Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi there,
There is an issue with role permissions that is being worked on at the moment.
If you are having trouble with access or permissions on regional forums please post here to get access: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058365403/you-do-not-have-permission-for-that#latest

New boyfriend earns substantially more than me and I can't keep up with him

2»

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 30,702 ✭✭✭✭Wanderer78


    if he does indeed have autism, like most things with the disorder, this behavior is primarily anxiety based, and the strong belief in social fairness, but the failure to understand, we re not all starting from the same point, and in this case its the same point of income, and in relationships, that sometimes means pooling incomes, in order to achieve equal goals



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 150 ✭✭Novfith


    Or they differ in how much they save and allow as disposable income.

    Doesn't sound like OP is getting into debt or anything.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 315 ✭✭Hank the DJ


    Sounds like he's not that sure of the relationship yet, and doesn't want to, in his mind, "waste" money on it.

    I'd run a mile if I was you seeing as you've already discussed it with him and it hasn't changed, this behaviour won't change and you can bet if the roles ever reversed he'd resent it.

    That's my 2 cents, now pay up...



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,067 ✭✭✭I see sheep


    "if he's bought me more drinks than i've bought him he'll let me know"

    🤣🤣🤣

    Wtf. He sounds like an absolute psychopath. Run a mile.

    "a terrible war imposed by the provisional IRA"

    Our West Brit Taoiseach



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,759 ✭✭✭✭dulpit


    I'm all for a fair share between a couple when it comes to cost of things - but a fair share doesn't mean 50/50. It also doesn't mean an exact ratio based on your income either, there is always give and take.

    In this instance though it sounds like the boyfriend either is oblivious or doesn't care about your circumstances OP. I can totally see how somebody who has the money would assume others do too when it comes to affording nights out, takeaways, and so on. But the big red flags to me are offering to lend you money for these sorts of activities and also keeping tabs on how many drinks you owe him.

    If it was me I'd have a serious conversation with him about this. If he's defensive or disagrees with you or doesn't want to change behaviour, I'd be walking. But a serious conversation could also be the kick he needs to sort himself out and grow up a bit.

    Good luck!



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 58,011 ✭✭✭✭walshb


    This is it. It’s more his attention to detail around it. It’s like an intense watching and tracking. Weird behaviour. As if he’s trying to make sure he doesn’t get “ripped off” in a relationship.. bizarre.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 30,702 ✭✭✭✭Wanderer78


    ..intense watching and tracking could also be seen as hyper focusing and vigilance, all common with autism, but are very toxic behaviors in a relationship….



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,196 ✭✭✭✭Donald Trump


    Comparing bare numbers is essentially meaningless. Everyone will have a minimum of fixed expenses. Those might not vary much between people.

    So while a person taking home 2k a month might only have 100 quid of discretionary income to play around with after the fixed expenses are paid, a person taking home 3k a month might have 800 quid to play around with.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 58,011 ✭✭✭✭walshb


    yup. I thought of some kind of spectrum disorder when reading the posts. Either that or just a bit of an odd-ball



  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,151 ✭✭✭BQQ


    next time he suggests going out,
    Tell him you can’t afford it

    If he offers to lend you the money, say you won’t be able to afford it later either

    If he cares about you, he will offer to pay for you or stay in with you

    If he goes out and leaves you home, the people saying red flag are 100% right



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 30,702 ✭✭✭✭Wanderer78


    ah shur we are odd balls either way, but he better pull his socks up, or this woman is outta here, and rightfully so….



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 137 ✭✭Teapot30


    Thank you everyone.

    He's not an odd ball, a psychopath or autistic. My expenses include my car (insurance, tax, nct, petrol) and yes I need my car for work. Other expenses are pet medication, bills, my own medication. I have no savings because I spent them on a masters degree. No im not spending 300 euro on my hair! Infact I cut my own hair last week as I hadnt been to a hairdresser in months, when I do go for a trim it costs me no more than 50 euro. He doesnt have a car, lives with his parents (as do I). My wages will go up, im on the first year of a pay scale and im looking for a second job to supplement my wages. Ive had less time with my friends as I havnt had the financial means to drive to them, go for drinks or lunch ect as my money is being used to either pay him back, pay back money to my parents that ive borrowed to go out with him or to cover dates.

    I will talk to him but I think the most important thing is that I reflect on my own boundaries around money, spending and trying to meet his expectations. I'll be saying no, more often from now on.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,358 ✭✭✭deirdremf


    ….



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,278 ✭✭✭Princess Calla


    Where are you going on dates that you've had to borrow money off your parents etc to be able to go out?

    I've always paid my way but never needed to borrow money to go out even in my student days.

    Personally I wouldn't be able to put up with the level of money watching that's going on here.

    This is the start of a relationship where you're trying to put "your best self" forward....if this is his best self??

    Where does it end......he has shown you who he is....so are you going to end up in debt just to be his girlfriend?

    Meanness just isn't an attractive trait. Plus don't be putting him before your friends....I suspect your friends will be around longer than he is



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,358 ✭✭✭deirdremf


    pay back money to my parents that ive borrowed to go out with him or to cover dates

    This sounds like madness to me, you are borrowing money to go out with this person?

    You have a car, he doesn't - do you ever pick him up? If so, work out the costs of each km you drive him (petrol, insurance, road tax, upkeep, depreciation etc), and ask him for the money back. His reaction will tell you a lot.



  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,067 ✭✭✭I see sheep


    "a terrible war imposed by the provisional IRA"

    Our West Brit Taoiseach



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 169 ✭✭Wezz


    You're update is equally as concerning as your first post! Who is insisting you pay him back, him or you? Unless someone specifically gives me a loan then I am going to assume any drinks bought in the course of a night out are on them. Who is making the calculations for this amount you owe? Is this to be the pattern of your relationship going forward?

    Why do dates have to be things that involve spending money? What is wrong with having a night in front of the tv or going for a walk? Live within your means.

    I'm sorry OP but I agree with the others here who say get the hell out.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 98 ✭✭reactadabtc




  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,915 ✭✭✭pgj2015


    The first reply says dump him, 76 people and counting agree with that reply. I think that is telling. I have gone on dates and spent money on them and on friends who hadn't money at the time, I couldn't care less about that money, its gone and forgotten, its not normal to be keeping score like your boyfriend is.

    This guy isn't a keeper.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,198 ✭✭✭kirving


    Yeah, I had had asked for the further detail previously to help set the scene a bit better. As an example, at one point, I was earning around €15k more than my GF, but all of that was going into running a car, so I had zero extra disposable income.

    €4000 payments + €2500 fuel + €636 tax + €500 maintenance + €700 insurance: €8,336 per year from my net income.

    Your expenses do seem to be genuinely higher than his though.

    It was between two friends, one working and one in college, not a couple, but I've seen situations where one of my friends offered to "loan" money to another so that they could come on nights out on a regular enough basis.

    Friend A offered a "loan", so that Friend B (getting the money) didn't feel like they were getting a handout or were being a burden.

    They key point was that Friend A never actually expected the money back, they used the word "loan" with the best of intentions trying to protect B's feelings, while allowing them to come along.

    Is he pressuring you to pay it back, or are you putting that pressure on yourself? Is this for drinks only, or spending in general?

    What I mean is - does he have a bit of a complex around buying drinks specifically, but for general expenses around dates/going out, is he offering a "loan" with the intention to keep you from feeling like a burden?




  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,425 ✭✭✭✭Idbatterim


    A few things op, it would be interesting to know what age you are. Best option is to simply target high paying jobs.... the cost of not doing that these days, is a financial straight jacket. Well it certainly is, if you want kids or to love in a decent area of one of our bigger " towns" or dublin.

    How much does a bottle of prosecco and picnic cost ... virtually nothing, its intimate and a change from being robbed in pubs...



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,503 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    Good God. He's a "new" boyfriend and you're already paying him back money. And it's not even money you asked him for in an emergency. It's to pay him back to go on dates with him!

    There are so many questions I could ask but my response would be the same- walk away, better still- run.

    To thine own self be true



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,722 ✭✭✭notAMember


    The new information changes my perspective a bit.

    With a master’s degree you are highly educated and have started on a pay scale. I’m assuming either civil service or vocational like teacher or nursing. Super secure jobs, very important for society and have benefits long term when raising a family. But you’re capped in income, you’ll do ok but won’t be loaded.

    Pragmatically, women in careers like this do better with a higher earning partner long term. It’s a great partnership and balance of roles.

    But a new boyfriend who also sees this might be wary of new relationship and getting “trapped” in marriage too quickly , or be trying to prove to himself or friends that you are not a freeloader.

    My advice is the same, be open and honest about your own financial means and let him know you also don’t want to freeload at this stage in a relationship, so you both need to dial down the expenses in order to continue.

    Down the road a bit, if that works (I mean him taking on board your perspective ) you can have a discussion about long term goals and how life together would work financially, if you see it going that way.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,921 ✭✭✭Sunny Disposition


    He's very tight. I'd get out quickly.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 58,011 ✭✭✭✭walshb


    Some posts are getting hung up and side-tracked on analysing earnings and expenses etc, missing the actual issue.. a boyfriend acting obsessively finicky about a few measly quid here and there. Displaying (in my view) odd and strange behaviour. What easy going down to earth normal person wonders and worries about having bought their girlfriend a few more drinks last night and making sure she knows this in order to get it back..😖



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,442 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    Oh, good God, OP! He's living at home, earning significantly more money than you with far less outlays and you are having to borrow from your parents to pay him back for your share of nights out?! He is not a decent guy. Get shot of him. These character traits will go deeper than money, mark my words.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,047 ✭✭✭JoChervil


    Yeah, a guy who…

    if we go on a night out and he's bought me more drinks than I've bought him he'll let me know

    doesn't want her to feel like a burden with his loan offer….

    Run.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,357 ✭✭✭tara73


    OP, forget all the comments trying to figure out why you could be in the wrong. I go from just your original OP, and that's enough info for me to be in line with the mostly unisono advice here to get rid of this guy, the sooner the better.

    but then, in your last post, you don't seem to even give this a thought. you just defend him and all your conclusion is to say more 'no to him', whatever this should achieve.

    you don't tell us about his good sides or traits, which I guess he must have otherwise you wouldn't be so sure to continue with him, especially as this is a relatively new relationship.

    you seem like a level headed person, but somethings not adding up here.

    anyway, I wish you all the best with this guy as I sense you are not considering breaking up with him.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,588 ✭✭✭Patrick2010


    Borrowing money from your boyfriend so you can go on dates with him????

    🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7 Melling Road


    It's very obvious what needs doing with this gent. Dump and fast.



  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,198 ✭✭✭kirving


    They also state:

    Im also very aware how women can look like scroungers to men when they dont pay half, I always pay my share

    The OP has a number of posts about money (emergency taxed for 8 months, cost of commuting) and has said that their earnings are relatively low for the moment - so is clearly (and understandably, IMO) hyper-aware about money.

    I do tend to take posts on here at face value, but given the awareness about money, and the above quote, I'm just wondering if this is self imposed pressure? Is the OP asking first, and then he "lets her know"? That would change the scenario entirely.

    In a recent enough post too, the OP mentions that their boyfriend is "attentive, kind, mature, confident and makes a huge effort with dates" so this thread is either:

    1. A contradiction to their previous statement about the same guy
    2. The same guy has drastically changed (or got sick of making effort that wasn't reciprocated due to OP's money situation and is now getting tight)
    3. A direct comparison to previous guy who was on the opposite end of the spectrum made huge effort



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,630 ✭✭✭jrosen


    I see both sides, he needs to be more understanding about your financial limits and you need to set firmer boundaries. New relationship so its not his responsibility to fund you but equally he needs to accept and understand that you are not in the same position as him.

    My husband earns considerably more than I do, always has. We worked on a whoever asked paid when we started to date first. It worked out pretty well. Every date doesnt have to cost money either so maybe a chat about doing some free stuff would be a good idea.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,127 ✭✭✭Hyperbollix


    I had a buddy like this when I was younger. He came from a long line of misers so couldn't escape it. Nice fella and a good laugh but would be counting every ha'penny you'd owe him. In my experience with people like this, money is their first consideration in everything they do and valuing friendship/relationships are a distant second. No big deal when it comes to platonic friends who only see each other occasionally and have no money issues cropping up, but it certainly is a big deal when it comes to a partner.

    Also, for a man who earns twice what his girlfriend does to carry on like this, is to me a giant red flag. He will be nothing but a drain on your soul. The money thing is probably only the tip of the iceberg.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,013 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    OP I don’t understand why you are still with him? I’m a big fan of 50/50 - but doing things both people can afford. If one person wants to do something more expensive then they should cover it or not do it - rather than insist the other person joins in and pays. Thats what’s weird about this whole situation, he sounds controlling. And you have communicated clearly?

    Borrowing money to be in a relationship is a new level - how is your self esteem? Are you happy being single as well as in a relationship? Just something to think about - because healthy relationships don’t require getting into debt to participate.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,772 ✭✭✭gameoverdude


    Autism is a scale. Please stop narrowing it down to one trait or another. It's not good. We're all somewhere on that scale.

    The ops question is about the new boyfriend. If he's autistic, who care. The question was how the poster deals with their concerns.

    Get out of dodge op. Only going to get worse and it sounds quite controlling. If you're stressed this early…it ain't going to get better.



  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,943 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx


    Mod Note - Some posts deleted.

    As per the charter: Personal Issues is an advice forum.

    Posters are required to offer advice or opinion to the OP in their replies.

    Thanks.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,199 ✭✭✭boredatwork82


    He sounds mean and unreasonable.

    The 50:50 should be a guide. If he earns double you, you should pay 1/3 of something ye do together and he should pay 2/3.

    We have a unspoken rule in my relationship where I always put in more morning to the social fund for food,drinks etc, as to be honest men tend to eat and drink more than women. So it's also not fair to be 50:50 from that point of view either .

    Also if he was any kind of a normal human he would be aware that you are not as well off as him and he would be very careful and considerate with suggesting things.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,604 ✭✭✭Claw Hammer


    The can be disposable income as in what he takes home after tax but there can be disposable income after living expense are paid. If he is living at home with his mother for free and the o/p is in a rented flat, disposable income can be very different.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,886 ✭✭✭Beta Ray Bill


    I'd be ending the relationship.

    He will be like that forever. You're wasting time. If I was out with my GF and I bought more drinks or she bought more drinks I would NEVER ask her for money, nor she would with me.

    The only way money makes you truly happy is when you spend it on people you care about.



  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,100 ✭✭✭sporina


    1. you deserve better
    2. feck him!
    3. you deserve better



Advertisement