Why me .

false name · 14-03-2025 05:57AM #1

Hi I’m looking for advice and any perspective on my problems . I was born into a humble enough home . My parents were great . Mammy a stay at home mother , my father in construction / building jobs . Needless to say the ‘80’s and early ’90 s were tough enough due to the economic climate of the time but we got by by my father growing vegetables and keeping a few cattle or pigs which would be slaughtered and put in the freezer and cutting turf for heat / fuel .
I loved the life of farming and did all the work with my parents .As a result went to ag college to get my green cert . . I was always told that the house and land would be mine when the day came . To that end I went to work and then America for a few months . I came home and paid for double glazed windows and new doors for the house . When 911 happened my work in the US dried up and I came home again and got a construction job . Still the plan was the same and I put new septic tanks and filters to replace what can only described as a hole in the ground and would never have past new regulations .

Then the Celtic Tiger happened and suddenly 1/2 acre with road frontage was worth money . My siblings who up to that time were embarrassed about their upbringing suddenly got on to my parents about them each getting a slice of what they tought was a lucrative pie .

Then I was diagnosed with a condition which will eventually put me in a home / wheelchair and the money I had saved to go abroad to stop it vanished.stolen Now my siblings are set to inherit any valuable property and the house . I have already sought legal advice and will go to the high court to get my bank records to prove the work and the expense I went to and have other receipts .
I suppose the question I’m asking is did I do something wrong by putting my life on hold while I looked after my future and that of my parents .Needless to say any dealings with my siblings is over . I don’t give a fcuk about them and they me .

14-03-2025 12:08PM

Was there a will made that actually granted you the house? If not then the house and farm will be distributed equally between all kids, unless you can prove you were werent adequtely provided for.

LastApacheInjun · 14-03-2025 12:19PM

This is the problem with land. If you are the child that has voiced an interest in keeping the farm going, and your parents are happy with that, you have to ensure you get it in a will before you start ploughing your own money into the place. And ideally, this should be discussed with the other siblings. Worst case scenario, if your parents don't have a will, is that the farm will be sold and distributed equally between the siblings. You may have a claim over the increased value of the property with the new septic tanks and double glazed windows, but you'd have to speak to a solicitor about that.

Hannibal_Smith · 14-03-2025 12:46PM

Your parents are still alive, no? So the land and any financial benefit from it is theirs still. It's not definite what they'll do with it, but it would be unfair to leave their other children out of any gift they might make of it.

I don't think you were wrong in doing what you did, it was your measured decision at the time with the information you had and I know it's easy to say, but regrets are a waste of time. They can't change the past.

I'm sorry to hear about your condition, that must be terribly rough to deal with. But you don't know what your parents will decide to do with their property so really instead of banking on money that may or may not come to you, talk to someone about putting a plan in place for yourself.

Xterminator · 14-03-2025 01:09PM

Hi Op

Sorry your having a bad time.

Your siblings have done nothing wrong. Your anger is misplaced. If your parents are alive and well and of sound mind, then their dealings with their other children is between parent and child. It is not subject to your approval. Parents can do what they want with their property. Including disposing as they see fit, while alive.

I recommend you have a chat with mental health professional. Look after yourself.

Long term and intense anger has been linked with mental health problems including depression, anxiety and self-harm. . It is also linked to poorer overall physical health as well as particular conditions from high blood pressure, colds and flu to coronary heart disease, stroke, cancer and gastro-intestinal problems.

source: https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/explore-mental-health/publications/cool-down#:~:text=Long%20term%20and%20intense%20anger,cancer%20and%20gastro%2Dintestinal%20problems.

false name · 14-03-2025 02:19PM

My parents are elderly and my mother has been diagnosed with dementia . There is no hope other than getting proof of my money stolen as it was cash . The brother who is now supposed to inherit the house is , and has always been a dole bum with an arrogance above what he has done with his life . He’s the only one without any qualifications etc .Unlike my other siblings who have houses and jobs . I have somewhere a copy of their initial will made when both were compos mentos which leaves the house to me . One brother in particular has been working my parents with tales of no money in farming etc . There isn’t but it’s just an addition to my normal work . It’s not intensive farming as there are no sheds etc . He is the type to live in your ear and rent the other one out . I suppose the reason I started the thread is to lay things out where I can see them .

Hannibal_Smith · 14-03-2025 02:50PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123263933#Comment_123263933

You need to set aside your feelings on who you feel should or shouldn't inherit from your parents' property. It's a waste of time as you've no control over it and it's only making you miserable. Xterminate is right in that your anger is misplaced. Focus on yourself and your situation and putting a plan in place as best you can for yourself .

NiceFella · 14-03-2025 03:18PM

You need to really watch your mental health with this sort of stuff. I've felt it in my life, going over and back in my head over and over again about how unfair and undeserving my siblings are in these situations. It will put you in a hole and is not worth it. Families leave many people demoralized and while I have empathy for some the way out is to have gratitude for what you have.

The only thing you can do in this situation is to reach out to your siblings. If you wanted to work the farm, why not ask them for some time to save up to buy them out? They will probably give you a favorable price. Let them know the plans you had for it and they you wanted to continue the family trade.

The worst is they can say no.

false name · 14-03-2025 11:09PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123264155#Comment_123264155

I know that is the sensible way to advise someone , but it is an issue of self worth that has taken me over . Everyone I know now has been laughing at me and how I did as much as I could for the tiny holding . It seems that they got away Scot free while I did my duty , not because I had to but because I wanted to be that next person in the line . It’s because I am now disabled that I am feeling the rage . They can’t do anything to me now . But by getting my money that I put in 30 years ago I can leave it to MY children not the fcukers who have put me in an early grave

iniscealtra · 15-03-2025 09:10AM

@NiceFella has given solid advice there. Who cares what anyone else thinks or more likely what you think they are thinking. People have their own lives to live. Parents often look out for the sibling who hasn’t done so well for themselves more than the others. Let the resent go and their share out if you can.

NiceFella · 15-03-2025 12:20PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123265510#Comment_123265510

You've a lot of anger clearly and I'd advise going to a counselor to discuss better ways of handling it as a first step.

All of that self pride stuff is in your head and is doing you no good. You have your family and perhaps friends. Invest time in them and yourself. You will work things out one way or another, but don't spend your life angry and bitter it's a waste and not good for anyone.

Its not just sensible but a choice about happiness ultimately. Don't forget, there are people in far far off places having to deal with situations that are completely unfair and unjust. We can get in our heads about things like this, you don't have to give it power. Vent if you need to vent but choose to use your energy in a more constructive way. It's not easy and it will take time but you will be better off looking at things in a different way.

Deeec · 15-03-2025 12:37PM

A few things need to be pointed out to you I think. You seem to feel you are more deserving than your siblings because you spent money on the property and helped on the farm and in your eyes your siblings done nothing. Is that correct though? My own situation is that my brother does the rough work on the farm that everybody sees. I on the other hand do all the farm accounts and paperwork for my parents, I clean and cook for them, I do their shopping and bring them to medical appointments and whatever else needs doing. Luckily for me my parents value the work I do for them and I will also receive land. The point I'm making is that your other siblings could have and be currently working in other ways to help your parents which you may not appreciate but your parents do. Also when you were away in America who helped your parents - it was probably a big mistake of yours heading away.

Also I'm so sorry about your health issues but again this diagnose may have changed your parents thoughts on the farm. By the sounds of it you may be not able to farm at all and what happens then!

I think you need to forget about the farm and concentrate on your own health and move on - in all likelihood you are still going to receive an inheritance just not as much as you would have liked. . If you feel it's justified ask if you can be reimbursed for the house windows, septic, tank etc.

billyhead · 15-03-2025 12:41PM

This is really sad. There's more to life than money OP. Were only here for a short while. Try and make it up with your siblings.

false name · 15-03-2025 04:43PM

I. Understand a lot of the points made but I can’t , or more accurately will not let it go .. @Deec there was no farm before me . My father kept a couple of animals either for slaughter or sale , and by a couple I mean two just so he could keep his herd number alive as it was import to him .
The land was rented out when I was told by my parents that I as the only one qualified to farm it , they would leave it to me . I took over the rental of it for the same , paltry income for my parents and started to raise the rent yearly even though it cost me .

I was the one who took them shopping , paid the phone bills and esb etc and made sure the phone was kept up .

I replaced the wire gaps with gates , replaced the rotting fence posts etc . Got the legal responsibility of cutting the hedges fencing the land . I did practical stuff like buying a tractor and getting the potholes in the lane filled . It was an embarrassment to my parents how visitors and visiting family members would have to tiptoe around potholes and puddles . All this gave them pride in leaving it in a better state than they got it ., especially Daddy . He was left the land in a bad state in the 50’s and later he had a family and no money or machinery to improve it . He always lamented how it was different in his younger days.
It’s only recently that my siblings have taken over bringing them to medical appointments etc . I did all that prior to them . I think I was always an embarrassment to my siblings as I wasn’t physically as strong as normal .

Also the cash stolen was for a medical procedure which would have halted its organisation .

That’s a major , no THE major problem Ihey have . By stealing my money , in their minds , they can give some sort of justification for sending me to a wheelchair , an invalidity home and ultimately an early death because I have this condition . But I had worked and saved to go for procedure to stop it .

No money can repay me for that , but it might in years time be an important help to MY children . Not my nieces and nephews but my children . Who I have raised and loved their whole lives .
For them

false name · 15-03-2025 04:51PM

Sorry about the long long posts

Deeec · 15-03-2025 06:45PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123267185#Comment_123267185

I understand your annoyance and frustration.

Stole is a very strong word to use. It's not clear from your posts if your family actually stole money from you or you willingly gave it to them. Can you clarify what happened?

iniscealtra · 15-03-2025 09:36PM

@false name You will have to clarify a few things there that honestly don’t make sense to me ‘there was no farm before me’ and ‘i was the only one qualified to farm it’. If there was land and your dad had a here number there was a farm. Was it profitable now that is another question and or well maintained but it still would have had been a farm. You were told that you were the only one qualified to farm it. Do you have the green cert ? Anyone of your siblings can do that course. Do you mean that at that time your Parents were confident that you could farm it ? Things change and time also changes things.

false name · 16-03-2025 12:55AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123268180#Comment_123268180

There was land my father owned but had been neglected due to not being a full time farmer . The place was overgrown with weeds and ragweed , which I pulled . I am the only one with a green cert and though my siblings could get one they have no interest

. Another thing I didn’t add is that there are a couple of sites along a road which are since the Celtic Tiger and the rise in site prices have suddenly become something my siblings have coveted as an easy c100k for the having . They have plied my mother about how much assets she has and how it should be divided equally irrespective of their ( non ) input into it .

They current renters family have about 9 farms of land , each following the same premise . Rent it and then get in the ear of family members about how there’s no money in farming and they will buy the land for €. cash .

Another thing is that when I was diagnosed all my tools and stuff I had been buying was taken by my brothers . One even had the nerve to ask me for the lend of a tool , worth €100’s and how he needed it for his work . I hold him I sold it had taken home . Another when I landed at his house asking for them gave them back to me .
It’s clear to me that when I got diagnosed that they made their decision that I was an invalidate . I didn’t . I kept working and saving money .
I had saved €38710 which in 2015 or so would have been equivalent to the $55,000 I needed.

My brothers are parasites . My sister , despite excelling in business has always had a grudge against me because of the 1998 civil service exam which we both took . I came 2nd in it despite leaving shool at 16 while she repeated exams to get her points .

That was a shock and insult to her . I know because her school friends let it slip on a night out .

I was a joke to her . I was 16 leaving school , with passes in everything and a couple of honours . And I had mitched most of my senior years .

In 5th year at school they gave me an IQ test which was revealing to say the least .

I was the most gifted intellectually by some margin and all I wanted was to walk the land and farm , rather than go to college .

iniscealtra · 16-03-2025 03:09AM

Buy them out. That is your only option here.

Let go of the resent if you can. It will be easier to appraoch this situation if ye get on.

Also life is too short for falling out with family over what is not you or your siblings decision but your parents.

In reality you are entitled to nothing.

As another poster mentioned. Gratitude is very important. Be grateful for what you do have in your life. You mentioned children etc. Maybe enjoy spending time with your parents in their old age rather than obsessing about their assets.

Let the resent go. It is poison.

hawley · 16-03-2025 05:55AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123268697#Comment_123268697

How did your money get taken? Are you living in the same house as your parents, or are you living with your wife and children? Why did you keep your money in cash? I agree with another poster in that parents will often look after the child whose life didn't work out well. You were never guaranteed anything.

false name · 16-03-2025 05:55PM

I had to keep it in cash as my now ex wife opened joint accounts that she used to steal cheques and like from the rental home we shared .
My ex wife was pretending to be in her company office in Dublin when she was actually working online from an office she had set up in her mother’s , now her house . She would leave the house we shared very early to her so-called commute to work in Dublin and “come home ‘“ on a Friday .
There were also “work” trips to various destinations . I would email her work email to see when was a good time for a call and would get her out of office on business reply .
However I used to set up throwaway accounts and mail her and the reply was a very different out of office reply . She was on holiday !

I obviously must seem dim witted when I not an all . I’m just not a go-getter with airs above my station like my siblings .

I got places in university but after a semester I told my father I was wasting my life. He said do what you want to do . So the following year I started in ag college and started up grading the house and land . My parents seemed very happy that their succession was set up and they’d be looked after in their old age .

To answer why I kept cash hidden in my parents out building was because my ex would contrive to steal it .
Over a few months I saved money that I kept in cash hidden in the house I shared on the weekends with my ex wife .
She obviously found it but rather than get implicated herself sprung a surprise weekend away in a big hotel .
Her sister and children would look after our toddlers .

I had no time to move it and sure enough it was gone when we got back .

Her 18 yo nephew who didn’t work then surprisingly had money to buy a car .

I lived in England for a few years and the difference between Irish and English people couldn’t be starker .

Irish people seem to expect their parents to provide for them not the other way around . Or perhaps it’s just some country people that expect an inheritance without putting money or effort into it .
I know all these grievances are colouring my memory but the dole bum brother has always been the Bain of my life .

As the older he got put on the car insurance and promptly thought he was a racing driver .
Of course he’d go to the pub and get locked , writing the car off on his way home . He had a job but did he ever try to repay my parents for the car ? No after 2car write off

I bought a PlayStation and he sat playing it for days , giving himself a fit .

Of course it went in the bin as it was the PlayStation’s fault not the prick that gave himself an epileptic fit by being on it for days continuously .

My money was stolen . I suspect my mother who knew of its location told my brother . He strangely enough , with no job and driving a clapped out van suddenly had money to buy a fairly recent car .

Stolen , gave away . Semantics aren’t important .
The results are the same .

HazeDoll · 16-03-2025 09:20PM

I find your posts difficult to understand but it seems that you're holding on to a lot of pointless resentment. The people you are so bitter towards are happily living their lives while you fume and rage.

You say your sister 'repeated exams to get her points' as if this is a failing on her part. She had a goal and she showed determination, and got there in the end. Why does that make you so angry? I promise you she is not constantly replaying the 1998 civil service exam the way you seem to be.

You sneer at your siblings having 'airs above their station' but boast about your IQ, your ability to make and save money. You need to have a long think about why you are constantly measuring yourself against people like this.

Why do you think your brother's Playstation habits or driving mishaps are part of this story at all? If your point is that he's a bad guy and you're a good guy, that's fine but it doesn't affect his claim to the farm. Believe me, I know what it's like to see a parent make allowances for a sibling who treats us all with contempt. They way I deal with it is by getting on with things. Living well is the best revenge.

I suspect the source of all this anger is your medical condition. You can't accuse a medical condition of being unfair and malicious, of ruining your life and clouding your future, so you're throwing those accusations at the people closest to you instead: your parents, your siblings and your ex-wife. You will push them away and you're going to need them. Find a counsellor to help you redirect your anger.

Big Bag of Chips · 17-03-2025 09:18AM

So did your ex wife's unemployed nephew steal the money to buy a car? Or your unemployed brother steal it to buy a van? Or do you think they were all in on it together?

Whatever happened the money it was foolish to keep such a large amount of cash. Did you report it stolen? I'm not sure the guards could have done anything but it would have been recorded anyway.

(edit: sorry, on rereading it looks like you had two separate sums of cash stolen from two separate locations)

You are not entitled to anything from a parents estate. If your parents make a will they will state who they wish to receive what. If they don't make a will then the estate will (should be) divided equally between their children. Dividing equally might mean you have to sell the lot and split the proceeds. Unless you can afford to buy your siblings out. Who has invested what will not be taken into account.

Have you spoken to your parents? Is there a will made?

JIdontknow · 17-03-2025 09:50AM

This may sound harsh but if you left money lying around hidden in cash where people knew where it was or could find it in outhouses then that was not very savvy even if you had reasons, if the outhouse went on fire or got damaged etc.. It would have been easy to create a separate bank account / post office account / credit Union account / invested it to store it away. This may sound rude and it’s not my intention to kick you when you’re down but the bitterness you project will eat away at you. What is it that you actually want now that’s the real question? Do you want the farm and house? Do you just want some land? Do you want to try recoup some of the money invested in house renovations (the stolen money you’ve no proof who actually took it, just assumption so disregard that unless you’ve proof)? Do you want to bring everyone down like an episode of succession? Nobody here can really advise you only a solicitor. Some of the things you’ve said will be just treated as hearsay and not legally binding so you probably need a meeting with a solicitor or else try broker a deal with your parents that you potentially get X or Y or that the whole estate is shared equally upon their passing.

suvigirl · 17-03-2025 10:02AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123270271#Comment_123270271

Irish people seem to expect their parents to provide for them not the other way around . Or perhaps it’s just some country people that expect an inheritance

You wrote these words OP, maybe read them again. You shouldn't expect any inheritance from your parents, it's their money to do with as they wish.

I do feel that you could benefit from counselling, you seem to have a lot of anger and other issues that need dealing with. Your kids will care more about the time they spent with you, then whatever you leave them when they're dead.

notAMember · 17-03-2025 03:34PM

Are you working yourself OP? Or are you dependent on this land for income?

Your mother has health issues, dementia you say. People can live a very long time with dementia, and this living doesn't happen for free. The care needs get expensive. She could even outlive you. I can't be the only person around who knows people who outlived their spouses and all of their children.

As a parent myself, I am telling my children very clearly that what they can expect from me in terms of inheritance is their education and enough knowledge to be self sufficient. Nothing more. Every penny I've earned, and/or our house, is likely to be needed when we are old and need retirement income to survive, or medical care. To be living life expecting an inheritance that may never happen is a complete waste of mental energy.

SetOverSet · 17-03-2025 05:20PM

OP, it might be worth your while getting proper legal advice, or at the very least, speaking to FLAC about this.

There's a doctrine in Irish law known as proprietary estoppel, which can apply in cases where a landowner promises another person that they will inherit or gain certain property rights. If the other person then reasonably relies on that promise - for e.g., by spending time, effort, and money improving the property, and working the land instead of pursuing other career opportunities, etc. - the courts may intervene.

false name · 18-03-2025 02:37AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123272023#Comment_123272023

Because they told me and signed a will to that effect , of which I still have a downloaded version .

Perhaps I didn’t make myself clear . It was me who undertook , because of that , to upgrade the house and land . It was a significant cost at the time , never mind what it’s worth now .
I am relying on this to provide me an income while I can still do it , and when I can’t or don’t want to anymore , it’s up to me to sell it for MY family not theirs and provide an income .

It’s just a pity that it will be decided by a judge when it was set out and my siblings understood and accepted that decision .

JJayoo · 18-03-2025 02:50AM

When you were away living your life in America who was helping on the farm?

false name · 18-03-2025 04:33AM

No one . It was rented out to a different tenant than lately . And I was hardly “ living my life “ I went for 3 months and returned with £100 0, for new doors and windows .

That was punt not euro .

All the other work to the house and land was done by me with tools bought or rented out .
It seems to be at the exact same time I was diagnosed with a life limiting condition , all my money was given / stolen away .

I had obviously been written off . But I worked harder and saved more to go abroad for a known treatment that would stop progression , and I’d still be able to be physically active .

My siblings had talks in their ear about how I wouldn’t be able to look after my parents into the later years , as I would get progressively more disabled .

Except that money was to stop progression . They stole not only my money , but my future , all because it was an Bullshyt easy way they could talk about how well they were doing .

Hannibal_Smith · 18-03-2025 08:10AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123274303#Comment_123274303

Your parents are perfectly entitled to change their mind about who they leave their property to. It doesn't matter what copy of a will you have. If it's not the last will it tells you nothing. A will can be changed, as long as the person making it is mentally capable of doing so.

You say your siblings are only looking at the farm for themselves, but that's exactly what you're doing too. You're all looking at the property that doesn't belong to you with euro signs in your eyes.

Getting the money back for the windows you put in in the 90s is highly unlikely. Unless you have receipts and even at that, it was paid too long ago. The money that your siblings didn't even take (it was your ex wife's nephew I think?), is gone. It wasnt and isn't your siblings' or your parents' duty to compensate you for that.

Your diagnosis is awful and I am so sorry for that. But maybe if your parents have changed their mind about who to leave the farm to has nothing to do with picking favourites, but a more practical (albeit it very harsh to take) matter of leaving it to a child who can work it. Maybe instead there will be a monetary gift to all the other siblings who don't get the farm. Maybe your parents will use the farm for their own benefit to pay for their own nursing home care should they need it. It's all up in the air because your parents are still alive.

Let the anger go. You have enough on your plate with out this and without ostricising family because of something that is as much outside their control as it is outside yours. Focus on keeping yourself as well as you can.

Why me .

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