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New boyfriend earns substantially more than me and I can't keep up with him

  • 30-10-2024 9:50pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 136 ✭✭


    He is very much a split everything down the middle person, and I am too, except I earn 25k a year, and he's on more than double what I earn. Im also very aware how women can look like scroungers to men when they dont pay half, I always pay my share and if we go on a night out and he's bought me more drinks than ive bought him he'll let me know and I always make it up. He knows how much I earn and he knows I have allot more expenses than him, despite this I feel like he doesnt take into consideration my low income and just expects me to be able to go on nights out, get takeaways, holidays ect.. Ive tried to communicate with him but it doesnt make a difference. He will still plan things and just expect me to be able to go, if I dont have money he offers to lend it to me.. Im not sure what I should do.



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Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,346 ✭✭✭TheW1zard


    Dump him



  • Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 10,444 Mod ✭✭✭✭xzanti


    How long are you seeing each other?

    I understand the 50/50 thing at the beginning of a relationship tbh. But I think after a period of an 'official' partnership there should be some allowances made for a difference in income.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,718 ✭✭✭weisses




  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 56,889 ✭✭✭✭walshb


    He sounds like he completely lacks any thought or consideration.. lack of kindness on his part with what you’re explaining



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,496 ✭✭✭Suckler


     if we go on a night out and he's bought me more drinks than ive bought him he'll let me know and I always make it up. 

    Red flag. Run. Future you will thank you.



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,863 ✭✭✭suvigirl


    If he has bought more drinks then you, he will let you know?

    Like ask you for the money? If he's this mean at the beginning of the relationship, it doesn't bode well. He knows you earn 50% less then go and he can't even but you one drink?

    Wouldnt be for me.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 126 ✭✭watchclocker


    Where's the romance in that? Sounds crap



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 661 ✭✭✭Sonic the Shaghog


    Two things here.

    The fact you've already brought it up and he ignores it and keeps on booking things is a red flag. If you want to be with someone there's plenty you can do that's not expensive.

    The second for me is the fact he makes a point to mention if he's bought you more drinks than youve him and you have to even things up.

    He's at best a clueless dope regardless of his good job. At worst he's a knob end.

    I really wouldn't like to be moving in or marrying this fella if this is how it is now.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,205 ✭✭✭Musicrules


    Dump him like a hot snot.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 531 ✭✭✭ledwithhedwith


    is he autistic?



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  • Registered Users Posts: 249 ✭✭hello2020


    so he is someone to split down the middle person !! what is his thoughts about wife going on maternity leave or losing job or career growth due to pregnancy or sickness .

    will he take care of his partner in that event?



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,337 ✭✭✭SCOOP 64


    Well I think you have your Answer.



  • Moderators, Regional Midwest Moderators Posts: 11,174 Mod ✭✭✭✭MarkR




  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,386 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    Title says New Boyfriend.

    Sorry Op, this isn't going to work. Fair play, you sound like a principled and independent woman willing to pay your way but he's out of your lifestyle league. Let him off, he sounds like a bit of a bellend to be honest.

    To thine own self be true



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,882 ✭✭✭✭Idbatterim


    Well what do you guys reckon a fair split is ? He isn't a walking bank account. Guys with self esteem, don't want to think of themselves as only buying your attention. Probably 60/40 or 70/30 split acceptable in this case is acceptable IMO. Also of it were the other way around, no doubt the man would be accused of being lazy or a waster... Women can spend depraved amounts when they are on tiny incomes , on nails , waxing etc... so can't really go further without more info, which there is no point in asking.... but at least you're not going out with a simp, where the line should be drawn, is debatable...

    Just read the op again and the sub totalling the drinks and letting you know the balance, is in bad taste imo. Is he good in the other ways that matter?



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,074 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    There is literally nothing - nothing - in the OP's post that indicates she sees him as a walking bank account. Where did you even begin to pull that out of???

    When one partner in a relationship out-earns the other to such a large degree, I think it's really important to look at the split in terms of proportionality rather than a pure 50/50 split, particularly if it's the higher earner who's making the decisions about where to go, how often etc. based on what they earn.

    I'm a woman and I am fiercely paranoid about paying my own way, to the point where I've definitely taken on more than my fair share in relationships, despite being the far lower earner at times. Every couple is different, and the "breadwinner" (I hate that term) role will change places over the years, in most cases. If someone is bean-counting to the degree this guy seems to be already, that's generally not a good sign. Meanness is a horrible trait, and in pretty much every case I've ever come across, it has nothing to do with how much or how little money a person has, it's just an innate character flaw.

    OP, I can pretty much guarantee that if you stay with this guy and the roles ever reverse, he'll still be mentally listing what he paid for and how much you "owe" him. I'd cut my losses now, tbh.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,788 ✭✭✭SineadSpears


    OP your boyfriend earns good money and understandably will want to do those things, and like any other relationship, he will want to do the things he enjoys with his partner by his side.

    It's a new relationship so there are bound to be plenty of date nights and plans made.

    Him offering to lend you money to keep up with those plans isn't exactly helping when you've explained that you are not in a position to date like that (Doesn't make sense either - you pay him back and you're down money on your next payday. That same payday which will most likely follow with more plans).

    You've said it's already making you feel under pressure and I'd imagine uncomfortable in the relationship.

    Maybe it simply isn't the right relationship for both of you (This doesn't make you worth any less than him either!)

    If you do decide to part ways, it doesn't need to be a terrible sad breakup. Maybe it's best to let him spread his wings and find someone who is able to live life as he does. And you too can look for someone that maybe prefers long walks, cosy nights in and the odd weekend away, etc. There's nothing wrong with that way of dating either..



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,097 ✭✭✭Quantum Erasure




  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 35,432 ✭✭✭✭o1s1n
    Master of the Universe


    Earnings and all that aside, anyone who points out that they might have bought more drinks than the other person on a night out and expects the difference to be made up is a stingy fook.

    Seeing that type of behaviour early on in a relationship I can only imagine how much worse it could get.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,913 ✭✭✭✭Geuze


    I am a man.

    While I understand that no man wants to feel like he is an ATM, the final four words of this sentence worry me:

    "I always pay my share and if we go on a night out and he's bought me more drinks than ive bought him he'll let me know"

    I have not had many girlfriends over the years, but if I was keen on a woman, I would not be counting drinks like this.



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,103 ✭✭✭kirving


    Edited - picked an incorrect figure.

    There are way too many factors missing to say if this is being fair or not - the key one being: How new is "new"?

    For the sake of argument only - double salary doesn't mean double take home pay.

    On the PWC Income tax calculator (with no deductions), €25k salary gives €1,869 €2,576pm. €55k salary gives €3,453pm. €967 €1,584pm difference, which is a decent chunk for sure, but it's 37% more, not 100% more take home.

    You do say you have higher expenses, but are they "necessary" in his eyes, or discretionary?

    What I mean by that is, some guys will see €300 in the hairdresser as and outrageous luxury (if they even realise it's that expensive) while societal pressure has meant that many women see it as absolutely necessary.

    How much is he saving for the future? How much into his pension? What does his car loan really cost? Is he helping out parents with money? These are all big if's, but again, you do say "new" boyfriend so I'm not sure a financial audit is the best idea right now, but in any case that €967 gets eaten up quickly, and unnoticeably by one or two of the above and a bit of lifestyle creep.


    Lastly, some guys just have a thing about drinks. Buying a girl a drink is the colloquial move for a guy to do in a bar, and some (not all) women take advantage of guys' good nature to get a free drink and walk away. It may have happened to him in the past and he just sees it as a glaring example of being taken advantage of that he can't shake, so has become petty about it. I mean he need to get over that, and I don't agree with it, just a possible explanation.


    Post edited by kirving on


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,033 ✭✭✭JoChervil


    @kirving you really need to learn math

    25k salary gives 1,869, not 2,576

    Anyway, OP this situation makes you feel uncomfortable. You tried to address it but he doesn't care. It's an easy choice.

    Post edited by JoChervil on


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,056 ✭✭✭3DataModem


    "if we go on a night out and he's bought me more drinks than ive bought him he'll let me know and I always make it up."
    - wow dating sure has changed.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,103 ✭✭✭kirving


    Apologies, you're correct. I read the wrong figure.

    Nevertheless, there are still other factors which may reduce the BF's disposable income significantly.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,280 ✭✭✭893bet


    does he plan all the dates? Why not plan some cheap ones? Walks in the park with a coffee, feeding ducks at the river etc.

    An honest conversation is need along the lines of “I don’t expect you to pay for me, but realise I can’t go out that often spending”



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 26,860 ✭✭✭✭Peregrinus


    It doesn't really matter how much more the BF earns than the GF. The point is that, whether because he earns more or for other reasons, he likes to spend more on socialising, entertainment, etc than she does. In other words, we've got a mismatch here between their lifestyle preferences.

    There are three ways to address this:

    • They can socialise, etc, in his preferred style, with him covering the additional cost for her.
    • They can socialise, etc, in his preferred style, with her upping her spending to cover her share of that style
    • They can socialise in her preferred style. He can either bank the money saved, or spend it on himself in some other way.

    His preferred solution, obviously, is the second one. But that's unfair; she has to pay more than she wants in order for him to have the socialising experience that he wants.

    They need to have a conversation about this. It doesn't have to start out with "you earn more than me", which can look either like resentment or like an appeal for charity. A better starting point would be "you like to spend more on socialising and entertainment than I'm comfortable with spending".

    Both spending choices are valid; nobody needs to be defensive. This is a variant on an issue that often arises in the early stages of a relationship — the two people concerned have different tastes or preferences; how is this to be reconciled? The conversation has to be about finding a compromise — it might be finding cheaper socialising/entertainment options that they both enjoy; it might be going out socialising a bit less often; it might be him covering her costs in relation to something that he particularly wants to do and she doesn't; it might be some combination of these things.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 661 ✭✭✭Sonic the Shaghog


    Lads common, read the OP. She's tried talking to him about it and he's just ignored it



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,068 ✭✭✭tabby aspreme


    Does he work in, Account's



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 26,860 ✭✭✭✭Peregrinus


    Well, she says "I've tried to communicate with him", but that can mean a lot of things. For some people, that means something like "I've dropped hints" or "A couple of times I have mentioned particular instances of this problem"; for others it means "I sat him down and said 'Look, we need to talk about something. We have a problem that is going to keep cropping up, and we need to work out how to deal with it.'"

    It's the second kind of conversation the OP needs to have with her boyfriend.



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,444 ✭✭✭Former Former Former


    No point discussing it with him, this is something that's hard-wired into him, he can't change this any more than he can change the colour of his eyes.

    Move on.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 531 ✭✭✭ledwithhedwith




  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,598 ✭✭✭pgj2015


    Sean are you ok? seems like you are in a different world. "ah remember that night out we had on 7th of July, I bought you 1 more drink than you bought me and you got a coke with the vodka so you still owe me 10.27 and you havent given it back to me yet, its just been on my mind ever since". 🤦‍♂️

    how pathetic of him, and he will get way worse if you marry him.



  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,202 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    He will still plan things and just expect me to be able to go, if I dont have money he offers to lend it to me.. Im not sure what I should do.

    No OP, no, no, no. There is something way off here. Not everyone earns the same. 50/50 splitting of bills is not unusual. Its okay that he wants to do nice things if hes earned the money etc. But it cant continue leaving you feeling indebted to him or even worse short of cash. You've spoken to him about it and not only does he not listen, but he arranges things knowing the 50/50 split he wants puts you in a difficult situation and then suggests lending you the money? Absolutely no way Jose! It would be different if you were suggesting these things and expecting him to foot the bill or meet the difference but you're not.

    If you want to try further and work this out. Next time he books/arranges something that you can't afford don't go. Other than that, I'd let it go. You can't go round feeling indebted to someone.



  • Administrators Posts: 14,728 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Next time he suggests something just tell him you can't afford to go out. If he tells you he'll loan you the money, reiterate that you can't afford to go out, and you're not prepared to get into debt for a date. Loaned money still needs to be repaid, and if you can't afford it this week, there will be something else you can't afford next week when you have to pay him back.

    If he's a nice, but slightly clueless, fella he'll understand and drop his expectations of dates in restaurants and expensive nights out. If he pushes it you might just have to finish with him and tell him he needs to find someone else who closer matches his salary.

    I think often people assume everyone is similar to them. So he hasn't really thought about how much you earn, or your monthly expenses. He just knows how much money he has and thinks everyone around him is similar. Maybe he's not being deliberately mean. He just hasn't thought it through. We can all be a bit guilty of that. If you have been going along on dates, and you have been "accepting" loans, then he's not to know it's a very real problem for you. Tell him. His reaction to that will then decide whether or not this relationship has any future.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,826 ✭✭✭irelandrover


    When I met my wife I was working and she just finished university. When we went out initially it was always for a few drinks or a dinner.

    When drinks I always got the first round so tended to pay more of the evening. When we went out to eat I paid for the food and her the drinks. It meant she contributed to the bill but not too much.

    We went away once or twice but it was my suggestion so I footed the hotel bills. It was only fair since I was the one who suggested going away .

    I didn't need it pointed out to me that since I was earning I could afford more. Mainly due to me not being an idiot.

    If you have said to your boyfriend that you cannot afford to do something but he does it anyway then money is not the issue. Your boyfriend ignoring your wishes and putting your under pressure is a far bigger problem. He will not change and you are better off without him.



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,102 ✭✭✭bcklschaps


    Right here we have an example of what happens when people from different earning demographics hook up. It's tricky.

    In 2024 it's not acceptable to be sponging off anybody....soo OP you either up your game and match his income or go back to dating poor boys.

    _____________________________________

    Warned: below the standard of posting expected in this forum



  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Regional East Moderators, Regional North West Moderators Posts: 12,435 Mod ✭✭✭✭miamee


    I agree with a lot of previous posters. You can date to suit your budget or not at all.

    It's unfair of him to expect you to borrow money for a simple date when a different, less expensive date could be done. I don't know how new the relationship is and if he is really aware of your financial situation but if you really like him aside from the financial issues, lay it all out for him and explain that you can't afford the big drink nights or the fancy dinners and that you would rather plan less expensive dates that you can both afford. His reply to that will tell you everything you need to know. There is nothing wrong with splitting things 50/50 so long as you have agreed in advance where you are going, e.g. you have already chosen a restaurant you can both afford. And he doesn't go crazy ordering the dearest thing on the menu and then expects 50/50 when the bill comes :)



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,701 ✭✭✭notAMember


    Your boyfriend certainly has an expectation problem. He wants your time , energy, love, fun, holiday companion, show up looking good etc, and doesn't seem to twig that this takes money that you don't have, to fund that level of lifestyle demand.

    Differences in approaches to money is the top reason couples break up. You need a serious, sit down conversation about this, making sure he understands your financial values and how you spend.

    And holy moly op, how can you even survive on that wage? I mean, you've your head screwed on by realising you shouldn't get into a heap of debt for entertainment, which will serve you well long term. But as well as your relationship problem, you need to solve your income problem somehow too.



  • Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 25,408 Mod ✭✭✭✭CramCycle


    If he is totting up the drinks totals in his head and letting you know, then it is time to leave. I have never kept the totals in my head for friends or girlfriends when on a night out. I earned more than my friends when we left home first, I just never thought about it. They all caught up with me, it is never mentioned as that's the point of disposable income.

    When I first met my wife, she earned considerably more than me, we always went to split down the middle but I am pretty sure a lot of stuff on nights out was probably more weighted to her. Years later when I earned more, I contributed more. She certainly paid a few restaurant bills by paying on her way to the bathroom to save the discussion.

    Long story short, if someone who is substantially wealthier than you is totting up your ledger over social drinks, no matter the relationship, it is time to leave, nothing to indicate she is a scrounge, just that he is either a scrounge or wildly insensitive.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,882 ✭✭✭✭Idbatterim


    Going out for drinks for the night, with what they cost these days, is such a waste of money, e15 a cocktail etc... I don't know how pubs ate so busy with young people, they earn nothing and can seemingly afford to pay this



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,632 ✭✭✭Shoog


    This is an extremely bad foundation for a long term relationship. This will remain the dynamic even if you get married and will be a constant source of arguments and resentment. Don't set yourself up for pain later - find someone who's a better fit for the life you have.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 29,743 ✭✭✭✭HeidiHeidi


    The money stuff can be worked out (probably/possibly) - it's the utter lack of awareness/consideration/empathy that would concern me about this.

    Having had it pointed out to him, however obliquely, that you simply can't afford that sort of dating lifestyle, that he blithely carries on and insists on squaring up on everything (to the point of offering loans, and counting rounds of drinks - the absolute selfishness of that!) would be a huge red flag for me.

    It's not a money problem, it's a mindset problem for me - and that's a very hard thing to change.

    If you're mad about him, try a serious sit-down Actual Conversation about it - it's an absolute buzz-killer that might have unintended consequences - but I think the consequences of carrying on as you describe it now are not great anyhow.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,240 ✭✭✭witchgirl26


    When I started seeing my partner he would have been on a bit more than I was. At the beginnning we kinda operated on a "whoever asked or suggested the night out/restaurant/date" paid. It worked. So if I said "hey lets go out to x restaurant", I'd pick up the bill, if he suggested cinema, he did. It worked well as it allowed each of us to plan dates that we could afford. When we were together a bit longer, we did split things 50:50 but we were on a more even salary scale at that point.

    Over the years, as salaries change, we've reassessed how much we put into our household based on that. Sometimes it was me earning a bit more, other times it was him. We still randomly treat each other.

    I think for me, if you've tried talking to him about the fact that you can't afford to keep going 50:50 on dates & doing expensive ones & he's not taking that into account, that's the red flag.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 63 ✭✭Novfith


    What you say could well be true but we only hear one side of the story.

    You say you earn less and have a lot more expenses than him. What are your expenses that he doesn't have?



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 29,743 ✭✭✭✭HeidiHeidi


    I'm not sure that matters much - her life is her life - she only has so much disposable income and it's being stretched beyond reasonable by his dating lifestyle.

    People meet, their circumstances are as they are at that point in time - it's his complete lack of willingness to even realise or consider that, is the problem.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,390 ✭✭✭easygoing39


    What will he be like if you get married and have to stop working because of raising children?? Will he give you €50 a week and think the children's allowance will cover the rest of the household bills?? Dump him now.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 63 ✭✭Novfith


    It kind of does matter because if he has lots of bills and his disposable income is not that much more then the complaint isn't really founded.

    I think this is a simple fix anyways. When he suggests going out, OP can just say no she can't afford it. He either says he'll pay or there is unhappiness and they'll break up.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 30,254 ✭✭✭✭Wanderer78


    like many things with the disorder, we believe in a fair and just world, but fail to see bigger pictures, there actually is a good chance he has autism and is failing to see what hes actually doing is undermining the whole relationship. tough one op, but hes not getting the big picture at all, you ve some deep thinking to do, maybe explain to him you need a break from the relationship, and see what happens, or maybe just move on, best of luck



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,068 ✭✭✭tabby aspreme


    There's no simple fix for meanness and selfishness , when it's ingrained in people it's there for life



  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Regional East Moderators, Regional North West Moderators Posts: 12,435 Mod ✭✭✭✭miamee


    If his disposable income was not that much more than hers, they would be more evenly matched as far as affording dates goes.



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