Feeling stuck in my boyfriend's family business.

Hotblack Desiato · 09-03-2026 01:12AM

A business that can't afford to employ staff under proper T&Cs is not a viable business. The bf could be lined up to inherit nothing but a ball of smoke

Geuze · 09-03-2026 01:19AM

Check your social insurance record.

Mrs OBumble · 09-03-2026 08:04AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/124297328#Comment_124297328

Agreed: I have a horrible feeling you will find your tax has not been paid properly.

Start here: https://services.mywelfare.ie/en/topics/statements-refunds-and-repayments/contribution-statement/

greenbin2 · 09-03-2026 09:13AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/124296152#Comment_124296152

So your a free counsellor for his son too, that father is a very smart business man, profit before people!

zoobizoo · 09-03-2026 09:44AM

"Your bf is controlled by his father."

This will never change.

So you have to live with that dynamic for as long as he is alive.

I would imagine that your bf is severely lacking confidence and would not leave the business for fear of the unknown in a different work environment.

The recent house situation shows how the father can not to be trusted.

I wonder if you two got engaged, would the opinion of you change from "she's useful cheap labour" to "she's a gold digger after our business".

How would your bf deal with that?

Joesa · 09-03-2026 10:15AM

Family farm here. Similar situation here, working all our life for "our inheritance".

I'd say the son never had an argument with the father. I'm from a family of 7. We all have great respect and no one ever talked back to our parents (we're 40s/50s now). Father still sees us all as children.

Long story short, the father was giving out to me a couple of years ago. I told him to not be annoying me, that I was helping him, not here to be shouted at. Nothing major but he was shocked someone talked back to him.

Since then I've got my own small farm. Standing up to the father now is normal for me. They all say I'm argumentive now😁. But we get on fine, probably not as close as we were

But we can see now, it was us working for the father, not him working for our inheritance.

Like yourself I feel we were brainwashed into slaving for free all our lives. While he ment well, it wasn't in our best interests.

I think this is where the bf father is coming from. He wants a good business for his son. But I'd afraid to let the son have the business. Still sees him as a child

SassyOchreTurtle · 10-03-2026 01:50AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/124297594#Comment_124297594

From what I’ve been told by members of his own family, my boyfriend was essentially pushed into working in the family business from a very young age. It was always expected that he would take it over one day, so he never really explored other career paths.

He also struggles with mental health issues (not an excuse but a way to understand him) and because of that he genuinely doesn’t feel capable of working somewhere else. The business is the only work environment he has ever known, which makes the idea of leaving it very intimidating for him.

Sometimes this creates a strange dynamic between us. For example, he occasionally says things like he “rescued” me when we met, because at the time I was working in very poor conditions in another city in another job that I eventually quit. When I tell him that if this current situation is what he considers a rescue, then we probably have very different definitions of the word, he responds with things like “but where else would you find better conditions?”

The difference between us is that he has never worked outside the family business, while I’ve had several different jobs over the years. Because of that I have a clearer comparison of what fair working conditions usually look like, and that’s probably why I see the situation very differently from him. It makes me actually sad we doesn't have this reference at all and thinks that this "job" condition is normal.

zoobizoo · 10-03-2026 07:25AM

"but where else would you find better conditions?'

That is a worry. It's like he's a prisoner with an open gate to leave when he wants, but he chooses to stay.

I'd worry that his father has drilled certain ideas into him about work... and that that might also extend into certain ideas about you.

This thread should probably be moved into Personal Issues.

Deub · 10-03-2026 08:31AM

The hardest part is that I’m afraid that if I leave the job, it will damage my relationship or put him in a very difficult position. At the same time, I don’t know how much longer I can live like this.

All I would say is that the father has no issue doing this.He has no problem putting both of you in a difficult position and risking his son relationship.
I would say, time to go somewhere else. If the relationship is good and you both keep communicating and sharing your feelings with each other, it will be fine

SassyOchreTurtle · 10-03-2026 09:18AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/124300042#Comment_124300042

His father has actually said something along those lines before. He has told both of us that without the off licence we would never realistically be able to buy a house or build a life together because the housing market is so difficult.

So that idea has definitely been pushed quite strongly onto his son over the years. It’s almost presented as if the business is the only path to having any stability in the future.

The difference is that I don’t really see it that way. I’ve had several jobs outside the family business before, so I know that other opportunities do exist. Because of that I tend to challenge that idea when it’s brought up, even if my boyfriend finds it harder to question it.

SupaCat95 · 10-03-2026 10:21AM

I know this type of man and he is clearly out of touch with reality because he is the same as my father. He will never loosen his grip on the reins not because he doesnt have the money because it would be a sign of weakness. He is NEVER going to do this unless he has a heart attack or stroke and it will not be a gentle handover.

He is still trying to run the business with 1960s methods in the 21st century envoirnment. When you force this meeting it will be "Do you know who I am? My father built this business!". He will not cave in because of showing weakness.

You have some very serious decisions to make. In order of yourself , your boyfriendand the business in that order. Are you going to be OK on the "someday it will happen"? Will your boyfriend be able to adapt to life outside the shop? Will the business survive without two of ye working for free?

Remember your most important asset is your time. Your boyfriends father is a dope if he doesnt see you as an asset. Loads of places would see you as power couple with 25 years of experience behind you. Start chasing the big chains, look for a place to rent, put an exit plan in place.

Nobody is going to take you seriously unless you follow through.

csirl · 10-03-2026 11:32AM

Im not sure that having a meeting with your BF znd his father is a good thing to do. Would you normally discuss potential life changes with your employer? You"ll also be outnumbered and will be put under pressure to agree to some minor concessions or get promised things that will never materialise.

Before doing anything, you need to be clear what you want to do. Your job isnt working out on a number of levels. Think about your other options, where you"d like to be in 5 years time (from a careers perspective) and what you need to do to get there. Once you"ve figured this out, have a discussion about it and ask your BF to support you in your plans (if he doesnt, you know where you stand with him and move on).

The only interaction you need with the father i.e. your employer, is handing in your notice when you've found something else.

paulpd · 10-03-2026 11:50AM

The only way anyone would be putting in those hours are if you had equity in the business now, not promised equity down the line.

SupaCat95 · 10-03-2026 01:11PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/124300042#Comment_124300042

That indoctrination is VERY powerful and is deeply rooted in the psyche. Part of the problem is the boyfriend cannot see a life outside of the shop where he might see himself working for a bigger shop chain. There is also the issue of the accommodation. As soon as you say you are going pursuing other employment, you will be told to vacate the house as soon as possible. So you will need a good stash of money put away. To put down a deposit and have a months in advance and a new job.

Once you decide to leave you cannot turn back. It is a very very difficult decision.

SupaCat95 · 10-03-2026 01:20PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/124300524#Comment_124300524

Unfortunately I agree with you. Those concessions will never happen while he has cheap labour.

There are case studies of where the child never grows up and is always and indentured servant to the father. "Shur he has the roof over his head, cheap butter and his life is his work".

You are in a tough position OP, in the climate we are in. I would start packing a parachute, possibly two if ye can and get ready to bail. One day in the future, ye will get a call and it will be to come home that things are bad and you are needed to take over the shop. That "one day the farm will be yours" brain washing is very very hard to break. At least you do have your retail experience to take elsewhere. A farmer is very little without his farm.

Mrs OBumble · 10-03-2026 03:23PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/124300786#Comment_124300786

Agree with all that.

And I'm going to suggest calling Women's Aid for advice, too.

OP you may not think you are experiencing domestic abuse. But you are, it's economic and psychological, instead of the usual kind. Can be equally damaging, though.

SassyOchreTurtle · 10-03-2026 10:27PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/124300786#Comment_124300786

Yes, this is the main problem. My boyfriend is very smart and we love each other a lot. The thing here is he never had any other job than the family business. His father has manipulated his own son. They argue constantly.

I was actually going to quit last January when I told my boyfriend last year. He was really sad and told me we sacrificed everything for the last two years for nothing now. I stayed cause the mother told me the business was going to be given to us "soon" but I just can't take this anymore. Is causing me a lot of distress.

Jim_Hodge · 10-03-2026 10:32PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/124302839#Comment_124302839

You keep repeating all this. It's not going to change. If your BF loves you then he'll understand that you can't allow yourself to be abused like this. Let them pay someone to work along side him.

Dial Hard · 10-03-2026 10:38PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/124302839#Comment_124302839

They're gaslighting you, OP. It may be completely unconsciously and unintentionally, but that doesn't change the fact.

CelticRambler · 10-03-2026 10:55PM

As everyone else has said, it's all too common for a "family affair" in business to turn sour and one (possibly the most important) reason to keep your professional life separate from your private life. Unless you're in full charge of a joint venture, and sharing the ups and downs, the challenges and rewards as equal partners, then it's rarely going to work out.

That's the point you're at now, and that's the point you need to make to both your boyfriend and his parents. It's not your business, it's not even his business, and unless you have something very, very definite in writing, there is no reason for you to continue working there.

Ancillary arguments :

if the father suggests he can't afford to take on extra staff, despite having two people working way beyond the legal limits, then the business is dead. It'll never pay its way, and the son/your boyfriend will never be able to support you.
if you're involved enough in the book-keeping side of it to know that the business is a going concern, then you could re-frame your resignation as a "take-it-or-leave-it" offer and ask/demand that they hand it over to the pair of you now, to run as you see fit, not maybe at some unspecfied date in the future.
before you make any final decision - or give any ultimatums - ensure you've got all the info you need about your entitlements (current and future) and necessary steps that might be needed to protect them and yourself. A temporary solution could be to simply take all the holiday that's owed to you in one block, forcing the father to get his act together.
should you decide to leave, set a date and stick to it; with the boyfriend complicating the situation, it'd be easy for you to get sucked into a "just one more week" scenario that goes on for months.

Big Bag of Chips · 10-03-2026 11:13PM

Why do you think your boyfriend's father's badly run business is your responsibility?

Regardless of the job, we are all just a number. If you and your bf split up tomorrow they'd find some other eejit to work for pittance. Am I right in reading that your bf doesn't get any wage?? How is he living?

It can be very easy to be made feel responsible for others, especially when you're a soft touch. The father knows he has it good with you two. You're doing the same job that multiple employees are doing in the other shop. You're saving him a fortune, and he knows you're not going to report him for any labour laws.

He is not going to change, unless you do. I wouldn't even bother going down the route if ultimatums and trying to get him to be a decent employer. You are unlikely to be able to stand up to him alone without the support of your bf, and your bf is even more unlikely. At this stage I'd leave. Get any other job, anywhere else. They pay and working conditions will be better. You'll get proper time off and maybe your relationship will stand a chance. Although you'll soon get tired of him having no time off to spend with you or go away for weekends etc.

Do you mind me asking how old you are? And are you happy?

CramCycle · 10-03-2026 11:50PM

Tell your BF you are leaving the job, he can come with you, he can stay, but he has to accept that you won't work there anymore. Best case scenario he walks with you, middle case he stays but doesn't try and make you, worst case he asks you to stay. If it's the latter, time to say sorry, but it's time to leave them all.

SassyOchreTurtle · 11-03-2026 12:35AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/124302974#Comment_124302974

My boyfriend gets a disability allowance.

To be honest, I've never been in a situation like this before. I just go along with the idea that his father (and sometimes my boyfriend) have that the shop is our future, and that without the shop there's no way we can afford a house these days.

My boyfriend doesn't really have a concept of fair jobs because he has worked for his parents all his life, despite hating this job.

I'm 35 years old, and at the moment I'm very unhappy. I cry most of the time and blame myself for putting myself in this situation. I have a lot of anxiety lately because I'm alone in Ireland (I'm not from here). But at least I have the support of my family, even from a distance.

My boyfriend agrees with me that this situation is not sustainable anymore, but he still believes in the idea of staying in this business because it's our way to settle down in life, like his parents did. The difference is that his parents, who own another shop in another town, have a couple of workers, have at least three days off a week, and are constantly going on holidays.

But when I ask to get staff for the shop where we work his father always says "there's no money".

JoChervil · 11-03-2026 01:23AM

Look OP, this situation will never change (it might only get even worse). Only you can change it by leaving it. Save yourself.

JoChervil · 11-03-2026 01:45AM

BTW I am not sure if they shouldn't be reported to authorities for modern day slavery abusing their disabled son and immigrant GF…

Big Bag of Chips · 11-03-2026 02:24AM

Start looking for a new job. Now.

You will never progress while you're stuck with them. I also believe they don't ever intend signing the business over. Are there other children in the family? I'd guess when the time comes they won't sign it over to your bf because they'll say he wouldn't be able to cope.

They are taking advantage of both of you. They are only paying one wage - and are claiming to not be able to afford another. If that's the case then they can't afford to keep the doors open. I'd look for a new job, any job, and hand them back the key. You don't even need to give them notice. Just move on.

Whether or not your relationship lasts is another story. But maybe when you get out from the control of this family you will see there are other men out there who won't hold you back and abuse you, like these people have.

Detritus70 · 11-03-2026 08:37AM

I'm sorry, but are you saying you make €15k a week?
For that I'd tolerate quite a lot of crap, what business is it? What are the long-term prospects? Don't think of this in terms of the next 1-2 years, what's the prospects for the next 10-20 years?
When it comes to running a business, you're gonna spend years shovelling sh1t, but where else can you make Fifteen Grand A Week?

Mrs OBumble · 11-03-2026 08:38AM

The lad is NOT marriage material.

Jim_Hodge · 11-03-2026 09:09AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/124303123#Comment_124303123

OK. The extra detail here settles it. GET OUT NOW!

BF on disability and you are not Irish. The father is abusing both of you. Just leave and get another job. You can't live like this. I'd consider contacting the authorities, as he's breaking so many labour laws. As for the BF, if he doesn't fully support you leaving the job then he's either as bad as his father, using you too, or completely clueless. Either way you'd be better off without him.

And insist the BFs name is on the rental for the house.

SupaCat95 · 11-03-2026 09:11AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/124303299#Comment_124303299

Read it again very very carefully. The business probably "takes" €15k a week in takings. Light heat, refridgeration, suppliers, insurance, pension, tax rates wages all have to come out of that. That is a fairly big cherry to be dangling. The father will never let that go, guessing he is 65. So Another 15 years. The son will never work out how much he is controlled by his father until years afterwars. I would guess the father is on the spectrum as well and is an extremely miserly person.

He is NEVER going to let go of the reins. All ir takes is Aldi or Lidl to open half a mile away and ye are sunk. Time to parachute out.

Feeling stuck in my boyfriend's family business.

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