Should We Live Next Door to the Her Parents?

Gary_dunne

For context, my girlfriend's parents have offered us the opportunity to build our own detached house beside their own (they have an unusually large garden in Dublin). It would be detached and we'd have our own garden walled off from theirs.

With the extreme cost of new builds and second hand homes in Dublin, financially it is a no brainer as the site would be essentially free and their is a contractor who has quoted €275k for a 3 bed with a converted attic. I also like the idea of designing our own house from scratch to our specifications.

I get on with her parents extremely well however I do feel that I'm becoming an extension to them rather than putting down our own roots and starting our new life where we'd build a family together.

All thoughts and experience would be greatly appreciated, thanks!

Ivor_Guddon

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058333673/should-we-live-next-door-to-the-her-parents

are you happy with the area ?

is €275k cheaper than comparable 3 beds in the area ?

you can always sell in the future and probably for alot more than you will be paying , so sounds like you will have a great headstart on most , i'd jump on it and if you don't like it 5 years down the line sell it and move , at least you will have some equity in it etc

Jim_Hodge

I've seen this type of set up work extremely well many times.

Gary_dunne

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121688512#Comment_121688512

Ye the area itself is fine, nice estate Ayrfield D13, good amenities close by with excellent public transport links. Far below the average 3 bed in the area for poor BER houses, new builds start at roughly €500k.

We'd be getting the HTB grant of 30k also which would mean we'd have to be there for a minimum of 5 years before we could sell. The land would be transferred over to our names and they have said we could sell down the line if we wished to move to a different area or upgrade to larger house depending on family size.

Wanderer78

sounds like a no brainer to me, and the fact you all get on, could work out very well, best of luck with it

Jim2007

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121688512#Comment_121688512

Oh you can't sell, not if you value your family life and want a bit of peace, only after they are dead.

danfrancisco83

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121688530#Comment_121688530

The HTB is fine I think, you pay back a percentage of the grant if you move early, sell after 2 years and you pay back 60% of 30k, sell after 3 years and pay back 40% and so on. Still a great deal (you're pretty much getting a quarter of a million for free).

DoctorEdgeWild

Sounds like an absolute dream situation! I think you've won the lotto here to be honest.

Peregrinus

Financially it's a very attractive offer. Look into the tax aspects carefully as the gift to you of a 50% interest in the site will attract capital acquisitions tax - you're not related to your girlfriend's parents. But even with the tax hit it may well be a good deal financially.

Obviously you're concerned about being too close to your girlfriend's family, but you know your girlfriend, and her family, and the relationship between them better than we do so only you can say whether that close is too close for comfort. You do have the out of being able to sell and move if the arrangement is not working out, but doing that would have to be a joint decision between you and your girlfriend, which could be a sensitive matter.

Deeec

Yeah go for it - I done similar and its great from a child minding/minding elderly parents etc point of view aswell. You have to remember that you be living in the same house so you will have separation.

The only issue I see with your plan is that there is no chance of you building a house for €275K - so dont fall for that trap. I expect the contractor will just build bare shell of a house for that.

YellowLead

I think all of this hinges on whether you both get on well with them and know them to be reasonable people - if so it’s a total no brainer! I’d only be worried if you didn’t like them because there will be no escape.

Water John

Live next to my son and his partner. Everything fine, except be sure to maintain personal barriers. It's only fair. If you think your in laws will operate that way, it's a no brainer. Best of luck with it.

blackvalley

Any tax implications with being gifted a site ?. Otherwise it sounds like a good idea . Only thing I would be wary of is the idea of selling the house in the medium term as it might cause some resentment with your relations .

Gary_dunne

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121688581#Comment_121688581

Technically the land is being sold to us through a solicitor just for a nominal fee which helps to circumnavigate some tax issues.

Jim2007

I lived beside my parents-in-law for over thirty years and we always got on very well. My father-in-law has been dead for over 10 years now but I still miss him - I miss the conversations we had, the beers and the coffees we shared on a summer's evening sitting on his terrace and so on... And of course my kids considered both houses to be home as they often overnighted there or had dinner there in the evening after school and so on.

But my parents-in-law always obeyed the golden rule of never getting involved in our affairs and never criticised our parenting decisions and that is probably why it worked out so well. I know from others that is often not the case. None of us know you nor the others involved in this decision, so we can't really say what is right for you, it is something only you can decide.

markpb

Pros:

• The cheap site should make your life financially a lot easier.
• Trying to buy a house for the same amount elsewhere pushes you a lot further from the city, from amenities, from public transport, etc.
• If you have children later, living near your family will make your life a lot easier and potentially a lot cheaper than relying on childcare. This is even more important once they start primary school and might need minding for 2-3 hours in the afternoon or need to be brought to activities (of course, not all grandparents are willing or able to do this).

Cons:

• It can be very hard to separate your life from theirs. They might call over unannounced, at awkward times, they might pop in for breakfast at weekends or call over for tea and not go away after. They might feel like your kitchen is their living room.
• It might cause resentment because your partner won't see the problem with it but you will and any attempt to talk about it could be difficult. Or you might just keep it to yourself because having a babysitter on-call means you can enjoy nights out a lot easier than a couple who don't live beside their family.
• If you're not happy, you can't easily move elsewhere in Dublin because you of HTB and because it risks upsetting your wife or your in-laws. It might be easier to move to Australia than to Dundrum.

I know several people who live near their in-laws and some of them definitely don't enjoy it, no matter how well they get on with them, but the convenience once you have kids makes it hard to argue with.

Gary_dunne

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121688588#Comment_121688588

The builder has provided a detailed quote which includes far more than just the shell, there of course will be added expenses for upgrades we decide upon. He's finishing a similar build in the same estate (how we got introduced) and that has totaled at 285k with extensive upgrades for 3 bed 98sqm with no attic conversion.

Water John

Personal boundaries to be set at the start. Just a gentle part of the overall conversation. No dropping in unannounced either way.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121688629#Comment_121688629

Thats extremely good value for the current market - to build a small 3 bed would be costing €400K or more. I would still be very careful with someone quoting so low. Be sure to check references are genuine.

iniscealtra

Make sure you have clear title and separate entrance if possible. To have the option to sell is very important even if it is after they are gone.

Design the house also so that you have privacy in the garden area and to prevent overlooking. Windows etc.

Maintain boundaries. Really important. Other poster is right your girlfriend will not see certain issues as a problem as they are her parents. You on the other hand will.

Furze99

If OP gets on well, it's a no brainer as others say. And if they have children now or in future, very mutually beneficial.

The advice above re not dropping in unannounced though is weird. The idea that you'd phone your daughter next door to see if you could pop over is very strange. Sure some personal boundaries important but that would be abnormal.

MrMusician18

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121688610#Comment_121688610

Yeah, it doesn't work like that. Revenue will determine the market value of the land at the time of sale and you will pay CAT on that, not the nominal fee that the solicitor charges. It is then on you to prove the actual value of the site as the burden of proof is on you not revenue.

Speak with a tax planner.

Dont Be at It

If you decide to have kids you'll look back on it as the best decision you ever made. 😂

iniscealtra

@Furze99 It really depends on the parents in law in fairness. Some won’t call in the whole time others will. The daughter probably won’t mind the OP might. Having the front door locked and people not being able to look in the windows from the front is a must. Basic privacy. A text is no harm. Do you fancy a coffee ? Sure, call over or maybe tomorrow - working from home/ busy / under the weather. Want to join us for dinner ?

People need their space and in this situation it has to be planned for.

iniscealtra

My aunts house is connected to her son’s, his partner and children’s. Their house is a large extension facing away from hers. No overlooking. She is clear on the boundaries. The kids pop in to her the whole time. She doesn’t call over unless invited. She explained this to me when I stayed with her. They’re a couple who need their privacy. They get on well and she does her own thing.

notAMember

That is an exceptionally generous offer from your girlfriend's parents! They must think very highly of you to consider living beside you also. I'd bite their hands off unless you have some conflict with them.

Wow. What very nice people you've been lucky enough to meet. Talk about winning the lotto of life. Long term, this is the ultimate in terms of ideal living situations for humans. Multi-generational living arrangements like this are generally the least likely to fall into poverty, there are huge financial benefits that range from the obvious large benefit here avoiding rent, to smaller things like letting a plumber in so you don't have to take a day off work. Maybe support with childcare It all adds up over time.

You also have mental and physical health benefits from the support of grandparents nearby, it's great for children's development to have that multigenerational influence, and they have a lot of experience you can rely on for kids. Even minor stresses like watering the plants / feeding the cat, checking if you left the window open when each other is away are avoided. Very comfortable way to live tbh. It goes both way, so you need to be ready to support them also, but in general, it's hugely positive and a very generous proposal on their part.

On the boundaries suggested in the other responses, I think you need to build your own set of personal boundaries within your own family. Some people are very happy with close interactions, popping over without making an appointment, shared space etc. Others are more private and need defined limits. That's very much your own personal thing and can also evolve over time.

crinkley

I think you need to do a bit more research, I'm building a 3 bed house down the country and its 400K, get at least two more quotes so you know the contractor isn't coming in too under and you're left with a far bigger bill. Secondly you need to check your tax advice, the site is in my girlfriend's name because that was the only way around the tax issue, now maybe you're happy to pay tax on it to have it in both and I would just recommend seeking separate legal advice, things can be nasty if they don't work out add in a gifted site from your now ex gfs parents - could be a recipe for disaster. Hopefully it doesn't come to that but you can't be careful enough when its such a huge investment

If none of that puts you off - set boundaries, I'm insisting on none of them having a copy of the keys, no just walking in the back door like they all at her parents and calling or texting if popping over

AlanG

Not sure if you mentioned it but is she an only child? If not then be sure to be clear on how his impacts the other kids. Will they expect to be left the parents house with no share for you. Are you expected to nurse the parents in old age. Also think about what happens if you break up with your girlfriend.

it can be a great setup but I know of two friends who did than and it led to a lot of bitterness with the siblings and also the couples ended up taking on almost all of the care for the parents in old age.

Also, don't think you will be able to sell the house without it causing major fallout with her family.

Hannibal_Smith

Off topic posts deleted. As per the Charter, when replying to threads in PI/RI please offer advice to the OP on the issue they've raised.

HS

yourdeadwright

Honestly if her parents are decent people then this is brilliant ,

If you guys ever have kids you have help at the door step & when her parent get old they have help at there door step,

Not sure hwy but in recent years Irish people seem to get embarrassed at thought of staying near family, It can be hugely beneficial to both if everyone knows there boundaries ,

One thing your price quoted seems extremely low for Dublin almost impossibly low ,

Kathnora

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121689164#Comment_121689164

I have 4 children who are all married and living in their own homes. I would never dream of dropping in unannounced to any of them. I would always text first and ask if it suited them for me to call in. In fact I would text rather than ring as there's always a risk of putting someone on the spot by ringing and suggesting an impending visit.