Did I cheat?

_patchouli

I think that the relationship could be salvaged when she comes to appreciate that you were honest, that you didn't think you'd done wrong by her.
How much worse the situation could have been if you'd gone out with the other girl, kept it from her and later she found out from someone else.

Your mistake was in the timing and the way you told her.
You should have waited till the end of the four months, after you'd had some time to rendez-vous before mentioning it.

The original "agreement" may have been less of an agreement than you actually perceived it. So if she said "yes, go ahead and sleep with other girls if you want to", it could easily have been sarcasm that you didn't pick up on.

Hopefully you will both have learned lessons and be able to move on.

Zombrex

WasIWrong wrote:

And, as said, she told me she knew full well that I'd intend to go out and test the waters. It was only that she didn't know herself well enough to know how she'd react.

No offense but you seem much more interested in showing us (and yourself) that she orignally agreed and is now being unreasonable, than accepting that she obviously did have a problem with having an open relationship, and that maybe you should have picked up on that fact.

She says she didn't know herself well enough to know how she would react. I would say that was obvious from the amount of time she needed to think about your proposal. Is that not a reason not to do this in the first place. She was obviously going along with what you wanted, maybe you should have stepped in an said "look, you clearly seem concerned by this idea, maybe we should leave it"

It is also clear that you didn't know her well enough to know how she would react. You can't really be surprised at the way this turned out, you don't know this girl enough to know that when she says she is "ok" with such a tentative idea like an open relationship, that she is actually ok with it.

Did you consider much about her when you made the suggestion, did you have a prediction about what she would say or how she would react? Or did you just cross your fingers and go "Come on....!"

WasIWrong wrote:

b) Keep the open-relationship

I hope that is a joke??

She obviously doesn't want an open relationship, I find it hard to believe you are even considering proposing that you two continue with the set up that has already upset her so much.

If she eventually agrees to an open relationship again how will you know she has not just convinced herself again she is ok with it.

WasIWrong wrote:

Oh, and to hell with all of you saying you don't think I love her. You don't know her. And you don't know me.

All we have to go on is your posts, and from your posts it seems her feelings in the matter come a distant second to how you feel and what you want.

You're top prioriety seemed to be getting us to agree you did nothing "wrong", to ease your feelings of guilt that your partner was very upset by something you did.

You seemed to be rather blinded to how your partner reacted to your proposal of an open relationship, I would imagine because you wanted it and didn't wish to notice if she was or was not uncomfortable by the situation, which she obviously was.

And now when it has been made perfectly clear that she is very uncomfortable with having an open relationship you are still considering continuing as you were.

You may believe you love this woman. Love is such a abstract concept a definition is largely meaningless anyway. But it would seem to me that through all this her feelings on the matter have come a distant second to yours, and what she wants is considered so long as it is compatable with what you want. "Love" wouldn't be the first word I would use to describe a set up like that.

slumped

WasIWrong wrote:

Oh, and to hell with all of you saying you don't think I love her. You don't know her. And you don't know me.

I know that you shouldn't shag another bird if you love your gf.

S

Magic Pips

jaysus folks... THEY WERE ON A BREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!

The only thing he did wrong was tell her, and not break up properly.

OP Just make sure she gets over this and doesnt try to hold this over you in the future. good luck.

Zombrex

Magic Pips wrote:

jaysus folks... THEY WERE ON A BREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!

They weren't on a break, they had agreed to have an open relationship.

Magic Pips wrote:

The only thing he did wrong was tell her, and not break up properly.

As part of that agreement they had agreed to tell each other everything they did

The Sweeper

WasIWrong wrote:

c) Cancel the open-relationship, but to give her a revenge shag to even the balance (a little childish, if you ask me)

And with that one comment, I really don't understand you at all.

Do you mean it's childish for her to want to sleep with someone else because you did? Or is the idea of her having sex with another man now bothering you so you're taking the approach of "cancel the open relationship and stay celibate and we'll forget that I had sex with another woman and you can't have sex with anyone else"?

I tell you what baffles me. How anyone, anyone can believe that your emotions will actually be regulated to any extent by the terms and conditions of an agreement.

It's like saying to someone "let's make an agreement that I can slap you in the face", and then being surprised that when you do it, they say "ouch, that hurt, you bastard." Sure they let you do it, but did you really think it wouldn't hurt them?

cork-langer

Nick wrote:

Don't you know ANYTHING about women????

whats all that watch business about nick????, MEN ARE NOT MINDREADERS! If a girl tells you to go off and 'enjoy yourself', then thats what you do!

If she said you can't have an open relationship then you dont!

SIMPLE AS!

you absolutely did not cheat and are 100% in the right!

metrovelvet

You guys are not getting it. DROP WHO IS RIGHT AND WHO IS WRONG. Who cares?

They are talking now and they can build from there. It was a misunderstanding. She agreed to something she shouldnt have agreed to and he exploited what was probably meant as a "worst case scenario" clause in an agreement that was made in good faith.

Static M.e.

katrien_ie wrote:

Obviously she intended to do the same thing if she got the chance ... why would she agree to an open relationship otherwise?

Because its a Test! 0_o

(Donning my Antiflame suit, this is just my opinion)
I'll be honest im probably very backward in my thinking because first off I think having an open relationship is b*llsh*t. If I didnt want to be with the girl in the first place I wouldn't have gone out with her, and if I wanted to shag other women then I would break it off. To me its really that simple.

Granted in the OP case I was probably a little harsh in my origional comment but I honestly though it was unreal his claim to love this girl and then going off and shaging another, it just baffles me, agreement or not.

If you love someone you dont shag other people 4 months or not. Agreement or not

Now I know to the rest of the world everything isn't so black and white and I honestly do hope the OP gets his GF back and everything works out for them.
I think certainly in his case, he should go out and "sow his seeds" etc and see what other women are like so he has no regrets and never wonders again what it would be like to be with someone else. Certainly I would urge him to do it now rather than doing it later

But to your origional question why would she agree to it. Isn't that just one of the things people do when they go away, kinda like saying, "I still think your great and If I wasn't going away Id stay with you but you know 4 months is a hell of a long time ... Who KNOWS what could happen... lots of parties... new city... drinking.. don't want to have any regrets.. just incase lets have an open relationship"

She probably thought it was a good idea too just incase so they wouldn't be doing the dirt on each other, then when the reality of what she agreed too hit her she freaked out at the OP. Or she could be a romantic and have the opinion "Ok, ill give him some room (Open Relationship) and see what he does (Test) if he is true to his word and that he loves me, I will know sooner or later" I dont know

Static M.e.

They are talking now and they can build from there. It was a misunderstanding. She agreed to something she shouldnt have agreed to and he exploited what was probably meant as a "worst case scenario" clause in an agreement that was made in good faith.

Agreed. I hope it works out for the OP

WasIWrong

To the best of my ability, it has...

We both still love each other. We're planning our summer together for next year.

Thanks for all your advice, everyone. I'll keep you informed of our progress in this epic ordeal... and to those nay-sayers who think open relationships don't work, we haven't ruled out the possibility that we might still have one. Perhaps it was a matter of getting over that first hump (if you'll excuse the unintended pun), after which, you know what to expect.

Regards,

WasIWrong

cupsoftea

OH MY GOD,


Are you seriously still pushing for an open relationship???!!!! She will of course cop on eventually and marry your best friend if there is any justice in the world.

Sorry but I just can't get my head around your relationship.

Zombrex

WasIWrong wrote:

we haven't ruled out the possibility that we might still have one.

Don't you mean you haven't ruled out the possibility that you will ask your girl friend again to let you have one?

Where did this "we" business come from. This appears to be all coming from you. From what you have said your girlfriend seems to have little desire for an open relationship, and clearly is not happy at the idea of you sleeping with other people.

Or put it another way, do you think if you said "nah, I've changed my mind, I don't want an open relationship" your girl friend would be disappointed, or say "yes but I want one". Doesn't sound like it from what you have described.

As I said, though you profess you love her deeply, you seem to continue to put what you want well ahead of consideration for her feelings or what she wants.

Is that really love?

CathyMoran

From what I can gather from your gf's reaction she really does not want an open relationship - initially I had a lot of sympathy for you, I have been in the position of not being certain and needing my freedom to find out that I really loved my partner but the fact that you still want and open relationship suggests an inability to understand your girlfriend and a certain selfishness...she may very well stick with you because she loves you but it would not be a healthy relationship for her.

My partner and I split under very bad circumstances and I had every right to start a new relationship but in the end we could not bear to be apart but the fact that both of us had been in other relationships haunted me for a long time even though the new relationship that I had was a very nice one...I wish that we had never split up in the first place, though I am very thankful that we are still together and we are totally in love.

ircoha

Originally Posted by WasIWrong
Oh, and to hell with all of you saying you don't think I love her. You don't know her. Clearly neither do youAnd you don't know me.very glad of that

:rolleyes:

metrovelvet

Wicknight wrote:

As I said, though you profess you love her deeply, you seem to continue to put what you want well ahead of consideration for her feelings or what she wants.

Is that really love?

For some people, that is exactly what it is.

Good luck OP, but be careful.... sometimes where the genitals go, the heart follows. You are seriously risking losing her. Do you want that?

sullivk

Can't believe you are STILL pushing for the open relationship! It is clear from her reaction that it is not what she wants...If you REALLY loved her you would want her to be happy, you would stop thinking about whats in your pants and start thinking about this girl that you "love" feelings.

From what I've read it seems that she has forgiven you for what you have done and all you can think about now is your next one night stand??!! :eek:

TBH I think making plans for next summer together is a waste of time as I've got a feeling you're not going to last...

God bless your girlfriend, hopefully she'll do what cupsoftea suggests and marry your best friend!

WasIWrong

Who said I was pushing for jack s***?

Why does everyone on this board insist that they know my girlfriend better than I do?

Okay, I'll admit as easily as she has, that there was no way of knowing how she'd react. We found out the hard way.

Now we're in the stage of talking and reflecting on what happened. Perhaps open relationships aren't for us. We're thinking, as is our god-bestowed right as human beings.

I feel that there are those among you who simply don't get what open relationships are about, and are taking those bias and prejudices out on me and my situation with my girlfriend.

metrovelvet wrote:

You are seriously risking losing her. Do you want that?

Thanks for your word of warning, but trust me when I say that I'm not risking losing her. I never would.

sullivk wrote:

From what I've read it seems that she has forgiven you for what you have done and all you can think about now is your next one night stand??!

She has moved on from the situation. She had no need to forgive me, given that I hadn't done anything wrong. We both know and accept that. And to say that I'm only thinking of my next one night stand is simply talking out your arse. Again, like everyone else here, you're taking what you think about open-relationships (ie. f*** all) and trying to fit every couple into that paradigm. There is such thing as variation, and not every couple are alike.

My girlfriend and I are still very much in love. She means more to me than any one night thing could. Again with the insistence that you all know her better than I do.

metrovelvet

Do you feel this experience has made you stronger as a couple?

Im genuinely curious. Sometimes it can.

Overlord

Great thread this.
The question is did you cheat? The answer is no, of course you didn't. You both agreed to an open relationship.
All the people saying it was a terrible thing to do and how dare you, are either women or men who think like women.
Women are funny at times.
I wonder why she agreed to this 'open'' relationship though? As a guy who doesn't know you or your girlfriend I have no idea why. Maybe she thought she might meet someone better than you and maybe you thought the same. She's probably right about not knowing how she'd react though. Jealousy reared its ugly head and we all know what happens when women have a strong feeling about something. All logic and reason goes out the window. Women like to think they can be reasonable but if a strong feeling comes along reason goes bye bye and the guy gets the blame.
Women are funny.

Zombrex

WasIWrong wrote:

Who said I was pushing for jack s***?

Why does everyone on this board insist that they know my girlfriend better than I do?

Two reasons

1 - We are not biased, there is nothing we want out of this situation. There is something you want (ie an open relationship). Has the possibility that this desire for a certain outcome could have made you hear what you wanted to hear not occured to you. You continue to use "we" everytime you start a new sentence, as if all this discussion about an open relationship was a joined idea. It clearly isn't, and in my experience someone who insists a little too much that their partner is on board with something is probably attempting to convince himself or others that she is.

2 - This isn't rocket science WasIWrong. The majority of people have issues with an open relationship, and apparently your girlfriend does too. Why you can't accept that she has is beyond me. As I said you seem more interested in getting your girlfriend to agree to this than actually doing what she wants.

WasIWrong wrote:

Okay, I'll admit as easily as she has, that there was no way of knowing how she'd react.

A lot of people would disagree with that rather naive assumption. I bet you if you had posted a PI saying my girlfriend has agreed to an open relationship, but do you think she really means it, you would have got a torrent of "hell no" replies.

WasIWrong wrote:

Perhaps open relationships aren't for us.

Yah think ... :rolleyes:

WasIWrong wrote:

We're thinking, as is our god-bestowed right as human beings.

Again with the "we" bit. Surely you mean you asking her to give the idea another chance? Or do you insist that half of all this desire for an open relationship is actually originating from your girlfriend?

WasIWrong wrote:

I feel that there are those among you who simply don't get what open relationships are about, and are taking those bias and prejudices out on me and my situation with my girlfriend.

No, I feel you don't get that your girlfriend is probably not suited to having an open relationship. Just because you want one doesn't mean she will. Open relationships aren't for everyone. The odds that you would find someone who is geniunely ok with the idea are small.

WasIWrong wrote:

And to say that I'm only thinking of my next one night stand is simply talking out your arse.

What exactly are you thinking about then, considering this all blew up only a few days ok and yet you have already brought up the idea that you should continue with the open relationship?

WasIWrong wrote:

She means more to me than any one night thing could.

Then why are you asking her again for an open relationship when she clearly has such objections to it?

WasIWrong

metrovelvet wrote:

Do you feel this experience has made you stronger as a couple?

Im genuinely curious. Sometimes it can.

Strangely enough, I think it has. Although we don't talk half as much as I'd like right now (I have laryngitis, which makes taking on the phone hard), I think we're more appreciative of our time that we do spend together.

And those of you who keep saying I'm pushing her still, even after all that's happened, I wish you'd just drop it. If you must know, I'd be happy to have her and just her. There's no malice in saying that I could be happy in an open-relationship, also. My girlfriend is the one who has deferred on any decision. She said she'd rather wait to make any final decision.

Did it occur to anyone that maybe she's honestly considering it? I wish you'd put it out of your heads the idea of me, the oppressive boyfriend, constantly at her to let me sleep with other women. It's a long distance relationship, for crying out loud... I could easily get away with cheating if I so felt like it. But I choose not to. I'd rather be in a rewarding relationship.

She told me she'd dump me if she stopped loving me, or if she had suspicions that I didn't love her anymore. Throughout this whole ordeal (and beyond, in fact, given that this was all so last week, if you'll excuse my tone), we've never doubted even for a second one another's love. This might have come as a shock to both of us, mixed emotions, confusion, but above all, our love wasn't jepordized. And that's the bottem line.

I know for a fact that there is a guy where she lives that she would like to have sex with (I choose that term not to be vulgar, but to be objective... we won't be in any other relationships, after all, there is a world of difference between open relationships and polyamoury.) I mention this just to illustrate that this is not a girlfriend under immense pressure of making one of those difficult decisions where she might risk losing her boyfriend. I'm going to stay with her no matter what, because we're perfect for one another. She might see the other side of the coin, the benifits that an open relationship can bring.

Oh, and while I'm at it... two years ago, my ex-girlfriend and I broke up because she wanted an open-relationship, and I didn't. So don't think that I'm merely some typical horny guy who can't keep it in his pants. It wasn't right, then, for us, so we broke up. My girlfriend (now) is by far the more liberal of the two of us, and some would say that she rubbed off on me. Normally, it would be her that would have asked for an open-relationship. Last year, she did, and I told her it was ok. The guy she wanted to sleep with eventually ended up blowing his opportunity, and she was turned off and in the end nothing happened. That was four months that i kept it in my pants for, for all you nay-sayers.

Sometimes, it feels right. Sometimes not. Above all, this isn't going to ruin my relationship. It might make it stronger. We might have an open relationship... we might not. At the moment, it's her decision, which she'll arrive at unaided and in her own good time, without duress from me.

And that's about all I have to say. Anyone with any specific questions may go ahead and ask them... I think I've been pretty thorough, though

walshb

She agreed to an open relationship for one reason, she's obviously Mickey MAD!!

WasIWrong

Lol, you can not blame her for that... I knew that much when I asked her out...

Zombrex

WasIWrong wrote:

Sometimes, it feels right. Sometimes not. Above all, this isn't going to ruin my relationship. It might make it stronger. We might have an open relationship... we might not. At the moment, it's her decision, which she'll arrive at unaided and in her own good time, without duress from me.

What is that phrase about history repeating itself ...

You already did this.

You asked for an open relationship. She went away, and took some time to considered it. She eventually said yes. You slept with someone. She freaked out, got very upset demonstrating that despite what she said she does clearly have issues with the thought of you with another woman.

So where are you now, only a few days later ... oh yes

You have asked (again) for an open relationship. She has gone away, and is taken some time to consider it (again)....

Anyone else see where this is going ... :rolleyes:

Why are you doing this to your girlfriend if, as you claim, you aren't even that bothered with an open relationship? Why are you asking her again to consider a proposition that upset her so much only a few days ok. You are bearly back to talking to each other and yet you are still on about an open relationship.

Talk about a mind f**k. I weep for your girlfriend.

Gilgamesh

the big issue I see is that you treat an 'open relation' as something you can just turn on and off as you see fit in the actual relationship.

I would say by ecperience that the majority of people out there can't handle this type of relationship and agree to it far to fast without thinking through the consequences of it to the other partner.

for an open relationship to work , you need two things, imho, the first is an Ego as big as Australia, and the second thing is a large quantity of common sense, ON BOTH SIDES!!!

personally I don't think you did a mistake and think that your g/f just completely messed up when she agreed to this 'arrangement' but on the other hand you probably shoudl have discussed this with her more in detail instead of saying, no strings attached and it will be over as soon as she is back in the country.

Man both of you really messed up on this one, that's all I can say to that.

My longest relationship to date was an open relationship and both of us had no problems whatsoever with the other going out out and even shagging someone else. I tried explaining how one can justify an open rel. to a friend, but it is practically impossible. but from this aspect I can tell you theat making agreements for short time periods won't work and is ALWAYS a garantee to destroy any otherwise monogamous relationship

Wicknight

Wicknight wrote:

What is that phrase about history repeating itself ...

You already did this.

You asked for an open relationship. She went away, and took some time to considered it. She eventually said yes. You slept with someone. She freaked out, got very upset demonstrating that despite what she said she does clearly have issues with the thought of you with another woman.

So where are you now, only a few days later ... oh yes

You have asked (again) for an open relationship. She has gone away, and is taken some time to consider it (again)....

Anyone else see where this is going ... :rolleyes:

Why are you doing this to your girlfriend if, as you claim, you aren't even that bothered with an open relationship? Why are you asking her again to consider a proposition that upset her so much only a few days ok. You are bearly back to talking to each other and yet you are still on about an open relationship.

Talk about a mind f**k. I weep for your girlfriend.

I agree. Maybe the OP should just leave the poor girl alone.

CathyMoran

I knew a guy who was in an open relationship - everything was fine until he fell in love with one of the girls that he was dating (me, though we never had sex)...it broke up their relationship and ours as he felt too guilty afterwards. Relationships are complex enough without adding extra people. If it were me I would just wait until I could be with the person I love, there are such things as phone calls, video calls etc in the interim.

LundiMardi

Me and my ex were going to do the whole open relationship, we were together 4 years from a young age... and i personally felt it was time to see other people, BUT i couldn't NOT be with her... But, before either of us could take advantage of teh open relationship, i said it was best if we just broke up, because the day i found out she had been with another guy, toucher her, being inside of her would be the most destuctful day of my life, and i KNOW i would not have been able to handle that. And likewise for her.

Moral of the story, if you have any feelings for your girlfriend, you would

A: Not ask her if you can sleep with other women when she is conveniantly away
B: Not be exactly thrilled by the thought of her being with another man.

It would seem to me that this relationship has met the beginning of the end.

The Bollox

tbh you are a fool for telling her there and then. I mean I know you agreed to keep no secrets, but the way you told her about your boom boom was like you were rubbing it in her face. By no secrets I think it meant when she came back and asked "did you meet anyone" that then you confess to her, not the next day and deffinitly not over the intarweb