Did I cheat?

LegacyUser

Okay, tricky situation here. Gimme your honest opinion on this one, people.

About three weeks ago, my girlfriend went away for four months. I won't see her again for a little while, and I'm not okay with it. We discussed what impact this would have on us, and we decided to make our relationship an open relationship. We would allow the other to see other people, do whatever they wanted to, with the promise that there would be no secrets, and that you'd never put yourself at risk of disease, etc, always using contraception, and whatever. And then she left.

So the other night, I met a girl and we really hit it off. We went out for drinks, and it became apparant that she liked me, too. So, one thing led to another, and I made my move. She reciprocated, and we went back to my place. I didn't lead her on, or anything. She knew I had a girlfriend, and that I wasn't going to leave her, and that this thing that we had that night wasn't leading anywhere. We had sex.

The next day, the girl left, and I went about my business, work, then home again, and spoke with girlfriend online. She was in a bad mood, but I remembered our agreement. No secrets! So I told her what happened. I did feel a little guilty, at first, this being the first time either of us had been with someone else since this new agreement took effect. Of course it was going to be weird.

To make a long story short, she flew off the handle. Angry at me, can't stand the thought of me, can't look at photos of me anymore. She's guilt tripping at me, upset at me all the time, and it really stretches my nerves.

Keep in mind that this is the girl I love. I would never intentionally hurt her for any reason. I would do anything for her, including calling off the open relationship. She's more important to me than any other girl could be. But it doesn't seem to be enough anymore. Even if we went back to being monogamous, she said things wouldn't be the same.

She seems to want me to beg for forgiveness, but I'm still adamant that I've not put a single foot wrong. I did everything we agreed on, including coming clean first chance I got.

Comments please:

- Did I do something wrong? Or is this just the shock that something happened so soon?
- Has this happened to you?
- Is this relationship over? I'd do anything to make it better, but I'm not going to accept blame for wrong-doing that didn't happen.

matt-dublin

IMO, If this really is the girl you love you shouldn't have had to have an "open relationship" or felt the need to sleep with someone else.

Sorry if i sound like a prick but i feel very stonrgly that if you need to have an open relationship with someone that you shouldn't be with them

WellyJ

If the two of you can't last 4 months without being with someone else i dont see much value in your relationship to be honest.

Maybe its for the best you end it now.

Noopti

Keep in mind that this is the girl I love.

Sorry, but if you really did love this woman you wouldn't have needed to go off with another woman, even if you did both have an "agreement".

LegacyUser

Okay, a difference of opinion is welcome. But we're not arguing about the fact that I love her. I won't stand for anyone calling that into question.

An open relationship is only as open as it's part-takers are willing to be. We decided that it was best for both of us. Obviously, it seems like a mistake now, but ultimately it's not the issue here.

Ruu_Old

You should probably rethink about your relationship with your girlfriend and she probably didn't think very hard when agreeing to an open relationship with you.

Black Swan

IMO an open relationship is no relationship. Apparently, she really didn't buy into the open relationship when you did. The difference between the ideal and the real, perhaps?

metrovelvet

Technically no, you're not wrong. You made an agreement, you honoured that agreement and you were honest with her about what you did.

However, what we think we can handle in theory doesnt always work out in reality. Think about it the other way around, would you like to think about your girlfriend ****ing another man with his hands all over her?

I do think you should examine your feelings for your GF, because I suspect if you really feel the way you say you do about her, then you wouldnt have been drawn to this other girl.

You cant have it both ways. You cant have stability and **** around. It just doesnt work that way. Make your choice and live with it.

Noopti

It could also have been a test of sorts. Maybe she agreed to the open relationship without any intention of acting on it, just to see if you really were committed to, and loved, her. If that is the case, I'm afraid you failed.....after only 3 weeks.

Dublinstiofán

WasIWrong wrote:

Did I do something wrong? Or is this just the shock that something happened so soon?

Is this relationship over? I'd do anything to make it better, but I'm not going to accept blame for wrong-doing that didn't happen.

In my opinion you weren't wrong. You did however make a few mistakes but you shouldn't feel guilty in the slightest. That was the deal you both agreed on before she went away.

Your mistakes,

1. Doing this 3 weeks after she left was a little too quickly. She probably feels that if you did this after 3 weeks (regardless of whether you were technically 'permitted' to or not) that you didn't really care about her in the first place which it appears isn't the case at all.

2. I know it may have seemed that you were only keeping your end of the bargain but you shouldn't have told her online of all places. Could have chosen a better way to tell her or told her face to face when she comes back.

If she loves you the way that you (appear to) love her she will come back to you. Just give her time!

Best of luck

dr.bollocko

But....
but....
they were on a break!

melekalikimaka

in answer to your question you didnt cheat. you had an open realionship..by its very nature cheating is not possible...her own fault, if she wasnt gonna be able to deal with it she shouldnt have agreed to it

Static M.e.

While you are "technically" correct in that you didn't do anything wrong I can understand why she might be miffed slightly

Keep in mind that this is the girl I love. I would never intentionally hurt her for any reason. I would do anything for her, including calling off the open relationship. She's more important to me than any other girl could be. But it doesn't seem to be enough anymore. Even if we went back to being monogamous, she said things wouldn't be the same.

She was SO important to you that you couldn't wait 4 months. She leaves and 3 weeks later you shag another girl, well it just screams romance to me.

The statement above is WRONG in so many ways its unreal.

Beruthiel

AmIWrong wrote:

but ultimately it's not the issue here.

Apparently it is the issue.

dr.bollocko

Oh whatever. You are with a girl that you love, and she says Im leaving for 4 months, lets have an open relationship.
So the guy goes out and sleeps with another girl, making it clear to the other girl that he is in an open relationship, and saying that he has a girlfriend. Next time he talks to the girlfriend he tells her what happened, and she goes nuts.
What did the guy do wrong there, will someone please tell me?

WTF with all this crazy OP-bashing and the judgemental "IF u really loved her you wouldnt be such a sleaze-ball and sleep around" brigade.
He didnt ask for other peoples opinions on whether or not open relationships are decent, if you cant handle them fair enough but dont knock others for trying it.
How does him agreeing to have an open relationship mean he is an unromantic sleazy prick? Get off your high horse and realise for one second that sex does not always equal love and vice versa, and that true love in this world is about a million things and not just sex.
Dont sign up for an open relationship if you cant take the pain, but dont be surprised if you give a dog a bone and he takes it. The girlfriend is being very unfair to the guy and I dont care what you say about your one true love, but some of the reply posts here are so unrealistic as to be laughable.

biko

dr.bollocko wrote:

But....
but....
they were on a break!

Damn, I wanted to be the one to say that.

About three weeks ago, my girlfriend went away for four months. I won't see her again for a little while, and I'm not okay with it.

OP, this sounds like you took the initiave to the open relationship. Then you where the first to have sex.

I can certainly understand that she was angry. Your girlfriend probably hoped you could last four months until she was back again but you didn't even last four weeks...

Even though you had an argrement - it is not the same as buying a car or something. We are dealing with people's feelings here and it's not gonna be solved that easy by logic.

dats_right

I can't believe that you actually believed all that 'no secrets' b*ll*cks! Sometimes, my friend it is best to be economical with the truth so that people don't get hurt. I'm certainly not going to lecture you about throwing your leg over some bird, infact I don't see anything wrong with that aspect of your story in the slightest, the problem my friend is your big gob, I'm literally in stitches thinking that you thought it was ok to tell your gf that you nailed some bird.

As it happens, similar enough situation myself a few years back, gf went to study abroad for a year, made all those promises, sure I was nailing anything that walked but I certainly didn't tell her and all was fine and dandy till i nailed a friend of hers, who in turn blabbed to my then gf. At least I was caught out fair and square, but to actually tell her, well I think that is mad altogether!

Don't you know that what women say and what they actually mean are often completely different. What did you expect her to say? 'fair play to ya' or 'that's ok darling'. While, you didn't technically cheat on her, I doubt whether she will forgive you and she will probably go out in search of a sh*g this weekend (if she hasn't already!). Your best bet is to grovel, grovel, grovel and if I was you I'd buy a ticket over to her and tell her how sorry you are, drop some smooth lines.Tell her that other bird was a mistake and that she's the only one for you. If your lucky she will forgive you in about 40 years..

seamus

WasIWrong wrote:

- Did I do something wrong? Or is this just the shock that something happened so soon?

In a cold and clean manner, and devoid of any personal or emotive opinion, no, you did absolutely nothing wrong. You had an agreement, that for all intents and purposes, you were no longer going out while she was away, and anything goes.
Unfortunately rational thinking is usually the first thing to lose when emotion goes out the door. No-one except your girlfriend can really say why she is upset. Perhaps it's cos it happened so soon, perhaps it's because she never really thought you'd sleep with someone else, or perhaps there's something more about said woman which effects her feelings on it. Perhaps she never really wanted it, but went along anyway. Who knows?

- Is this relationship over? I'd do anything to make it better, but I'm not going to accept blame for wrong-doing that didn't happen.

That's for the two of you to decide. If this is something that she's going to use against you in future, then you're probably better off cutting your losses. On the other hand, if you can give her some time to think about the entire scheme and to perhaps accept that she made a mistake and get over whatever it is she feels, then you could go on.

Personally, I find it weird that you were actively seeking out another woman just three weeks after "the love of your life" headed off to the States. It would be a little different if perhaps you ended up pissed and horny and dragging some woman home, but the fact that you met her and invited her out on a date (i.e. you had completely premeditated it) is just strange to me.

Kell

WasIWrong wrote:

we decided to make our relationship an open relationship. We would allow the other to see other people, do whatever they wanted to, with the promise that there would be no secrets, and that you'd never put yourself at risk of disease, etc, always using contraception, and whatever. And then she left.

I dont see what her problem is TBH if ye BOTH agreed that it was an open relationship. Tough titties for her for agreeing to it and then having problems after the fact is my opinion.

And no- if it was a mutual open decision then no you didnt do the dirt.

K-

Fanny Cradock

i can't understand why people do these type of things. if you care for someone enough you will be hurt if they sleep with someone else even with an "agreement".

basically, she gave you licence to sow you oats and you didn't dawdle. it is actually possible to go for a few months without having sex. if this girl was worth waiting then it shouldn't have been too much to ask. though in fairness to you,she never should have agreed to this when she clearly wasn't into it. let it be a warning - either commit to someone or breat up. no halfway bs.

anyway, how would you have felt if the tables were turned? that's probably your answer.

metrovelvet

biko wrote:

We are dealing with people's feelings here and it's not gonna be solved that easy by logic.

Yep. YOu cant apply logic, contract, and agreement to the amorous realm. Its a bit like "using bulldozers to understand orchids".

Beruthiel

WasIWrong wrote:

Keep in mind that this is the girl I love.

Many couples are quite happy to be in open relationships. Many would never dream of going down that road.

Were you having this 'open relationship' while she was here?
If the answer is no to that question then you had a fairly large clue how she would take this latest developement.

In saying that, I cannot understand why she would agree to this if she isn't happy now.
Who's idea was this in the first place?

Noopti

The fact that they decided to have an "open relationship" for the sake of 4 months apart indicates to me that their relationship isn't at a high enough level for him or her to be in love.
Maybe I'm wrong on that, but I wouldn't even contemplate sleeping with another woman, even if myself and my girlfriend had an "agreement". Just because you can do something doesn't necessarily mean that you should. Chirst, a 10 year old kid could tell you that.

Noopti

all was fine and dandy till i nailed a friend of hers, who in turn blabbed to my then gf

You laughed at the OP for "opening his gob", yet you slept with your gf mate and expected to get away with it.

Magic Pips

you made a mistake... telling her!

You should have broken up properly, so anything within the 4 months is your business!

Then if its meant to be when she comes back it'll all be gravy.

As your position is now, stay strong, she went away, she was part of the agreement so shes gotta deal with it too

tabatha

matt-dublin wrote:

IMO, If this really is the girl you love you shouldn't have had to have an "open relationship" or felt the need to sleep with someone else.

Sorry if i sound like a prick but i feel very stonrgly that if you need to have an open relationship with someone that you shouldn't be with them

i totally agree with you. he is very much in the wrong, no question about it!

WasIWrong

Thanks to all people replying, especially those of you attacking my personal integrity/restraint/worth as a human being. All comments really are appreciated.

Seems that there's a lot of speculation about our background... let me clarify a few things, then:

-We've been together for a year and a half now. I should have mentioned that it's a long distance thing. I've gone without sex for MORE than four months, before, so people attacking my restraint be warned.

Why did we want an open relationship? Long story...
I've been in a relationship ever since I was 16. I was never single after that... ever. Went from one long term relationship (4 years) into this one, within a few weeks, and been in it ever since.
Next year, we're planning on moving in together, maybe buy a place, maybe even get married (who knows?). I've always talked with her honestly, and told her that i've had some regrets about missing those teenage years where you can just enjoy being single. Maybe that's why we both felt that while she was away, I should try and experience a bit of the single life, so to speak. We agreed that the best option was for me to get it over and done with as soon as possible, because I'm in my final year in college, and soon things will get stressful because of exams.

In short, she pretty much told me to go out and get laid, get it done, and get those regrets out of my system, so that I can get back with her with the assurance that there's no one out there that I'd rather be with.

I'm only free to stay with her when I'm free to leave

Okay, so with all that out of the way... more comments would be welcome...


WasIWrong

Noopti

n short, she pretty much told me to go out and get laid, get it done, and get those regrets out of my system, so that I can get back with her with the assurance that there's no one out there that I'd rather be with.

In that case she really doesn't have any complaint. She basically told you to get laid.

Personally, I wouldn't want to sleep with anyone else, because I love the woman I'm with so much. But then again, my situation is different, and I have previously enjoyed the single life, so to speak.

Cactus Col

As people have said, technically you weren't wrong.

You could've used some common sense and not told her when she was down or in a bad mood. It seems a bit like rubbing her face in it.

While you didn't cheat, I do think you are at fault.

Amazotheamazing

Nah, you were right to be with someone else, your g/f agreed to an open relationship and she should be adult enough to deal with it.

Vegeta

I don't think you were in the wrong at all but if you truly love this girl and all it takes is a sincere apology and for you to ask for forgiveness to make it right, why wouldn't you say sorry?

Look mate you were not wrong but the fact is your girlfriends feelings were still hurt. I know you have to respect yourself and your values but if you truly love this girl say sorry for hurting her.

Explain how you thought she was ok with it but continue to tell her that you are sorry for hurting her (because your actions did hurt her) and would not have done it if you knew her true feelings.