New boyfriend earns substantially more than me and I can't keep up with him

the counting of drinks paid for seems off.

He will still plan things and just expect me to be able to go, if I dont have money he offers to lend it to me.. Im not sure what I should do.

No OP, no, no, no. There is something way off here. Not everyone earns the same. 50/50 splitting of bills is not unusual. Its okay that he wants to do nice things if hes earned the money etc. But it cant continue leaving you feeling indebted to him or even worse short of cash. You've spoken to him about it and not only does he not listen, but he arranges things knowing the 50/50 split he wants puts you in a difficult situation and then suggests lending you the money? Absolutely no way Jose! It would be different if you were suggesting these things and expecting him to foot the bill or meet the difference but you're not.

If you want to try further and work this out. Next time he books/arranges something that you can't afford don't go. Other than that, I'd let it go. You can't go round feeling indebted to someone.

When I met my wife I was working and she just finished university. When we went out initially it was always for a few drinks or a dinner.

When drinks I always got the first round so tended to pay more of the evening. When we went out to eat I paid for the food and her the drinks. It meant she contributed to the bill but not too much.

We went away once or twice but it was my suggestion so I footed the hotel bills. It was only fair since I was the one who suggested going away .

I didn't need it pointed out to me that since I was earning I could afford more. Mainly due to me not being an idiot.

If you have said to your boyfriend that you cannot afford to do something but he does it anyway then money is not the issue. Your boyfriend ignoring your wishes and putting your under pressure is a far bigger problem. He will not change and you are better off without him.

When I started seeing my partner he would have been on a bit more than I was. At the beginnning we kinda operated on a "whoever asked or suggested the night out/restaurant/date" paid. It worked. So if I said "hey lets go out to x restaurant", I'd pick up the bill, if he suggested cinema, he did. It worked well as it allowed each of us to plan dates that we could afford. When we were together a bit longer, we did split things 50:50 but we were on a more even salary scale at that point.

Over the years, as salaries change, we've reassessed how much we put into our household based on that. Sometimes it was me earning a bit more, other times it was him. We still randomly treat each other.

I think for me, if you've tried talking to him about the fact that you can't afford to keep going 50:50 on dates & doing expensive ones & he's not taking that into account, that's the red flag.

I'm not sure that matters much - her life is her life - she only has so much disposable income and it's being stretched beyond reasonable by his dating lifestyle.

People meet, their circumstances are as they are at that point in time - it's his complete lack of willingness to even realise or consider that, is the problem.

There's no simple fix for meanness and selfishness , when it's ingrained in people it's there for life

if he does indeed have autism, like most things with the disorder, this behavior is primarily anxiety based, and the strong belief in social fairness, but the failure to understand, we re not all starting from the same point, and in this case its the same point of income, and in relationships, that sometimes means pooling incomes, in order to achieve equal goals

Sounds like he's not that sure of the relationship yet, and doesn't want to, in his mind, "waste" money on it.

I'd run a mile if I was you seeing as you've already discussed it with him and it hasn't changed, this behaviour won't change and you can bet if the roles ever reversed he'd resent it.

That's my 2 cents, now pay up...

I'm all for a fair share between a couple when it comes to cost of things - but a fair share doesn't mean 50/50. It also doesn't mean an exact ratio based on your income either, there is always give and take.

In this instance though it sounds like the boyfriend either is oblivious or doesn't care about your circumstances OP. I can totally see how somebody who has the money would assume others do too when it comes to affording nights out, takeaways, and so on. But the big red flags to me are offering to lend you money for these sorts of activities and also keeping tabs on how many drinks you owe him.

If it was me I'd have a serious conversation with him about this. If he's defensive or disagrees with you or doesn't want to change behaviour, I'd be walking. But a serious conversation could also be the kick he needs to sort himself out and grow up a bit.

Good luck!

..intense watching and tracking could also be seen as hyper focusing and vigilance, all common with autism, but are very toxic behaviors in a relationship….

yup. I thought of some kind of spectrum disorder when reading the posts. Either that or just a bit of an odd-ball