19 year old autistic guy struggling to get a girlfriend

coolboy2006 · 08-11-2025 12:50PM #1

Hey there Im a guy aged 19 who has autism and ADHD and I never had a girlfriend before. I've been wanting a girlfriend for years but I struggle to find one due to the lack of suitable places for me to find one.

I attend a FE college and I tried approaching girls there in the canteen but alot of the girls already had boyfriends and I also unintentionally made some of the girls uncomfortable due to me not understanding social cues or body language (I rely on words) and I got 2 warnings in college because of this. I tried dating apps for a year but I still had no luck even when paying for a subscription and I'm not great at online texting.And approaching girls in public places can be considered creepy and I don't want to risk any complaints that happened in college.

I would much prefer if someone were to set me up by arranging a meeting with a single girl, since I would already know the girl is single and interested and I would not need to guess or ask her if she's single or not unlike in college or in public settings. None of my peers from secondary school or college know any single girls they can set me up with and my only close friend went to an all-boys school (so he never grew up with girls around). I've looked up dating agencies but they all seem to be aimed for older adults looking for marriage and serious relationships rather than autistic people or young adults under 25.

Do you know any services in Ireland suitable for my age group that can act as a matchmaker and arrange a meetup between me and a single girl

HazeDoll · 08-11-2025 01:32PM

You might want to ask a mod to move this to the personal issues or relationships forum.

There might well be matchmaking services that accommodate people with ASD but in the meantime…

If you approach a girl thinking "I'm going to try to get this one to be my girlfriend," you might not be giving yourself a fair chance. It's so easy to make a bad impression when you're nervous or you're focussed on asking somebody out. Girls can pick up on the sense that you want a girl and you aren't fussy which one you get.

Put the girlfriend idea out of your mind and try just chatting to people. Girls are people, and people enjoy the company of other people. You might find that you make valuable and lasting friendships. There's a chance you'll meet somebody and form a deeper connection. There's a chance you'll have a few brief and doomed relationships - this is part of growing up!

'Getting a girlfriend' isn't the key to happiness, despite what so many romcoms might suggest. You're much better off actively cultivating a wide social circle and seeing what happens. This will help you to mature and gain an understanding of social interplay.

Join activities, get involved in clubs and let people get to know you. Even if it doesn't lead to romance it will definitely enrich your life.

gipi · 08-11-2025 01:39PM

There may be social groups and meet-ups for people with Autism & ADHD either in your college or locally to home. That sort of setting may help you to meet people who better understand your situation regarding social cues and body language, and may be less likely to misunderstand where you're coming from.

coolboy2006 · 13-11-2025 04:07PM

Would you mind researching if theres any services within Ireland that can set up me with a single girl (similar to matchmaking) thats appropriate for my age group

SupaCat95 · 13-11-2025 06:02PM

Been there and worn the T-shirt.

You are in a great place in college to meet people. Its the most natural thing to want to meet someone.

If you want to get a girlfriend be the boyfriend a girl would love to date. The girl will come in time.

First there is no dating fairy godmother and she is waiting to introduce you to your princess. There is going to a lot of hard work to be done. You are going to need a help of both a psychotherapist and Female friend (super neurotypical). Note this girl is your friend and not "girlfriend" material, you will be lucky to have her experience and talent as a friend, dont try to take advantage of it.

The girl will show you how to dress, dating etiquette and what is and what is not suitable dating material. Expect to have to listen and plenty of failures before you have success.

The Psychotherapist will teach you Theory of Mind and reasonable expectation among many other things.

Does college or the Local University have dance classes? Always a lack of male dance partners.

Also desperation, it has a smell and girls can smell it a mile off. Teenagers are cruel and insecure. You got two warnings at college about this. That should be your signal that you are doing something wrong and ask for professional help.

Girls don't grow on trees and when you kick the tree and one falls into your lap. You have to have something going on in your life. Look at the guys who do have success, they are invested in their course, into sports, music. Staying at home on the internet, playing video games and social media will not help.

I dont know of any dating agencies for people with Autism in Ireland. I found the UK (and worse the American) dating show for people with disabilities more of a freak show. I did find "First Dates" TV show great for watching date interactions and working out what type of girl I wanted to date/did not want to date. You need to be patient and start on the basic building blocks like dressing, social interactions, ToM, and loads more. Trust me many of the types of girls you think you want to date are not the type you imagined. Because a date doesn't work out or either party doesnt want a second date, its not the end of the world. You chalk it down to experience, why didn't it work out? There are loads of reasons: Chemistry, nothing in common, bad first impression (first impressions are very important), bad habits, too different backgrounds, incompatibility with Chinese astrology….. who knows? The important thing is you learn and you dont repeat the same mistake so often.

I wish you the best of luck. The world is a lot more crueller and colder place than when I was dating 15 years ago. These above are my experience.

ted1 · 13-11-2025 07:24PM

Forget about focusing a getting a girlfriend and focus and making friends who are girls.

It’s less effort , you’ll feel more comfortable around girls and possibly even introduced to a girl who may be a good match.

Try joining a club or society

SupaCat95 · 13-11-2025 08:07PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123985964#Comment_123985964

The two issues of the talk with the college need to be address. Its very hard to tell a teenage lad to tone down the testosterone. There is a lot of work that needs to be done particularly with the ToM, that need to be professionally addressed. This can be done privately while the OP is in college and will assist his social mobility while in college.

@coolboy2006 get a private psychotherapist specialising in Higher Functioning Autism (they are relatively cheap compared to other profession) to talk to. 12 session will do you the world of good. A little money spent now intensively will save you a ton of heart ache for yourself and everyone in the future.

coolboy2006 · 13-11-2025 08:53PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123985964#Comment_123985964

My college does not have any clubs or societies (it's not a university, it's a FE college). And the principal banned me from approaching girls there cause I unintentionally made some of them uncomfortable due to not understanding social cues and I got 2 warnings cause of this.

coolboy2006 · 13-11-2025 08:54PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123985795#Comment_123985795

I also want to experience "young love" first before jumping into a full adult relationship. I want to have a girlfriend when I'm still a teenager/young adult who has youthful facial features and minimal adult responsibilities

HazeDoll · 13-11-2025 09:09PM

OP, I think I remember a previous thread you had here. If I'm right about this I'm glad to read that you're spreading your wings in the wide world!

You're probably aware that it's very rare that somebody is told to stop approaching girls in adult education. The management must have received very concerning complaints to act so drastically. Whatever the difficulty is, it won't be solved by being introduced to single girls. I think you need to park the idea completely for now and instead concentrate on making yourself more aware of social cues and acceptable behaviour.

As you have been advised on this thread, the best thing you can do is get involved in activities. They don't have to be affiliated with the college, you can join a hiking group or a tidy towns committee or absolutely anything else. Take an art class, volunteer somewhere, spend time among people in a relaxed environment. Gradually you will pick up the subtle skill of social interaction, but more importantly you will enjoy yourself and build a circle of friends.

Dan Steely · 13-11-2025 09:39PM

How do you get on with your male classmates? Could you start off by socialising in a group with them. If there are females there just join in the conversation.

Are you in a city, or large/small town?

SupaCat95 · 13-11-2025 10:54PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123986272#Comment_123986272

You got two warnings and a baring order from school. That is a friend warning in school. Out in the real world is sexual harrassment, it stop short of being a sex offender and make you unemployable in the real world.

Take the advice you have been given. Build up the social skills and everything else will unfold in due course. The direction you are heading, you will be gone off the course before christmas. You are getting a reputation as a pest with the girls. If one girl says you are pest it is a rumour if two say it it is gospel.

Dazler97 · 13-11-2025 11:00PM

I'm 27 , gay and also have autism and ADHD I've only had 1 relationship which lasted a year but slept with a few men , I find it hard to find a man even now , it's tough especially as we have autism and people try to understand us but can't, I hope you find someone soon

coolboy2006 · 14-11-2025 01:11AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123986486#Comment_123986486

There's a male classmate I talk to sometimes in the class, there's only 4 girls in my course out of 20 classmates (it's a male dominated course) and none of the girls are even my type (one already has a BF, one is a 30 year old mature student who's too old for me and the other two aren't my type in terms of physical appearance)

Dan Steely · 14-11-2025 01:58AM

Was your secondary school mixed- or single-sex? How did you get on there?

If you are in a city or college town there will be student nights in local pubs and clubs. See if any of your male classmates would be interested in going. Spend some time just being a social person first.

I would hope you would take the advice in the posts above. It is exactly what you should do. Are there autism services available to you? You urgently need to explain your situation to a professional. I'm sure you had childhood supports. Are you still in contact or can you re-engage?

Do not approach any female until you get proper advice. Just don't. Your whole life literally depends on this.

I don't know you from Adam OP but I feel very worried for you.

coolboy2006 · 14-11-2025 09:46AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123986904#Comment_123986904

My secondary school was a mixed school and it went on great in my later secondary school years (I was bullied in my earlier secondary school years though). I don't have an interest in the pub or nightclub and I don't have any age identification to even get in one.

Cyclingtourist · 14-11-2025 10:10AM

I grew up as a teenager in the 1960s attended all male schools and colleges throughout my life and had brothers but no sisters. Can't remember ever having a 'girlfriend' but now married almost 40 years with one adult child.

The level of interaction between the sexes today in Ireland is at a level undreamed of by my generation.

Not sure it makes young people today any happier due to the pressure it brings, not helped by (un)social media of course.

Only advice I have for the OP is to relax, respect yourself and don't let others put you down. Easier said than done I know.

SupaCat95 · 14-11-2025 10:27AM

Right, this is stupid parenting at its finest! only outclassed by my own parents. What has happened is your parents got your diagnosis and threw it in a drawer or ignored the "hidden" language of the diagnosis. For those that dont know, a psychologist report has hidden language that only someone familiar with reading reports knows what is really being meant.

@coolboy2006 on your diagnosis, it should say you're are a "vulnerable person", that is why you are being treated with kid gloves intsead of being suspended or properly asked to leave the course. That magic card is wearing thin. It should also say somewhere that you need "vocational training" that is code for National Learning Network. Dont feel bad about it, I had to have a social worker explain it to me. Your current Principals patience is being stretched to their limit, before this happens do some smart stuff. Ask her to "suspend your place on the course due to medical issues", you can always come back later with no penalty or judgement. Register with your local NLN, no excuses there is definitely one in your regional town and possibly in your secondary town in the county. Make some friends inside their. these are all people with loads in common with you.

A psychotherapist will go through what your diagnosis means, they will set a course of psychotherapy for you to learn social skills, learn ToM, work placement in a protected social setting. Dont feel bad about it I have a niece the same age in the same FE environment who was too smart to take advice. She is socially failing because she does not have these social skills in college.

SupaCat95 · 14-11-2025 10:48AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123986904#Comment_123986904

College supports that I have seen at FE colleges are poor at best. ITs due to funding and resources. Its is like putting a plaster on a gunshot wound. What has happened is the parents got the diagnosis and never followed up on it or threw it in a drawer. Possibly there was a place offered in National Learning Network and it was not availed of or understood. College is a crap place to find out about how autism fits into the real world.

You cannot access NLN unless you are a registered student and you cannot get funding for both NLN and Further Education at the same time.

Definitely Do NOT approach any female. The first incident was a misunderstanding, you got warned and you did not correct your behaviour. That was not a misunderstanding. I know it is crap at college with no friends, been there. This is why smart parent have their kids do NLN instead of Transition year and then rejoin the class the following year (plus they get their FETAC level 3&4 qualifications on the side while learning social skills). I have no idea what you did in college OP, but it warranted two warnings by the principal.

As you are above 18 you are responsible for your own education now. If you are asked to leave the course, it will be hard to find another course in your area without the stepping stone of the FE college. Do not peeve off this Principal. I suggest you quit while you are ahead. Suspend the course, register with NLN (dont worry you get a payment while there), come back in 18 to your FE course and it will all have been forgotten about. The girlfriend will appear in time, they dont grow on trees. At this stage it is not your parents responsibility it is your responsibility to be aware of your autism.

SupaCat95 · 14-11-2025 11:01AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123987321#Comment_123987321

Part of the problem is Main Stream Media. "Love Island" and "Celebs go dating" is artificially slapping couples together that have nothing in common. I am fairly sure they are a lot older then they say they are. They are suddenly "living together" in confined quarters. That is NOT real life and is presented as reality. You have young "20 year olds" talking about moving in together when they have these makey uppy jobs. That is not real life but it is presented as Reality TV. Best relationships take weeks and possibly months to foster. Fun and games. It doesnt happen over night. Anything that happens as fast as those two reality programs burns out and up faster than a fire work and all you have is two vexed people.

Being in a relationship is not what is made out to be either. I am in one 10 years and married 5 years. its tough work. It has its ups and down, good patches and bad patches. I know a couple getting divorced and that is legally horribly messy.

Enjoy just making friends at college and being with your peers. Love is like a fart, if its forced its ****.

AndrewJRenko · 14-11-2025 11:19AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123986888#Comment_123986888

OK, so you need to start focusing on activities outside college. Find something that you're passionate about - sporting, volunteering, geek/gaming, whatever it happens to be. Find opportunities to be around other people.

John_Rambo · 14-11-2025 09:17PM

Volunteering. And I'm talking proper sleeves up volunteering with needy or vulnerable people, not shaking a plastic bucket or doing pushups for cash.

I did it for a while as a single male and it’s a sure fire way of meeting people, romantically or otherwise. Autistic, gay, straight, bi, introverts, extroverts, weirdos, oddballs, odderballs and everything in between.

But they're all beautiful good people, they wouldn't be there otherwise.

Anois_ · 14-11-2025 09:36PM

Forget every girl in your college. They would all be talking to each about you because of how you approached them wrong. You are a weirdo to them. Sorry to say it but it's the truth. Most relationships start as friendship first and then move onto boyfriend/girlfriend. You need to join groups like art class, walking, volunteering etc.. to first make friends with girls.

George White · 14-11-2025 09:38PM

Always remember to be self-aware. If you're not self aware, people will misunderstand and they will think you might be harrassing people.

Talking from personal experience, as an autistic person who for a long time struggled to notice that people were NOT interested in conversation.

Mo Ghile Mear · 14-11-2025 10:10PM

Hi Coolboy.

Here's the link for the National Learning Network (NLN) that the posters above were recommending.

https://rehab.ie/national-learning-network/

It has supports of all sorts for people with Autism and ADHD, both through the courses it provides itself and by giving advice etc to people who are on FE courses and might be experiencing challenges.

Do get in contact with them, you need to start building up the social skills and confidence which in time will lead to building relationships.

Please don't panic or stress over meeting a girlfriend. I'm female and honestly one thing that puts girls off is a fella being pushy or awkward or appearing too eager. Just be friendly and chilled and it will come about in time.

It's not easy for teenagers. I look back now on some of my early relationships and I cringe at my naivety and lack of self awareness. It took a long time to meet someone that I liked and who liked me.

I wish you well, you sound like a lovely lad.

Ozymandius2011 · 14-11-2025 10:24PM

You are still very young and have your whole life ahead of you. There is plenty of time.

John_Rambo · 14-11-2025 10:28PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123989050#Comment_123989050

I forgot to mention. You'll need to have empathy and understanding for volunteering.

Tork · 15-11-2025 03:56PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123985526#Comment_123985526

You're looking for a unicorn. Even if some sort of service does exist, finding a girlfriend isn't like buying something off Amazon. It looks like you need to work on your handling of social situations and go from there. From my lived experience, most women have a well-developed "creep-o-meter" and can smell desperation from a hundred metres away. You've already been warned twice, and banned from approaching girls in your college. That's very serious and hopefully has been a wake-up call for you. It's not the end of the world because it happened at college; your class will break up and everyone will go their separate ways. If you get things wrong when you start working…that's something else entirely. Have you sought any help for dealing with social situations, and with reading cues better? If you haven't, that should be the logical next step for you.

coolboy2006 · 15-11-2025 06:16PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123990363#Comment_123990363

If we can have a matchmaking service for older people, then why can't we have a matchmaking service for people aged under 25 or people with disabilities (like autism). I don't really get why matchmaking services, singles events or speed dating events rarely exist for the under 25s or disability demographic while not everybody likes dating apps or have suitable ways of meeting girls.

HazeDoll · 15-11-2025 06:49PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123990639#Comment_123990639

You're coming at this problem all wrong. Introductions to single autistic ladies won't be the magic girlfriend-getter you think they will. There's every chance you just wouldn't fancy the ladies you were introduced to, and there's every chance they wouldn't fancy you. The things that unsettled the women on your course and prompted them to involve management would be just as unsettling for a woman with autism.

As you have been advised a number of times on this thread, you need to do a lot of work on your social interactions before you go chasing romance.

Anois_ · 15-11-2025 06:58PM

I don't know why you are caught up in having a girlfriend. I was no Romeo and had no girlfriend at that age either but I didn't let it consume me. I also did not have autism or ADHD. Yes, I would have liked to have had a girlfriend but things don't always go the way you want in life.

19 year old autistic guy struggling to get a girlfriend

Comments