Partner is aggressive, don't know how to deal with this situation

Sounds like this relationship is dead, she is really self centered and abusive.

We are all guilty of been lazy and not bothered about making time for our partners but been abusive draws the line. What you are describing though in your home life structure is typical, out working all day, kids when you get home and you just want to switch off when they are gone to bed.

Asking to meet a friend? Totally controlling behavior

Hard to know what advice you are hoping for. Are you looking for us to say whether you should leave or not? Or are you looking for ways to make it work if you do or do not leave?

I can tell you only that it sounds very much like a situation I would leave.

Firstly because if the relationship has reached a point where a partner feels they can be physical with me in that way - or could treat me with so little respect that they feel they can throw food and objects around - then I am not in a relationship with an adult but a child. And I want a partner not another person I have to parent.

Secondly because if a relationship has become that bad then it is going to negatively affect your own child. They are seeing this behavior too and that is building in them a model of how relationships should go/be. Not to mention the things you do not think the child sees. If there is a constant cold atmosphere of beneath the surface animosity and tension and emotion then you might think there is much your child is not seeing or picking up on. But very often you will be very wrong. They very often do pick up on and get affected by much of it. Further children are naturally quite narcissistic. In that they often feel that things that happen to them or around them is somehow their fault or related to them. So it is quite possible your child is inwardly suffering greatly in the current atmosphere.

So I would not give you the advice to leave. You have to decide that. But I can tell you I probably would. If however you want to stay and make it work then that's a different type of advice you are seeking and we could of course give you advice that way too.

One question which I only ask because it did not get mentioned in your post so I ask it just to make sure you have asked it of yourself. Why is it you that would be leaving? Have you considered asking her to leave or seeking a resolution where she is the one who has to leave?

When you start having fantasies.... It is time to stop the fantasies and start creating reality

Sorry :(

Your partner sounds awful. Unsustainable. Time to finish the relationship and make a better life for you and the child

There is no justification for this. It it abuse. If your partner is unwilling to take responsibility for her abusive behaviour and change you should consider if you should stay in the relationship or look for a protection order.

If she wants more couple time then she can prioritise it over her own activities. She can't have her cake and eat it.

You're up early to get your child ready for school and you are working full time. Can she not do her activities during the day when your child is at school and you are at work and she then have more time for family in the evenings. Did any of the counselling sessions suggest this?

To me she comes across as a self centered abusive narcissist; coercively controlling, verbally, emotionally and physically abusive.

Consider if you would be happy for things to continue as they are or even get worse. If your partner won't engage in counselling it might be worthwhile going by yourself to help you figure out your options.

Leaving a 7 or 8 year old child to get themselves up, dressed, fed and off to school in the mornings is neglect if you ask me.

Similarly, expecting a 10 year old to "make dinner" could also be considered neglect.

Maybe your children are more resilient than other children, but that sounds like a very harsh upbringing.

"hey, sorry to here about the abuse, have you considered getting your child to make their own dinner?". Brilliant.

OP, your relationship sounds like hell on earth. You need to extract yourself from that situation in any way you can. For your own sake AND your child's. Witnessing that kind of behaviour will do them no good.

Dunno about that. I for one have ensured my children slowly took over aspects of the morning routine over time from quite an early age. While I do not now "leave" them to do it as you put it, very often, I certainly can when the situation requires it. If I had a work emergency on Monday morning and I had to leave before school I have full confidence they would do everything required to get themselves up and out. Not just themselves but their kid sister as well if required. My youngest is in toddler area so probably not that one. But certainly my second youngest would be in a good place with my oldest two.

But from an early age I ensured that they were doing at least part of it daily under my supervison. So if I was doing the breakfast they would be beside me making teir own lunch. Or vice versa. And they were certainly dressing themselves from a very early age. Usually involving them laying out the clothes the night before. Often in fact breakfasts and lunches were made the night before where possible - or at least partially such as waffle or pancake mix for example. We make our own bread so doughs that prove over night is another thing we do. Or we used to have a lot of fun making our own sushi so this was done the night before for their packed lunch. And so on.

The idea that a 10 year old making dinner is some form of "neglect" is amusing to me. I'd say it depends on the child of course and very much depends on the dinner. I would not really be expecting my kids (the oldest two of my four are now 13 and 9) to make a full roast dinner, taking a huge bird in and out of the oven and dealing with 200oC oven trays. Sure. I reckon they could do it though. I just would not be leaving them alone to try just yet.

But my 9 year old if asked makes quite a mean salmon and pasta dinner with a sauce made of sour cream, parmasan and herbs. With broccoli on the side. And thats just one meal in his repotoire. As for baking - since age 7 you would have been hard pushed to stop them! Both of these kids have been cooking actively in one form or another since they were 4. Though obviously started at a very basic level. My youngest two kids are next to begin training :)

I think children from quite a young age are well capable of being a very active part of daily routines and chores and activities. As a parent of a child we can watch them and decide on their unique capabilities and ensure progression is congruant with that. Some kids will progress faster than others. To use your words I would find it "harsh" and "neglect" and so forth to simply drop them in it over night. But consistently building children up over time can build very basic life skills quickly and leave other people thinking they are remarkably "resilient" when it's nothing really.

People are often quite surprised that my children have been learning martial arts and self defence since they were toddlers or that my 13 year old girl has been firing rifles and pistols since she was 9. I suspect that my children seem resilient and skilled and disciplined not because they are excessively above some par - but perhaps because many other kids are below it and that there is nothing particilarly remarkable at play with my own.

All that said however - it is still not clear what the OP wants from advice on here. Advice on whether to leave or stay? Advice on leaving and how to go about it? Advice on staying and how to go about it? If it was advice on staying I would certainly think of a few things to offer based on his OP. Maybe not overnight dumping his kid into a world of self sufficiency. But a few things jumped out at me as focal points where improvements could maybe be made. But it's not a lot of information to go on yet and so far they have not come back.

The OP has described a routine where the adults do not see eachother from one end of the day to another, and have given themselves hours of unnecessary work and stress , in the mornings and evenings, effectively waiting on another person, who is perfectly capable of doing it themselves once taught. Indeed it would only be to the childs, and the relationships benefit if they got around to it. It's an easy routine to fall into with a small child in the early days, and takes some effort to extract yourself. ( I'd guess, probably, if this was not an only child, there would be a little less time spent micromanaging them. )

I'm not saying it's a solution, but it's certainly something positive to do along with protecting themselves and looking for an exit.

And as for the very weird jibe from @spakman that teaching a child to make their own lunch and get themselves dressed for school is neglect.... I'd counter it's the exact opposite way around. Failing to teach children the basics is missing the point of being a parent.