I havent slept with enough women but love my girlfriend and want to be with her

LegacyUser · 05-12-2006 02:21AM #1

hi,

Lately i've been getting the feelings that ive missed out and that i havent lived enough beforei settle down. I'm 26 and with a fantastic girl, shes lovely, good looking, nice , caring everything i could want. Yet i still feel like i have missed out on being with other girls.

I have always been in long relationships 2 both 4 yrs and apart from that ive only been with 3 other girls. When im out with friends and girls are chatting me up i do have thoughts about what it would be like to be with that girl or i wonder if im missing out.

My head is wrecked becuase im with this wondeful girl BUT i have these stupid thoughts!!! anyone have any advice or been in a similar mindset?

LegacyUser · 05-12-2006 10:06AM

Know exactly how you feel mate. It happens to everyone who is in a relationship at some point, I'd say. I mean, with a great relatioship there are sacrifices that you make. And abstaining from being with other girls is one of them. We may not like it all the time, but that's life I guess..

Sometimes, I feel afraid that I'll want to cheat someday, just so that I know I "won't be missing out", and to get it out of my system. Although, because I love my gf, I won't do this. But it's easy to think about it... and females just don't understand that for guys, sex is just sex, it doesn't have to be emotional. So I think it's a lot easier for us to have these thoughts, and to want a couple of one night stands here and there, just so we know we aren't "missing out". Then we have our lovely girlfriend to go back to...

THing is though - and I'm lucky to have this - is that I was single for ages, and ... well, it's not what you think it'd be. It can be frustrating, lonely, and often those girls who flirt with you and seem to want to be with you, they are sometimes not what they seem. Many just like flirting and having fun, and when it comes to the crunch they often aren't up for it.. or could even have boyfriends. A lot of them are total head wreckers too, and you're a lot happier off with a decent girlfriend who loves you, and who you understand. Not someone who is out to knock back your ego...

SO basically, yeah, single life seems attractive. But it's not a place I want to be again. Still... sometimes I'd like to have the best of both worlds as well, and I understand where you're coming from (the girls on this forum will give us a helluva bashing for these posts heheh)..

CathyMoran · 05-12-2006 10:12AM

It is not just men who feel this way! In the end of the day when you have met the right person it is not worth messing it up for these feelings, you are already the cats who have the cream so why spoil it.

padser · 05-12-2006 10:38AM

Why dont you go off occassionally with the lads and play the field a little. Nothing serious just a couple of one night stands etc. As Lovefool said, for lads sex can be just sex and have no emotion attached. Girls can never understand this, but at the same time what they dont know cant hurt them.

Also if you do this, in a perverse way it could end up being good for your relationship as when you wouldnt be harbouring thoughts like 'I havnt slept with enough women' and 'what am i missing out on'.

Its just a thought, wouldnt work for everyone, and im sure the women here on the forum will try to hang me for suggesting it, but it might work for you?

Beruthiel · 05-12-2006 10:48AM

padser wrote:

Its just a thought, wouldnt work for everyone, and im sure the women here on the forum will try to hang me for suggesting it

I'm sure there's actually a few men who would like to also

Seriously, that's got to be the most underhand advice ever.

The grass is always greener OP.
How many girls do you need to be with in order to know your g/f is right for you?
There simply is only two options.
Finish with her and play the field.
Or don't.
It would seem to me that if these thoughts are wrecking your head then you are not ready to be a one woman man....

05-12-2006 11:04AM

padser wrote:

Why dont you go off occassionally with the lads and play the field a little. Nothing serious just a couple of one night stands etc. As Lovefool said, for lads sex can be just sex and have no emotion attached. Girls can never understand this, but at the same time what they dont know cant hurt them.

It doesn't matter if there's emotion or not. It shows a complete lack of respect for your partner and you shouldn't be in the relationship at all if you do it.
Trying to justify it with "girls don't understand us" is pathetic.

(Incidentally, what they don't know CAN hurt them if you pick up something while you're fooling around.)

OP: either break up with her and find out what you were missing on or get over it. Simple as that.

SoupyNorman · 05-12-2006 11:06AM

Thoughts like yours OP led me to break up with my gorgeous, fantastic girl and even then I never played the field. What it did was give me an objective view on our relationship and within a month we were back together and honestly we are so in love its sickening. Three years together with anyone would get your mind running overtime but I've found that it boiled down to how happy I was with my girl, someting you said is interesting ;

"shes lovely, good looking, nice , caring "

Very middle of the road language to describe this 'fantastic' girl you are in love with. Ask yourself is it love or loyalty you feel towards your girl, I say this as I wasted a year out of my life going out with a girl more because of loyalty then love....what a regret that one was. Anyhoo, all men dream of that one wild 'no-strings' fling with the porn-star or the 'stunner' in the nightclub but the reality is when you are single and you go in search of it, its not that easy to find unless you have Brad Pitt looks coupled with Eddie Murphys personality!!!!

If you really love this girl then stay with her, short-term is great in the short-term but nothing compares to having someone to hug/cuddle, kiss and trim you eyebrows for you!!!

Zapho · 05-12-2006 11:17AM

2 things come to my mind when I read your post op.
The first is: Are you mad? You've got everything you want with this current girl
and you say you love her, shouldn't that be enough?
The second is: One reason you probably feel like you're missing out is because
your girl friend might not be very good/adventurous in bed and you feel that
another girl might be better.

LegacyUser · 05-12-2006 12:00PM

I've the same issue with my wife, she tells me in playful language how I was her first and that at some ponit in her life she wants to play the field....

I'm 5 years older than her and have done a good bit of frollicking in my youth. I tell her, fine, do what you gotta do but don't expect me to be here when you're finished......

Unfair ? In some ways maybe but to me at any rate, its not about sex any more and if I'm honest, thoug we have "issues" like everyone, sex is far far far far more enjoyable with my wife than it was with other women and thinking on this, its got more to do with being comfortable with each other and able to experiment together over a quick fumbled bang on a one night stand followed by the awkwardness in the morning....(if it goes that far)..

Suppose you can't tell someone this tho....

filthygorgeous · 05-12-2006 12:06PM

So how many women will be 'enough' women to sleep with?? 10? 100?

padser · 05-12-2006 01:10PM

filthygorgeous wrote:

So how many women will be 'enough' women to sleep with?? 10? 100?

Id say bewteen 10 and 20.

simu · 05-12-2006 01:40PM

OP, if you want to hold on to this relationship, you'll have to change your attitude to sex and start valuing the quality of the sex you have with your gf rather than obsessing about the quantity of other women out there you could be with if you were single. You've had sex with 4 different people so it's not like you're completely inexperienced. But often, this is a lesson people learn the hard way.

LegacyUser · 05-12-2006 02:01PM

'

bravestarr082 wrote:

"shes lovely, good looking, nice , caring "

Very middle of the road language to describe this 'fantastic' girl you are in love with.

ok maybe i was alittle vague, I do think she is fantastic, and she is an animal in bed ( as one other poster speculated that she might be boring). I think its more the variety i'm missing. Its just lustful feelings, its not emotion im after.

But I know i am meant to be a one woman man because i always end up in a relationship no matter how much I say " this time im not getting into a relationship for at least 2 years" after breaking up with someone else.

Someone advises playing around on the sly... thanks but no thanks, its not me, apart from the fear of getting caught my girlfriend is too lovely to that to her.

Does anyone believe in "perfect girl but wrong time" ???? im starting to feel that.
If i was to pick the attributes and looks for a girl i want to settle down with, it would be my girlfriend everytime. shes just stunning and if im honest slightly out of my league but yet i feel this way!'

LegacyUser · 05-12-2006 02:57PM

Basically, [some] men are sexual animals. OP, I don't know if there is ever a "right time" to settle down, because sexual craving doesn't dissappear with age, it can increase and the more you get the more you want (could even turn into addiction). Again, not all men are like this, but some of us are.

IMO, and the girls here can argue all they like, sometimes sex is just physical, and IMO, the whole "cheating" thing is a non-issue if you make it a non-issue. Or it can be a big deal if you make it a big deal. It's completely up to you how guilty you feel, or if you want to hurt someone else. There are ways of experimenting sexually where nobody gets hurt. Sometimes the beast needs expression and sometimes the beast needs to be tamed... but go with your intuition, and follow your natural inclinations. Repressing it doesn't help the relationship and you may end up hurting her or breaking up over shallow sexual desires.

LegacyUser · 05-12-2006 02:59PM

Above all, think freely and don't let anyone else tell you how to beahave in a relationship. Decide what the rules are for yourself. You know what is best for you, just don't hurt the other person. If what you do doesn't hurt anyone (including yourself, emotionally) then why not go for it?

LegacyUser · 05-12-2006 03:02PM

'Completely understand where this guy is coming from. I was going my ex-girlfriend for 4 and a half years and we broke up 3 months ago. I started to get these kinda feelings for the last year or so of the relationship. We always told each other that we couldnt stay going out and then get married because if we didnt break up and take the risk at some stage, we would get totally sick of each other and eventually wanna get out anyway. I think it was a huge risk for us to do this, but i dont regret it. I love this girl still, just as much as I used to, I haven't seen her since we broke up and thats the way I want it. I wouldnt be able to handle it.

But the last year or so, I was thinking I felt I was only with her out of loyalty. I did love her of course, but I cant at this age of my life be with someone out of just loyalty. Not a day goes by when I think about how she is, adn if she is getting on ok, and I value that because i like to think she is doing the same. But one day I will meet her again, and if we are in a situation where we can be togetther again and settle down, brilliant. But for now, I need to do my own thing and be single for a while. It's easier to get out of a relationship than it is to get inot one. Ive seen too many relationships end because of pure boredom and loyalty. At your mid-20's people should explore if they have any inkling they need to.

My advice would be to take the risk. I have and im getting better. Sure im lonely without her, but I feel I have to do this. IF its meant to be, its meant to be.'

Marksie · 05-12-2006 03:22PM

unsure? wrote:

I think its more the variety i'm missing. Its just lustful feelings, its not emotion im after.

Variety in what? positions?, how you do it? The frequency?

You say your G/f is an animal in bed... you should be building on that... It would seem that if you suggested things she would be more than willing to attempt it.

I would go as far as to say that it is not her that is boring in bed, but you... and i honestly dont mean that badly..
The issue with you is variety..... what have you done to change this? have you driven to beaches, or changed the plan, or been spontaneous?
Have you let go.. let her take charge.. change the variety within the relationship, not looking for it from without.

You have got comfortable and lazy and are consequently looking at the relationship and saying.. no variety. So you would throw it away for a burst of lust with someone else. If you spice up your relationship by innovation you will get all the lust you need.

@ padser Quite hilarious posts... i remember when i was a virgin too

carpenoctem · 05-12-2006 04:23PM

ClaudGreenGrass wrote:

I've the same issue with my wife, she tells me in playful language how I was her first and that at some ponit in her life she wants to play the field....

I'm 5 years older than her and have done a good bit of frollicking in my youth. I tell her, fine, do what you gotta do but don't expect me to be here when you're finished......

I just wanted to say that I couldn't help but be shocked at this. Not because of your stance, but because of her even playfully saying such things. I mean, perhaps that's the kind of couple you are, but I know I'd NEVER say something like this. In fact, my partner atm is my first and we look set to spend a very long time together. A few weeks ago he actually voiced this issue, "What if you ever start wondering what it would be like with other men?". I told him straight, that as long as he respects and satisfies me, that is very unlikely. Why the hell would I screw up something great and risk having to settle with something not so great?

Anyhow, as for the OP, I have one suggestion, and that is "roleplays". If there are any particular fantasies you think someone else could fulfill, let her know about the fantasy (but unless you KNOW she'd understand, probably good to leave the other girl stuff out), try it out with her.

And in the end, if you keep having these thoughts and you find them upsetting then maybe, just maybe, you should actually tell her about them, if you can find the right way to make her understand that you would never act on them. Sometimes letting your partner know about things like these make them a lot less attractive and exciting...

05-12-2006 07:04PM

LoveFool wrote:

Basically, [some] men are sexual animals. OP, I don't know if there is ever a "right time" to settle down, because sexual craving doesn't dissappear with age, it can increase and the more you get the more you want (could even turn into addiction). Again, not all men are like this, but some of us are.

Some women are too, what's your point?

IMO, and the girls here can argue all they like, sometimes sex is just physical, and IMO, the whole "cheating" thing is a non-issue if you make it a non-issue.

That's probably called an open relationship :rolleyes:
and I'll say it again, "non emotional" or otherwise it STILL signifies a major lack of respect for your partner and if you can't see that then I hope you don't have one

Or it can be a big deal if you make it a big deal. It's completely up to you how guilty you feel, or if you want to hurt someone else. There are ways of experimenting sexually where nobody gets hurt. Sometimes the beast needs expression and sometimes the beast needs to be tamed... but go with your intuition, and follow your natural inclinations. Repressing it doesn't help the relationship and you may end up hurting her or breaking up over shallow sexual desires.

Don't tell me you're saying "cheating is a natural inclination". Bloody hell it is.
If you want to mess around with other women, noone cares as long as your partner knows and agrees to it.

I wonder how many of the "sexual animal" men would be calling their gfs/wives bad names if they were the ones fooling around :rolleyes:

Decide what the rules are for yourself.

The point of being in a relationship is deciding together, or have you not been in one?

lollipops · 05-12-2006 07:15PM

ok first off i know how u feel.im 26 too.i have had 2 long term relationships in my life.the 2nd one was the one for me .i married him a few months ago.yes it is scary to think that you will be with only one person for the rest of your life but if this girl your with is "the one" these thoughts your having will be just that, thoughts, and you wont risk your relationship by having one night stands.if shes not the one well then go your seperate ways and live it up with the lads for a while but dont mess this poor girl around:o

finbarrk · 05-12-2006 09:36PM

Have a few one night stands if you can but make sure nobody knows about it, you will feel better then.

Kell · 06-12-2006 09:59AM

unsure? wrote:

My head is wrecked

For how long? Its usual to have fleeting moments of "jeebus- I really need to fúck the brunette in the corner" but, as stated, they are fleeting. If its more along the lines of being plagued by the want to go and fúck other women, as Ruthie said, dump your GF and go fúck other women. Simple.

K-

06-12-2006 10:27AM

padser wrote:

Why dont you go off occassionally with the lads and play the field a little. Nothing serious just a couple of one night stands etc. As Lovefool said, for lads sex can be just sex and have no emotion attached. Girls can never understand this, but at the same time what they dont know cant hurt them.

Poor advice OP! What is being suggested by padser (and finbarrk) is called "cheating," it's dishonest and is a breach of trust. And without trust, there's no relationship.

If your g/f is as grand as you say she is, you would be an absolute fool to cheat on her. As to your feelings when with other girls, those feelings are natural. You can look, but you cannot touch!

simu · 06-12-2006 02:57PM

LoveFool wrote:

Above all, think freely and don't let anyone else tell you how to beahave in a relationship. Decide what the rules are for yourself. You know what is best for you, just don't hurt the other person. If what you do doesn't hurt anyone (including yourself, emotionally) then why not go for it?

What - the other person in the relationship gets no say? You get to decide for that other person what's best for him/her and no discussion is needed?

Kalina · 06-12-2006 03:29PM

I was in the exact same boat summer 2003. After spending 3 and a half years with a wonderful guy who I loved completely I lost interest- not in him but in the relationship. I needed to be free to do whatever I wanted and be with other guys. My boyfriend was my first and only at that stage, and I thought I was missing out. After a lot of thought I finished the relationship and did have a lot of fun for the next few years. I'm sociable and out-going so I had no problem going on the dating scene and meeting people.
However, now I realise that what I had with him was amazing and special, and I miss him. The advice I give you is follow your heart, if you feel you need to make that break then do it. It was the right thing for me to do, even though now I miss my ex and I realise that what we had was special. I'm glad I made the break, I've grown as a person and if it's meant to be then it will be.

kittenkiller · 06-12-2006 10:18PM

There's no "right number" of people to have slept with.
And if you decided that you were going to stay single when you 1st met your girlfriend so you could play the field, then chances are you'd've missed out on her altogether.
There's never a point in thinking about what you can't have.
I mean if I sit an dwell on how great a smoke'd be right now and how "if only I'd had that cigarette when I had the chance, now if I want one I'd have to go all the way to the shops... But I really want one..." all the time I'd go nuts and I don't even smoke!!

If you were to sit down and plan when you were going to fall in love and how experienced you'd be by then, you'd end up very disappointed!

Try to focus on being happy with all that you have and dismiss the longings for what you don't, you'll probably be happier in the long run.
And focussing on all the good things in your relatioinship will most definately make what you have better.
You'll appreciate your girlfriend even more when you're not pining after faraway patures, and she's bound to notice... her confidence will increase... if you make her feel like a sexy little minx, chances are she'll be acting like one in no time too!

If you feel that you can't do this, it might be best to call it a day and go see exactly what you've been "missing".

DublinWriter · 07-12-2006 12:32AM

finbarrk wrote:

Have a few one night stands if you can but make sure nobody knows about it, you will feel better then.

With all due respect, that's the *worst* advice ever. Let's assume the OP has a conscience and morals to start with!

To be honest, OP, there's the old notion of 'sowing your wild oats', basically a poetic way of saying play hide-the-sausage so much with so many that the concept doesn't interest you anymore.

For a guy, at some point (around late 20's, early 30's) the whole random porkage issue doesn't figure so largely on the emotional radar anymore. Emotional bonds eventually go way deeper than any sexual desires.

At the end of the day, stack up what you have now vs. sex-with-strangers.

Grem · 07-12-2006 05:29PM

random porkage

A brilliant way to put it!

OP, my advice is to stay with your girlfriend if you love her. Chances are that you'll throw it all away, sleep with a few average girls, find that you aren't getting any after a few months and start to desperately pine for what you had with your girlfriend.

Its not just sex with her (i presume). Its the whole package... having someone that cares about you, someone to laugh with, have sex with, kisses on tap (a very important one for me!) and just knowing that you have each other and can share each others lives.

Sooo many people long for what you currently have. Dont throw it away because if it takes one month, one year, one lifetime - you'll regret it some day.

Kalina · 08-12-2006 01:18PM

Yeah, you will probably regret losing someone special just for a few random encounters with people whose names you won't even remember within a few weeks.

The_B_Man · 08-12-2006 02:28PM

OP: its gonna stick with ya for a long time. I was in the exact same position as you are in now. it was very hard and im still not over the break up after a cupla years, but goin around shaggin everything in site was jsut the trick i needed.

i figured i'd sleep around, then be ready for a serious relationship again, but i'm enjoyin it too much. doubt ill want anything serious for a while tbh. i get all the closeness that u'd get in a relationship from various diff women.

problem is, she ain't gonna wait for u to ride around and get back to her. best u can do is try remain friends and hope that in bout 5 years, you might make another go of it. not likely tbh, but we can always hope!

A Primal Nut · 08-12-2006 07:07PM

unsure? wrote:

hi,

Lately i've been getting the feelings that ive missed out and that i havent lived enough beforei settle down. I'm 26 and with a fantastic girl, shes lovely, good looking, nice , caring everything i could want. Yet i still feel like i have missed out on being with other girls.

I have always been in long relationships 2 both 4 yrs and apart from that ive only been with 3 other girls. When im out with friends and girls are chatting me up i do have thoughts about what it would be like to be with that girl or i wonder if im missing out.

My head is wrecked becuase im with this wondeful girl BUT i have these stupid thoughts!!! anyone have any advice or been in a similar mindset?

You're 26 and you've been with five girls. The honest truth is that's more than a lot of guys have!

I havent slept with enough women but love my girlfriend and want to be with her

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