19 year old autistic guy struggling to get a girlfriend

coolboy2006

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123990707#Comment_123990707

It wasnt the girls in my course that I approached (theres only 4 of them), it was the girls outside my course during break times in the canteen

Anois_

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123990733#Comment_123990733

What did you say to them in order for them to report you? Did you touch them or just straight up ask would you like to be my girlfriend?

HazeDoll

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123990733#Comment_123990733

That is hardly the point.

SupaCat95

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123990639#Comment_123990639

The theory is good but how many autistic do you know? How many autistic people are socially together enough to get a date and get a second date, from the same pool? Your answer is not many.

A matchmaking agency, that requires a large pool of financially relatively people who have their life together (professional, social, domestic, educationally, economically) and can pay a subscription fee. Can you say that? That is why there is no dating agency for young Autistics. Its not a viable business model.

The autistics that are getting dates in university are all higher functioning and on the "higher" professions that have done their autism training before going and get snapped by Super Neurotypicals.

Deja Boo

I don't think he is looking for advice or suggestions, just appears to wants someone to research direct matchmaking services for him. Perhaps this should be moved to the Online Dating Forum, where they might be more informed of such things?

SupaCat95

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123990363#Comment_123990363

Unfortunately the serious of the two incidents and the baring order have not registered yet. What is more disturbing is the parents are ignoring the problem. The next step is the gardai get involved and reports are filled.

There will have to be another more serious incident before any corrective actikn is taken. If this happened anywhere else like university, he would be lynched out of a flagpole and his head would be on a pike.

HazeDoll

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123990778#Comment_123990778

It wasn't a barring order. That's a legal term that has real meaning.

I don't think he's one false move away from the gardai getting involved, maybe we can calm things down a little. However he has shown an unfortunate lack of social skills and you're probably right in saying that he hasn't really accepted that he needs to take some time to deal with these.

OP, can you clarify for us that you understand that you behaved in a way that was unacceptable? You don't have to give details of what happened but you need to address the problem.

SupaCat95

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123990772#Comment_123990772

There is no obligation on a matchmaking service to take anyone. In fact many matchmaker will turn away people for making unreasonable expectations and not recognising their own short fallings.

The fault here is media where there appears to be a slew of young successful, independently wealthy good looking people with high profile jobs who cant find anyone.

That isnt real life.

SupaCat95

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123990867#Comment_123990867

Maybe not a barring order but he has been warned twice and told to give the female students a wide bearth, the third time, then the principal will have to move on it.

If he does it to the wrong student or the parents get involved yeah then there will be a report lodge. College students are highly entitled and protected. Wrong student would think nothing of organising the student union for less.

coolboy2006

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123990778#Comment_123990778

ive stopped talking to the girls in the college after the second warning, I haven't gotten any more complaints since I returned to college after the October mid term, the reason why I stopped after the second warning and not the first is because I thought the college was just encouraging me not to approach girls instead of banning me

coolboy2006

….

Dan Steely

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123990778#Comment_123990778

Just on the parents thing, I'd guess they are unaware of the situation.

JM2300

What you really need is for someone to point out what your doing wrong as your doing it and actually teach you. Nobody hear really knows what the issue is without seeing you in full flight. It could be something as simple as weird intense eye contact or being really nervous, which then makes those you speak with nervous of you.

SupaCat95

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123990943#Comment_123990943

The ignoring the problem being refered to is the autism and the "vocational training" not the other two incidents. That would have been in the autism diagnosis.

Anois_

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123990962#Comment_123990962

weird intense eye contact

Funny you should say that. I knew this girl who done a fresh start course and there was a guy on the course similar to OP. I remember her telling me he looks at her weird. I didn't think much of it. I was in a niteclub one night and I seen him so I started talking to him and asked what are you doing here. To get a woman he replied. I remember talking to him and he was doing that weird eye thing too and I remember thinking to myself you would really want to learn to stop doing that if you want to get with a woman.

SupaCat95

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123990962#Comment_123990962

That is what NLN is for. There would be intensive psychotherapy and a safe envoirnment to practice in. Dating is heavily discouraged in NLN.

Dan Steely

The "weird eye thing" is generally inherent in the condition I think. Can it be "unlearned"? I don't know.

OP, how are you getting on otherwise? Academically? What do you do in your spare time? Do you socialise?

SineadSpears

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123990927#Comment_123990927

There are ways of finding out of someone is single without asking directly.

Usually if someone has a partner it comes up easily enough in conversation.

You could say you've done something fun last weekend and ask if she got up to anything nice herself. If she says "no, I just took it easy", that might mean she sat at home alone/single (or just that her boyfriend was busy).

Or say you've tried a pizza from a new takeaway place and suggest she try it. If she says, "cool, I will", then you might say "it's a bit much for one person, you'd want to be sharing it". If she replies "that's no problem, my boyfriend will share it with me", then clearly she's not single. If she said, "that's no problem, I've a 6ft tall brother who won't let any of it go to waste", most likely there's no boyfriend on the scene.

Or, Hey any plans for Christmas? If she says "just spending time with family & then 'the girls' ", without any mention of a boyfriend, then it's probably safe to guess that she's single.

I'm not suggesting you ask those exact questions, but they are just examples of how you could find out if some is single or not through conversation, without putting them on the spot and straight out asking if they are single or not.

coolboy2006

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123991136#Comment_123991136

Academically I'm doing quite good in my college course now, I'm currently enjoying my course.

In my spare time I go to the gym, play video games listen to music. I also socialise with people sometimes online or in-person

SupaCat95

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123991136#Comment_123991136

Yeah that can be taught, its more about awareness.

HazeDoll

He wasn't reported and warned for making intense eye contact. Neither was he reported and warned for asking women out, even women who are in relationships.

Anois_

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123991452#Comment_123991452

warned for asking women out

I'm pretty sure he said so in first post. What was he cautioned twice for so? If he was cautioned twice he must have done something bad as a chick wouldn't report one incident. Major things must have happened many times.

Airyfairy12

Having autism and adhd can mean youre more inclined to hyper focus on things and it seems like you might be hyper focused on finding a girlfriend and youre approaching this like youre trying to buy a pair of shoes or something, youve already had some negative experiences with your approach. This might indicate that you dont have the maturity to know what to do with a girlfriend or a relationship, if you found one. For now, I think you should really be focusing on yourself, developing hobbies and interests, focusing on your course and getting good marks, building friendships or atleast good relationships with acquaintances. You deserve love and connection but these things take time to build and to attract the right people you have to become someone theyre attracted to, this doesnt mean change who you are just become a more fulfilled version of yourself. You cant force anyone to like you or be interested in getting to know you and youve already gotten feedback from the college and other students either rejecting you, warning you to stop or refusing to introduce you to women they know. This doesnt mean youre a bad person or are flawed, it just means you need to step back from trying to date and start investing that energy into your own growth.

coolboy2006

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123991461#Comment_123991461

Im not focusing on getting a girlfriend in College anymore, I've stopped approaching girls in the college after I got my second warning back before the October midterm. I haven't approached any girls since I went back to college after the October mid-term and did not get any more warnings or complaints since

HazeDoll

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123991461#Comment_123991461

A chick?

He hasn't said what happened that resulted in the warnings, and it's possible he doesn't fully understand what went wrong, but there's no way two women reported him for asking them out and the institution acted on those reports.

Maybe he was persistent, maybe he was aggressive, maybe he was wildly inappropriate - we have no way of knowing. We can be certain that the relationship status of those women was not the issue, whether they were single or not.

HazeDoll

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123991488#Comment_123991488

The fact that they are in the same college as you is not the issue. I don't think any of this is sinking in.

You need to talk this out face-to-face with somebody. There must be pastoral care of some sort in FE, on Monday you need to link in with that. If you're not sure where to start, go to the person who told you to stop bothering the ladies on your course and tell them you need pastoral care and support.

Airyfairy12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123990962#Comment_123990962

This is so true, social skills are a skill that can be learned! Have you ever looked into social skills coaching? There are lots of neuroaffirmative coaches and therapists that could help you.

coolboy2006

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123991507#Comment_123991507

On Thursday this week I begun seeing someone from the YAT team (search it up if you don't know what it is) in the college. I was talking to them about my issue with girls and trying to get a girlfriend, the YAT person is considering suggesting me to join groups where I can safely meet girls without repeating the same problems I had in college

HazeDoll

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123991521#Comment_123991521

You don't have to give us any details, but do you understand why there were complaints about you? Has anybody talked through these issues with you? If not, is there anything to suggest you won't make the same mistakes in other settings?

Dan Steely

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123991521#Comment_123991521

Excellent start. Good luck.