Wife told me she does not love me anymore

Sleepy · 01-08-2023 03:07PM

My assumption is that the OP pointed out the household stuff he does in order to try and negate the usual advice unhappy husbands get on here that they aren't pulling their weight in relation to houshold chores. Given that OP's wife has been a stay-at-home parent for 8 years, unless the youngest of the 3 kids was born in the last couple of years, it's likely the kids are in school most of the day.

It isn't the 1920's anymore, household appliances, supermarkets and smaller family sizes have greatly reduced the workload of being a SAHP and there's no good reason that a SAHP whose kids are in school can't have the majority of the housework done during school hours. There's a reason that TV channels show far more programmes aimed at adults during the day than cartoons though and it's because there's many a stay-at-home parent who drops the kids to school (or gets their partner to do it) and then spends half his or her day on the couch watching crap while browsing social media until the kids need to be picked up. I think some of those posting need to remember that not every stay at home parent is a domestic god/goddess.

Some also seem to be very naieve about the legal profession and divorce proceedings. The advice to prepare for the worst is not mysoginistic, it's practical, solid advice that many an Irishman could have done with (no doubt there are plenty of Irish women who could have done with the advice too but our Family Law system has well earned it's reputation as being anti-male).

Preparing for the worst when your spouse tells you they want a divorce isn't a value judgement on that spouse or any indication that you're expecting them to behave badly, it's simply a variation of common sense advice for any upcoming challenge in life: prepare for the worst, hope for the best. And it sounds like particularly good advice for the OP judging from his description of how his now ex wife speaks to him (Maybe he is a "bad husband" and / or a "bad parent" but he's posted nothing that indicate that's true (e.g. confessions about a drug or gambling problem / admitting to infidelities etc.).

marilynrr · 01-08-2023 03:41PM

@Sleepy

There's no issue with considering the worst as a possibility, but some of the posts are pure paranoia. I said in one of my posts that my ex gave me an awful time when we split threatening to kill me and so on, coming to my house with weapons etc. I am always fearful for women who split with their partners for that reason (and because I've seen similar many times) and encourage caution and to be aware of mood changes etc, but not to the point where they are living in complete fear of the worst happening.

And in my experience that's the last thing that men who are dealing with the break up of their family need is paranoia because a lot of the time they already often get paranoid due to the break up anyway.

So again, it's fine to consider the worst as a possibility, but paranoia might actually make it a self fulfilling prophecy.

If for example the wife in this case was planning on trying to be as civil as possible and then realised the OP was making notes on her mental health and/or medication and compiling some kind of dossier of 'evidence' in a diary going back through the years then most likely she would think WTF, get very scared about his mental state and what his plans were and then you have the 2 of them thinking the other is out to get them.

Paranoia is not easily hidden at all.

I've seen many posts on other forums from the womans perspective where men have done similar, they see them taking notes, or researching medication, printing out pages about the side effects of perimenopause and menopause etc. and the wife ends up very freaked out and paranoid herself.

Hannibal_Smith · 01-08-2023 04:36PM

@marilynrr please bear in mind that it's a matter for the OP to decide what advice is relevant to them and what advice to ignore. You tend to engage with other posters in relation to their advice, which really is talking around the OP, rather than to them and isn't offering them any advice, as per the charter. Please remember when replying to a thread in PI/RI, you should offer advice to the OP.

@Sleepy again, rather than discussing the advice others have given please remember that in PI/RI posters are asked to offer advice to the OP when replying to their thread.

HS

Beefcake82 · 01-08-2023 04:46PM

Op, others have pointed out counselling both individual and group with your wife to see if your relationship can be salvaged, however you also need to come up with a plan to help with that effort. If your wife feels overwhelmed at home all the time, perhaps getting back to work would help for time away from home and kids, this would allow her more varied social interactions and a sense of personal ownership, maybe starting off part time initially.

Are your children of an age where they could look after themselves for a couple hours when home from school, teen years? Do you have family or trusted friends that the kids could stay with in their or your home? Maybe spend some time writing down the different things that could be done to help going forward if counselling was beneficial, this would give you both a view how ye can possibly turn things around if your wife is open to it.

gormdubhgorm · 01-08-2023 05:06PM

I don't if this is a stupid idea or not, but would it be an idea for the OP's wife to write down her issues and problems with him/relationship at least it would help him know why/help address them if there is any slim hope of salvaging things? Let the OP's wife vent and let it all out.

Because as some female posters above said there could be a combination of a number of minor things when added up together drove her away - lack of attention etc. And the OP could be completely clueless on.

The poor fella sounds completely baffled and shocked by the whole thing.

I did wonder what the OP's wife would think if she read his post? The OP mentioned lack of communication could an issue? Maybe if he wrote her a letter that might go better than face to face - where it could end up in an argument.

Anyway, I hope the OP sorts it all out one way or another with the children, himself and his wife.

OP - Obviously, if the worst does come to worst at least try and get the legal arrangements sorted out and agreed upon as other posters have said. Find out exactly what your wife wants from a legal point of view- maybe she might be agreeable enough to come to a fair arrangement.

Wife told me she does not love me anymore

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