Asking permission

Calahonda52

OP, I don't know why you even started this thread as you have already decided you are not going to bend the knee.

I had a similar experience, we walked and never had anything further to do with the parents.

Our last event was their funerals.

However, the abuse issue you refer to is a concern

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123269724#Comment_123269724

You don't get me, OP or I didn't explain it properly. You can lock horns or be civil. If he acted abusive in your presence you should always react but in a civil matter.

You can only have upper hand in: asking for permission, inviting him to your wedding, inviting him to your place. That's it. You refuse all three, you will cut all ties. But cutting all ties, you will also cut ties with all other members of her family because you will force them to choose, so you will have no chance that the truth about his real character will ever be exposed to them. So it is your choice. You need to figure out what you want: to have three small wins or to slowly expose his mean character, so you might win a battle.

3DataModem

"I'm glad you like tradition so much, so you can pick up the tab for the wedding."

Jim_Hodge

I'll ask again, as you posted on age differences elsewhere. What is the age difference between you and your fiancé? I just have a feeling it may be part of the issue. That said I could be way off.

charlessmith22

We're both early 30's?

Raichų

OP it sounds like you just wanted people to come and tell you how righteous you are in your crusade against him.

I’d be inclined to take a step back and consider how your married life will be like with animosity towards you from the in laws.

con___manx1

Why would you not of just asked if you knew that's what they wanted?

maybe because it Had to be all about you and your beliefs ? I'm guessing you are a young person.

You are marring into the family so you will have to deal with her parents for many years. It's better to be on good terms with them believe me.

charlessmith22

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123270069#Comment_123270069

If you've read the thread it was out of respect for my partner and she's since thanked me for that. Other women in the thread have also said they'd be mortified if their partner saught permission from their father.

In an ideal world she wants nothing to do with him and would like a clean break, but there's other loved ones caught up in it. We've unsuccessfully tried to take them away from the danger but such is the psychology of such situations people rarely leave their abusers unfortunately.

homingbird

That is the least of your worries you will have to except shaving the kids head & tattoos as well my advice is keep well away .

89897

OP this man sounds horrible but you're going to have to pick your battles and placate him while its effecting others unfortunately. You said your fiancee would love to cut him out but she cant so you need to follow her lead on this.

Congrats on the engagement and enjoy the planning, do whats necessary for this man and nothing more and plan your day your way.

recyclops

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123270091#Comment_123270091

First off congrats.

Personally I found there was a big difference between asking and telling, both end up with the same result either way and majority of people getting engaged rarely shock their families unless its relatively quick but the semblance of respect seems to go a long way and is appreciated.

My wife and my parents in law both appreciated that I told them but then I also told my brother, my dad and a few mates all before hand.

Has your Fiancee spoken privately to her mother or what does her mother make of the situation?

NiceFella

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123270091#Comment_123270091

Tbh I was on the parents side until you mentioned he was abusive. At first it sounded like you were just giving out about what you thought was an outdated tradition. But In this situation I wouldn't bother with them. Not sure what this thread is about really.

spaceHopper

I think you should just do nothing to antagonize him. Don't address it as that's what he wants. Look up "grey rocking". Your partner has brothers and she probably want's her mother at the wedding too. If you give him an excuse to cause drama, he'll take it.

Plan the wedding, include him in the bridal party, have him at the top table…. He will want to save face he will want to be part of that. That's your hook to keep him in line. Honestly why do you care if he's happy about it or not. If you want to distract him, tell her parents that you are planning the guest list and is there anybody you should invite? My sister caused drama by not inviting a cousin my father was close to. For my wedding I made sure to nip that in the bud early and made it my father's choice.