One-sided friendships

SYL · 27-06-2002 11:30am #1

I know a guy who I've been friends with for about 10 years now. However, in recent times, he's become a bit.......its hard to put it really, a bit self-absorbed. Or maybe thats the wrong way of putting it, but I'll explain.
Recently, for example, I asked him for a lend of a DVD that another mutual friend lent him. He had not watched it yet despite having it about 2 weeks, and I haven't seen it before. When I asked him for it, he just said "no" and then said something about the fact that he 'may' watch it tonight. Another time, I asked him for a lend of a PC game, Medal of Honour, that he wasn't playing because he was stuck in it. Again "no". This is unusual because I usually lend him games, CDs, magazines, books etc. no questions asked. Also, back home, there are certain pubs that I sometimes like to go into, but when I go out drinking with him, he refuses to go into them, but then if he's out with other friends and I'm not there, he will go into them no problem. Also has a habit of pi$$ing and moaning about the music I like, my habits and ways of acting etc., but if I take him up on some way he acts, he gets very defensive. Also lately, I got some very good news and whilst all my other friends congratulated me, he just shrugged it off.
Is it me, or what??? Am I not seeing something here? Its almost like he takes me for granted or thinks he's above me or something. I'm not a moan and do consider myself very mature, but is this guy taking the pi$$ or what, its almost as if he makes me feel like I owe him something, its very hard to describe.
Has anyone else had any experiences like this before, and if so, what have ye done?

Wook · 27-06-2002 11:43am

you should know better then leave yourself open that much...
'friends' are just a passer by in your life , friends come and go.
**** always happen , and as in 'Heat' you should be ready to pack your bags and depart the situation. I am not even talking about running away, just let them face the facts , tell him, use examples and so on. react the same way as he does and then confront him with this..if this should fail , then he probably is not worth it.

so go forth and multiply!

Dr. Loon · 27-06-2002 11:44am

Blank him for a while. Don't see him, ring him or whatever, let him re-evaluate his idea of his friendship with you. I do know people like this, and the only way to snap them out of it is to leave them by themselves to think about it. If he realises he misses your company, and possibly asks about it. Explain to him why you split, and that he'd wanna give you some respect and act like a proper mate.

If he doesn't, then he's not a proper mate.

SYL · 27-06-2002 11:45am

I know what you mean Wook, I could just drop him, but thats not the point. I just want to know why he does it, what makes him act like that towards just me when he's fine with the rest of my friends.

SYL · 27-06-2002 11:47am

Dr. Loon, had considered this, but I work with him, live very near him, get the bus with him and basically spend a lot of my waking time around him, more's the pity. Do you think I should just ask him to his face?

eth0_ · 27-06-2002 11:51am

From what i've seen, I think it's probably jealously on his part, in relation to getting on with your life, education, women, ambition etc.

I don't think you need friends like that, who aren't there for you. You have other friends who do care about you more.

SYL · 27-06-2002 12:01pm

I'm not really looking for anyone to be there for me, I don't confide in anyone about personal problems, I deal with them myself. I am just looking for a personal opinion on things, or a different point of view. I get prone to times of annoyance when I think about things and that seemed to rattle my cage a lot. The DVD incident was yesterday and I honestly was about a hairs breath from hitting him there and then

Wook · 27-06-2002 12:05pm

first of all, I think this topic belongs into 'personal issues'
second, I think the 'friend' is just as Eth said , more or less kind lost in the relation you have with him and other people , getting closer. It's like the monkey's. they also have a hierarchy system...
and you can almost compare it to a long relationship of married people , they dont really like each other anymore , but we are so used to each other and it makes life easier...
you probably do things, organise, update him on information on whats happening in the world , what is cool and what is not. so it's handy to have a guy like you close by , if you yourself do not want to waste energy on the whole social ladder thing.

-end-

eth0_ · 27-06-2002 12:12pm

Originally posted by Wook

and you can almost compare it to a long relationship of married people , they dont really like each other anymore , but we are so used to each other and it makes life easier..

That's very true. As I know you guys, I know you and this friend have lived in a small town with the same group of friends for years. Personally, I'd go out of my mind with boredom if I was in that situation, then again some people (like your friend) might seem to revel in being bored and moaning about being bored

SYL · 27-06-2002 12:15pm

Was thinking that too Wook, maybe he uses me as a social fulcrum to lever himself into various situations and crowds. As much as I hate to blow my own trumpet (and I do hate it), but I think that I am a lot more socially integrated than him. My Ma is always saying it to me too, that I should get rid of him, that he holds me back and that he taints other people's opinons of me.

eth0_ · 27-06-2002 12:17pm

The very fact he got a job in the same company as you says a lot too.

Ph3n0m · 27-06-2002 12:55pm

just thought I'd throw my 2 cents in (just for the hell of it)

There are a couple of ways to deal with this situation if its really getting on your wick. First off is the suggestion to blank him for a while, let him get in contact with you, let him make the first move, if he wants to hook up with ya for beers or hell jsut general chit-chat.

Secondly is to actually talk to him about, you could either tiptoe around it or just be outright blut and tell him how sick you are of the way he is going on, and that maybe there is a complete lack of respect and friendship on his part (from what you say, you are the one that is having to work both side of the friendship - loaning him stuff when he says no to you, or listening to him p*ss and moan about everything, and in my mind giving the impression that he is complete tool - sorry he is your friend, but I just cant stand people like that).

Without sounding patronising, are you afraid to talk to him about this on-going situation? I hope you're not, otherwise you will never get anything resolved, and the vicious circle will just continue to get bigger and bigger, which could lead to a nasty bust up between the pair of you (assuming you do still want to remain friends with him)

well that was my final thought, not much, but hell its just an opinion

SYL · 27-06-2002 1:52pm

I'm getting very tempted to say it to his face, I have broached the subject before and he just pipes up "don't start this again" making me sound like some sort of nattering auld biddy. It makes me angry though, all this "no" "no" "no" that he goes on with, like he calls all the shots or something. It makes me angry even writing about it.

Ph3n0m · 27-06-2002 2:00pm

in that case, if I were you (and I am not, even if we were seperated at birth). I would tell him straight out, "either listen to me right now or get the fluck out of my life, cause I dont need this sh!t anymore"

that way the issue will be resolved, if he is any kinda of friend he will listen, if not then make sure the door slams as he walks away. kinda harsh but as you said it makes you angry when he goes on like a twat, but even angrier just typing about it. you have to do something and it may have to be as something as drastic as that

SYL · 27-06-2002 2:18pm

Think I will do something about it this evening while all this is very fresh and raw in my mind. Maybe he's survived this long because I have a habit of putting things on the backburner so much and not dealing with them when they bother me first. I think I'll get to the bottom of this, asap, for my own sake. I don't need cling-ons at this stage of my life.
Ph3n0m, have you experience of this before?

WhiteWashMan · 27-06-2002 2:25pm

maybe you should just chat to him and go for a beer.

SYL · 27-06-2002 2:34pm

Yeah, could do that but it would all get a bit buddyish with the grog involved. And I don't like talking about my feelings when I'm on the piss, its a bad habit.

eth0_ · 27-06-2002 2:38pm

You could drink kaliber on the sly, SYL, he'd never know!

Ph3n0m · 27-06-2002 2:38pm

Originally posted by SYL
Think I will do something about it this evening while all this is very fresh and raw in my mind. Maybe he's survived this long because I have a habit of putting things on the backburner so much and not dealing with them when they bother me first. I think I'll get to the bottom of this, asap, for my own sake. I don't need cling-ons at this stage of my life.
Ph3n0m, have you experience of this before?

lol are you are a mind reader aswell as a "strapping young lad" (i read boards.ie threads, what you dont

)

yes I have been in similiar positions before, some have gone well, in that I have sat my friends down, as WWM said, over a beer and told them whats on my mind (after doing the "talk or go away speech"). Its really only happened to me 3 times, twice (one a female the other a male) I was lucky that my friends realised that after what I have done for them in the past, they gave very little in return (I was never looking for anything but appreciation and respect for who and what I am), however the 3rd turned over very nasty. He agreed to sit and talk, but not suprisingly he got up after about 15 minutes, said I was a moany w*nker and he couldnt remember why we started to hang together, he left. Saw him about 3 months later, he went to say something to me, and I simply said if its an apology, fine I will talk to you, other then that, get lost. I found out later that night, the cheeky git was going to ask me for a loan of an album.....I asks ya, what a marron!!!!

its a 50/50 chance you take when you do the sit down pow-pow type of thing, good luck whatever you do, and I really hope it works out well for you and your friend, in that atleast there is mutal understanding between the pair of you

now i must go and rest, gather my energies for saturday is the day of motorhead and the time to make new friends, or atleast drinking aquanitinces (atrocious spelling eh!) is near.

SYL · 27-06-2002 3:19pm

I shall be putting on my moshing shoes too for saturday coming. Aaaaah, when Raging Speedhorns 'Thumper' kicks in, I shall be in my element. As for my friend, well, time will tell and things happen. He might be going on holiday to Thailand with me and another friend, so I want to get this sorted out before then, don't want it to ruin my holiday.
$hitty to hear about that 3rd guy who walked out on you. His loss, eh!!!! And the cheek of him, you should have let him speak man, how priceless to hear him actually ask for an album. Thats the perfect example of how thick people can be nowadays, they think that if they don't see you for a while or have contact with you, everything will be rosy when they see you again. How Naieve.

Ph3n0m · 27-06-2002 3:42pm

Originally posted by SYL
I shall be putting on my moshing shoes too for saturday coming. Aaaaah, when Raging Speedhorns 'Thumper' kicks in, I shall be in my element. As for my friend, well, time will tell and things happen. He might be going on holiday to Thailand with me and another friend, so I want to get this sorted out before then, don't want it to ruin my holiday.
$hitty to hear about that 3rd guy who walked out on you. His loss, eh!!!! And the cheek of him, you should have let him speak man, how priceless to hear him actually ask for an album. Thats the perfect example of how thick people can be nowadays, they think that if they don't see you for a while or have contact with you, everything will be rosy when they see you again. How Naieve.

Indeed! well SYL we shall be faceless people at Motorhead, hell lol, I would just rotflmao if you and I crossed paths at motorhead in a "bad way" , then ended up bitching here about it...(but thats not gonna happen, cause more then likely I will be floating everywhere, not sticking to one place - there is just too many bloody things to do at xTreme. So cya there, or not as the case may be

eth0_ · 27-06-2002 3:56pm

Hey, I *may* be going, I'll be the one with lollipop sticks in my ears :-D or hanging out in the tattoo area.

Ph3n0m · 27-06-2002 4:57pm

ah that takes me back, but would plastic straws be more fun and colourful.....lol. ok then me, syl, and you eth0_, but nothing will change the fact that one of us, will happen to see the other doing something really, really stupid (I vote for me, because i have a tendency to fall around when I am drunk, and boy will I ever be drunk at xTreme, er yeah I will

)

SYL · 28-06-2002 8:19am

One day and counting for Motorhead et al.
To get back to the subject, I hinted at the person in question of this thread that he was acting like a total tool to me last night. His reaction, although not spoken, almost seemed to hint at the fact that he was aware of it, it was the look on his face or something that told me that. I sort of played it a bit cool after that, didn't really drive any conversation of any sort. It was then that I realised how quiet it had gotten. I'd almost swear that it is me who carries on most of the conversation between us, thats a bit sad really.
I think I'll take the overall advice on this thread and give him a bit of a cold shoulder over the next few weeks coming. As I think I mentioned, he's supposed to be going on holidays with me and another mutual friend in september, but I don't think I'll say squat about that either. He's not the most willing to undertake tasks such as booking tickets etc., so maybe if I just don't bring it up but go ahead and start organising the holiday without him, he'll get the message.
Watch this space

Lemming · 28-06-2002 9:24am

Just a suggestion SYL (and I think it may have been hinted at by others), but the next time he starts asking for this or that ... don't even initially respond. Then after letting a few quiet uncomfortable seconds sink in ... turn to him and just say "no".

Do that a few times and he'll start to get very uncomfortable asking you for stuff, and it'll piss him off. If and when he starts bitching about it, then you have your wide-open opportunity to lay into him over HIS behaviour, and ask him how he's been liking his own behaviour visited straight back on him.

If he is any sort of friend, he'll cop on, if not .. well then, he's no great loss.

Gavin · 28-06-2002 12:52pm

ah.. it looks like it's kinda obvious. Perhaps not so to you, seeing him as a friend. But.. if I was hanging around with someone I didn't like. That's the way I would act.

Gav

festivala · 28-06-2002 1:59pm

Originally posted by SYL
I hinted at the person in question of this thread that he was acting like a total tool to me last night. His reaction, although not spoken, almost seemed to hint at the fact that he was aware of it, it was the look on his face or something that told me that.

Been there, seen it, bought the T-Shirt.
He's jealous of you. Simple as that.

LegacyUser · 28-06-2002 2:25pm

Change your music tastes, change what he finds unattractive about you. Adapt yourself to suit his needs and learn to tolerate his idiosyncrasies. Show him you can be submissive; a little sacrifice on your part could save the friendship.

eth0_ · 28-06-2002 2:44pm

Originally posted by dumb larry
Change your music tastes, change what he finds unattractive about you. Adapt yourself to suit his needs and learn to tolerate his idiosyncrasies. Show him you can be submissive; a little sacrifice on your part could save the friendship.

Are you serious?? Why the f*ck should SYL do that? As I know the people involved, I can honestly say SYL isn't the one who's causing the problems, he has his foibles like anyone else but certainly not to the extent of his friend

The whole point of friendship is that you accept people's differences, however when it gets out of hand as in this situation, you have to wonder why you bother.

eth0_ · 28-06-2002 3:05pm

Originally posted by festivala

Been there, seen it, bought the T-Shirt.
He's jealous of you. Simple as that.

SYL wants to know if you're serious? (He's been banned btw, for being a controversial force on boards.ie!)

LegacyUser · 28-06-2002 3:07pm

Syl can use this as an opportunity to strengthen the bond between himself and his pal. It would be painful for both parties if one were to simply 'shun' the other. Syl should confront his friend and ask him "what is it about me that upsets you and what can I do to better myself in your eyes?"; for some of the blame for this upset quite possibly belongs to Syl?

One-sided friendships

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