Realising your with a narcissist who has been covertly controlling you for 20 years

I will have to answer to my children someday and I want them to know I did everything i could have done to keep my family together.

I've seen this thinking before, it is regularly brought up by narcissists who don't want their spouses to leave them. They often throw heavy scorn on anyone who has had a relationship break up, they perceive a failure if a family is not kept together.

In my opinion this is the opposite way around, in terms of what children need as an answer later in life. It takes huge bravery to see when behaviour is intolerable, and to take steps to protect children from an emotionally damaging parent. Children absolutely recognise this later in life. I know many who thank their parent for taking the steps they did. And I know other children who carry huge amounts of guilt, or even shame, when they see later how isolated and controlled their parent is in later life, because they didn't manage to get out of it when they were younger.

You're right, there is no way to get this choice 100% correct, and there is impact either way. But if thinking your children will blame you for getting away from abuse, rest assured this is really unlikely to be the case.

He will absolutely never get better. Run as fast as you can

I have dealt with few narcissists in my life and read on this subject extensively. Also you will need to heal.

Baby steps.

It is understandable you are not fully ready yet.

For any diagnosis, it needs to meet the criteria of the DSM-5 - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition (or the ICD-10)

NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder) is diagnostically defined in the DSM-5 (APA 2013; pages 669-672) as a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy, with interpersonal entitlement, exploitiveness, arrogance, and envy. Five out of nine of these criteria need to be present to meet the diagnosis of NPD.

The nine criteria are:

DSM 1: Grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievement and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);

DSM 2: Fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love;

DSM 3: Belief in being “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should be associated with, other special or high-status people (or institutions);

DSM 4: Requires excessive admiration;

DSM 5: Sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations;

DSM 6: Interpersonally exploitive, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his/her own ends;

DSM 7: Lacks empathy; is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others;

DSM 8: Envious of others or believes that others are envious of him/her;

DSM 9: Arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

It's more nuanced than above and will require a fully qualified psychologist (dclinpsy/Doctorate level) or psychiatrist to assess and diagnose

Best of luck

Interesting discussion, and lots to ponder on here.

A few points:

In the OP you describe multiple examples of controlling behaviour - you describe this as narcissism. Personally I wouldnt disagree. A number of people have an issue with using 'labels'; however if you are going to call it something, is there a better word? i dont know - regardless of the label, it is the behaviour that matters. People getting het up about what label is used, for me they are missing the point.

Someone brings up that you previously described your mother as a narcissist, I think in a questioning way. It makes sense to me that someone who grows up surrounded by a particular type of behaviour- will see that behaviour as being normal, and not realise that they are going from one controlling situation to another.

I think you seem to feel compelled to 'do something about it' - you dont have to something about it right now, or in the near future. You are in a process of working it out, and perhaps the best you can do for now is give yourself space to think about it.

You seem socially very isolated - something you should think about is how to make connections and re-establish connections with people.

The money thing is challenging, I would guess that any instance of you trying to influence a decision on how money is spent is met with major hassle. Thats tough. Whats his is his, and whats yours is his…..

You'll no doubt feel some level of guilt around your kids; however do remember that you are a loving parent and they will benefit from that.

You have a responsibility to your kids, but dont lose sight of the responsibility you have to yourself. You are entitled to enjoy life too.

If you not already seeing a therapist, then its not a bad idea. You need an outlet.

Hope you well, have a great day.