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Should We Live Next Door to the Her Parents?

  • 29-01-2024 10:57am
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 591 ✭✭✭


    For context, my girlfriend's parents have offered us the opportunity to build our own detached house beside their own (they have an unusually large garden in Dublin). It would be detached and we'd have our own garden walled off from theirs.

    With the extreme cost of new builds and second hand homes in Dublin, financially it is a no brainer as the site would be essentially free and their is a contractor who has quoted €275k for a 3 bed with a converted attic. I also like the idea of designing our own house from scratch to our specifications.

    I get on with her parents extremely well however I do feel that I'm becoming an extension to them rather than putting down our own roots and starting our new life where we'd build a family together.

    All thoughts and experience would be greatly appreciated, thanks!

    Post edited by Hannibal_Smith on


Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 237 ✭✭Ivor_Guddon


    are you happy with the area ?

    is €275k cheaper than comparable 3 beds in the area ?

    you can always sell in the future and probably for alot more than you will be paying , so sounds like you will have a great headstart on most , i'd jump on it and if you don't like it 5 years down the line sell it and move , at least you will have some equity in it etc



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,330 ✭✭✭✭Jim_Hodge


    I've seen this type of set up work extremely well many times.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 591 ✭✭✭Gary_dunne


    Ye the area itself is fine, nice estate Ayrfield D13, good amenities close by with excellent public transport links. Far below the average 3 bed in the area for poor BER houses, new builds start at roughly €500k.

    We'd be getting the HTB grant of 30k also which would mean we'd have to be there for a minimum of 5 years before we could sell. The land would be transferred over to our names and they have said we could sell down the line if we wished to move to a different area or upgrade to larger house depending on family size.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 29,999 ✭✭✭✭Wanderer78


    sounds like a no brainer to me, and the fact you all get on, could work out very well, best of luck with it



  • Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators Posts: 10,444 Mod ✭✭✭✭Jim2007


    Oh you can't sell, not if you value your family life and want a bit of peace, only after they are dead.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 237 ✭✭danfrancisco83


    The HTB is fine I think, you pay back a percentage of the grant if you move early, sell after 2 years and you pay back 60% of 30k, sell after 3 years and pay back 40% and so on. Still a great deal (you're pretty much getting a quarter of a million for free).



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,013 ✭✭✭DoctorEdgeWild


    Sounds like an absolute dream situation! I think you've won the lotto here to be honest.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 26,745 ✭✭✭✭Peregrinus


    Financially it's a very attractive offer. Look into the tax aspects carefully as the gift to you of a 50% interest in the site will attract capital acquisitions tax - you're not related to your girlfriend's parents. But even with the tax hit it may well be a good deal financially.

    Obviously you're concerned about being too close to your girlfriend's family, but you know your girlfriend, and her family, and the relationship between them better than we do so only you can say whether that close is too close for comfort. You do have the out of being able to sell and move if the arrangement is not working out, but doing that would have to be a joint decision between you and your girlfriend, which could be a sensitive matter.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,294 ✭✭✭Deeec


    Yeah go for it - I done similar and its great from a child minding/minding elderly parents etc point of view aswell. You have to remember that you be living in the same house so you will have separation.

    The only issue I see with your plan is that there is no chance of you building a house for €275K - so dont fall for that trap. I expect the contractor will just build bare shell of a house for that.



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,951 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    I think all of this hinges on whether you both get on well with them and know them to be reasonable people - if so it’s a total no brainer! I’d only be worried if you didn’t like them because there will be no escape.



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,808 ✭✭✭✭Water John


    Live next to my son and his partner. Everything fine, except be sure to maintain personal barriers. It's only fair. If you think your in laws will operate that way, it's a no brainer. Best of luck with it.



  • Registered Users Posts: 720 ✭✭✭blackvalley


    Any tax implications with being gifted a site ?. Otherwise it sounds like a good idea . Only thing I would be wary of is the idea of selling the house in the medium term as it might cause some resentment with your relations .



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 591 ✭✭✭Gary_dunne


    Technically the land is being sold to us through a solicitor just for a nominal fee which helps to circumnavigate some tax issues.



  • Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators Posts: 10,444 Mod ✭✭✭✭Jim2007


    I lived beside my parents-in-law for over thirty years and we always got on very well. My father-in-law has been dead for over 10 years now but I still miss him - I miss the conversations we had, the beers and the coffees we shared on a summer's evening sitting on his terrace and so on... And of course my kids considered both houses to be home as they often overnighted there or had dinner there in the evening after school and so on.

    But my parents-in-law always obeyed the golden rule of never getting involved in our affairs and never criticised our parenting decisions and that is probably why it worked out so well. I know from others that is often not the case. None of us know you nor the others involved in this decision, so we can't really say what is right for you, it is something only you can decide.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,350 ✭✭✭markpb


    Pros:

    • The cheap site should make your life financially a lot easier.
    • Trying to buy a house for the same amount elsewhere pushes you a lot further from the city, from amenities, from public transport, etc.
    • If you have children later, living near your family will make your life a lot easier and potentially a lot cheaper than relying on childcare. This is even more important once they start primary school and might need minding for 2-3 hours in the afternoon or need to be brought to activities (of course, not all grandparents are willing or able to do this).

    Cons:

    • It can be very hard to separate your life from theirs. They might call over unannounced, at awkward times, they might pop in for breakfast at weekends or call over for tea and not go away after. They might feel like your kitchen is their living room.
    • It might cause resentment because your partner won't see the problem with it but you will and any attempt to talk about it could be difficult. Or you might just keep it to yourself because having a babysitter on-call means you can enjoy nights out a lot easier than a couple who don't live beside their family.
    • If you're not happy, you can't easily move elsewhere in Dublin because you of HTB and because it risks upsetting your wife or your in-laws. It might be easier to move to Australia than to Dundrum.

    I know several people who live near their in-laws and some of them definitely don't enjoy it, no matter how well they get on with them, but the convenience once you have kids makes it hard to argue with.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 591 ✭✭✭Gary_dunne


    The builder has provided a detailed quote which includes far more than just the shell, there of course will be added expenses for upgrades we decide upon. He's finishing a similar build in the same estate (how we got introduced) and that has totaled at 285k with extensive upgrades for 3 bed 98sqm with no attic conversion.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,808 ✭✭✭✭Water John


    Personal boundaries to be set at the start. Just a gentle part of the overall conversation. No dropping in unannounced either way.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,294 ✭✭✭Deeec


    Thats extremely good value for the current market - to build a small 3 bed would be costing €400K or more. I would still be very careful with someone quoting so low. Be sure to check references are genuine.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 370 ✭✭iniscealtra


    Make sure you have clear title and separate entrance if possible. To have the option to sell is very important even if it is after they are gone.

    Design the house also so that you have privacy in the garden area and to prevent overlooking. Windows etc.

    Maintain boundaries. Really important. Other poster is right your girlfriend will not see certain issues as a problem as they are her parents. You on the other hand will.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,392 ✭✭✭✭Furze99


    If OP gets on well, it's a no brainer as others say. And if they have children now or in future, very mutually beneficial.

    The advice above re not dropping in unannounced though is weird. The idea that you'd phone your daughter next door to see if you could pop over is very strange. Sure some personal boundaries important but that would be abnormal.



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,604 ✭✭✭MrMusician18


    Yeah, it doesn't work like that. Revenue will determine the market value of the land at the time of sale and you will pay CAT on that, not the nominal fee that the solicitor charges. It is then on you to prove the actual value of the site as the burden of proof is on you not revenue.

    Speak with a tax planner.



  • Registered Users Posts: 455 ✭✭Dont Be at It


    If you decide to have kids you'll look back on it as the best decision you ever made. 😂



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 370 ✭✭iniscealtra


    @Furze99 It really depends on the parents in law in fairness. Some won’t call in the whole time others will. The daughter probably won’t mind the OP might. Having the front door locked and people not being able to look in the windows from the front is a must. Basic privacy. A text is no harm. Do you fancy a coffee ? Sure, call over or maybe tomorrow - working from home/ busy / under the weather. Want to join us for dinner ?

    People need their space and in this situation it has to be planned for.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 370 ✭✭iniscealtra


    My aunts house is connected to her son’s, his partner and children’s. Their house is a large extension facing away from hers. No overlooking. She is clear on the boundaries. The kids pop in to her the whole time. She doesn’t call over unless invited. She explained this to me when I stayed with her. They’re a couple who need their privacy. They get on well and she does her own thing.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,682 ✭✭✭notAMember


    That is an exceptionally generous offer from your girlfriend's parents! They must think very highly of you to consider living beside you also. I'd bite their hands off unless you have some conflict with them.

    Wow. What very nice people you've been lucky enough to meet. Talk about winning the lotto of life. Long term, this is the ultimate in terms of ideal living situations for humans. Multi-generational living arrangements like this are generally the least likely to fall into poverty, there are huge financial benefits that range from the obvious large benefit here avoiding rent, to smaller things like letting a plumber in so you don't have to take a day off work. Maybe support with childcare It all adds up over time.

    You also have mental and physical health benefits from the support of grandparents nearby, it's great for children's development to have that multigenerational influence, and they have a lot of experience you can rely on for kids. Even minor stresses like watering the plants / feeding the cat, checking if you left the window open when each other is away are avoided. Very comfortable way to live tbh. It goes both way, so you need to be ready to support them also, but in general, it's hugely positive and a very generous proposal on their part.

    On the boundaries suggested in the other responses, I think you need to build your own set of personal boundaries within your own family. Some people are very happy with close interactions, popping over without making an appointment, shared space etc. Others are more private and need defined limits. That's very much your own personal thing and can also evolve over time.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 869 ✭✭✭crinkley


    I think you need to do a bit more research, I'm building a 3 bed house down the country and its 400K, get at least two more quotes so you know the contractor isn't coming in too under and you're left with a far bigger bill. Secondly you need to check your tax advice, the site is in my girlfriend's name because that was the only way around the tax issue, now maybe you're happy to pay tax on it to have it in both and I would just recommend seeking separate legal advice, things can be nasty if they don't work out add in a gifted site from your now ex gfs parents - could be a recipe for disaster. Hopefully it doesn't come to that but you can't be careful enough when its such a huge investment


    If none of that puts you off - set boundaries, I'm insisting on none of them having a copy of the keys, no just walking in the back door like they all at her parents and calling or texting if popping over



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,433 ✭✭✭AlanG


    Not sure if you mentioned it but is she an only child? If not then be sure to be clear on how his impacts the other kids. Will they expect to be left the parents house with no share for you. Are you expected to nurse the parents in old age. Also think about what happens if you break up with your girlfriend.

    it can be a great setup but I know of two friends who did than and it led to a lot of bitterness with the siblings and also the couples ended up taking on almost all of the care for the parents in old age.

    Also, don't think you will be able to sell the house without it causing major fallout with her family.



  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,163 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Off topic posts deleted. As per the Charter, when replying to threads in PI/RI please offer advice to the OP on the issue they've raised.

    HS



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,846 ✭✭✭✭yourdeadwright


    Honestly if her parents are decent people then this is brilliant ,

    If you guys ever have kids you have help at the door step & when her parent get old they have help at there door step,

    Not sure hwy but in recent years Irish people seem to get embarrassed at thought of staying near family, It can be hugely beneficial to both if everyone knows there boundaries ,

    One thing your price quoted seems extremely low for Dublin almost impossibly low ,



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 212 ✭✭Kathnora


    I have 4 children who are all married and living in their own homes. I would never dream of dropping in unannounced to any of them. I would always text first and ask if it suited them for me to call in. In fact I would text rather than ring as there's always a risk of putting someone on the spot by ringing and suggesting an impending visit.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 591 ✭✭✭Gary_dunne


    Thanks for all the advice, very much taken on board. In regards to tax considerations, the land will be in my partner's name with a joint mortgage and a separate contract between us in the event of a break up. The CAT will be paid in the long run on her inheritance which essentially has made this more of a loan now that we know we will be paying back in the future.

    She has one brother who has given the go ahead and understands the implications on the value of the property in the event of the parent's passing. He plans to buy the parents house when (hopefully not for a long time) the parents pass.

    On the quotes, I was also very surprised but he has stated that it will not be more than 300k unless we want to add extreme extras or upgrades. I understand from watching Room to Improve that things notoriously go over budget however we do have one without the HTB of 375k as it is so cost has not been the major concerns.

    Boundaries will be set in regards to dropping over unannounced because that will not be happening. I just wanted to see if people had any experience both positive and negative.

    They are extremely kind and generous people who just want to give us a leg up on the annoyingly expensive property ladder and I understand how lucky we are to have this opportunity.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,597 ✭✭✭chiefwiggum


    Exactly what we did. We built on a site given to us by her parents. Literally a hedge between us..couldn't have been happier the last 15 yrs .



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,392 ✭✭✭✭Furze99


    Maybe it's an urban / rural difference? It would depend on how often you see people I guess. If for example it was a family member or neighbour that you only see occasionally, it would be wise to phone first to check they'd be in etc. But if you see people often as likely in the OPs case, then rurally it would conversely be a bit rude to phone or txt.



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,187 ✭✭✭wildwillow


    This happens all the time down the country. We gave a site to my son and daughter in law but it is not immediately adjacent to our home. We can’t see their comings and goings, nor do we want to. They are welcome to sell it if they want. No strings attached.

    It can be very difficult if you break up in the future, when you are married. Hope that never happens but you need to think about that scenario. You need clear title with no reservations.

    Respect on both sides is so important. My son pops in to me regularly but will always ring first. My wonderful daughter in law will always call or text if she needs to call.

    I wouldn’t dream of dropping in to them unannounced, I do take care of the children regularly but only if it suits me. Grandparents shouldn’t be full time childminders.

    Set boundaries on both sides and you will live harmoniously.

    Get another quote for the building and compare with the existing one. Seems far too cheap. You need an architect or engineer to supervise and sign off on the building. I would at least have a quantity surveyor check the numbers. Have you costed getting planning and levies and other charges associated with a new build?



  • Registered Users Posts: 20 Oblivion1970


    I like the bit where you say you get to design your own home. I did exactly that. And like you I was also gifted a site by my mother adjacent to her property. I'm not an architect but I planned every room, every nook and cranny of my home and I absolutely loved doing it. A tip is to go out to a beach [plenty in Dublin] and draw out your home plan on the sand, stand back and look at it. You get a great overview of how much space you need for each room, hallway, landing etc. I was nearly sorry I didn't make a career out of it [lol] But there really is a wonderful satisfaction in you literally being the architect of your own space.

    Re boundaries, they are absolutely vital for all parties. My mother was inclined to pop in unannounced in the early days which caused a fair few disagreements, but she eventually got the message. Now she is old and that's another advantage, she's close enough for me to keep a good eye on her, yet she still gets to live independently and I have my privacy.

    Go for it, OP. I realise with you, it's parents in law, but with boundaries it shouldn't be a problem and as somebody else said, you've won the lotto!



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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,723 ✭✭✭✭cj maxx


    As above , with set boundaries I don’t see a problem . No swapping of keys , at least not on your side . I don’t know your situation re kids etc but it could be a godsend in years to come . Lay boundaries with your inlaws and go for it imo



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 591 ✭✭✭Gary_dunne


    Thanks to all for the advice and opinions. Boundaries will most definitely be set and there'll be no dropping in unannounced.

    We've decided to go ahead with it and have started the design planning stage. I know this will not be in the correct topic but we've been quoted €6.5k from an architect and engineer to do up the designs and submit the planning application. Does this seem a reasonable figure?

    Hard to find any concrete figures online or on other threads.



  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,163 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Hey @Gary_dunne, that's great you've made a decision. All the best with it.

    As you've resolved your issue and the advice is moving from Personal Issue territory to more of construction, I'mgoing to close the thread there.

    However there is a Construction and Planning forum here which you might find a benefit.

    Good luck with it all.

    HS



This discussion has been closed.
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