So she tells you that she loves you...

LegacyUser · 25-06-2002 7:42am #1

... and you tell her the honest truth, that you're not sure if you're in love with her, but that you need to know her better to find out (perhaps this is an easy way of saying that you don't think that you love her, but that's another question).

Happened me recently, my gf, who I like a lot and care about lots, told me the ILY story. She gave me a chance to stop her, which in hindsight I should have taken (20/20 vision that) - but I'm not the cleverest of people in these regards and let her continue, suspecting what she was going to say, and knowing that I could do nothing but tell her the truth in response.

So the end result was her in tears, saying that she felt "foolish" for telling me, also saying she suspected my answer.

I feel pretty bad about this, I really messed up and made her feel terrible. At the same time I told her the truth (in the nicest way possible, but that doesnt help), I couldn't do otherwise.

We're not living together, thinking about it, going out for 4 months now, and live in different parts of the country which makes it tough, I won't see her til the weekend now.

What the hell do I do? What can I say? I feel awful about this.

TIA.

Ruaidhri · 25-06-2002 8:53am

smells like emotional blackmail mate

the only thing you should do is stick to YOUR feelings and dont let yourself be bullied into something you dont want

LegacyUser · 25-06-2002 9:01am

Originally posted by Ruaidhri
smells like emotional blackmail mate

the only thing you should do is stick to YOUR feelings and dont let yourself be bullied into something you dont want

I don't think it's blackmail - she's not trying to get me to do anything, and she is glad I told her the truth, but it still hurts her. She's not trying to make me feel bad, but unfortunately I do anyway.

I am not letting myself be bullied by her, but at the same time I feel bad myself, see what I mean? Thanks for the input.

Beruthiel · 25-06-2002 9:19am

it's quite simple, tell her you are in unfamiliar territory, that you are trying to work out exactly what love is, that you have very strong feeling towards her, but it's early days yet, and until you are 100% sure of what it is that you are feeling, could she please bare with you, because at least when you eventually say it to her, she will know that you are not bullsh*tting her.
some may say it's a cop out, but I would prefer to wait until some one is ready than hear a line that may not be true.

LegacyUser · 25-06-2002 9:22am

Its always hard. Better telling her now than a year down the line. Its easy to just stay together because you dont want to hurt her. You did the right thing. Just give her a bit of time to work it out for herself. If you dont and wont love her, just end it now. It'll be the best for both of you in the end.

Baz_ · 25-06-2002 10:12am

Originally posted by Unregistered
Its always hard. Better telling her now than a year down the line. Its easy to just stay together because you dont want to hurt her. You did the right thing. Just give her a bit of time to work it out for herself. If you dont and wont love her, just end it now. It'll be the best for both of you in the end.

That outcome wasnt even implied, thats some leap of thought to make.

Anyway Beruthiel put it perfectly, apart from leaving out the word not in one of her sentences.

elexes · 25-06-2002 10:17am

i rember telling one of my gf's i thought i loved her after a while just cause i was bored and thought she might like it and would improve the sex . it worked tho . actually told a few of them that .

another a while ago who i did respect etc.. told me she loved me i just responded with ( ive shortened it down a lot it took a hr to explain and i aint wrighting all that out ) ive been hurt to many times in the past i dont know how i feel yet or even if i will ever love you but i do like you and like you now in the future who knows whats going to happen .

she was a bit dissapointed but did understand that what had happened to me was the true .

eth0_ · 25-06-2002 3:05pm

Originally posted by elexes
i rember telling one of my gf's i thought i loved her after a while just cause i was bored and thought she might like it and would improve the sex . it worked tho . actually told a few of them that

[edit: don't call names. If you dont like what he says then disargee like you did below, thank you. ]

You obviously don't even know what love is, and with an attitude like yours I hope you never do! I've only ever been truly in love with only one guy and I certainly wouldn't bandy about the phrase 'I love you' just in the hope of getting someone in the sack.

[no name-calling]

<< Fio >>

Ruaidhri · 25-06-2002 3:11pm

You obviously don't even know what love is, and with an attitude like yours I hope you never do! I've only ever been truly in love with only one guy and I certainly wouldn't bandy about the phrase 'I love you' just in the hope of getting someone in the sack.

eth0_ , i'm not going to defend his comment BUT i've seen women do worse than this JUST for sex. In fact thinking of it now i can say that(in my experiance)women would lie for sex before men(w/o alcohol)

[edit: name calling removed from the quote]

Beruthiel · 25-06-2002 3:12pm

thanks Baz

fixed it

darthmise · 25-06-2002 3:21pm

Just trying to get my head around that post from Elexes!

You say YOU LIED to a few girlfriends that you loved them and then told the current girlfriend that you couldn't tell her you loved her because YOU had been hurt too many times before, and that she eventually realised that it was the TRUTH!?!?!?

Have i got that right??
Correct me if I'm wrong...

elexes · 25-06-2002 3:30pm

get to know me im a lot weirder . yes telling them dose give them a boost dono why just dose btw did it matter then when i told her that she was also cheating on me at the same time ... dont think it did i didnt care . did improve sex that night was fun . dont reely care what u think of me u dont even know me or what my past experience has been .

dathmise think you do have it wrong . ill explain it to you some time over a pint or in irc .

in short loved 1 lost 1 betrayed by 1 longest relationship almost 3 years .

could it be the same person ?

darthmise · 25-06-2002 3:55pm

I'm sorry elexes but i can't make head nor tail of anything your posting. I'm not trying to be funny because it pisses me off when people correct other peoples grammar on the net, it's childish carry on, but i have no idea what you are trying to say.
You could try again but i don't think it'll do any good. I don't think i'm all that intrested in your explanation anyway...

Back to the topic, i think the only thing you can do is to be honest with yourself. If you know you don't love this person, and if you carry on regardless, then you are only fooling yourself.
I'm in the exact same situation at the moment, with a girl who finds it hard to open up, but that wasn't important because we were only a casual thing up to now, bu now i can feel her beginning to commit and i want out. I don't want to hurt her but thats inevitable at this stage. Its a ****ty situation to be in.

eth0_ · 25-06-2002 4:26pm

True. A woman will usually know when a man is lying to her when he tells her he loves her.

And you seem as transparent as a pane of glass, Elexes, so i'm sure the sex was only better in your mind.

elexes · 25-06-2002 4:32pm

Originally posted by eth0_
True. A woman will usually know when a man is lying to her when he tells her he loves her.

And you seem as transparent as a pane of glass, Elexes, so i'm sure the sex was only better in your mind.

you could be right there

SYL · 25-06-2002 4:35pm

I don't think that whether a woman knows a guy is lying or not is the issue here - this guy is genuinely cheesed off. If you ask me, unregistered guy, I think you did the right thing. You did her a favour by telling her the truth, you did yourself a favour by being true to yourself and you are keeping the playing-field open, so that she knows where ye both stand with each other. Personally, when a girl tells me she loves me, its quite unnerving for a while. To change the subject slightly, one of the reasons I really liked the spiderman movie was for the last line he says in the film to Mary Jane, after she tells him she loves him. "I'll always be there, I'll always be.....your friend. Thats all I have to give". In essence, if you can't love a girl, level with her and tell her so.
Or alternatively, if you're the sadistic type, you could just string her along for a while, demean her in every possible way, and then kick her to the kerb.
Your choice buddy!!!!!

eth0_ · 25-06-2002 4:44pm

Yeah, I didn't say unregistered guy (and there's so many of them out there) did the *wrong* thing, I'd just like to know exactly what he said....I mean personally I could accept it if they said they couldn't say it yet...peoples emotions work at different speeds don't they. But It does depend on the tact with which you said you don't feel the same way

At least unreg didn't say it first without meaning it, like a certain snake on this thread! *cough*elexes*cough*

SYL · 25-06-2002 4:57pm

Without wanting to sound like a $hithead here, you do what you have to do to get the job done. Elexes wanted a better ride, so he told the girl(s) he loved them....and it worked......end of story. Who wants to play by the rules anyway.

Mr Dictionary · 25-06-2002 5:50pm

Ahh love, a torrid brobdingnagian extant. Your trepidation remains requisitly comestible. A raucous sobriquet of an insouciant and colloquial, although quite gregarious may offer you a jovial and evanescent quotidian.

LegacyUser · 25-06-2002 5:57pm

Thanks for the opinions guys, couple of responses:

SYL: Unfortunately, I'm not the sadistic type, if I was that would make things very easy for me right now

Elexes: Fortunately, you are the sadistic type, I hope your relationships are as easy and un-caring as you want them to be.

Other unreg'd: I don't know what I said in my original post, but you are so far off the mark you're not even on the same continent.

Originally posted by eth0_
I'd just like to know exactly what he said....I mean personally I could accept it if they said they couldn't say it yet...peoples emotions work at different speeds don't they. But It does depend on the tact with which you said you don't feel the same way

Hi eth0_,

Basically I listened to her tell me that she loved me, then in the least hurtful way possible, I told her that I didn't know yet if I did love her but that that didn't mean that I did not.

More info: She's thinking about moving a significant distance accross the country to live with me. We've been going out for 4 months but it's been difficult because of distance. I'd like to try living with her to see how compatible we are, but I'm obviously unsure of things.

I do not hold the opinion that if you do not know if you love someone, then you obviously do not - it's patent bs. I think it can grow, and I just want to give it a chance and see, but without telling any lies or misleading ourselves.

Your input is appreciated guys (even you Elexes, you make me feel better

).

Unreg Guy.

Samson · 25-06-2002 5:59pm

Originally posted by Mr Dictionary
Ahh love, a torrid brobdingnagian extant. Your trepidation remains requisitly comestible. A raucous sobriquet of an insouciant and colloquial, although quite gregarious may offer you a jovial and evanescent quotidian.

I wonder if Typedef has discovered the wonders of a trolling account ?

WhiteWashMan · 25-06-2002 6:39pm

why in the name of god would you move in with someone after 4 months, let alone if you didnt love her.

are you mad sir?

you may not love her, but i think you should sit down and think about where you think your relationship is going.
she may just have reached the next stage before you.
sit her down and discuss where she thinks the relationship is going, what you both would like to gain from the relationship, and do you both see your selves together in a years time.

and you both have to be brutally honest?

do you really want to be togther, or are you just hangin onto her becuase you are waiting for something better?
is she moving to be with you becuase shes afraid of being alone?
do you think you can love her?
have you ever loved before?
have you lived with somene before?
has she?

to be honest, i think the fact that you post here shows how incredibly uncertain you are about the whole issue.

form personal experience, i will never do anything that i was 100% behind and 110% happy with.
i will never do something just becuase it makes my partner happy while i am unhappy about it.

but mostly, relationships are about building a life with someone, and the most important thing in a relationship is honesty.
without that, there is no trust, and without that there is no love and no relationship that will last.
talk to each other.

LegacyUser · 25-06-2002 8:11pm

Hi WhiteWashMan,

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
why in the name of god would you move in with someone after 4 months, let alone if you didnt love her.

She's thinking about moving a significant distance accross the country to live with me. We've been going out for 4 months but it's been difficult because of distance. I'd like to try living with her to see how compatible we are, but I'm obviously unsure of things.

We could move in with each other because we are very compatible and care a lot for each other, and don't see each other often enough as is.

Where did I say that I didn't love her? Did you read the posts? I just said that I wasn't certain that I did.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
are you mad sir?

Depends on your definition. I talk to myself sometimes but I don't believe that's really a sign of madness.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
you may not love her,

(Maybe he did read the posts)

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
but i think you should sit down and think about where you think your relationship is going.

Preaching to the choir, I/we've done nothing but that lately.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
she may just have reached the next stage before you.

I think that might well be the case.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
sit her down and discuss where she thinks the relationship is going, what you both would like to gain from the relationship,

Yeah, that's what got me to here so far (it's still good advice).

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
and do you both see your selves together in a years time.

Good advice. We hadn't talked about it very much, and certainly not so bluntly. We both admitted that we were scared of thinking about the long-term future, and we put it off. Perhaps we need to revisit this. Thanks.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
and you both have to be brutally honest?

True.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
do you really want to be togther, or are you just hangin onto her becuase you are waiting for something better?

I'm certainly not waiting for any reason.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
is she moving to be with you becuase shes afraid of being alone?

No, she's 100% certain definitely in love with me, I have no doubt as to her motivation.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
do you think you can love her?

Yes, I think so. But I don't think that I am quick to love.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
have you ever loved before?
have you lived with somene before?
has she?

No, no and no.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
to be honest, i think the fact that you post here shows how incredibly uncertain you are about the whole issue.

Absolutely, spot on, that's the whole idea of posting.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
form personal experience, i will never do anything that i was 100% behind and 110% happy with.
i will never do something just becuase it makes my partner happy while i am unhappy about it.

I'm right there, teetering on the end of uncertainty, not knowing what's the right thing to do. As yet I have not done anything that I am not 100% behind, and hopefully I dont.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
but mostly, relationships are about building a life with someone, and the most important thing in a relationship is honesty.
without that, there is no trust, and without that there is no love and no relationship that will last

Agreed. We've been completely honest with each other so far, and definitely trust each other. I'm just a bit slow on the love side of things.

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan
talk to each other.

Good advice.

Thanks a lot for your opinion.
Unreg Guy.

Khynareth · 26-06-2002 12:24pm

Originally posted by Beruthiel
it's quite simple, tell her you are in unfamiliar territory, that you are trying to work out exactly what love is, that you have very strong feeling towards her, but it's early days yet, and until you are 100% sure of what it is that you are feeling,

Many thanks, I never thought of that one, but your putting into words something that has been bothering me for a while

Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks

Beruthiel · 26-06-2002 12:53pm

Originally posted by Khynareth
Many thanks, I never thought of that one, but your putting into words something that has been bothering me for a while

Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks

welcome, you are, young Padawan - use it for good purposes only

smiles · 26-06-2002 8:21pm

Okay, personally i dont argee with what elexes did, but i try not to judge people based on what they say here, there's more than just that brief moment of his life he told us about, and i'm sure some of ye here have done stuff thats worse than that.

As for women lying for sex? yup. they do, it's that simple. so do men (shock horror -- nearly as ridiculous as the so called "female orgasm").

Don't lie to her, she might or she might not be able to tell. Either way, you'll probably feel bad about me.

/me is on a kinda a karma buzz atm.

<< Fio >>

TacT · 26-06-2002 9:31pm

If someone tells you they love you after 3/4months of going out with each other (unless you've known each other all your lives) I suspect she is only afraid of losing you and being alone or she wants some more security in the relationship.

I sense a mild case of "please don't leave me I'll be all alone in the big bad world"

Last time a girl told me she loved me after 3 months seeing her I just stopped, looked at her, my jaw literally dropped and I could see straight through it.

There may be such thing as love at first sight but this good sir is absolute nonsense, 3 months is nothing in a relationship, hell you haven't even been away travelling together/lived together, sounds to me like she doesn't know what love is. If she really loves you she'll have no problem waiting 5 years to move in with you

Sorry if it seems mean but I fear you have yourself a clingon, engage the warp 6 and get the hell out of there

WhiteWashMan · 27-06-2002 9:35am

Originally posted by tactical anni
If someone tells you they love you after 3/4months of going out with each other (unless you've known each other all your lives) I suspect she is only afraid of losing you and being alone or she wants some more security in the relationship.

no i totally disagre.
some people do fall in love quicker than others.
i am one fo those people who do it.
i dont see anything wrong with it.
i dont apologise for it, and i sure as hell dont need someone to tell me that the way i feel after a short time is rubbish.

there are many things that will draw someone to another person, and not al of them are negative. not every one is a clinging, needy, high maintenance, lonely person.

there are actually people who just connect.

darthmise · 27-06-2002 10:22am

Originally posted by tactical anni

sounds to me like she doesn't know what love is.

HOw can you make that assumption?!?

You are totally basing your theory on the girl you knew. She is not indicitave of all women, and is not THE RULE that states that a women can't say 'i love you' within three months.

I think YOU found yourself a clingon. By all means tell us your story, but don't make it the benchmark for all relationships.

I agree totally with White wash man. I fell in love with a girl before i got to be with her so if you could give me a star trek analogy for that one i'd appreciate it.

And I think he's already stated that he has no doubt about how strongly she feels fo rhim, the question is does he feel the same.

Unreg guy,
My only advice is as soon as you know let her know.

TacT · 27-06-2002 12:30pm

imho if it's true love you'll both know, there won't be one of you "out there", fair enough, my comments were biased due to one or two bad experiences in the past thus it seems silly/wrong to you. If you were both in love after 3 months then I'm sure you would have had no problem in telling her, it's more the fact that you don't know how to respond which makes me believe you are not in love. If you were you would know all about it, I have been before and all I can say is it works both ways. Thus if you were in love you would have responded in kind immediately which brings me to the conclusion that you are not in love.

I never made that one relationship the "benchmark" for the rest of my relationships. Although sometimes it's a hard thing to do

and I have done it once in the past.

Fair enough wwm, you fall in love within 3 months, I just haven't yet and don't see how I could, but if/when I do I'll be sure to tell you all about it

The problem I have with this is of course is that you have all the time in the world and instead of going about things in a relaxed/sensible manner it seems to me that confessing something so deep requires more time, don't make me play the I'll say what I want card

it's only a point of view and my opinion yadeeya etc. My opinion on it is that if you confess you love someone after 3 months you are rushing things for one reason or another......

Darth mise - I make that assumption because I can

just a guess in the dark, nothing more. If you don't like what I'm saying then use your ignore button, I didn't ask you to like it and how do you know this girl does really love him anyway?

We're not the people to be asking about this because as you can see we all have our views etc based on past experiences, even though others have difficulty accepting them and the way that they have made us.

I also never said every person was needy/clingon etc wwm it was just a suggestion such as the rest of them made before me, for all I care my advice can go pissing into the wind and so be it. Now you're all making silly assumptions about me and my love life due to my responses, why don't you just give the guy advice and let him do what he will with it

I also never said there weren't people that didn't connect....and I have done in the past (literally love at first sight) but it took me a year before I confessed my love to her...

WhiteWashMan · 27-06-2002 2:18pm

Originally posted by tactical anni
imho if it's true love you'll both know, there won't be one of you "out there", fair enough, my comments were biased due to one or two bad experiences in the past thus it seems silly/wrong to you. If you were both in love after 3 months then I'm sure you would have had no problem in telling her, it's more the fact that you don't know how to respond which makes me believe you are not in love. If you were you would know all about it, I have been before and all I can say is it works both ways. Thus if you were in love you would have responded in kind immediately which brings me to the conclusion that you are not in love.

i agree, if you are in love you will know it.
no point continuing this line...

Originally posted by tactical anni

I never made that one relationship the "benchmark" for the rest of my relationships. Although sometimes it's a hard thing to do and I have done it once in the past.

but it does seem as though that is what you base your advice on?
and is benchmark as such.
you havent given an alternative.

Originally posted by tactical anni
Fair enough wwm, you fall in love within 3 months, I just haven't yet and don't see how I could, but if/when I do I'll be sure to tell you all about it
The problem I have with this is of course is that you have all the time in the world and instead of going about things in a relaxed/sensible manner it seems to me that confessing something so deep requires more time, don't make me play the I'll say what I want card it's only a point of view and my opinion yadeeya etc. My opinion on it is that if you confess you love someone after 3 months you are rushing things for one reason or another......

i have never ever told anyone that they cant post wat they want.
but dont assume that becuase you take the safe route into a relationship that others dont.
personally im a go and get it person. i throw myself into relationships and i enjoy myself. i dont sit back and think of every move and say to myself 'well, you know i love this girl, but its only been three months. i should wait at least a year before i tell her i love her'
hell, bugger that!
if i wake up one day and discover that i think about her from the moment of waking to the moment i sleep, if i dream about her, if i want to text her or mail her or phone her becuase i want contact with her, if i want spend my free time with her, if i talk to her and she talks to me and we get on wonderfully and we enjoy each other physically, then yes, i will tell that girl that im in love with her. becuase to me thats what love is. to me love is wanting to be with someone. they are the first person i want to share news with. they are the one i want to say goodnight to and the one i want to kiss in the morning when i wake up. they are the one i want to tell my life to and the one i want to learn about. thay are the one i want to make smile and laugh, and when they are sad, i want to take away the pain, beucase making them happy is the most important thing to me. i want that person to let me help when they are low, and the person who will carry me when i am daown. this is the person i love.
and i dont nessecarily think you need to know someone for a certain persiod of time before you can decide. i dont have a check box list that i tick of and if theres enough ticks, its time.
i just know.
i have only fallen in love 3 times. im 28. i think i know when im with someone tht i love. and all of them have been within 2 months of meeting. thats just me.

and i like it. and i like me, so im not worried about rushing anything. i will say it. and lets face it, if you feel the above from someone you are going to get it back, you will know if someone loves you back.

Originally posted by tactical anni
I also never said every person was needy/clingon etc wwm it was just a suggestion such as the rest of them made before me, for all I care my advice can go pissing into the wind and so be it. Now you're all making silly assumptions about me and my love life due to my responses, why don't you just give the guy advice and let him do what he will with it

youre entire post was made up of cling-on references. i made no assumptions about you love life. in fact i didnt mention it at all.
i mearly disagreed and said that not everyone was like that. your mail indicated that you did. and if read the thread you will find that yes, i did give some advice, and yes, i did warn about needy clingy people.
you didnt give advice, you gave a small story about your previous love life and now we know how you feel about love.
great.
now, whats your point?

Originally posted by tactical anni
I also never said there weren't people that didn't connect....and I have done in the past (literally love at first sight) but it took me a year before I confessed my love to her...

you never said but you never didnt either.
dont try and wriggle out of it that easy.

and if youve had love at first sight, then why the problem with admitting it?
are you afraid of your own feelings?
or are you afraid of her rejection?
classic signs of a clingy needy person right there.....................

darthmise · 27-06-2002 2:53pm

I'm not going to get into a little tete a tete on this one and hijack this thread, but Tactical anni, i never once made any assumptions about you or your relationship.

And the last line of my post did give what bit of advice i feel i'm qualified to give. I do not know if he loves his girlfriend and i do not know if she loves him.

And i don't want to sift through your post but:

Originally posted by tactical anni

Fair enough wwm, you fall in love within 3 months, I just haven't yet and don't see how I could,

I also never said there weren't people that didn't connect....and I have done in the past (literally love at first sight) but it took me a year before I confessed my love to her...

So tell me now how can i take anything you say to be the truth.
It seems to me like you'll peddle bullsh1t just to win an argument.
Lets leave it at that and let unreggie get some advice instead of having to read this quibbling.

LegacyUser · 27-06-2002 7:15pm

wwm I don't hold anything against you and the way you go into your relationships, I would appreciate if you could hold out the same consideration for myself. As for the checklist well your just being absolutely stupid right there, thank you v.much for publicly offending me and further continuing to insult me lads.

Now wwm you have absolutely NO idea's about how many relationships I've been in etc and most certainly have NO right to say "that's what your idea of love is" you arrogant git.

I've dived into a few relationships and now I tend to take it a little bit more slowly although if I'm head over heels with someone then obviously I won't.

Darth Mise I'm a little bit embarrassed now so will elaborate on my "love at first sight". I met a girl whom I was mad about, we didn't get together until a year later but that year was filled with her (in my mind) and I didn't see anyone else for the year until I met her again (kind of like saving myself for the right person, I was only 17) we had kept in touch and she sent me a few letters mostly a few weeks before I arrived back in France and was telling me how much she was also looking forward to meeting me. I met her she told me she got together with someone else the night before my arrival (after giving me a big hug n a kiss and me telling her right off the bat that I loved her). I was pretty pissed as you can imagine. I appear to have stumbled on my own words and that is in fact what happened and is but ONE of the reasons I am more cautious these days. You may ask samba and the rest of my family if you don't believe my story now as they all watched me break down and go into hibernation for a week :mad:

I don't lie because I have no reasons to lie, although if you choose not to believe me due to me fumbling in my rant beforehand then so be it, I also take offence to the fact you think I'm peddling **** just to win an argument. Sorry to say I'm not that petty. I hate to dissapoint you, don't always assume others do what you may

I hate those people that feel there has to be a POINT to everything, take what you will from my little story wwm, thank you. V.childish condescending attitude wwm, you dissapoint me. Dont' try and wriggle out of it, listen here if I meet someone and the sparks start flying you honestly believe I'm going to be oh so cautious and wait a year or whatnot before I confess my feelings, yeah grow up please.

Finally again to wwm, No I have no problems with my feelings and no problems admitting them, I am happy with who I am thank you very much, yet more condescending childish crap from you.
Am I afraid of her rejection? Good god if I was in the pub I'd slap you right now like a 2cent slut, where do you get off? I handle rejection just fine, water off a ducks back sir.
As for the classic signs of a clingy needy person

in your dreams, I'm relatively easy going but I most certainly won't have some cretin that dives head first into everything like a hot headed tomato tell me who I am and what I'm about. Good day to you all.

Thank you for genuinely upsetting me. I love the way you just judge people by their posts, I suppose you don't reserve any kind of judgement till you've met someone? WWM next time you go to a boards get together feel free to come have a chat with me about it, but pls leave your hostility at home or I'll quite frankly have to bitchslap you.

:mad:BAD MOOD DAY:mad:

TacT · 27-06-2002 7:17pm

yadeeya

WhiteWashMan · 28-06-2002 9:54am

Originally posted by Unregistered
wwm I don't hold anything against you and the way you go into your relationships, I would appreciate if you could hold out the same consideration for myself. As for the checklist well your just being absolutely stupid right there, thank you v.much for publicly offending me and further continuing to insult me lads.

correct me if im wrong, but wasnt i talking about me?
i do think i was talking about me, and i wasnt talking about you.
paranoid?

Originally posted by Unregistered

Now wwm you have absolutely NO idea's about how many relationships I've been in etc and most certainly have NO right to say "that's what your idea of love is" you arrogant git.
:

easy there tiger....
as you said yourself, i dont want to play my free speech card. im sure you will allow me the same courtesy.
i also think that what i think is me falling love, in which case i fail to see how me discussing my ideas on relationships and love can be changed into me being arrogant. i certainly didnt tell you what your views on love is, i said that i precieved you to be a slow person in a relationship, becuase, you said it yourself.

Originally posted by Unregistered

I've dived into a few relationships and now I tend to take it a little bit more slowly although if I'm head over heels with someone then obviously I won't.

so why didnt you say that instead of giving it the whole, ive been hurt so i take it slow?
you are sending mixed messages?
im not trying to pick a fight, im trying to figure out why you gave the advice you did, becuase i think you were off mark. do go ape on me becuase im questioning you becuase you have given inaccurate information. and you have admitted so.

Originally posted by Unregistered
Darth Mise I'm a little bit embarrassed now so will elaborate on my "love at first sight". I met a girl whom I was mad about, we didn't get together until a year later but that year was filled with her (in my mind) and I didn't see anyone else for the year until I met her again (kind of like saving myself for the right person, I was only 17) we had kept in touch and she sent me a few letters mostly a few weeks before I arrived back in France and was telling me how much she was also looking forward to meeting me. I met her she told me she got together with someone else the night before my arrival (after giving me a big hug n a kiss and me telling her right off the bat that I loved her). I was pretty pissed as you can imagine. I appear to have stumbled on my own words and that is in fact what happened and is but ONE of the reasons I am more cautious these days. You may ask samba and the rest of my family if you don't believe my story now as they all watched me break down and go into hibernation for a week :mad:

bah, stupid women, always breaking our hearts

Originally posted by Unregistered
I don't lie because I have no reasons to lie, although if you choose not to believe me due to me fumbling in my rant beforehand then so be it, I also take offence to the fact you think I'm peddling **** just to win an argument. Sorry to say I'm not that petty. I hate to dissapoint you, don't always assume others do what you may :

i wasnt insinuating you were lying. i was just asking broad term questions. christ what is it with people on this board that they get defensive about the smallest things. i would only call someone a lier if i caught them lying. dont worry about it. im not. personally i couldnt care less if you told me you were brother of the pope. until you poved itherwise i would assume you are.

Originally posted by Unregistered
I hate those people that feel there has to be a POINT to everything, take what you will from my little story wwm, thank you. V.childish condescending attitude wwm, you dissapoint me. Dont' try and wriggle out of it, listen here if I meet someone and the sparks start flying you honestly believe I'm going to be oh so cautious and wait a year or whatnot before I confess my feelings, yeah grow up please.

:

christ on a bike, you really are narky arent you.
condecending maybe, but thats me. childish?
i dont think so.
i dont think anything about you.
if you read my post, its mostly open questions inviting you to talk more about it, or its statements about me. i very rarely actually go into other peoples posts that much, unless im being a bad man and insulting you. in which case you would certainly know about it.
no, im just trying to get a discussion going, and ive asked some questions, which you seem to think are an attack on you. but that says more about you than me tbh.
im sorry to disappoint you, and what is it im wriggling out of?

Originally posted by Unregistered
Finally again to wwm, No I have no problems with my feelings and no problems admitting them, I am happy with who I am thank you very much, yet more condescending childish crap from you.:

this would be you attack me again for me talking about my feelings right?
and they are related to you in what way?
and i said what about your feelings?

i think you should learn to read posts, and tell when someone talks about themselves.
in fact when i talk about me, i talk about me. its not some sort of subtle attack on you.
thats three times you think im attacking you when what i am doing is talking about me.
i rally do think that you have sopme sort of deeper issues if you keep feeling that everything i say is aimed at you.
becuase its not.
if im talking to you i'll address you, ok?

Originally posted by Unregistered
Am I afraid of her rejection? Good god if I was in the pub I'd slap you right now like a 2cent slut, where do you get off? I handle rejection just fine, water off a ducks back sir.
As for the classic signs of a clingy needy person in your dreams, I'm relatively easy going but I most certainly won't have some cretin that dives head first into everything like a hot headed tomato tell me who I am and what I'm about. Good day to you all.
:

thats a very defensive attitude i must say.

obviously not water of a ducks back if you get as flustered as that.
and threatening physical violence?
well, hardly the attitude of someone who doesnt care eh?

really, you need to control yourself.
try deep breathes.

id rather be a hot headed tomato than lie to myself....

Originally posted by Unregistered
Thank you for genuinely upsetting me. I love the way you just judge people by their posts, I suppose you don't reserve any kind of judgement till you've met someone? WWM next time you go to a boards get together feel free to come have a chat with me about it, but pls leave your hostility at home or I'll quite frankly have to bitchslap you.

:mad:BAD MOOD DAY:mad:

how am i to judge people?
should i phone you up and engage in meaningful converstion and then tell you i like you?
dont be silly. we are all judged by our posts.
most people on this board will think im a complete príck, and it doesnt bother me. becusae a lot of people know me and they know im not. i just have an abrasive attitude when dealing with fools.
i haveno problem talking to anyone at a boards piss up, after all i organise most of em. and i dont take hostility with me anywhere. i am not a violent person. and i dont deal in hurt either.

you wouldnt bítchslap me either, youd buy me a pint and wed chat, so dont pretend youre a big fella who's being nice to the lesser mortals, coz we lesser mortals dont care either way.

Originally posted by Unregistered

:mad:BAD MOOD DAY:mad:

you should really get that under control.

try to think of something nice, and it will make you smil.
smiles are infectious.
remember that,.

darthmise · 28-06-2002 10:19am

Ok so i'll sift...

Originally posted by Unregistered (tactical anni)
wwm I don't hold anything against you and the way you go into your relationships,

but I most certainly won't have some cretin that dives head first into everything like a hot headed tomato

See what i mean?

I've dived into a few relationships and now I tend to take it a little bit more slowly although if I'm head over heels with someone then obviously I won't.

But still you belittle unreggie's girlfriend for doing it and WWM too?!?
Maybe she is head over heels about unreggie, you have no idea how she feels. Yet you assumed she was a "clingon". Judged her before you met her, and then came this little nugget!

I suppose you don't reserve any kind of judgement till you've met someone?

You were not asked to pass judgment on her feelings, only to advise unreggie on what to do.

Darth Mise I'm a little bit embarrassed now so will elaborate ...............................................................................................................now as they all watched me break down and go into hibernation for a week :mad:

I'm not intrested in your expanlation, you credibility has already gone out the window.

I don't lie because I have no reasons to lie, although if you choose not to believe me due to me fumbling in my rant beforehand then so be it, I also take offence to the fact you think I'm peddling **** just to win an argument. Sorry to say I'm not that petty. I hate to dissapoint you, don't always assume others do what you may

You do lie,
That was more than a fumble in a rant,
You are petty,
I have never lied here, what are you talking about?!

Dont' try and wriggle out of it,

You the one doing the wriggling, trying to claim your mistakes as a fumbling rant!
If you've ever known love at first sight you WOULD NOT write:

Fair enough wwm, you fall in love within 3 months, I just haven't yet and don't see how I could,

Stop spoofing.

I am perfectly entitled to judge you by your posts. What else can i judge you on if i can't judge you on your words?

(This post was edited to remove some of the more unneccessarily offensive bits. I'm feeling a bit confrontational today, sorry)

koneko · 28-06-2002 10:25am

Anni if you don't want people to judge you by what you post, at least give Unreggie's girlfriend the benefit of the doubt without calling her a Clingon for falling in love.

She hasn't even posted here and you judged her.

WhiteWashMan · 28-06-2002 11:45am

Originally posted by koneko
Anni if you don't want people to judge you by what you post, at least give Unreggie's girlfriend the benefit of the doubt without calling her a Clingon for falling in love.

She hasn't even posted here and you judged her.

Touché.....

LegacyUser · 28-06-2002 11:51am

(I'm the original unreg guy).

hmm, well this seems to have gotten slightly off-topic. I'd like to make a couple of points:

1) I have no doubts that my gf loves me completely, it's 110% certainly and unquestionably true.
2) I don't think she's the cling-on type. In fact, she recognises that I need my space. (but please, continue the star-trek analogies, they're quite amusing)
3) darthmise, tactical anni, whitewashman (and others): while acknowledging your right to post whatever the hell you want, I'd like to ask if you can avoid thread-hijacking

Right, that out of the way I'd like to get some opinions on stuff. I had a good chat with a mate of mine about this, he'd some surprisingly good advice and opinions. He told me that he thought that she was the kind of person to fall in love quicker than others (without making it any less "valid" love). He told me that I, on the other hand, am not the kind of person to fall in love quickly - he thinks I've got a wall in place, a self-defense mechanism or something, I dunno. So he reckons it could just take time for me to grow to love her.

Thinking about this, I'm pretty sure he's right. I'm extremely independent and could survive perfectly well with my own company for a very long time - does this mean I can't fall in love? I'm wondering about dependency and if it's a requirement for love... ?

Talking about practicalities, I already told you she's in another part of the country (bout 200 miles from me) so she's thinking about moving here. She doesn't have any friends here, so that could be tough and a strain if I was the only person that she knew. So a plan of action could be for her to move her, and move in with a gang of people who she worked with (or similar), that would help her make friends here and not rely entirely on me. We could see where it goes from there. What dya think?

ok, that's all for now. Thanks for all your opinions and advice so far (including the thread-hijackers

)!

Unreg Guy.

koneko · 28-06-2002 11:57am

Unreggie, sounds spot on. And that's what you should tell her aswell. I know you probably have strong feelings for her, but for you it's probably to soon to know if it's love. She can't fault you for that. You also don't want to hurt her by getting into something you're not ready for.

I think deep-down you'd know if it was something you didn't want to continue, or didn't want to stay with her. For some people it just takes longer to become close and intimate with someone (emotionally).

If she loves you (which it sounds like she really does), she will understand that. She won't want to pressure you into moving in together, especially so soon. Best thing might be (as you said) for her to move closer to you, but live with other people. THis way you two will have more time together, and who knows what would happen.

TacT · 28-06-2002 12:05pm

well I had written a big lengthy reply but I deleted it by mistake. Everything I said has been taken out of context and put into whatever context suits you to continue arguing.

I never called you a liar darth, read my posts and stop trying to read into them. wwm you misunderstood everything I posted so I give up, I had made some points to continue this argument but I'm dropping this like a lead weight.

I have not been discredited and I am no liar, I told you my story now listen as I tell you a 2nd time, you want my bleedin eye witness accounts, my brothers a/c and that particular girls a/c of what happened? Or have you a lie detector test waiting for me because you are being a right twit continuing to call me something I am not. How about the fact that any girl I had a long term relationship will tell you "One of the things I will always admire about you is your honesty", goes to show how correct your judgement of me is in my postings eh?

Don't know why I even bothered to start with, typically you would just read into everything and not just read the words as I put them. (maybe I didn't express myself or convey my ideas in the best possible way but you sure as hell picked it all up backwards then jumbled it and mixed it up to your liking.

Sorry for the silly threat wwm but if you passed a comment like that to me in the pub you would rather more than likely find my pint over your head at the very least. I'm not trying to be some macho mr mean guy, I've just always stood up to people regardless of their size.

My credibility has not gone out the window but your petty stubborness has shone through nicely, thank you. stop calling me a liar when it is not true, you think what you like but don't try make me out to be something I'm not in front of the rest of this community or you will only be displaying a lack of common sense and ignorance.

Stop trying to pick up on my character and it's flaws wwm, you're pretending you know me which you don't and you are wrong in your assumptions because of the way you have read my posts, good day to you both.

oh

happy days

Rember never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to your level and beat you with experience. I wish I had realised this is what was happening.

Fair enough koneko.

<<!back on topic!>> (sorry for hijacking your thread)

Glad to hear that she is indeed head over heels about you

Only advice I can offer here is be careful, you care a great deal about her but are somewhat afraid to dive on in and enjoy as wwm would and I would not. Tell her you feel strongly about her but need to get to know her more and that moving in together may be a way to accomplish this. Travel is always one of the best ways to get to know someone and with summer coming up it could be a good time for you two to get away together and see how much you value her company as much as she does yours, gl

I think that deep down you should know the answer though

WhiteWashMan · 28-06-2002 12:59pm

Originally posted by tactical anni

I think that deep down you should know the answer though

ok, 2 points.

1) i agree with the above.
you may not love her, but you should at least know where youd like to go with what you have. if you dont then you havent been thinking about it, and in that case you are probably not too interested. from my experience.

2) im not sure who most of your points above are aimed at, except where you mention my name. nice to see you can open up about it

you really are quiet the emotianal person arent you!
not that thats bad, i just wouldnt be annoyed by things that people write here about me. if i did, id be back in councelling

im not trying to pick holes in you or show up character flaws believe it or not, im trying to get you to discuss. your first post was stupidity, youve been prodded and youve developed a better reply.
now,dont you eel happier.
im glad i could make you feel happy

anyway, if we were in a pub, i would say the same thing, except in a different way. im not argumentative, i just like to open people up. and youd still buy me a pint

darthmise · 28-06-2002 1:09pm

:rolleyes:

Unreggie, your friend probably knows you as well as anyone so he may have a good point about you putting up walls or defense mechanisms.
Its not that uncommon among men, especially, to be slow to commit. I know from my own experience that the next serious relationship i find myself in when i realise how serious i feel, there will be a recoil instinct. And it will definitely be a bigger leap of faith than the last time. But i believe thats how i works. The more you committ to something, be it a person or whatever, the greater the reward. And love is definitely something you have to give to recieve.

Maybe you already know how strongly you feel and you have to admit it to yourself first. Because its not telling the other person that you love them that puts your heart on the line, its accepting it yourself. Because if it all goes to pot, you're the one who has to deal with your own heartbreak.

If you realise that you love her, then drop the walls and take a chance. Don't be afriad to love someone.
Tis better to have loved and lost...

I have no regrets about wearing my heart on my sleeve and make no apologies for it, though some may think it the wrong thing to do to leave yourself open. You have to take that chance and believe in your own ability to bounce back if it doesn't work out.

This whole post is based on the premise that you love her and have to realise it for yourself. If i'm wrong then waste no time in disregarding it.

Apologies for hijacking the thread.

TacT · 28-06-2002 1:14pm

Yes I am quite emotional.

Yes I feel a lot better thank you.

Sorry I wasn't clearer.
Your on my hitlist of people to buy a drink for now

WhiteWashMan · 28-06-2002 1:14pm

Originally posted by Unregistered
(I'm the original unreg guy).

hmm, well this seems to have gotten slightly off-topic. I'd like to make a couple of points:

1) I have no doubts that my gf loves me completely, it's 110% certainly and unquestionably true.
2) I don't think she's the cling-on type. In fact, she recognises that I need my space. (but please, continue the star-trek analogies, they're quite amusing)
3) darthmise, tactical anni, whitewashman (and others): while acknowledging your right to post whatever the hell you want, I'd like to ask if you can avoid thread-hijacking

spoilsport!

Originally posted by Unregistered
(Right, that out of the way I'd like to get some opinions on stuff. I had a good chat with a mate of mine about this, he'd some surprisingly good advice and opinions. He told me that he thought that she was the kind of person to fall in love quicker than others (without making it any less "valid" love). He told me that I, on the other hand, am not the kind of person to fall in love quickly - he thinks I've got a wall in place, a self-defense mechanism or something, I dunno. So he reckons it could just take time for me to grow to love her.

look, theres a lot of thought over what love is yadda yadda yadda.
and we could debate it unti lthe caws come home.

for whatever reasons you have, you are basically admitting to yourself right there that you dont love her, if yore friends advice is spot on. which you seem to suggest is correct.

there is no right or wrong, you either love someone, or you dont love someone.
you have to decide what way you wan to go.

Originally posted by Unregistered
(Thinking about this, I'm pretty sure he's right. I'm extremely independent and could survive perfectly well with my own company for a very long time - does this mean I can't fall in love? I'm wondering about dependency and if it's a requirement for love... ?.

no.
love can happen to anyone anywhere and has no connection o anything.
dependency etc etc etc may all help or hinder the progress, but at the end of the day, you can fall in love if you let yourself and give love a chance to blossom. if youre slow, and you keep away from her, then obviously its not going to happen. so yuou do have to treat it like a flower sometimes, tend to it, take away the weeds, and care for it.
i am a very independent person. i wont be in a relationship where i have to pretend to be something im not. i wont be in a relationship where i am not equal and i am not allowed the freedom i need.
but that doesnt mean i dont want to be aaway from my partner. it doesnt mean that i dont want to have someone to come home to.
you have to find the right combination,and that means finding the right partner to be honest. becuase if you can be honest with each other aboutyour needs, and they are conflicting, it will never work. too much effort in a relationship, too much of the 'lets try and make it work' will lead to one or other, or both parties becoming upset and disinterested.

but becuase you dont appear to love her, it doesnt mean you dont want her. you may fall in love sooner than you think.

Originally posted by Unregistered

Talking about practicalities, I already told you she's in another part of the country (bout 200 miles from me) so she's thinking about moving here. She doesn't have any friends here, so that could be tough and a strain if I was the only person that she knew. So a plan of action could be for her to move her, and move in with a gang of people who she worked with (or similar), that would help her make friends here and not rely entirely on me. We could see where it goes from there. What dya think?

ok, that's all for now. Thanks for all your opinions and advice so far (including the thread-hijackers )!

Unreg Guy.

now this is your real problem.
its not the love, unlove thing.

this is the crux of your problem.
do you want the very heavy weight of your girlfriend on your shoulders.
suddenly she becomes your responsibility, becuase she has no on e else there. she knows no one. you are her only connection.

if she can mve there, but not in with you, with [people she knows, then thats the way to go i think.

otherwise, you are going to dispise her in a matter of weeks becuase she wont be able to do anything with out you becuase she knows no one. and you wont have any free time becuase she will be lonely and need company.
and its unfair on her if you are willing to pull her across the county so you can have sex on tap for want of a better analogy

think hard on your last point. i feel its the important one.

WhiteWashMan · 28-06-2002 1:16pm

Originally posted by tactical anni
Yes I am quite emotional.
Yes I feel a lot better thank you.
Sorry I wasn't clearer.
Your on my hitlist of people to buy a drink for now

that is what i like to hear.
i like beer
beer is good

drinking a beer, is like making love to a beautiful woman......

koneko · 28-06-2002 1:29pm

Originally posted by WhiteWashMan

drinking a beer, is like making love to a beautiful woman......

You sure about that WWM? Heh.

The Corinthian · 28-06-2002 1:30pm

You know each other four months and live 200 miles apart. I think it a reasonable assumption to make that this would mean that the two of you have had limited exposure to each other as a result. Yet she loves you. Hmmm... Warning bells.

I knew a nymphomaniac about ten years ago. Before the usual cheesy jokes begin, let me explain that I did not know her biblically myself and her condition was, in my view, quite a depressing one. Her father was a university lecturer of the cold, distant and divorced variety. Her mother was a hippy of the D4/Irish Times variety. As such, from what I could observe, she did not have a very happy childhood – not abusive from what I know, just unstable and generally starved of affection.

Her reaction to this was to sleep with any man that crossed her path in an attempt to get the affection/stability that she lacked, in a relationship. Needless to say, these relationships tended to last about ten hours on average, at which point, heartbroken, she would spend much of the next day in bed crying.

She was an extreme example, but reading the description you gave of your girlfriend, the same warning bells began to chime, albeit faintly. It is important for you to consider why she is in love with you and the nature of her emotional dependency. Beruthiel’s suggestion of your telling her that you are in unfamiliar territory is good strategically, but only if ultimately this relationship is a good idea in the first place.

You may feel that you’re independent but the need to have someone dependant on you is also a dependency, after a fashion. Ultimately, if the thought of someone being dependant, emotionally or otherwise, on you fills you with dread, then it’s probably kinder to back off sooner rather than later.

Oh, yes... the nymphomaniac. Eventually a man stayed longer than ten hours, they stayed together, they married and have been happy together (as much as anyone can be) ever since. A happy ending

TacT · 28-06-2002 1:38pm

Originally posted by koneko

You sure about that WWM? Heh.

Well that all depends on whether you're a bloke or what your sexual orientations are or does it

After a year and a half of single life and one or two one night stands I can safely say yes it is

:rolleyes:

Corinthian, bang on the money, I should have come up with something similar first time around instead of my star trek analogy

good point.

Mercury_Tilt · 28-06-2002 2:02pm

This post has been deleted.

smiles · 28-06-2002 2:12pm

Originally posted by Mercury_Tilt
So she said she loves you after 3 months....She can just as easily say after 4...ohhh I don’t any more.

Been there, done that. (feel bad about it now)

Originally posted by Mercury_Tilt
That’s how it works. Sometimes the love last years....sometimes just days. Even just for a night.

Its just a pile of emotions and thoughts.

Exactly, love is mad, and it does change, thinking your in love and being in love and your ideas about love change constantly, hold on to it if you do, and look forward to it if you dont.

<< Fio >>

So she tells you that she loves you...

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