Asking permission

I’m going to guess your Mrs is a traveller?

To be honest OP I get your point and all but at the same time I’m looking at it from their point of view it is very disrespectful.

I think instead of trying to be “right” to make life easier for all involved, just give them a shout and say look I am sorry you feel hurt but I just don’t believe in asking for permission etc etc but I do understand how you feel on the matter hope we can move on from this etc.

you don’t even need to apologise but these are your future in laws so I don’t get why you’d burn the bridge.

Trust me, if/when you guys have kids etc having her parents support will be big and having them on your side will be good for you too. I couldn’t imagine having my Mrs parents dislike me. It would make life very awkward I say.

Knowing the background that your future Mrs came from you could have come up with some solution to ask for her hand and keep everyone happy,sounds like you wanted to cause a rift.

To be honest I thought that kind of thing was gone out years ago. I'm married 47 years and my husband didn't ask permission, not did my son in law when it came around to our daughter. I can't remember any of my friends in my day, nor my daughter's friends in recent years having to "get permission". And we're a fairly traditional farming family in rural Ireland. It sounds like something out of a Maeve Binchy novel at this stage.

I'd be inclined to say.. start as you mean to go on and don't be intimidated by their attitude. If your fiance is ok about it all I wouldn't let it bother you.

SSounds Like a battle of wills between you and the auld fella,she should tell both of ye to cop on.

What is the age difference between you?

Myself and the OH come from traditional families. I ran it by her old pair before I dropped the knee, I know they appreciated it big time. Always got on well with them and we were together a good while by then so it was no surprise.

He's cheated on his wife several times and physically abused her too in the past as well as his sons.

He's not really someone I'd want to appease about anything tbh.

We're thinking of telling them to either support us or don't bother coming but not sure if that adding feul to a fire that's already blazing?

I wouldn't issue an ultimatum, you have to know it would of course add fuel to the fire. You don't need his support for anything really. When is the wedding ? See how things work out between now and then, there's no rush to be reacting to the father's behaviour now. See how your fiancee feels when tempers have calmed. She may very well want to invite them and leave it up to them if they show. It all sounds very childish of him over something very small.

He’s no man, by the sound of him. Don’t you dare appease him. You seem like a good person and your fiancée seems happy. He’s probably more threatened by that than anything else.

OP, one thing is respecting a tradition and another one is respecting a man himself. A lot of people don't believe in God yet, celebrate Easter or Christmas. You can find certain things silly yet follow up to get on with others smoothly.

If I were you, I would ask your girlfriend first and THEN ask their parents just out of tradition, if it was important to them. If they said no, so then you could have gone with all guns blazing. You missed that opportunity.

I think you need to do a proper soul searching, because maybe you WANT to fight with her father. So you take any opportunity, where you can show your upper hand. Maybe it was in this case? Truly strong person pick their fights and avoid unnecessary hustle.

Accept that you are not able to change him and the dynamics in his family. I don't think him giving you a cold shoulder is only because of this asking. You already acted against him trying to help his wife. I think it will always be an underground fight between you both, so maybe it is the best to just limit your interactions to minimum but be open to all other members of family to stay in contact with you.

I don't pander anyone. As you said you know his modus operandi, so you know that if you win a battle with him, weak people around him will pay for it. Not him. Try to find a way to help these weak people without making their situation worse. You already admitted that her brother very likely won't come because your open fight.

As they say: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Don't you think, they if you kept your relation with this man "friendly", you could have better chances to positively influence at least her brother.