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Friendship Ending After a Decade; Would Like Feedback

124

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,047 ✭✭✭JoChervil


    But luckily with your eagerness you become a threat to him, so he might spare you…



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,776 ✭✭✭gameoverdude


    Youre your own worst enemy! Leave it. No reply, block them.

    He's not your friend. Full stop. Why are you doing this to yourself. It feels to me you want something you can't have. Think about your partner



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 45 friendship_issue


    Just a small update on this, though nothing significant - more of a curiosity, I suppose.

    The other week I had re-added him on Facebook. Nothing happened since, no communication - as I said I wouldn't communicate again. However, he didn't add me back nor did he block me - it seems he simply allowed me to "follow" him on Facebook.

    The question I'm asking myself is, why didn't he just block me straight out? After all, he had nothing to gain otherwise. He wanted to not pay me back and just forget I existed yet after I responded to him after the threat, he had every opportunity to block but didn't.

    Again, this is just something I've been wondering more than anything else. I haven't contacted him since and have no intention to.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 35,967 ✭✭✭✭o1s1n
    Master of the Universe


    Better contact him to ask. You know, just out of curiosity.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 45 friendship_issue


    I guess what I'm getting at is that, if he felt the friendship was 1,000% done with - he would have just re-blocked on Facebook and Messenger, and not allowed me the opportunity to contact.

    But he went from a complete block on both - to just allowing the opportunity to follow / communicate on Messenger.

    That step-down is what I'm curious about. Why would someone move down a level like that? Perhaps there's nothing to it and I'm overthinking, but it is something I have been wondering about.

    And to answer your question, I won't contact him to 'find out the answer'. I just wonder whether he is starting to regret the stridency of his position to begin with.



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,875 ✭✭✭mountain


    banging your head against a brick wall feels great,

    When you stop.

    You need to let this go



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,086 ✭✭✭Buddy Bubs


    Literally nothing has happened and you're already overthinking it



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,892 ✭✭✭✭Jim_Hodge


    I can't believe you're still at this. You are your own worst enemy in this. Why even check what status of block he has in you? Stop looking, stop obsessing about him and stop letting him still have this hold over you. For your own sake, let it got. Move on and move on fully.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 35,967 ✭✭✭✭o1s1n
    Master of the Universe


    Who cares? He literally threatened you with violence.

    Move on.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 45 friendship_issue


    I believe he said what he said in anger, probably justifiably - because I shouldn't have contacted his ex-fiancé. He had legitimate reasons to be angry with me.

    But do I believe that there is some way back for the friendship with him? Yes, I do.

    Unlikely, yes - but I hope it's possible.

    I don't think he's the demon painted on this thread - for all his legitimate faults and errors of judgement.



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 35,967 ✭✭✭✭o1s1n
    Master of the Universe


    I'd say this guy could literally be kicking lumps out of you on the ground and you'd still be wondering how to be friends.

    I mentioned earlier in the thread about your respecting his boundaries. He clearly doesn't like you anymore.

    Why don't you respect this? You're verging on sounding like an obsessed stalker now.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 45 friendship_issue


    I have respected it. I haven't contacted him at all.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,892 ✭✭✭✭Jim_Hodge


    No but you're still lurking in the wings. I don't know how your partner outs up with this. Get your act together and your priorities straight. Stop making excuses and stop obsessing about him.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 35,967 ✭✭✭✭o1s1n
    Master of the Universe


    You're now at the stage of stalking the facebook profile of someone who wants nothing to do with you.

    Id hardly call that respecting anything.



  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,203 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Why do you hope it's possible to get back your friendship? He has treated you appallingly. Appallingly. You are not a nice person around him. He turns you into a nasty person who says things you later regret.

    Why do you want to open yourself up to all that again?

    You scoffed at the idea of counselling earlier but you would definitely benefit from talking to someone, to work through why you allow yourself to be a doormat in certain relationships.

    All counselling is is talking. You said you don't believe in it, but it's literally discussing things that are affecting you, pretty much like you're doing here. Except the counsellor will be able to get to the root of it with you.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 45 friendship_issue


    He has treated you appallingly. Appallingly.

    What did he do to me, that I didn't force through argument? I didn't need to get up at 5am and argue with him. I could have stayed in bed, and stayed silent.

    In other words, if I just shut up and not consider matters relevant to me, how would this matter have escalated?

    As much as he is responsible for his mistakes, so too am I.



  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,203 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    If you have just shut yo and not said anything he would have continued to abuse you, probably bleed you dry of another few thousand. Use your for airfare and free accomodation so he can sleep around whenever he's depressed/horny.

    It's really troubling that you don't see anything wrong with his behaviour and keep hoping he'll come back to you and "forgive" you.

    You didn't behave well at 5am one morning. And it's ok to reflect on that. But you've also been a doormat. You clearly have strong feelings for this fella. Others have mentioned that this has the potential to cause problems in your relationship. I suspect it already has.

    Now you get to decide who is more important in your life. Your partner or this fella? If you continue to chase this fella, or obsess over him (and make no mistake, you are obsessing over him!) then your partner won't stick around. At least he shouldn't.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,587 ✭✭✭Tork


    Can you tell us why you started this thread? From what I can see, you haven't taken one scrap of the advice given to you. Do you just keep persisting with what you're doing until people get so fed up of you, they cut you out? I bet that's exactly what happened with that friendship of yours that lasted for a decade. This could be happening now with this man. I hope for everybody's sake that he is so irritated and tired of you, he won't bother with you again.

    It is frustrating that you won't even consider counselling. You badly need it. Are you afraid of having to sit in a chair and have somebody dig into why you are the way you are? It's much easier to take your time and post anonymously on boards.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 45 friendship_issue


    I'm actually really put off by these comments that there's something wrong with me for not "going to counselling".

    I'm confident that counselling is very effective for many, many people. But I don't believe it is right for me. If anything, I'm pretty sure I could convince the so-called counsellor that they agree with me. I just don't subscribe to the whole counsellor thing, I'm really sorry.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,587 ✭✭✭Tork


    I'm put off by the idea that you refuse to accept that you have a problem, and that you are unwilling to do anything about it.



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  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,307 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    And yet here you are 2 weeks later trying to add him on Facebook and trying to find the hidden meaning behind him not blocking you.

    For the sake of your own sanity you have got to let this go. In time you'll see it wasn't a healthy friendship. For now, occupy yourself with other things and move on.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 827 ✭✭✭JIdontknow


    well not one person in this thread agrees with you at this stage, so what does that say, that we are all wrong? Your behaviour is not normal, I’m sorry but you need to cop on because this obsessive behaviour isn’t normal, and then your justifying of everything.. it will just consume and continue to manifest more than it is at the moment (checking if you’re still blocked and knowing those details again is that this is an obsession and manifesting)… I think at this stage a lot of people reading this thread want to bang their head against a wall and thinking is this for real or a big wind up… we all know you will message him again, no matter how many times we say not to…



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 506 ✭✭✭DayInTheBog


    It seems to me that he has so little interest in you that he couldn't be bothered blocking you. You're basically not worth his time.

    It seems the only one invested in this relationship is you.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,776 ✭✭✭gameoverdude


    <snip: Unnecessary>

    You will contact them to say "hi, how's it going? "

    You know this. Why are you doing this to yourself? Honestly!?

    You need to look after you. If you can't, talk to a professional.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,970 ✭✭✭acequion


    Wow! This has to be a wind up and this OP cannot be for real.😯 Coming on here looking for advice and then attacking and arguing with everybody who took the time to try to help.

    Some people really are their own worst enemy and this person is clearly not interested in anything but his/her own obsessive views.

    ---------------------------------------------

    Warned: Breach of charter



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 35,967 ✭✭✭✭o1s1n
    Master of the Universe


    You're just showing your ignorance of counselling now.

    Have you heard of The Dunning Kruger effect?



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 492 ✭✭robinwing


    This is a total wind up , surprised anybody was daft enough to bite the hook

    -----------------------------------------------

    Warned: Breach of charter



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,776 ✭✭✭gameoverdude


    I hadn't before you mentioned it.

    I was going to say the selfish approach and think about previous relationships.

    I'm honestly not having a go at you op.

    You seem to be in a spiral. We have all been there, to certain a extent.

    Look after yourself.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 45 friendship_issue


    I can assure you that it isn't.

    I have multiple times accepted much of the advice and constructive criticism on this thread. Am I obliged to agree with absolutely everything? No, because I know the situation first-hand over many years in a way that writing on a forum cannot always accurately translate. I was recommended not to contact him, many times over, and I have since heeded that advice. Perhaps not at the very beginning, but to date I heeded it.

    Furthermore, there's a gigantic world of difference between what is rationally the right thing to do versus what you emotionally feel is the right thing to do. Often we do things counter to what we know is probably the logical and "right" thing to do because an emotional reaction / perspective, takes over.

    To give a parallel example; it's all very "logical" to advise an obese person to stop harming themselves by eating / continuing poor habits - which they would completely agree with - but far harder for most of those people to translate that logic into reality, immediately. Not everything is as black and white as you suggest because, if it were, there wouldn't be any personal issues to begin with.



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,350 ✭✭✭volchitsa


    Let me get this straight: you said nasty stuff at 5am in the middle of an argument, and you absolutely needed to apologise for that, but he does this over an email to someonbody else and you excuse him and say it's justifiable and legitimate?

    Can you hear yourself?

    If this is genuine (and I'm actually wondering about that) you NEED to put him out of your mind, turn the page and get on with your life. Because (again, if he's real) he's gaslighting you, and worse, you're gaslighting yourself about him.

    ”I enjoy cigars, whisky and facing down totalitarians, so am I really Winston Churchill?”



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 35,967 ✭✭✭✭o1s1n
    Master of the Universe


    So you can agree then that your thoughts and compulsions regarding this man are about as logical and healthy as an obese person eating themselves to death?

    Because that's where we are with this now. Everything is emotive and compulsive, there's no logic. You're not acting with reason.



  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,307 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    The only reason you stopped contact was because he threatened you. Not because of any heeding of advice on the thread.

    You dont have to accept any advice. You're right you are caught up in the emotions of it. But that is all the more reason to listen to a more objective take, rather than going with your emotional impulses, because the results of those actions are prolonging your issue. You can compare it to any kind of ailment you want but it's down to simple self control, which you need to master.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,396 ✭✭✭The White Wolf


    How is your partner doing these days OP?



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 45 friendship_issue


    My other half understands perfectly well that I have a tendency to obsess over things - not just people, but things generally. It's a common thread that has needled its way through quite a lot of things.

    It doesn't make it right of course, but he at least understands my perspective on matters.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,086 ✭✭✭Buddy Bubs


    You haven't heeded any of it. You added him on Facebook, that's contact. You've just compared yourself to an obese eating themselves into poor health and this is exactly what you're doing to yourself, mentally instead of physically.

    You have to figure out what's driving your compulsions here, you've denied you're in love with him but you're a gay man chasing and looking for validation from another man, if this was a straight man pursuing a women here in the same way it would be clear it was love. Or at least limerence (Google that if you don't know it) or infatuation. It would also be bordering on creepy and possibly stalking if it was a man and a woman involved here.

    There's a lot going on beneath the surface you either can't or won't see, but we've all spotted it glaringly here. Some of us have been in the situation before or at least known friends and family members that have. And it's the same, nothing new to see here at all.

    We aren't trying to hammer you, just want you to see what's really going on. You've said counselling won't work for you and id tend to agree because you have to be willing to listen. I don't know you or your partner nor anything about your relationship but for many partners, you'd be in danger of losing whatever you have obsessing over someone else like this



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,047 ✭✭✭JoChervil


    If anything, I'm pretty sure I could convince the so-called counsellor that they agree with me.

    How can you be so sure about it, if you haven't managed to convince anyone here?



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,101 ✭✭✭sporina


    at OP - just let it go… wish him well and you well (in your head and heart).. there are things in life that we may never understand - but shud be let go of none the less.. surrender, accept and let go.. and get on with your life.. its short



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 37,133 ✭✭✭✭BorneTobyWilde


    You seem obsessed with him, and jealous of him seeing other women. I can't think of anyone I know what would pay for someone to come to Ireland, then put them up, and pay their way when here. That's not normal, who does that.



  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,203 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    You know this isn't normal, right? Why do you think you have to accept that in your life? Why did you think your partner needs to accept you obsessing over things? Especially another man?

    This is not normal behaviour. It is disrupting your life. It has cost you a lot of money.

    You need to try get a handle on this. It must be exhausting for you. But also exhausting for your partner.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,101 ✭✭✭sporina


    major co dependancy issues at play here I think - but now there is only 1 person actively pursuing it



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 45 friendship_issue


    He is not well off, and is basically living month to month - or thereabouts.

    I'm in a far more fortunate position so I decided I would help out on that basis. In retrospect, I should have just offered the room and made no offer to purchase the flights. The flights to get him to Dublin were booked last minute and so cost me €440.

    On the Tuesday when I expressed concern about the way the trip was heading, I told him that I wouldn't pay for the return flight anymore (as they weren't booked by that stage). He was angry and claimed I had broken our agreement (as I did say I'd pay for flights originally). Once we discussed the matter, the next day I said I would commit to the agreement made and went ahead and booked the return flights for him (€240).



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,452 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    Genuine question OP - what are you actually getting out of this thread at this point??? You've had pretty much unanimous advice at this stage, all of which you've unilaterally decided to ignore due to your endless list of really big buts about why this isn't what it seems.

    I genuinely think the mods should just lock this. We're all just shouting into the void.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,875 ✭✭✭mountain


    OP, do yourself a big favour and drop this.
    it’s not a healthy or rewarding friendship, if it even was a friendship



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,101 ✭✭✭sporina


    OP if your totally against counselling, maybe consider a course in personal development

    Life is too short for suffering as you are - be good to yourself - but you will need to be honest with yourself too

    Best of luck in any event x



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20 daibhi574


    because it's a nonsense thread most probably to create content, payed by whoever to create content for this clowns internet site it has become. 'mods' go along nicely with this, they are no real mods anymore, bs like this would have been locked long ago when it was a real site here. but this so called 'mods' even respond now to keep this sh++ going. real people who are not just payed content creators should see this and stop posting on this site. it's pi+++ taking, you are being used!! I give it 10min AI is detecting this message and being deleted because of telling the truth to people.

    --------------------------------------

    WARNED: 1 week forum ban applied.

    There is no AI moderation on Boards.ie. The moderators have to manually action rubbish like this 😊

    Post edited by Big Bag of Chips on


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,587 ✭✭✭Tork


    You mentioned obese people in your explanation about why you won't seek help. If you were to ask a load of obese people about their weight, the vast majority of them will be able to tell you exactly why they've piled on the pounds. They also know how to lose weight again. Yet, as we are all aware, that is far easier said than done. Very few obese people manage to achieve a healthy weight on their own. The ones who manage it usually have to reach out to others for help because they've come to realise they can't do it on their own. They might like to, but they've recognised that they can't. Some succeed, some don't. The alternative is that they continue to carry this excess weight until events overtake them.

    You are the equivalent of a long-term obese person who insists that they're grand and that they'll shed seven stone without any help from anybody. Yet everybody around you knows that you don't have it in you to do it without help. The thing is, you have a long-established track record of getting this wrong. You have already told us that you had a long-term friend who was horrible to you for over a decade, yet you persisted with the friendship. Now you're hung up on this person, and history is repeating itself. Most of us have enemies who've been less awful to us than this "friend" of yours. You assured us a few pages back that you were grand and that this wouldn't happen again. Yet you've continued to try to keep contact alive with this man. Facebook is just another way of prodding at him, hoping to get the reaction you crave.

    Did you start the thread hoping that somebody would come along and assure you that the friendship isn't over? That's what it looks like to me. You certainly aren't showing any desire to change the way you are or to accept that you got this horribly wrong.

    Post edited by Tork on


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 45 friendship_issue


    I haven't ignored "all" the advice. I have many times said where I fell short and agreed with most of the criticism levelled against my decisions at the time. Did I react irrationally by over-contacting him after I had been blocked? Yes, but at that time I was still very bruised by the experience and it still felt very raw. Similarly, I'm still a little stressed out about the whole situation, even now, but not as bad as a few weeks ago.

    Second, I am not forcing anyone to respond to this thread. If some people don't like the thread or my contributions to it, they don't need to enter and reply.

    Third, I have many times now heard the response that this is a "fake" story. I'm getting a bit fed up reading that, to the point now where I am more than happy to send screenshots of the various emails and correspondence with this former friend to a moderator to verify the validity of this issue.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 37,133 ✭✭✭✭BorneTobyWilde


    What does your husband, BF, partner think of all this …



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,047 ✭✭✭JoChervil


    OP, maybe your story is not fake and you are not a WUM, but you want the same reaction from participants. You want piss people off with your actions. People do so when they can't create positive connections, so they at least want a strong negative reaction to feel that they matter. So you badly need counselling… I feel sorry for you and I am no longer going to feed your hunger for an abuse…

    ------------------------------------------

    Warning: Breach of Charter. This is your second warning in this thread. Do not post again.

    Post edited by Big Bag of Chips on


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 894 ✭✭✭mykrodot


    its unusual for a thread to be unanimous in its advice and response. Usually its a mix. Not so here.

    All had gone quiet, everyone had said their bit yet suddenly on 8 Dec OP decided to update us all on his renewed efforts to keep some form of communication going with Faroe Islands Man.

    Like another poster said I would imagine Faroe Islands Man isn't even bothered what level of blocking he has, he is just done, finished, out. As Big Bag of Chips also said I can't imagine how exhausting this level of obsession is, for both OP and indeed Faroe Islands Man. It is indeed stalking and harassment and if a man was doing that with me as a woman, I would be taking the matter further.

    I do agree with people who have taken the time to reply and advise that OP is getting some kind of kick from keeping this going. If 100% of posters agree we cannot help OP then what is the point of the thread, OP does not want to be helped.

    If OP is looking for advice or feedback and is only getting negative feedback , what is he doing here? Surely a session of counselling would be far more helpful, especially as OP feels he can get the counsellor to agree with him!

    -------------------------------------

    Warned: breach of charter. Post falls short of the standard expected in this forum.

    Post edited by Big Bag of Chips on


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