Did I cheat?

WasIWrong · 04-09-2006 05:10PM

I have said sorry, don't get me wrong. I didn't just say i'm sorry, i am sorry that I hurt her. I just don't think it was my fault. I just wish it hadn't happened, now.

metrovelvet · 04-09-2006 05:15PM

WasIWrong wrote:

Why did we want an open relationship? Long story...

I've been in a relationship ever since I was 16. I was never single after that... ever. Went from one long term relationship (4 years) into this one, within a few weeks, and been in it ever since.

This will haunt you just as if you had a womanising past with a blur of women behind you would, but in the other extreme. Whereas the latter wont have the equipment for long term relating and will have gotten used to a life of sensation seeking and ego affirmation, when you havent had a chance to go wild, do a bit of rehearsing so to speak, you will always envy those who enjoyed their freedom.

Have you considered that you maybe rebounding? A few weeks break is not much.

WasIWrong wrote:

In short, she pretty much told me to go out and get laid, get it done, and get those regrets out of my system, so that I can get back with her with the assurance that there's no one out there that I'd rather be with.

If she actually told you to do this, I really would question how much sense either of you have. What you do outside of your relationship you bring into it.

WasIWrong wrote:

I'm only free to stay with her when I'm free to leave

Your always free to stay or go. Agreed, it means nothing if its not a choice.

I think your girlfriend needs to take some responsibility and say to you "look Im sorry I thought I could handle it but I cant. "

LegacyUser · 04-09-2006 05:19PM

The agreement was obviously to cosole (sp?) both of you and for eachother not to claim "ownership" on the other person.

With agreements like that you're not meant to act on them like you did unless BOTH people are doing it. I know you could say "i was just starting it off" but nope.. doesn't work like that. You ****ed up.

You've hurt and betrayed her. You're meant to love her.

Technically you did nothing wrong but morally you have and you have disrespected your girlfriend.

Chinafoot · 04-09-2006 05:30PM

If you felt the need to go and enjoy the single life that you think you've missed out on you should have broken up with her first. In my experience you can't have that and a serious relationship at the same time.

It sounds as though she agreed to this in the hopes of holding onto you and maintaining the relationship when she got back. Chances are she didn't really think that the man that claims to love her would go on a date that ended in sex a mere three weeks after she left. If she didn't think you'd actually do it then she most likely wasn't prepared for the hurt she'd feel when you did.

The whole agreement seems to be based on what you want and what you feel you missed out on. Would you be upset if she told you over messenger that she went out on a date with some random guy and had sex with him? If you love her as much as you claim to then I reckon you'd be pretty gutted regardless of any "agreement".

If it was me I would never have agreed to an open relationship because as far as I'm concerned if you want to be with other people then you shouldn't be in a relationship. It's unfair to expect her to not feel hurt at what you did.

Decide if you want her or want the single life. You can't realistically have both.

ircoha · 04-09-2006 05:39PM

Peachypants: the best reply thus far:)

Trinity · 04-09-2006 05:44PM

I think the problem is that you are looking at this like did i break the law, did i break the contract - the answer is no. But i dont think thats the real issue with your girlfriend. You are obviously angry that she wont see your point of view - look at your emoticon?

in matters of the heart its not quite that simple. And if you really want to know why your girlfriend is hurt then you have to stop looking at it from such a black and white point of view - do you honestly just want yes no answers?

Its great that you have been honest with her and told her you feel you missed out on 'just being single' - i am sure in her heart she understands that and maybe thought she could handle you getting it out of your system while she was away. Rather than lose you to itchy feet after you have moved in together or even as you say possibly are married.

If you want to enjoy the single life well then you have to do it as a totally single man.

Another point to note is that she said (and it kind of backs up my theory a little i think)
"she pretty much told me to go out and get laid, get it done, and get those regrets out of my system, so that I can get back with her with the assurance that there's no one out there that I'd rather be with."

No girl says get out there and make sure there is no-one better than me before you go commiting to me!! If she believes you love her then she will believe that there already is no-one you would rather be with - and she is probably devastated now because it may seem like to are looking just in case!

perhaps she is also scared that you will meet someone else while sowing your oats. I'm sure the thoughts of you with another woman is extremely upsetting. Picture another man making love to her? Is it nice?

I am sure she thought she could handle it. She obvoiusly shouldnt have agreed but maybe she honestly believed that you wouldnt do it - after all you told US not to question your love for her - i am sure she felt your love was strong. I know i cant cheat - honestly physically i would not be able to when i love someone else i just want to be with them and even if he told me i could (which i would find weird) i still couldnt do it.

It is not necessary to sow your wild oats - it is not necessary to sleep with x amount of girls before you can commit. If you are not looking for another relaitonship with another girl then you must be talking about just sex??

If you love the girl then sex with others will be meaningless and therefore pointless - what is it exactly that you feel you are missing? One night stands can be awkward, crap and disappointing.

If you have found someone you love and are willing to move in with and consider marrying then you have actually avoided all that crap.

A lot of people that are sowing there wild oats are actaully looking for what you have - no matter how much they say are not ready for a relationship - that changes when they meet someone they care about and decide this is the one for me.

sticking your mickey (sorry) into a few different vaginas and then coming back and saying ok love thats grand thats outta the way come here and give us a hug, lets get married?

I think maybe the truth is you are afraid you are missing something and therefore you should really evaluate whether or not you are ready for this level of commitment.

If you want the single life - be single.

She is hurting cos you were with another woman. You need to talk to her but i wouldnt go saying 'well you said i could' - she wants reassurance now. yes she was wrong but if you love her you will forget that and deal with the hurt.

I amnot judging you. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be single and have some fun before settling down. But i am trying to explain this from another point of view. SHe gave you your freedom so she actually wouldnt lose you forever.

Little-Devil · 04-09-2006 05:48PM

WasIWrong wrote:

Okay, tricky situation here. Gimme your honest opinion on this one, people.

About three weeks ago, my girlfriend went away for four months. I won't see her again for a little while, and I'm not okay with it. We discussed what impact this would have on us, and we decided to make our relationship an open relationship. We would allow the other to see other people, do whatever they wanted to, with the promise that there would be no secrets, and that you'd never put yourself at risk of disease, etc, always using contraception, and whatever. And then she left.

So the other night, I met a girl and we really hit it off. We went out for drinks, and it became apparant that she liked me, too. So, one thing led to another, and I made my move. She reciprocated, and we went back to my place. I didn't lead her on, or anything. She knew I had a girlfriend, and that I wasn't going to leave her, and that this thing that we had that night wasn't leading anywhere. We had sex.

The next day, the girl left, and I went about my business, work, then home again, and spoke with girlfriend online. She was in a bad mood, but I remembered our agreement. No secrets! So I told her what happened. I did feel a little guilty, at first, this being the first time either of us had been with someone else since this new agreement took effect. Of course it was going to be weird.

To make a long story short, she flew off the handle. Angry at me, can't stand the thought of me, can't look at photos of me anymore. She's guilt tripping at me, upset at me all the time, and it really stretches my nerves.

Keep in mind that this is the girl I love. I would never intentionally hurt her for any reason. I would do anything for her, including calling off the open relationship. She's more important to me than any other girl could be. But it doesn't seem to be enough anymore. Even if we went back to being monogamous, she said things wouldn't be the same.

She seems to want me to beg for forgiveness, but I'm still adamant that I've not put a single foot wrong. I did everything we agreed on, including coming clean first chance I got.

Comments please:

- Did I do something wrong? Or is this just the shock that something happened so soon?
- Has this happened to you?
- Is this relationship over? I'd do anything to make it better, but I'm not going to accept blame for wrong-doing that didn't happen.

I dont think you tried that hard not to cheat. I would say that your girlfriend was more upset with the fact that she was only gone and you had another girl back at your place.

You say you love your girlfriend bu to me as soon as the opportunity came you had a one night stand. I would have thought that the agreement was if you had say gone looking or someone approched you and you talked then yeh i would understand.

ITs a hard one to call, but i can see why your girlfriend is so upset. She was only gone and you were at it.

spinandscribble · 04-09-2006 05:49PM

yeah spot on peachypants, just what i was thinking.
yes you didnt break the agreement but i think deep down if you knew your girlfriend you would have guessed she was just agreeing to what would make you happy.
im not saying shes right in agreeing to something she didnt stand by on but i doubt she came up with this agreement idea solely by herself. and like you said you made her well aware of how sad and regretful you were that you never had a bigger past with girls. she might have felt she had to offer you this. she might feel guilt over "robbing" you of all the "fun". not that she should imo.
i wonder op did you tell her you wholeheartly intended on going after other women during this open phase or did you say you wouldnt or were unlikely to? please answer i'd like to be able to read this from her view not, just yours, that way we'll be better equiped to understand.

im not judging you btw, i can see it from your point and yes you did nothing wrong except not follow the guidelines of what ppl do while in love. it wouldnt be good for me or most ppl but if thats the way your heart works... well i pray for you that you'll find happiness with someone likeminded

Little-Devil · 04-09-2006 05:49PM

WasIWrong wrote:

Okay, tricky situation here. Gimme your honest opinion on this one, people.

About three weeks ago, my girlfriend went away for four months. I won't see her again for a little while, and I'm not okay with it. We discussed what impact this would have on us, and we decided to make our relationship an open relationship. We would allow the other to see other people, do whatever they wanted to, with the promise that there would be no secrets, and that you'd never put yourself at risk of disease, etc, always using contraception, and whatever. And then she left.

So the other night, I met a girl and we really hit it off. We went out for drinks, and it became apparant that she liked me, too. So, one thing led to another, and I made my move. She reciprocated, and we went back to my place. I didn't lead her on, or anything. She knew I had a girlfriend, and that I wasn't going to leave her, and that this thing that we had that night wasn't leading anywhere. We had sex.

The next day, the girl left, and I went about my business, work, then home again, and spoke with girlfriend online. She was in a bad mood, but I remembered our agreement. No secrets! So I told her what happened. I did feel a little guilty, at first, this being the first time either of us had been with someone else since this new agreement took effect. Of course it was going to be weird.

To make a long story short, she flew off the handle. Angry at me, can't stand the thought of me, can't look at photos of me anymore. She's guilt tripping at me, upset at me all the time, and it really stretches my nerves.

Keep in mind that this is the girl I love. I would never intentionally hurt her for any reason. I would do anything for her, including calling off the open relationship. She's more important to me than any other girl could be. But it doesn't seem to be enough anymore. Even if we went back to being monogamous, she said things wouldn't be the same.

She seems to want me to beg for forgiveness, but I'm still adamant that I've not put a single foot wrong. I did everything we agreed on, including coming clean first chance I got.

Comments please:

- Did I do something wrong? Or is this just the shock that something happened so soon?
- Has this happened to you?
- Is this relationship over? I'd do anything to make it better, but I'm not going to accept blame for wrong-doing that didn't happen.

I dont think you tried that hard not to cheat. I would say that your girlfriend was more upset with the fact that she was only gone and you had another girl back at your place.

You say you love your girlfriend bu to me as soon as the opportunity came you had a one night stand. I would have thought that the agreement was if you had say gone looking or someone approched you and you talked then yeh i would understand.

ITs a hard one to call, but i can see why your girlfriend is so upset. She was only gone and you were at it.

I think this was always going to backfire whoever had a one night stand or met someone, not easy of either of you.

spinandscribble · 04-09-2006 05:50PM

also op you're looking at this too coldly and logically imo. matters of the heart cant be excuse the corniness.

spurious · 04-09-2006 05:55PM

I can't help but think you wouldn't be posting here asking for opinions, hoping you'll get someone who'll say it's ok, if you didn't know at the time that you were cheating on her.

You already know you were. If you didn't think it was cheating, you wouldn't be so bothered.

WasIWrong · 04-09-2006 06:05PM

When we opened our relationship, it was for both of us... not just me. She thought about it for a few days, and then agreed that spending so long apart, it might be benificial if we both admitted to ourselves that we missed being physically intimate. So it was open to her as well as to me.

And yes, she did tell me to go and do it sooner rather than later.

And no, I didn't lead her the wrong way and tell her it was unlikely that I would actually go ahead with it.

We admitted that there were times when we felt like being with other people, and when your bf/gf isn't there... it's tempting. We agreed to push aside that guilt aside and, whilst being completely honest with each other, do what feels right.

Of course it was going to be hard when it actually happened. People keep bringing up the fact that it could have been her who did it, not me. I accepted that possibility, the same as she did.

I know that people keep judging me, saying that i couldn't possibly love her if i go off and do this. Perhaps that's just a lack of understanding on their part. You can still be in love with someone and lust after others. The only thing keeping you from doing it is the fear that you'll hurt the one you love. But when she agrees, it removes that once all-powerful barrier.

And Spurious, I know damn well that it's not okay now... because the one i love has been hurt by this. What I'm looking for more than anything is advice how to fix it, how to make her feel better, and help us both move on, whether it be monogamous or an open-relationship.

metrovelvet · 04-09-2006 06:12PM

WasIWrong wrote:

We admitted that there were times when we felt like being with other people, and when your bf/gf isn't there... it's tempting. We agreed to push aside that guilt aside and, whilst being completely honest with each other, do what feels right.

THat doesn't mean you go and do it, just because you feel like it. If I acted on 10% of my impulses, Id be dead, arrested, or locked up in a straight jacket.

And what I suspect you feel there is the longing for the other, which you then seek to satiate via a surrogate third party, which often in the end leaves you more dissatidfied because it amplifies the absence of the one you really want to be with.

WasIWrong wrote:

I know that people keep judging me, saying that i couldn't possibly love her if i go off and do this. Perhaps that's just a lack of understanding on their part. You can still be in love with someone and lust after others. The only thing keeping you from doing it is the fear that you'll hurt the one you love. But when she agrees, it removes that once all-powerful barrier.

Yeah but 3 weeks later? Come on. Well you've hurt the one you love, now you know, now its you who's hurting.

spurious · 04-09-2006 06:18PM

WasIWrong wrote:

The only thing keeping you from doing it is the fear that you'll hurt the one you love.

I'm not sure I'd agree with that. What would stop me was that I loved someone else, not the fear I'd hurt them if they found out.

Anyway, there is a broken trust issue. I don't know if things can ever be the same again. Even if she says she forgives you, it will always be there...any time you're a little bit late home, going somewhere without her, getting a text, somewhere inside she'll wonder if it's someone else again. This is a normal human reaction.

I don't know if there is anything you can do to fix it. It happened to me and while I have no doubt the other person was sincere in knowing they blew it and wanting another chance etc, I couldn't let them stay in my life.

I've known couples who went through the same thing and stayed together, but from speaking to them, they would admit the relationship was never the same again. I hope you can fix it, but I don't know how you could do that.

Trinity · 04-09-2006 06:18PM

WasIWrong wrote:

When we opened our relationship, it was for both of us... not just me. She thought about it for a few days, and then agreed that spending so long apart, it might be benificial if we both admitted to ourselves that we missed being physically intimate. So it was open to her as well as to me.

And yes, she did tell me to go and do it sooner rather than later.

And no, I didn't lead her the wrong way and tell her it was unlikely that I would actually go ahead with it.

We admitted that there were times when we felt like being with other people, and when your bf/gf isn't there... it's tempting. We agreed to push aside that guilt aside and, whilst being completely honest with each other, do what feels right.

Of course it was going to be hard when it actually happened. People keep bringing up the fact that it could have been her who did it, not me. I accepted that possibility, the same as she did.

I know that people keep judging me, saying that i couldn't possibly love her if i go off and do this. Perhaps that's just a lack of understanding on their part. You can still be in love with someone and lust after others. The only thing keeping you from doing it is the fear that you'll hurt the one you love. But when she agrees, it removes that once all-powerful barrier.

And Spurious, I know damn well that it's not okay now... because the one i love has been hurt by this. What I'm looking for more than anything is advice how to fix it, how to make her feel better, and help us both move on, whether it be monogamous or an open-relationship.

Ask her - and listen to her. DOnt interrupt, dont say "but you agreed!" dont say anything.

Ask her -
how do we fix this?
how can i make you feel better?
can we move on from this?

and i wouldnt mention moving on in an open relationship. You are getting very defensive here and maybe justly so - but my advise is that is not how to settle anything with your girlfriend so just talk openly and calmly and dont throw blame around even if you dont like what you are hearing.

you could try telling her also that doing it once has made you realise that you do not want an open relationship if it is going to hurt her.

she is the one that you want to be with.

and if this is not true and you really do want an open relationship, then you will have to accept that this will only hurt her so therefore you will have to let her go.

I disagree with your statement but only personally maybe others might not share my view?

i.e. "That the only thing stopping us from being with others is being afraid to hurt someone we love" - that may be a part of the reason of course but a lot of people who are in love really are happy with what they have and dont want to sleep with other people"

Yes humans will look and lust and fantasize even when in love - but not everyone actually takes it to the next level which is doing something about it.

Good luck with it anyway.

Fanny Cradock · 04-09-2006 06:27PM

First off, it’s obvious the open relationship thing is not going to work. I’d start by knocking that idea on the head.

There is a bit of an impasse here: you apologised for hurting her, yet you believe that you did nothing wrong. Conversely, she agreed to this open relationship, but then reneged on your collective decision.

You probably have to give her a couple of days to cool down, then you both have to take responsibility (see above). Personally, I think sleeping with a girl so soon after she left is the real bone of contention here (and totally understandable, IMO). If you think about it from her perspective it may appear that you either wanted to do this all along or didn’t/ don’t really care about her.

Other than justifying your reasoning for doing what you did, and then apologising continually (but what you apologise for and what she wants you to apologise for may remain conspicuously different) there is little that you can do. Possibly it’s not salvageable.

WasIWrong · 04-09-2006 06:35PM

Fanny, thanks for your reply... more on the lines of what i'm hoping this thread to produce... advice, rather than judgement.

I kind of gathered that open-rel. won't really work here... it's been tested and found lacking.

We'll talk when she's calmed down, and straighten the issue out.

Thanks for all your help, people.

dr.bollocko · 04-09-2006 06:39PM

Hey man, it sounds like you have had the same troubles as me, with the long term relationships, non stop since 16, TBH it could have been me posting that, freaked me out a bit.
Generally, I find the level of response here to be shocking. Bashing someone because of their relationship choice is a very high-and-mighty approach, and it really doesnt help anyone. Most posts seem to be focusing on why you cheated and why the girl is right to be upset. Regardless or not of whether any cheating occured, there is still a crying girl and a relationship in trouble and this, surely, is what should be focused on, and not petty bashing and rule calling.
But I can understand where you are coming from, I mean, ok, this girl is the love of your life, but you met her so young you didnt even know, you know, didnt know enough women to know how in love you were maybe? I really know that feeling, and also the fact that you could love someone deeply, but still feel the need to gain more life experience.
And I think its a sign of an incredibly strong rel'nship that you have with her that ye both talked about your regrets, that ye didnt have more time being single, and didnt have more chances to **** around, and the open relationship, in my opinion, in a different universe, that open relationship could have been a master stroke.
But obviously, now, you have a freaked out, distressed and bitter girlfriend on your hands, and wish none of it had happened. But, its important to be heartened, you DID NOT do anything wrong,(technically) but thats still a hell of a lot worse than keeping either your fly or your mouth closed.

You were honest with your girl, both before and after the fact. I guess thats cold comfort for her, but its a sign of a decent bloke in my opinion. I dont necessarily agree with the concept of the open rel'nship, but you know, if you thought it would work for you, then I cant knock it. I know people who have worked really well in open relationships.

I think what you need to do is show your girl how much in love you still are with her, tell her. Let her know that it wont happen again, let her know that if you thought for one second that this would hurt her so bad that you would never even have considered it.

IS there any way that you can get to see her face to face? Or does this whole horrible drama have to be played out with IMs and phones?

Tell her that you thought that this life experience would help you as a person, but only thought you the lesson of just how much in love you really are with her, and how much you want to hold onto her...

Chucky the tree · 04-09-2006 08:01PM

dats_right wrote:

I can't believe that you actually believed all that 'no secrets' b*ll*cks! Sometimes, my friend it is best to be economical with the truth so that people don't get hurt. I'm certainly not going to lecture you about throwing your leg over some bird, infact I don't see anything wrong with that aspect of your story in the slightest, the problem my friend is your big gob, I'm literally in stitches thinking that you thought it was ok to tell your gf that you nailed some bird.

As it happens, similar enough situation myself a few years back, gf went to study abroad for a year, made all those promises, sure I was nailing anything that walked but I certainly didn't tell her and all was fine and dandy till i nailed a friend of hers, who in turn blabbed to my then gf. At least I was caught out fair and square, but to actually tell her, well I think that is mad altogether!

Don't you know that what women say and what they actually mean are often completely different. What did you expect her to say? 'fair play to ya' or 'that's ok darling'. While, you didn't technically cheat on her, I doubt whether she will forgive you and she will probably go out in search of a sh*g this weekend (if she hasn't already!). Your best bet is to grovel, grovel, grovel and if I was you I'd buy a ticket over to her and tell her how sorry you are, drop some smooth lines.Tell her that other bird was a mistake and that she's the only one for you. If your lucky she will forgive you in about 40 years..

Spot on here. Personnally i'd give up on the groveling i doubt it will work.

I really am amazed you told, but that you actually expected her to be ok with it.

WasIWrong · 04-09-2006 08:11PM

Chucky the tree wrote:

I really am amazed you told, but that you actually expected her to be ok with it.

As much as i hate myself for hurting her the way I did (however inadvertently), I would hate myself even more if i deceived her.

And Dr. Bollocko, a face to face isn't possible for at least two months (with my flying over to see her)... if I could see her, I'd guarantee to sort it out in half an hour. To be able to hug her and comfort her would be enough, i think... but I'm thinking that deep down, it's her missing me that's interlaced with this anger that's making it so damn hard to get through to her.

Chucky the tree · 04-09-2006 08:16PM

WasIWrong wrote:

As much as i hate myself for hurting her the way I did (however inadvertently), I would hate myself even more if i deceived her.

She would of been happier if you deceived her though. Unless she found out, but that would of been unlikely.

WasIWrong wrote:

And Dr. Bollocko, a face to face isn't possible for at least two months (with my flying over to see her)... if I could see her, I'd guarantee to sort it out in half an hour. To be able to hug her and comfort her would be enough, i think... but I'm thinking that deep down, it's her missing me that's interlaced with this anger that's making it so damn hard to get through to her.

Chances are its the thought of you throwing your lad into another girl after only 3 weeks that is probaly making her anrgy.

If you only lasted 3 weeks shes probaly thinking to herself that this wont be the last time you find some other girl to crack it into in the next 4 months.

cupsoftea · 04-09-2006 08:16PM

I'm not sure you will get her back to be honest. You don't seem to think you did anything wrong , you were just sticking to the agreement right? I'm sure she doesn't give a damn about the agreement.

What she wants is to get the image of you with another girl out of her head. Not sure how that will ever happen. Like a previous poster said, keep grovelling and in 40 years time she might forgive you. That is probably going to be the score.

If you want to get her back, you need to get on a plane get over to her, tell her it meant nothing, that it was a huge disappointment, that you didn't enjoy it , the other girl had no personality compared to her, was fatter, less pretty, etc etc But you need to mean this, you need to be absolutely sure that your girlfriend is the best thing in the world and be prepared to prove this every day for the said 40 years, if you are lucky enough that she can ever face you again that is.

dr.bollocko · 04-09-2006 08:19PM

If you could beg borrow or steal the money to see her it may well be worth it. But then again you have to be true to yourself as well and not be running away from life everytime a romantic pitfall comes your way.
I myself quite often cant see the wood for the trees with my lovelife and often tend towards the overly dramatic. (The overly dramatic is really working out for me by the way)
I let myself get a bit carried away, assume others get carried away too. But some people are.... rational.

Good luck, but no matter what happens there are good sides.
It might be good to be able to get to know yourself again, know what I mean? After all the non-single life for the last 8 or so years it is hard to hold on to your own personality.

Flork · 04-09-2006 08:23PM

Did you cheat? Technically no.
Did you cause great hurt to the girl you love so much? Yes.
But it is ok, you didn't cheat par sé.

:rolleyes:

WasIWrong · 04-09-2006 08:23PM

Chucky the tree wrote:

If you only lasted 3 weeks shes probaly thinking to herself that this wont be the last time you find some other girl to crack it into in the next 4 months.

It's not a question of lasting only three weeks... we've been together for a year and a half, already, sometimes going 3-4 months without seeing each other.

This year is different. Final exams, less time to talk, both of us neglecting one another. We made this decision for both of us. Sure, I suggested it, but she didn't have to agree. I might have been resentful, perhaps, it's true, if she hadn't agreed. But if she'd expressed more concretely that she would have a problem with it, then perhaps I would have thought it over a bit more.

metrovelvet · 04-09-2006 08:24PM

Its time for the GRAND GESTURE. Do that or let it go. IM email or the phone just aint gonna cut it.

Forget the agreement - you need to make her feel better if you want her back.

cupsoftea · 04-09-2006 08:34PM

metrovelvet wrote:

Its time for the GRAND GESTURE. Do that or let it go. IM email or the phone just aint gonna cut it.

Forget the agreement - you need to make her feel better if you want her back.

EXACTLY, that sums it up perfectly. GRAND GESTURE EXTRA LARGE.
You suggested sleeping with other women and would have been resentful if she said no!! Please , you are going to have to go all out to get back on track.

DublinWriter · 04-09-2006 09:07PM

Fanny Cradock wrote:

i can't understand why people do these type of things. if you care for someone enough you will be hurt if they sleep with someone else even with an "agreement".

basically, she gave you licence to sow you oats and you didn't dawdle. it is actually possible to go for a few months without having sex.

Woaah. Both parties agreed to have an open relationship.

Your statement basically implies that the girl only agreed to do so as a stealthy test of the relationship?

Feck that. That's a bit like saying God only planted those dinasour bones to test the faith of the true believers who belive in creationism.

We're guys, and as such, we need simple and plain instruction. Play head games with us and you'll lose through no fault of our own.

OP - you didn't cheat and don't be prepared to be put on a guilt trip over it.

cupsoftea · 04-09-2006 09:12PM

No he didn't cheat.
BUT he wanted the open relationship in the first place.
HE would have resented being denied his open relationship.
HE took the very first opportunity to be with another girl.

He didn't cheat, if this is what he wants fair play to him. But he can't honestly expect his girlfriend to go congratulating him on his success. Of couse she is going to be pissed off.

The Sweeper · 04-09-2006 09:14PM

"Lets see other people"

"Ummmm, okay, I suppose"

[time passes]

"Hi honey, I had sex with someone else last night, cool, right?"

Just split up with your girlfriend and learn something valuable about this for future relationships - namely that very, very few women from Ireland, England, Scotland or Wales will be "all right" with you having sex with someone else and then telling them about it.

Oh - and "do you think we should see other people" is the male question equivalent of "does my bum look big in this" for women - you're always going to say either nothing, or what you think the other person wants to hear.