Realising your with a narcissist who has been covertly controlling you for 20 years

notAMember

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122083841#Comment_122083841

I will have to answer to my children someday and I want them to know I did everything i could have done to keep my family together.

I've seen this thinking before, it is regularly brought up by narcissists who don't want their spouses to leave them. They often throw heavy scorn on anyone who has had a relationship break up, they perceive a failure if a family is not kept together.

In my opinion this is the opposite way around, in terms of what children need as an answer later in life. It takes huge bravery to see when behaviour is intolerable, and to take steps to protect children from an emotionally damaging parent. Children absolutely recognise this later in life. I know many who thank their parent for taking the steps they did. And I know other children who carry huge amounts of guilt, or even shame, when they see later how isolated and controlled their parent is in later life, because they didn't manage to get out of it when they were younger.

You're right, there is no way to get this choice 100% correct, and there is impact either way. But if thinking your children will blame you for getting away from abuse, rest assured this is really unlikely to be the case.

Purple Mountain

OP, personally I think there are too many labels nowadays to explain or attempt to explain people's character.

Replace the term narcissist with abuser or bully and see how you feel about the situation then.

Clara B

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122091273#Comment_122091273

Yes, I agree and when speaking to him I have refrained from using the term narcissistic and used bullying and emotional abuse/manipulation instead . I identify with them more.

I put him on a pedestal, I did that. He enjoyed being there, I fed his ego and allowed him to take advantage of that. I can recognise that I was complicit. That I thought I could fix him and I sacrificed too much at that altar. I wanted to be the white knight.That's huge for me right now. After so long I can see clearly who he is. I can see clearly what its cost me. I don't know much more than that right now, so I'll keep working with my therapist to progress and find the right path.

Clara B

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122088191#Comment_122088191

Thanks for that. I appreciate it. I am just swimming in shame, doubt and anxiety. I can't deal with judgement too.

herbalplants

He will absolutely never get better. Run as fast as you can

I have dealt with few narcissists in my life and read on this subject extensively. Also you will need to heal.

Clara B

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122095801#Comment_122095801

That's what I'm hearing from every source. It's a realisation I don't know if im really ready for yet.

herbalplants

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122095818#Comment_122095818

Baby steps.

It is understandable you are not fully ready yet.

Clara B

Thanks for recognising that and not judging, you have no idea how much that means.

Alexus25

For any diagnosis, it needs to meet the criteria of the DSM-5 - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition (or the ICD-10)

NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder) is diagnostically defined in the DSM-5 (APA 2013; pages 669-672) as a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy, with interpersonal entitlement, exploitiveness, arrogance, and envy. Five out of nine of these criteria need to be present to meet the diagnosis of NPD.

The nine criteria are:

DSM 1: Grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievement and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);

DSM 2: Fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love;

DSM 3: Belief in being “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should be associated with, other special or high-status people (or institutions);

DSM 4: Requires excessive admiration;

DSM 5: Sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations;

DSM 6: Interpersonally exploitive, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his/her own ends;

DSM 7: Lacks empathy; is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others;

DSM 8: Envious of others or believes that others are envious of him/her;

DSM 9: Arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

It's more nuanced than above and will require a fully qualified psychologist (dclinpsy/Doctorate level) or psychiatrist to assess and diagnose

Best of luck

Clara B

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122095892#Comment_122095892

Thank you. Really appreciate the insight. I have been through this with my therapist and see a lot of similarities in the above with him, but neither she nor I can diagnose him-he will have to seek that out himself. She has just simply voiced her opinion on the information I have provided.

cj maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058349498/realising-your-with-a-narcissist-who-has-been-covertly-controlling-you-for-20-years

1st if you have any joint bank accounts close it and get your full bank history .

Clara B

joint account is only for domestic bills. We have separate current accounts and I manage kid's accounts.