Friendship Ending After a Decade; Would Like Feedback

friendship_issue said

He's definitely very charming and engaging, as you say. Very intelligent and persuasive. I do find it appealing, to be honest. It probably didn't help that I find him physically attractive too, and would regularly compliment him (and he was very comfortable with that).

Do you fancy this man? It would partly explain your behaviour through all of this. This paragraph above struck me as being very odd and in my experience, is not how platonic friends talk to each other. What the hell was really going on here? How much of this does your partner know about?

This reads like the OP had a romantic interest in the 'friend', the 'friend' knew this, completely took advantage of it and used the OP. He may have done this to others.

'…using my real name and making my professional contact details openly available' makes it sound far more along those lines than the OP seems to be stating.

If it is something along those lines OP, perhaps you could use some of that to leverage getting your money back.

Otherwise forget and move on. This person is as much your friend as an escort you'd meet on Escort Ireland.

So he's not the same 'sexuality' as you, but he's sleeping with women on Tinder. So I take it he's straight and you are not?

So you're flying foreign men in that you've given money to that you find physically attractive, charming and compliment (which they like) but are considering this all just a platonic friendship?

Am I reading this right?

Sorry not trying to come across as harsh by the way, just the more I read this the more it sounds like we're really not getting the whole story at all.

Op seems to be male also.

My apologies for assuming you were a woman, OP but my points still stand that you've been taken for a ride.

So just stop, OP. You have chewed it over and considered the situation from every angle, now drop it, let it go, forget him. That's easier said than done, I know (I actually do know) but its over and there is nothing more to be gained from discussing it. If you want to remain friends with the fiancee do so, but not to discuss him, take your friendship in another direction, make him a taboo subject.

You should seriously consider some counselling, not to discuss that situation, other than to the extent that it has brought out your own attitudes to, and self-valuation of, yourself.

You have had loads of opinions here and they are all of a similar mindset, no-one at all has said, 'well look at it from his point of view'. You cannot get any further with it here, get on with your life, but be a bit more aware of your own worth.

Hi @friendship_issue are you a gay man? It wasn't clear from your posts whether you're male or female but it was very very clear that you fancy him. Then you mentioned your sexuality. You saw this "connection" as more than he did. He knew you fancied him and took advantage.

However he was up front about it. He told you he was coming to Dublin to sleep with women. You felt like you had bought his time and owed you something. He didn't. Not really. You did voluntarily offer to bring him on an all expenses paid trip. Now, of course any decent person would thank you but decline. He took you up on the offer but didn't know that the deal was that you were buying his time.

Having 4 major bust ups in the space of a week and a half must have been uncomfortable. He wasn't a particularly gracious house guest, but if his host kept arguing with him then I can understand why someone like him would avoid being in your company. Easy to blame you than look to his own behaviour.

Although I think you both hold some blame here.

He's clearly a very charming and very manipulative person. His relationship with his fiancée ended. He was so heartbroken he had to go to a different country and sleep on a friend's couch and then be brought to Ireland to sleep around to get over her....

And yet she's the one collecting him from the airport!!!

You need to cut all contact now. All contact. You're down a few quid but you've learned a valuable lesson. Do not contact him again. Do not contact his fiancée. What they do from this point on is not your concern. You got burned and were taken advantage of. But keep your dignity now and don't go chasing this. No good will come of it.

I don't think I said you're "mostly" responsible. But you are 100% responsible for your own actions and reactions. Yes, you were provoked, but you also had choices. You tried to control another adult and that is never going to work for you.

I think you are playing word gymnastics here to avoid the real issue. You liked him. You found him attractive. Even knowing he's not gay you probably had a little fantasy of him realising how great you are and giving you the attention you were looking for from him. Maybe not a physical relationship but definitely an intimate emotional relationship. He wasn't interested. And you're upset over that now and still looking for something from him, anything.

He's either a really really crappy friend to everyone in general, or he sensed something from you and tried to make it clear that he was not interested in anything with you. He should not have accepted your offer to come over and stay. But maybe you insisted? He still should have said no, but when he got here he made it clear that he did not want to hang out with you, and maybe give you the wrong impression, he made it clear that his interest is women and women only.

He's gone. You need to move on. It's ok to feel a bit aggrieved and to mourn the loss of the friendship you felt you had but this has definitely run it's course. There's no going back and nothing to be gained from pursuing him for answers or an apology. If anything, in his mind, you became jealous and possessive and he's not interested. Also by cutting all contact with you he can now conveniently forget the money he owes you.

You lent money to a stranger that you never met, that there tells me all I need to know,

You e mailed him today? What do expect to be the outcome of this? You need to move on this guy has treated you appallingly and you reach out again. Sorry OP but you need to let this guy go and put him behind you. I actually think it might be worth considering professional help. You seem a little obsessed with being in contact with someone who has taken complete advantage of you.