what happens if you're not attracted to your partner

LegacyUser · 15-05-2002 4:32pm #1

has anyone ever gradually felt a bit unattracted to their partner? to a point where you'd watch michael noonan versus bertie ahern rather than go to bed for sex? i mean, i love my girlfriend, but i'm worried that i will always feel like this about her, if we get married and so on. jaysus. what am id doing here?

bombidol · 15-05-2002 4:46pm

I know exactly where you are coming from, it all becomes a bit of a chore, the same partner same thing all the time. The sex thing can be helped by a long break from it. We took a sex break for about a month and it helped, the biggest killer is being with your partner all the time, if you see your partner every day, its natural that you are going to get used to them, talk to them and explain the situation, if you are too scared to talk openly about your relationship then you are in trouble, you have to be able to talk things out, i would have finished with my girlfriend a long time ago if we didnt talk about the things that were bothering us. hope this helps

bomb:)

MelKor · 15-05-2002 4:52pm

i too know exaclty where you're comming from,

i mean MICHEAL NOONAN prrrr, yum yum, *whistle* etc. etc.

LegacyUser · 15-05-2002 4:54pm

yeah, that's what i thought too, but then he smiled, *shudder*.
thanx bomidol, been dreading having to talk things out but it looks like its a must.

horndog 2 · 15-05-2002 5:10pm

I think yous should be gratful for the fact that you have a partner, instead of wining that you dont feel attracted to her anymore talk to her and spice up your love life.
Because if you feel like this you can be sure she feels the same, and how long before she starts to play from home
the grass is always green on the other side.

EvilGeorge · 15-05-2002 5:12pm

If you found your partner attractive DR. Horndog, would you say for example keep a top ten list of pics in your mailbox ?

Mercury_Tilt · 15-05-2002 5:19pm

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thegills · 15-05-2002 5:46pm

Spend some time apart from your girl - a holiday with the lads or something. It will give you time to think about why you got together in the first place. On return suggest some new ways of having sex - sexy underware, role-playing, etc, 3-some maybe. If this doesn't work then call it a day as it won't get any better.

LegacyUser · 15-05-2002 6:14pm

Assuming that you once did find her attractive, I suggest that you try to focus on what attracted you to her in the first place.

As for options - take a break, as has been suggested.

Second option, is to spice things up in the bedroom. Boring sex is not an uncommon reason for this sort of problem.

Otherwise, cheat on her. No, not joking - if the reason is a simple case of doing it with the same person all the time or it's a question of needing the thrill of the chase, then have a fling. But only a fling, and be both descrete and safe about it, and get it out of your system. And only do this as a final resort.

LegacyUser · 15-05-2002 11:42pm

been there.

I was crazy about the guy but i wasn't sexually attracted to him, we talked about it and he made me tell him who i would be attracted to then blew his fuse over that.

Give yourself time, think about it properly - were you ever attracted to that person? if so then you should be able to think back and rekindle some of that, if you never were then i'd recommend you take some time to sort out in your head whether or not you can be happy in the relationship if you're not physically attracted to her.

It's an important part, but not everything, remember that.

ButcherOfNog · 15-05-2002 11:59pm

your the guy that married mary harney ain't cha?

Gordon · 16-05-2002 12:10am

time to call it a day, been there seen that done it till death almost parted us. There was no point talking about it although this is what you have to do.

No point wasting no more precious time, have a chat and see how you both feel until you both see how your future stills

Beruthiel · 16-05-2002 8:40am

I agree with Gordon on this one - been there also, it was a very long relationship and I had changed so much in that time period that there was no turning back, I went from being very attracted to him to thinking he was my brother - yuk - tried everything to get back to it, but couldn't, so I left - a very tough thing to do (as I was married to him) but turned out to be the best thing I ever did! give it one last shot by talking to her and if it doesn't improve, move on, you only live once, make the most of it!
good luck

Dr. Loon · 16-05-2002 9:53am

Originally posted by thegills
On return suggest some new ways of having sex - sexy underware, role-playing, etc, 3-some maybe.

* Spot on.... a threesome!! That's bound to sort things out :rolleyes:

I suggest as most people do... to communicate properly. See how things are, and then you'll know whether to split or hang on. Simple, but tough.
Relationships can get very stale, no matter who the people are or what is involved. Speak about it, and maybe that will mean you'll both put a little effort into being different, and think about each other more, don't just both drag on and same thing all the time, every day, same look, same clothes... jesus anybody would get bored of that shít.
Make some changes, or else split.
A threesome is not the way, unless you intend to split!

bombidol · 16-05-2002 10:03am

I know where the bloke is coming from , im with my girlfriend 2 years and in the last 2-4 months now ive been feeling the same as our unreggie here, It gets to the point where you feel like you cant break up because you are together so long, its fear of something different.
When you are away from them all you think of is how bad they are and how they are holding you back but when you are with them everything is alright.
Its a mad situation. 3somes will not help you! chances are shes not going to share the bed with another woman and you sure as **** arent going to share it with a bloke, so eitherway both of you are not going to be happy. Best bet of all is a break, and a proper one not a few days, 2 weeks at least, with no phone calls or contact, cut everything off, that way you will know, you will either feel great cause shes gone or miss her, thats how to find out if you should be with her.

Role playing, tying her up, whips etc , dont work, Because when it comes down to itm And you will have to excuse me here ladies, its always going to be the same girl, same tits, same ass, same pu*sy, Same sex. The sex end of the relationship is huge its as big as the love part, and something that big cant be ignored. Its been said before to cheat, personally ive never done it, because i wouldnt want it done to me, but some friends of mine who are in long term relationships swear by it, "A bit of strange" as they say once ever couple of months, could be a bit of a nightclub kiss could be more, but these blokes are happy in their relationships because they can let off a bit of steam every once and a while.

one of a mans biggest problems with women (If you ask me ) and again this doesnt stand for everyone, is that women are fairly different when it comes to sex, most women like to "Make Love" and usually are fairly content when it come to their love life, men on the other hand mostly see their sex life as a porno,
we want to do it all, (Edited by Bomb, Freaky Shiznit!) you name it we'll have a crack at it. Again this is just from my experience and im sure there are loads of women out there who are real freaky but ive never met one that is as willing to try new things as your average joe bloke.

Bomb

The Corinthian · 16-05-2002 11:41am

Originally posted by bombidol
one of a blokes biggest problems with women (If you ask me ) and again this doesnt stand for everyone, is that women are fairly different when it comes to sex, most women like to "Make Love" and usually are fairly content when it come to their love life, men on the other hand mostly see their sex life as a porno, we want to do it all, Bumlove, facials you name it we'll have a crack at it.

Well, you’ve not had much experience with women over thirty then (in particular those who were in long relationships). They’re (generally, but not always) quite a different story in that department to the twenty-something girlies who have just escaped the convent school.

bombidol · 16-05-2002 12:43pm

True, i dont have any experience with women over 30, Again this was just the way i see it and the gospel truth for every man!
Dont kill Me!!

Bomb

The Sweeper · 16-05-2002 1:59pm

I don't know, I think it's a REALLY bad sign when you're no longer attracted to your partner. I got to the stage at one time in my life where it was headaches stomach aches backaches and everything aches at bedtime - so bad that I did actually feel physically ill. It was because I felt that my partner at the time had zero respect for me and to be honest I would have shagged a hidoously deformed troll in a pub toilets quicker than my other half.

Needless to say it was not a salvageable situation and is now finito. One thing I will say though, and feel free to flame me here, but I think that people tend to be more receptive to folk who make them feel attractive. Inotherwords, I believe people are happier having sex with folk who make them feel good about themselves. Has your other half done anything to make you feel a little low about yourself recently?

Mercury_Tilt · 16-05-2002 2:00pm

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The Corinthian · 16-05-2002 2:13pm

Originally posted by Minesajackdaniels
to be honest I would have shagged a hidoously deformed troll in a pub toilets quicker than my other half.

Now she tells us...

Beruthiel · 16-05-2002 4:35pm

I believe people are happier having sex with folk who make them feel good about themselves. B]

hammer, nail, head there majd!

LegacyUser · 16-05-2002 5:14pm

It happens all long-term couples...After a few years either the guy/girl will become less attracted to each other..

Everything seems a chore - Going out together at night, Going away together, meeting up, sex...etc. It usually becomes a chore for the guy first.

I just HATE seeing her now..Together 5 years HELP!

Just a tip to whoever is going thru' this-DON'T GET HER PREGNANT, then it'll be 150,000 times worse than it was.

azezil · 16-05-2002 5:33pm

Originally posted by Unregistered
It happens all long-term couples

Why then do so many people get and stay married? there's alot more to a relationship than physical attraction.

The Corinthian · 16-05-2002 5:40pm

Originally posted by azezil
Why then do so many people get and stay married? there's alot more to a relationship than physical attraction.

Indeed. Why do you think that ppl have babies? An excellent distraction from the lack of relationship.

Gordon · 16-05-2002 7:03pm

Originally posted by Unregistered
Just a tip to whoever is going thru' this-DON'T GET HER PREGNANT, then it'll be 150,000 times worse than it was.

She's pregnant?

It's not a good idea to stay together and be grimly unhappy just for the sake of your child having a mother and father. Your child would be unhappy to know that in later life and would be better off having a happy father and mother even if they were in other relationships that were stable and in good stead. Hey, they'll get two lots of presents.

If you have a child you have to put them first with you.

Mercury_Tilt · 16-05-2002 11:26pm

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Jackoman · 17-05-2002 11:28am

yea it's all pretty nasty $hit. I'd say from my own experince as well that if you are not attracted to her then it is time to move on.
I was going out with my ex for over 4 years, and after 2 it was never the same coz I was with someone else. For the last year I was completely unattracted to her and even felt uncomfotable having sex with her some times. But I stayed with her for the convenience and because she had become a good friend who I could talk to about anything.

But the good news is after the short pain of missing her company you begin to enjoy life even more with your mates again. And thats the Golden Rule. No matter who I am with I can always rely on my mates, they'll always be my mates and there is no bull**** between any of us.

Now the hard part for you is breaking up, how do you end it? It depends on how long you have been going out for. And only you can figure out what you have to say. I know I regret like hell not ending mine sooner. It held me back from a lot of things that I wanted to do. So dont ever let the other half get in the way of what you wanna do in life, and sometimes you might not even know that they are.

My own personal view is that the only time you need to start working on rescuing a relationship is when you are kinda ready to settle down and not planning on going anywhere, or when you have kids or might be married,and I know I dont plan on doing that till I'm at least 35.

Sorry mate, but its clear in black and white that its time to move on, and the only reason you posted this was to get re-assurance from other people coz you are probably dreading the idea of what to say and do.

LegacyUser · 17-05-2002 1:50pm

Getting back to the marraige and babies thing-

Caps on time:-

WHATS THE POINT OF GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING CHILDREN BEFORE U ARE AT LEAST 40.....(which is not late at all)

Why is there such an emphasis on marraige in this country-An excuse for drinking and a big day out?

Come on there are other things in life, why do most people view marraige as an essential thing that you have to do...like making your communion, confirmation...etc.

Marraige-A WASTE OF MONEY, TIME AND NO FUN.

By the way, I am not married and have no known children!!, and that'll be the way for the next 15 years anyway...I am now 24.

Sorry-Just gotta get that off my chest!!

WhiteWashMan · 17-05-2002 2:07pm

Originally posted by Unregistered

WHATS THE POINT OF GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING CHILDREN BEFORE U ARE AT LEAST 40.....(which is not late at all)

never heard of menopause.
the big change.
lack of child bearingness?

try telling a woman to wait until it could be too late and you will get a smack in the face.
post back when your point is relevant.

koneko · 17-05-2002 2:13pm

"Unregistered" I have a hard time believing you're 24. You write like a 12-year-old.

Marriage isn't for everyone. It's for those that have found someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with. It's a commitment. It's like saying "I love you so much I want us to stay together".

If you don't believe in marriage, go ahead. No one's making you get married. I personally would hate the idea of spending the next 15 years going on the piss and not being with my loved one. But that's just me.

Mercury_Tilt · 17-05-2002 2:40pm

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Gordon · 17-05-2002 3:17pm

Originally posted by Unregistered
Marriage-A WASTE OF MONEY,

Actually I think if you get married it is in fact a wise monetary choice. Rent/Mortgages are reduced relatively and costs/ benefits in day to day living are in fact reduced. As far as I know social welfare is better if you are married. I'm pretty sure I've heard of couples that lived together for some time got married due to the benefits involved.

But I think you probably meant that it is a waste of time wining and dining and taking the aul' lady out for holidays and expensive clothes buying sprees (as women are wont to do)(apparently). If that's the case then you wouldn't marry her in the first place, you'd marry someone perfect for you I presume.

But I see what you mean, what's the point? What's the big deal about a piece of paper? I guess the only answer is... one day you may understand, one day you may not.

koneko · 17-05-2002 3:23pm

Marriage is something you won't understand till that day.

God, I used to hate the idea. Said I'd never get married. Very cynical. "Why should anyone need to get married?". You really do feel different about it at one point. That's unless you're a total bastard and never meet anyone.

Mercury, I woulda figured you being older than that. You have a funny interesting way of writing. I was referring to Mr Caps "I'm 24 YOU KNOW!!" there. The only people I know that write in caps and with exclamation marks that much are teenagers. You know!! This way!! Alrite!!! Marriage suxors!!!
Bah. It's a personal choice.

Occidental · 17-05-2002 3:56pm

Originally posted by Mercury_Tilt

You live together? That’s the worst thing you can do from my experience. I was up to my tittes in it for 9 years. Moved in after week 2. Longer than a lot of marriages really. [/B]

Mercury,

I'm intrigued. This means that you moved in with a girl when you were 10? I hope to god she was at least the same age as you.

Dustaz · 17-05-2002 4:03pm

You moved in with your gf at age 10? ummm....

Mercury_Tilt · 17-05-2002 4:28pm

This post has been deleted.

bombidol · 17-05-2002 4:53pm

Stop spamming, this is a decent thread, Mod has permission to delete this post along with the spam.

bomb

WhiteWashMan · 17-05-2002 5:03pm

Originally posted by bombidol
Stop spamming, this is a decent thread, Mod has permission to delete this post along with the spam.

bomb

and you can post another mail complaining about me and my spam as well.

permission... good of you eh?

if you arent attracted to your partner for whatever reasons and you have been with them for a number of years then i think you can say that something has died in the relationship.
either you rekindle it as so many people do, or you let it die and go seperate ways.
its the seperate ways bit that causes the hassle though as a lot of people find it hard to break up due to the closeness that has been shared over the years, and the need to try and protect their partner from hurting them, when in realisty, its the thing they need to be free as well.
make sure you are sure about it, but when you are, dont delay. procrastination is something something sand something else according to hamlet whos lines i cant remember anymore becuase im old and greya nd my back is bent.

by the way bumidle, i am better, and yes, i definately have a superiority complex. have a nice day now wont you.
cheers

Mercury_Tilt · 17-05-2002 5:08pm

This post has been deleted.

koneko · 17-05-2002 5:14pm

Pld wwm. Permission. Pah.

In the short term, unreggie, your partner will probably be upset with breaking up as will you (change does that), but in the long term it's a lot better for both of you. She'll most likely be happier (as will you) in a fulfilling relationship where both parties feel the same way. Talk it over together, maybe she feels the same way?

Maybe the spark has gone for both of you. Do you find yourself looking at other people and wondering what if? Find yourself picturing life without your girlfriend, and it doesn't make you sad? Take some time out. Go out with some friends. Have a day away from her to think about how you really feel. That's what I did. Went out with my friends, and realised I didn't want to go home.

BTW I don't see any outta-control spam on this thread. Mercury's posts amuse me. They're quirky

Gordon · 17-05-2002 5:24pm

Originally posted by koneko
Do you find yourself looking at other people and wondering what if? Find yourself picturing life without your girlfriend, and it doesn't make you sad?

That's it really, isn't it. If so ... get the hell outta there matey, better in the long run tho will be hard to do in the short run.

(p.s. Quirky Mercury)

Caesar_Bojangle · 18-05-2002 1:11am

Originally posted by ButcherOfNog
your the guy that married mary harney ain't cha?

Nothing to do with this thread, but i'll go on, my mate who works part-time as a barman in a hotel told me about this, just last week Mary Harney, her husband and some friends were sitting down for lunch in the hotel.

Anyway all her friends including her husband call her tanaiste at all times. Throughout her whole time there her husband was calling her tanaiste, and when my friend called her mary, she and her entourage turned around and looked at him in disgust for not calling her tanaiste.

I wonder what he calls her in bed.

Dustaz · 18-05-2002 1:55am

Originally posted by Caesar_Bojangle

I wonder what he calls her in bed.

Mistress of Pain and Discipline?

thegills · 20-05-2002 5:40pm

Moby Dick I would imagine

Chaos-Engine · 21-05-2002 12:40pm

I went out with a girl for 2 years. Great relationship up until the last 5 months. Things became a routine. Bordom sets in. Sex becomes routine. (however it was like a porno). Whips and ROle-playing doesn't work in the long-run. Its just a quick fix.

The best solution is to spent sometime apart(leave the country for 3 weeks or so). When you get back together you will have lots to talk about. "What did u get up to etc"... It will be fresh. If this doesn't solve things then maybe you should ask yourself do you still "in-love with her"... not just love her.

The final resort. One which I wouldn't do but it has been seen to work on numerous occasions. Have sex with someone else. A One-night stand. It will make you feel like sh1tt and then you will realise how lucky you really are to have someone that loves you. And how much better sex is when it is with someone you love....

DO SOMETHING NOW!!!... Or else it could be too late

Q_Ball · 22-05-2002 1:35am

that last post makes the most sense yet.

what happens if you're not attracted to your partner

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