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Developed an Interest in My Neighbour

  • 15-06-2025 09:28PM
    #1
    friendship_issue
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 47 ✭


    Long story short, I have been in a relationship with my partner for the past 13-years.

    We moved to a new accommodation early last year. We identified that a neighbour in a block directly across from us was gay, not least because of Pride flags in the windows and often seeing him with different men on his balcony. Thought nothing of it, really - except until last January. At that time, my bf and I decided to use the residents gym. Occasionally I would see that neighbour enter the gym and I grew more and more attracted to him. My bf even made jokes at the time that he'd like to watch he and I have sex together. I dismissed those interests, but I privately started to fancy that neighbour more and more.

    That started in January. Fast forward to April and I decided to download Grindr and try to find that neighbour. It wasn't hard, and after a while I summoned the courage to message him. We met in a local pub and later went home and only kissed, spent time in bed together - no intercourse. We have since met twice in the last 2 months - with the same outcome. We probably would have met more if not for how busy he is with work and friends.

    The problem is that I keep thinking about him - almost obsessively. When we met last time, the neighbour said that I was "dramatic" in my attempt to meet him, but as he likes me physically, we met anyway.

    But I keep wanting to meet him, and I'm always hoping he'll message me. Sometimes I message him with something just for the sake of talking to him, even though it doesn't achieve anything.

    The neighbour said that he would like me to tell my bf, as we both know the bf probably wouldn't have an issue with it.

    But I feel the issue is much deeper than that. Whilst the neighbour isn't interested in me romantically, it seems, I seem to be the case with him.

    That means I run the risk of wrecking two relationships at the same time - and that's where I'm totally stressed as to what to do here.

    That's the long and short of it, but happy to provide more detail if people want it. This issue is consuming my mind for the past 8-weeks now.



Comments

  • #2
    charlessmith22
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 57 ✭✭charlessmith22


    Its sounds like you feel dead inside your own skin and home. You've created a life for yourself that you're clearly miserable in that you're willing to blow it all up for a bit of a dopamine rush. Sorry thats where your life has ended up. I'd suggest therapy to the bottom of these issues and to try find some inner happiness.



  • #3
    tea and coffee
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,877 ✭✭✭tea and coffee


    Sounds like he's just interested in you sexually. Is that worth potentially destroying what you have?

    Are you basing that your partner will be OK with you basically cheating on one jokey observation he made once? Or have you an open relationship? If it's the former, I think you're just using his joke as an excuse that he'll be OK with it.

    How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

    You know very little about the neighbour so what you're feeling is not love or anything like it- you're sexually attracted to him too. That's fine, but be honest with your partner.

    FFWIW , I think throwing away what you have on a crush is daft. The neighbour has made it clear he's not really interested in a relationship.



  • #4
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,895 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    OP, it's very clear from your previous thread that you have compulsive tendencies and tend to fixate on people. I'll reiterate the advice I gave you in that thread - you need to do some major work on your boundaries (or lack thereof).

    I'll leave it at that, as I somehow doubt you're going to take any of the advice you're going to get on board.



  • #5
    friendship_issue
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 47 ✭friendship_issue


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123548733#Comment_123548733

    I agree with you that I need to set boundaries and make sure I keep to those, but it's one of those things that's easier said than done - particularly if it's not something you're very good at for practically decades.

    I think it's unfair to say I'd never take advice on board, though.



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