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One-Liner Jokes

1…204205206208210

Comments

  • #6212
    Orange-Coca-Cola
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 136 ✭✭Orange-Coca-Cola


    I won first prize for a competition on the radio, a choice of €250 cash or two tickets VIP to see an Elvis Presley tribute act in town. I have to text my reply 1 for the money. 2 for the show.



  • #6213
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,158 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I recently opened a company selling trampolines disguised as prayer mats.

    Prophets are going through the roof



  • #6214
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,009 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Last night was the British Haemorrhoid Sufferers’ annual reunion stand-up buffet.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #6215
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,158 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Just popping out to post some classical music in a padded envelope to a friend.

    Bach in a Jiffy.



  • #6216
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,009 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I'm thinking of opening a Spanish-Irish fusion restaurant called Tapas the Morning to You.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



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  • #6217
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,848 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Bought myself an expensive first aid kit today.
    Thought I’d treat myself.



  • #6218
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 99,467 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/124330963#Comment_124330963

    My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment. — Emo Philips



  • #6219
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 99,467 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails and now she thinks I slammed the car door on purpose. - Emo Philips



  • #6220
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,158 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Went to the sperm clinic earlier.

    The lady asked if I’d like to masterbate in the cup.

    I said ‘I’m good but I’m not ready to compete in a tournament yet’



  • #6221
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,009 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I can finally get rid of my case of two hundred 1980's computers I've had on eBay for six months, now that a bloke in Mexico has just bought them.

    Adios, Amigas.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



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  • #6222
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,009 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I’ve been stuck in Rome for the past 3 weeks.


    All their roads have this weird design flaw…

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #6223
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,009 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Crystal Ball for sale £50, although you will haggle me down to £35..

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #6224
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,158 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I have been teaching my dog to fetch my tools from the workshop.

    He's not perfect,but knows the drill.



  • #6225
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,009 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Officer:

    Sir, isn’t this is your 4th run in with the law?

    Tiger Woods:

    Yeah, but put me down for a 3

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #6226
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,009 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    The Phil Collins show is filmed live before a sussudio audience.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #6227
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,158 ✭✭✭xlogo


    The wife said the cat had to be chipped, I only had a 9 iron but still manged to get it over the garage.



  • #6228
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,158 ✭✭✭xlogo


    This morning I tripped over a box of Kleenex and thought I injured myself.

    Turns out it was just tissue damage



  • #6229
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,848 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.

    I lost my case.



  • #6230
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,158 ✭✭✭xlogo


    just got fired from my job at the ice cream factory.

    I refused to work on Sundaes



  • #6231
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,009 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    My aunt went to a seance to try and contact her dead window cleaner husband.

    They used a squeegee board.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



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  • #6232
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,158 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Rick Stein and has wife Phyllis went on a cultural day out to the art museum…

    She really didn’t enjoy it.



  • #6233
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,158 ✭✭✭xlogo


    After years of therapy to get over my fear of driving I’ve finally turned a corner.



  • #6234
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,009 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    When Lord Nelson died he was 5 feet tall. His statue in London is 15 feet tall. That's Horatio of 3:1.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #6235
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,158 ✭✭✭xlogo


    NASA is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

    They're calling it the Apollo G



  • #6236
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,009 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I just found out Steffi Graf has a sister called Polly.

    I'm not even lying.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #6237
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,009 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    An ancient Greek walks into his tailor's shop with a pair of torn pants.

    "Euripides?" says the tailor.

    "Yeah, Eumenides?" replies the man.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #6238
    Sam Russell
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 20,758 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sam Russell


    Elon Musk said it was a no brainer putting AI Data Centres in Space - well is that not the whole idea of AI - no brains needed!



  • #6239
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,158 ✭✭✭xlogo


    A man wakes up in an Australian hospital and asks, “Did you bring me here to die?”

    “Nah, mate,” the nurse says… “We brought you here yesterday.”



  • #6240
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,848 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    My mate asked me to help him with his crossword earlier as he was struggling with 4 across. "What's the clue?" I asked. "Overworked postman." He said. "How many letters?" "**** thousands."



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  • #6241
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,158 ✭✭✭xlogo


    A bloke walks into a shop and asks "May I have a small battery so that I can tell the time, please".

    "Oh, is it for a clock?"

    "No idea, that's why I need the battery".



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