Partner is aggressive, don't know how to deal with this situation

anon00001

Myself (M) and my fiancé (F), early 50s, one 10 year old child between us.

Am trying to decide if I should leave the family home due to the constant arguments and the aggression my partner shows to me.

The arguments- these about anything really. Normal couple stuff I would think. But my partner has a very short fuse, so it escalates quickly. Within no time, she is calling me a c**t, f**king b**stard etc. Sticking her fingers up in my face, using her body to block me escaping from the situation. Sometimes she hits me on the arm. Throws my food or grabs things I'm holding and throws them on the floor. A lot of the time our child will be at least within earshot of this.

About half the time, if not more, she's probably justified in being annoyed with me. But not to this level of aggression. I get annoyed with her too but I try to keep a lid on it.

She is regularly upset with me for not making time for her or trying to connect with her. For instance, I am the one who gets up with our child in the morning to organize for their breakfast and school. I am also the one with a full time job, so I need to leave for work. If I get up slightly late, it's a bit of a rush getting everything ready and if I then don't come in to say good morning 'properly' to her and make an effort- I hear about it for days.

In the evening, when I come home from work, she's super busy with finishing up the afternoon looking after child/bringing to after-school activities, and making dinner. She's typically busy/grump at that time- I think that's fair enough, but I don't want to hang around kitchen as I will be on the receiving end of her grumpiness. Often she will be going out after dinner for her own activities, and when she is free for a chat, it'll be after 9pm typically, when I just want to switch off and hopefully get myself to bed for 10pm. So not ideal conditions for working through the long list of household/personal things to discuss and also relaxing as a couple together.

The lack of quality time together is getting her down, and it will often come out as the source of arguments which quickly escalate into horrible encounters.

She says I'm not interested in organizing dates/time her, and that it's always her who organizes these things. That's mostly true about her being the catalyst to planing future events; I'm definitely not as keen to go out as she is, but I do organize things.

I can hardy bring up my own activities or plans for meeting friends. She says "I'm not going to discuss you meeting with (friend) until there's something in the calendar for us"

We've been to multiple relationship councilors over the years. Never helped. I tried to bring up her aggression in those sessions but none of the councilors ever engaged on the topic in any depth.

Honestly, I would leave if it wasn't for:

1. Our child. Whom I think would be devastated if I left.
2. The cost of accommodation in Dublin (I need to go to an office in Dublin 3 days a week).

So I have two fantasies - one I win the Lotto, but a house in the same estate so I can be close to child. The other is I somehow manage to muddle through next 7 years till child finishes secondary and then exit stage left.

Just wondering if anyone has any advice on this. Thanks.

rob316

Sounds like this relationship is dead, she is really self centered and abusive.

We are all guilty of been lazy and not bothered about making time for our partners but been abusive draws the line. What you are describing though in your home life structure is typical, out working all day, kids when you get home and you just want to switch off when they are gone to bed.

Asking to meet a friend? Totally controlling behavior

Dial Hard

She's abusive and you've checked out of the relationship. It sounds like the two of you were never really compatible to begin with.

Leave. Now. Abuse only ever escalates. You've tried counselling and it didn't work (and generally isn't recommended in abusive relationships, just fyi). Your child will be fine, relationships with children end every day. Any child is better off with two happy, separate parents than one miserable unit. That goes manifold for when there's abuse involved.

If it was a friend or relative in this situation would you counsel them to stay? Of course not. So extend yourself the same courtesy.

Brid Hegarty

I’m guessing you’ve known between 10 and 15 years now so the question is, how long has she been like this? Did she get this way gradually, or all of a sudden? Who’s idea was it to get relationship counseling? By the sound of it, she won’t be willing to ‘discuss’ things in a fair way, and will instead shout and argue.

If you’re going to stay, then I think you should make rules for her. Point out the inappropriate things she does, and inflict a consequence for every time she does it.

By the way, it is not fair that she is grumpy when you come home? I don’t know why you think that’s fair enough.

This makes me wonder about relationship councillors, and what value they really have. To think that they avoided the issue of her aggression!

rob316

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121375506#Comment_121375506

They went to multiple counsellors, nothing more to do. Rules and consequences? What sort of functioning relationship is that where you punish your partner?

Its over, just leave before she pulls a knife on him next or something.

taxAHcruel

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058322819/partner-is-aggressive-dont-know-how-to-deal-with-this-situation

Hard to know what advice you are hoping for. Are you looking for us to say whether you should leave or not? Or are you looking for ways to make it work if you do or do not leave?

I can tell you only that it sounds very much like a situation I would leave.

Firstly because if the relationship has reached a point where a partner feels they can be physical with me in that way - or could treat me with so little respect that they feel they can throw food and objects around - then I am not in a relationship with an adult but a child. And I want a partner not another person I have to parent.

Secondly because if a relationship has become that bad then it is going to negatively affect your own child. They are seeing this behavior too and that is building in them a model of how relationships should go/be. Not to mention the things you do not think the child sees. If there is a constant cold atmosphere of beneath the surface animosity and tension and emotion then you might think there is much your child is not seeing or picking up on. But very often you will be very wrong. They very often do pick up on and get affected by much of it. Further children are naturally quite narcissistic. In that they often feel that things that happen to them or around them is somehow their fault or related to them. So it is quite possible your child is inwardly suffering greatly in the current atmosphere.

So I would not give you the advice to leave. You have to decide that. But I can tell you I probably would. If however you want to stay and make it work then that's a different type of advice you are seeking and we could of course give you advice that way too.

One question which I only ask because it did not get mentioned in your post so I ask it just to make sure you have asked it of yourself. Why is it you that would be leaving? Have you considered asking her to leave or seeking a resolution where she is the one who has to leave?

Madd002

OK so not nice what's going on, I see you say she goes to her activities etc no issue free for you to chat from 9, but if you want to meet with friends she won't allow it until you make time for her. Throwing things and hitting you. That's called being in a coercive abusive relationship and your daughter shouldn't be around that. You say early 50's maybe she's going through perimenopause/menopause in which case she needs to go to a doctor as some symptoms can bring out the animal in a woman. Best of luck in your decision.

amdublin

When you start having fantasies.... It is time to stop the fantasies and start creating reality

Sorry :(

Your partner sounds awful. Unsustainable. Time to finish the relationship and make a better life for you and the child

iniscealtra

That sounds awful. It’s abusive, It is certainly no environment for a child to grow up in.

FishOnABike

Within no time, she is calling me a c**t, f**king b**stard etc. Sticking her fingers up in my face, using her body to block me escaping from the situation. Sometimes she hits me on the arm. Throws my food or grabs things I'm holding and throws them on the floor. A lot of the time our child will be at least within earshot of this.

There is no justification for this. It it abuse. If your partner is unwilling to take responsibility for her abusive behaviour and change you should consider if you should stay in the relationship or look for a protection order.

If she wants more couple time then she can prioritise it over her own activities. She can't have her cake and eat it.

You're up early to get your child ready for school and you are working full time. Can she not do her activities during the day when your child is at school and you are at work and she then have more time for family in the evenings. Did any of the counselling sessions suggest this?

To me she comes across as a self centered abusive narcissist; coercively controlling, verbally, emotionally and physically abusive.

Consider if you would be happy for things to continue as they are or even get worse. If your partner won't engage in counselling it might be worthwhile going by yourself to help you figure out your options.

Rubberchikken

Which would be better - you leave and get to live a peaceful safe life with opportunities to spend time with your child or you stay in what is a toxic possibility unsafe and unhappy house all the while both of you letting your child see and hear what is happening.

And believe me the child knows. And please ask yourself what are they absorbing and learning.

You don't deserve to be treated this way. Your partner is abusive and unless they're willing to make drastic changes to their behaviour things may only get worse.

Hannibal_Smith

Have you ever though of giving Men's Aid a call? There is no justification for abusive behaviour. Have a look at the men's aid website and think about getting in touch with them. They may be able to help you get your thoughts together and help you decide what to do next and how to go about it.

whippet

sounds not too dissimilar to what happened my brother. He spent a couple of years muddling though it as he felt trapped - needing to be there for the kids and the costs of moving out. Eventually when her temper escalated and she punched him in the face a number of times in front of the children he left the home and 12 months later he is now questioning why he didn't leave earlier.

xyz13

Whatever you do DON'T leave your home.

notAMember

OP, stay safe above all, sorry to hear about the abuse.

I know you are asking about the relationship, but your child is 10 years old, yet you are treating them like an infant. A 7 or 8 year old can definitely make their own breakfast and lunch and get ready for school themselves , and my 10 year old was well able to make dinner once or twice a week. You two are stuck in this servility mode to a fairly grown up child, leaving no time for each other.

Could you switch focus to building that independence in your child for a while? They will need it anyway as they grow, and if you do decide the relationship is over at least the child would have some skills and you may worry less about how they would cope practically.

spakman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121383246#Comment_121383246

Leaving a 7 or 8 year old child to get themselves up, dressed, fed and off to school in the mornings is neglect if you ask me.

Similarly, expecting a 10 year old to "make dinner" could also be considered neglect.

Maybe your children are more resilient than other children, but that sounds like a very harsh upbringing.

Idbatterim

Could you not change your job or commute to dublin for 3 days?! Get out. Its lunacy! 7 months you could carry on with, 7 years?! what does the child finishing secondary school have to do with things? I would get it, if it were in a leaving cert year etc. What when the kid goes to college? wait another few years?

RurtBeynolds

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121383246#Comment_121383246

"hey, sorry to here about the abuse, have you considered getting your child to make their own dinner?". Brilliant.

OP, your relationship sounds like hell on earth. You need to extract yourself from that situation in any way you can. For your own sake AND your child's. Witnessing that kind of behaviour will do them no good.

Only one thing to do here: leave. For all sakes.

taxAHcruel

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121383319#Comment_121383319

Dunno about that. I for one have ensured my children slowly took over aspects of the morning routine over time from quite an early age. While I do not now "leave" them to do it as you put it, very often, I certainly can when the situation requires it. If I had a work emergency on Monday morning and I had to leave before school I have full confidence they would do everything required to get themselves up and out. Not just themselves but their kid sister as well if required. My youngest is in toddler area so probably not that one. But certainly my second youngest would be in a good place with my oldest two.

But from an early age I ensured that they were doing at least part of it daily under my supervison. So if I was doing the breakfast they would be beside me making teir own lunch. Or vice versa. And they were certainly dressing themselves from a very early age. Usually involving them laying out the clothes the night before. Often in fact breakfasts and lunches were made the night before where possible - or at least partially such as waffle or pancake mix for example. We make our own bread so doughs that prove over night is another thing we do. Or we used to have a lot of fun making our own sushi so this was done the night before for their packed lunch. And so on.

The idea that a 10 year old making dinner is some form of "neglect" is amusing to me. I'd say it depends on the child of course and very much depends on the dinner. I would not really be expecting my kids (the oldest two of my four are now 13 and 9) to make a full roast dinner, taking a huge bird in and out of the oven and dealing with 200oC oven trays. Sure. I reckon they could do it though. I just would not be leaving them alone to try just yet.

But my 9 year old if asked makes quite a mean salmon and pasta dinner with a sauce made of sour cream, parmasan and herbs. With broccoli on the side. And thats just one meal in his repotoire. As for baking - since age 7 you would have been hard pushed to stop them! Both of these kids have been cooking actively in one form or another since they were 4. Though obviously started at a very basic level. My youngest two kids are next to begin training :)

I think children from quite a young age are well capable of being a very active part of daily routines and chores and activities. As a parent of a child we can watch them and decide on their unique capabilities and ensure progression is congruant with that. Some kids will progress faster than others. To use your words I would find it "harsh" and "neglect" and so forth to simply drop them in it over night. But consistently building children up over time can build very basic life skills quickly and leave other people thinking they are remarkably "resilient" when it's nothing really.

People are often quite surprised that my children have been learning martial arts and self defence since they were toddlers or that my 13 year old girl has been firing rifles and pistols since she was 9. I suspect that my children seem resilient and skilled and disciplined not because they are excessively above some par - but perhaps because many other kids are below it and that there is nothing particilarly remarkable at play with my own.

All that said however - it is still not clear what the OP wants from advice on here. Advice on whether to leave or stay? Advice on leaving and how to go about it? Advice on staying and how to go about it? If it was advice on staying I would certainly think of a few things to offer based on his OP. Maybe not overnight dumping his kid into a world of self sufficiency. But a few things jumped out at me as focal points where improvements could maybe be made. But it's not a lot of information to go on yet and so far they have not come back.

walshb

Sounds like a very tough relationship. You’re not married? Might make it bit easier to leave. But reading what you have posted seems like this relationship is a waste time. It’s dead, and far from peaceful and happy. Get out!!!

notAMember

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121383472#Comment_121383472

The OP has described a routine where the adults do not see eachother from one end of the day to another, and have given themselves hours of unnecessary work and stress , in the mornings and evenings, effectively waiting on another person, who is perfectly capable of doing it themselves once taught. Indeed it would only be to the childs, and the relationships benefit if they got around to it. It's an easy routine to fall into with a small child in the early days, and takes some effort to extract yourself. ( I'd guess, probably, if this was not an only child, there would be a little less time spent micromanaging them. )

I'm not saying it's a solution, but it's certainly something positive to do along with protecting themselves and looking for an exit.

And as for the very weird jibe from @spakman that teaching a child to make their own lunch and get themselves dressed for school is neglect.... I'd counter it's the exact opposite way around. Failing to teach children the basics is missing the point of being a parent.

Kalimah

Having read all of the comments I think we’re missing the basic premise of the thread that the OP’s partner is physically and verbally abusive. That won’t change OP, no matter how much you try to make quality time to spend with your fiancée.

If it was one of my friends or family I’d be advising a protection or barring in the first instance and definitely no marriage.

if it was a woman in the same situation there wouldn’t be any talk about getting the child to be more independent so the partner might get a bit more attention.

It’s a horrible situation to be in OP. I hope you have good friends and family to support and confide in. Don’t be afraid to let them know what’s going on. And I second a recommendation from another poster to contact Men’s Aid.