my reluctance to 'stir the ****'.

That was a really long winded reply, I know, but I just wanted to let you know, your not the first person something like this has happened to, and you certainly wont be the last.

Best advice, don't get so close to someone else's guy, even if you think your just having a bit of harmless banter, cos it is never gonna end well.

dodgyme · 03-01-2007 05:04PM

Mrs doyle - mad stuff, why didnt he just shut up and leave it. I think you being considerate was correct on the night but you did start by saying he was a scumbag. I would question if you led him on or not but if your initially thought he was a scumbag I dont think this is the case - anyhow are they still together?

Mrs_Doyle · 03-01-2007 05:10PM

dodgyme wrote:

Mrs doyle - mad stuff, why didnt he just shut up and leave it. I think you being considerate was correct on the night but you did start by saying he was a scumbag. I would question if you led him on or not but if your initially thought he was a scumbag I dont think this is the case - anyhow are they still together?

Ah I am calling him a scum bag because of what happened, but at the time I didn't have too much of an opinion on him.
He never really came out with us, as the girls always had their own girlie holidays, and nights out, and the boys would do the same.
I didn't really know him all that well.

This all happened a few years ago now, but I have played the events over in my mind a million times.

When he started flirting, I played back, cos everyone was laughing, and it all seemed to be OK.
Looking back, that was my first mistake, my second mistake was not telling politely to back the fcuk off as soon as I considered his behaviour to be inappropriate.
Had that not worked then I probably should have either left there and then, or made it quite clear that I would have no problems telling my friend what he was up to.

EDIT - They are still together, and have actually bought a duplex together.
I still see them from time to time, as we have mutual friends, and we have been civil, but we will never be friends again.

I kinda think she knew it was him, and not me, but it was easier for her to blame me, then to face the fact that her boyfriend of 6 years (together since they were 14) was capable of cheating on her.

dodgyme · 03-01-2007 06:11PM

must be difficult seeing them every now and then. anyhow you live and learn.

custardcreams · 03-01-2007 07:38PM

tell her that you could easily have had him but that he is below average and a bore and that this type of person is more suitable to someone like her.

Request items you gave her back from her flat and keep utterly professional in your job until you get promoted to a parallel department away from the fooker.

She needs a harsh reality check and not the softly softly. If you assert yourself then she should see the ground she is floating on rise up to meet her face fast and hard. ****ing geebag that she is...i know the type ..drama queen im always right.

Sickeningly insecure and so asserting normally put these type of limping crippled turkeys back into line ..even if their you friend. Although from what you say it sounds like you are more of a work mate rather than mate mate and you obviously overlooked that in an attempt to play the road to damascus and be the good samaritan. When somebody helps someone out sometimes they resent it overtime. Might be this..especially if you are doing better than her in work and coming across as more stable in your own relationship. Follow up the reality check with a consulting type chat in public with no beer..outside of work if you want to have to continue. Otherwise move on with your life.

Jotter · 03-01-2007 07:55PM

yeah I agree next time she brings it up tell her youre disappointed that she thinks that of you but she can believe what she wants, keep it civil for work and if you havnt already told your boyf about this do it now bec if he gets wind of all this through someone else it could mean more explanations and defense which is not what you need right now - your friend already lost a friend through her boyf if shes prepared to let another go then let her - shell learn when her boyf f***s off in time - or when she has no mates left to lose

LegacyUser · 03-01-2007 09:20PM

We weren't just work mates, have been friends with her the past 12 yrs!
Not that you could tell!
Told my boyfriend immediatly about it and his response was "don't mind the f*ckers and don't do anything for her again!"
He knows I would never do it and knows I don't even like this guy!
Its gonna be awkward as we have the same group of friends and often go out as couples. Don't think my OH will stay calm when around them!

dodgyme · 04-01-2007 11:16AM

good to have your own bf's support. Keep us with the up dates.

sexkitten · 04-01-2007 12:17PM

I worked with a friend a couple of years ago and I found it very hard sometimes. Sometimes it was great but when we had a fight etc at home it made it hell to come into work. Not always a good idea.

dodgyme · 04-01-2007 01:07PM

As the morrissey song goes "best friend on the payroll, its not gonna workout". The fact about it is if you became friends thru work fine, if you employ someone coz they are friends - big no no! Only employee the friends you met if you engaged with them initially on a professional platform as a rule. Anyhow a dirty tactic if things get messy is to say he has been trying it on with you al the time and fight lies with lies however my advice would be to stick to the righteous path girls. you have lost your friend so dont lose your self respect by being bitter.

LegacyUser · 04-01-2007 02:56PM

I never thought for a second that when I was helping a friend by getting her the job that it would come back and bite me in the a*se! Ah well we all live and learn!
Have had more communication today, made a point of going to her office as I have no reason to hide but we have only spoke re work items.
I thinks its going to be a long silence and have come to the conclusion that its not worth the energy trying to prove my innocence or fighting to save the friendship as I'm not sure it was a true one in the first place.

Friend thinks I tried it on with her BF....

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