Mens perspective please?

TheminxIRL · 08-12-2022 9:32pm #1

Just looking for another persons perspective, I am at a loss.

So met this guy online, really clicked, so much in common, he pretty much love bombed me at the start, constant texts, voice messages phone calls etc, pics of himself, family literally non stop.

Met twice, got on great, had an amazing time, he said so too. I noticed the contact got less and less, granted I knew he was up to his eyes with work so didnt really think too much of it at first. Asked if he wasnt interested in continuing and he assured me he was and justified why he couldnt talk/text anymore.

So went with the flow, early days and all. Just wanted to know where i stood, Im not wasting time on someone not into me

Then he got covid last week, said he was pretty sick, no reason to doubt it, I had my work night out Friday, told him, he said have a good night all seemed good.

Made a point of not texting him good morning the next day, which I always did first, which had started to annoy me so at 7pm I caved and texted him to see how he was. Awful sick, tired, grumpy, moody was just some of his response. I just had enough then, he came across as totally self absorbed, he didnt ask about my night out or even bother texting when I didnt.

So I told him it wasnt working for me, I needed someone would put the effort in too, that would show some interest in me. He said I was backing him into a corner because he was sick and he couldnt have this conversation now. said he would text when he was better with a kiss on the end??

Being the sap I am I left it from Saturday until today Thursday just out of curiosity to see would he actually text and what he would say. I just had enough then and thought I was being a doormat, like I was sitting waiting for him to give me a little something so text him and said as much.

I asked him a couple of things, like if I wasnt what he was looking for why not just say it and not waste my time and effort. I wasnt rude or confrontational, just I dont know why he would behave like that.I have to admit I did fall for him hard and fast, not love but lust, he is pretty handsome and sexy to boot

Why do people do things like this to others when the other person just cares and wants to be with them because they have give the impression thats what they wanted too?

Its knocked my self confidence to be honest

Caranica · 08-12-2022 10:15pm

Sorry but that's all too full on for two dates. He's sick and your biggest issue was he didn't ask if you had a good night?? Personally I'd have told you where to go when I got the message on Saturday night.

You were far too invested in this guy. This is 2022, two dates isn't anywhere near exclusive not to mind anything else.

NSAman · 08-12-2022 10:19pm

JAYSUS!!!

Two dates? You were planning a future together by the sounds of it.

Men when sick, best left alone. Why chase and chase? Leave the chap and play harder to get. Don't text him.

If it's meant to be, he'll come back. If he doesn't then you have your answer and are already onto someone else.

amdublin · 08-12-2022 10:21pm

He sounds like a loon who lovebombed you and then pulled back (because he realized he had been stupid and went way too fast). Sorry you fell for his sh1te. When someone moves too fast you should avoid them like the plague imo. Let this one go, he sounds awful (looney with his lovebombing first and now all grouchy and crazy)....who needs that in the life!

There are hundreds more fish in the sea. Delete all contact details for this one and block him and move on to the next

amdublin · 08-12-2022 10:25pm

Did I mention to block him? Do it now. Don't waste any more time on him.

And take a little look at yourself too. Why bother chasing someone who has cooled on you? Yes it is not nice what he did, but why bother telling him and giving him the opportunity to turn it around and gaslight you more and blame you?

TheminxIRL · 08-12-2022 10:27pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119972761#Comment_119972761

I really wasnt but it was polar opposite in terms of so full on then so little, I was confused to be honest, I just wanted to know where I stood. If he no longer wanted to see me fair enough but tell me

Dohnjoe · 08-12-2022 10:28pm

Full-on high intensity right at the beginning, complete with family photos and all that lark, can be a bit of a red flag.

Think about it, if you met a colleague who acted like that, you'd immediately back away from them. It can be the same with relationships.

Also, some people will spin a yarn for ages, act, pretend, literally do anything but tell someone they aren't interested. Sometimes they are too weak to do so, other times they just want to keep someone on the back boiler for when they are bored. Again, more red flag type stuff.

Anyway just my random opinion.

NiceFella · 08-12-2022 10:30pm

Unfortunately there are quite a few lads that are like that. Definitely more prevalent in immature lads (at any age) who don't know what they want. It's called being strung along, so I think you are wasting your time I'm afraid.

The love bombing and family photos after two dates are pretty questionable if you ask me. Hooking you in while, you barely know him, nevermind his family.

And you're dead right, he is self obsorbed. if I was dating a girl and she was thinking of ending it and I really liked her I would have called straight away.

Also, you need to be even more critical of the handsome lads. Somewhat joking 😅

Get rid, back on the horse would be my advice.

Jarhead_Tendler · 08-12-2022 10:34pm

You sound a bit too full on. He was sick and you kept hounding him. Maybe you were coming from the right place. However I am sorry to say it would scream desperation to me if I was that man.

TheminxIRL · 08-12-2022 10:35pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119972842#Comment_119972842

One text is hounding? Ok maybe thats how it came across

LilacNails · 08-12-2022 10:49pm

You both sound full on, but sounds like as if he initiated it.

Having.been in the same position, run op and dont look back! This guy is using u, im sorry irs horrible to realise this when it looksand feels perfect. If he was into u , he would have asked how u are and about ur night. And he did neither. As for being sick, thats understandable but couldnt send 1 text since Sunday? Good luck to him.

Brussels Sprout · 08-12-2022 10:50pm

"Met twice, got on great, had an amazing time, he said so too. I noticed the contact got less and less"

That's all you need to know really OP. Some people will never be straight with you but they will speak volumes with their actions. He sounds like a flake. You sound like you know this but a part of you desperately wanted to believe he wasn't. Maybe ask yourself why you were willing to override your gut instinct to make some questionable decisions yourself subsequently.

amdublin · 08-12-2022 11:02pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119972808#Comment_119972808

Yep it would be nice. But nope, some men just can't do that (tell you). So instead they do what he did (yep, awful). He will never change. Even if you say it to him now. Next woman he meets and changes his mind on, he will do the exact same. And some other men will do the same again to you too. Take the hint when they show their true colours (take it at the earliest opportunity) and just walk away.

FintanMcluskey · 09-12-2022 12:08am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119973010#Comment_119973010

Yep it would be nice. But nope, some ~~men~~ people just can't do that (tell you). So instead they do what he did (yep, awful).

Both sexes are guilty of this.

A dopamine hit of having a member of the opposite sex chasing them.

Back to OP

So I told him it wasnt working for me, I needed someone would put the effort in too, that would show some interest in me.

If I was sick in bed and someone said the above because I didn't ask how the night out went, I'd be thinking this is high maintenance territory and simply not worth the hassle

AngeloArgue · 09-12-2022 12:17am

It could be that he's just not good at multitasking. When other things started happening in his life he took the focus from you. And maybe then after the fallout he (and maybe you also?) just cut his losses as it's gone south already so early on

growleaves · 09-12-2022 12:25am

People aren't themselves when they're ill.

On a more general note, I think that there is an over-detection of so-called "red flags".

On men-only discussion sites, I have seen men being instructed that any woman who loses her temper may have a Cluster-B personality disorder and should be shunned totally. Advice I ignore because I like passionate people. Not every slip-up or negative emotion is revealing of deep character flaws.

I often find "well-behaved" people to be unimpressive.

That said, OP, go with your intuition. You do not want someone love-bombing you then drawing back, that is understandable, and has left you feeling a bit discombobulated.

AyeGer · 09-12-2022 12:35am

This cant be real? the man is sick, let him recover and see where things go from there. I wouldn't be hopeful of success here though.

YellowLead · 09-12-2022 12:59am

As others have said love bombing is an early warning sign - somebody is desperate, unhinged, or wants to manipulate/use you when they do that. So he warned next time!

Separately to that lots of men just pull back when no longer interested rather than say it. There’ll be plenty more like that and you just have to roll with it. It doesn’t mean they were using you they might well have been interested to start, but it takes time to get to know somebody. This guy however with his love bombing was a non runner from the start.

I don’t agree with him not engaging too much or asking you about your night when he was sick was a big deal though, when you’re sick you’re sick and only 2 dates in there should be little expected anyway.

But I am sorry you had this experience - learn from it and move on

Dial Hard · 09-12-2022 1:10am

Jesus christ some of the replies from both sides here are unhinged.

You met a classic lovebomber, OP. Look it up, own your little part in it (I've been there), then learn from it and move on.

cuttingtimber22 · 09-12-2022 1:25am

Put him on the back burner. No contact. If he wants to chase you then decide next steps but otherwise forget it about it. I am not sure advice would differ if a man or woman tbh.

bitofabind · 09-12-2022 8:42am

Why are you so insistent on getting a dysfunctional person to like you? Because he is hot?

Idle Passerby · 09-12-2022 10:25am

He love bombed so was always going to disappear in the long run but texting him every morning after only two meetings? Why? That sounds pretty claustrophobic to me. Sounds like he lost interest but hadn't the guts to be honest about it. Giving out to him like that is a bit cringe too though. If it's not working out that early on there's no need for a big explanation or post mortem.

Goodigal · 09-12-2022 10:51am

If he didn't text from Sunday til you messaged him on Thurs, you had your answer right there. He meant more to you than you did to him. But that's ok, you were only on a few dates.

Tough lesson OP when you enjoyed the chemistry, but time to move on and keep swiping.

bitofabind · 09-12-2022 11:22am

OP, a good rule of law in dating is to not take anyone's word as gospel (especially if the first dates involve booze) and to take a "wait and see" approach. Don't invest in someone until there's more than a handful of dates and demonstrations of stable behaviour and actions matching words. Otherwise you'll just keep getting hurt like this.

You're saying he seemed so interested, but you can also acknowledge he love-bombed you from the start and quickly started to give you the fade. That doesn't sound like someone interested, it sounds like someone unstable and untrustworthy. It also sounds like you got majorly triggered by it and instead of walking away as common sense would dictate, you got a bit hysterical and have been driving yourself mad over him. You deserve more than that and your time is more valuable than that.

I work in Sales: if this was a game of qualifying a potential sales deal - I've have pursued briefly after the first interaction and quickly disqualified as the communication became one-way on my side. I know dating involves a lot more emotional investment and being vulnerable is hard, but it's important to see things as they are, not as how you'd like them to be because someone is attractive to you. Your instincts were spot on about the love-bombing, but instead of reading that as a red flag you jumped right in, gaslit yourself when his communication slowed down (no-one is ever too busy to send a first text when they like someone, trust me) and then got defensive and lashed out at him instead of reading the room and checking yourself.

In summary: don't jump in head first, "wait and see" next time i.e don't start building someone up or take what they say as gospel until there's a more established track record of follow up and actions, and trust your instincts next time.

TheadoreT · 09-12-2022 12:50pm

Yeah I'm getting red flags from both of you here. I'd run a mile from your behaviour OP. There's just intensity jumping out from your messages that's a big turn off when dating early. It should be fun and breezy at that point. A confident person will treat these early encounters with appropriate levels of giving a ****. And the more you get to know someone you'll gradually decide to care more or less based on actions of other person, not words.

witchgirl26 · 14-12-2022 3:19pm

Ok the love bombing wasn't a good sign from him but maybe he even realised that he went too much too soon and that's why he backed off a little.

However giving out to him because he didn't ask about your night when he was sick with Covid is a little much on your side too. I mean come on. Did you really text him to see how he was or to chat about your night? Coz one is caring and the other is a little selfish.

I think you're both better off without each other.

HildaOgdenx · 14-12-2022 9:07pm

Mod Note - I have deleted some posts. As per the charter please bear in mind that:

Personal Issues is an advice forum.
Posters are required to offer advice or opinion to the OP in their replies.
Replies are expected to be mature, civil and well phrased.

Thanks

Hilda

Bobtheman · 16-12-2022 10:44am

Speaking as a recovering neurotic I think you need to step back a bit. It's very easy to get caught up in Romance. Everyone with a heart does.

Try to get more balance in your life so that these things don't occupy you as much.

Personally I have learnt that direct confrontation is a bad idea. In the first two months unless behaviour is totally unacceptable. His was not

Let the guy chase you and be busy with your own life

farmingquestion · 16-12-2022 10:50am

He's not interested. Sorry.

And acting like you have, isn't going to turn things around. If there's bickering after two dates over things, what would things be like in 2 years?

He's probably happy to have you as a fcuk buddy which is why he'd be happy keeping you hanging.

Mongfinder General · 16-12-2022 11:02am

It reads like he’s a bit of a Chad. He probably has options and doesn’t want to be tied down. We are seeing this more and more in Western Societies. Men are not marrying as they’ve seen too many of their friends get roasted in a divorce. So they wait until it suits them.

It’s different for women - if they want a family they have limited time to act. Men don’t have this issue until much later.

foxsake · 16-12-2022 3:11pm

the fact that he was love bombing you is a red flag.

of all the lads i know the love bombers are the ones with issues . the decent steady fellas don't do that.

JoChervil · 16-12-2022 10:01pm

OP, I am afraid you knocked your self confidence not him.

I suspect you got fully intimate on the second date. If so, so you know the answer, what this love bombing was for.

If you need answers to certain questions ask them BEFORE not AFTER having sex. If you didn't set up your expectations beforehand, so you really can't expect any obligation from him. You simply sold yourself cheap. And you did it to yourself.

A weak person often surrender too easily and then bicker, while strong person set proper boundaries and does only, what fits them. So no need for bickering later.

But maybe you didn't sleep with him and he lost interest because of it. But I doubt it. Such situation wouldn't knock your self confidence. Quite opposite. You would be happy that you dodged the bullet.

I actually hate what sexual revolution and modern world did to women. They feel obliged to give themselves fully too soon. While waiting a little bit till they know the answers to most of their questions, would save them a lot of headache.

Dial Hard · 16-12-2022 10:44pm

Sorry, but the above is nonsense. If two people genuinely like eachother then there's no such thing as "too soon" for sex. My (now ex) husband and I slept with eachother on our first night. Obviously we've since split up but 7 years after the fact I doubt it was because I "gave myself fully too soon" 🙄🙄🙄

As has already been pointed out, the OP fell for a classic love bomber, end of. It has absolutely nothing to do with the sexual revolution. What an absolute load of me hole.

JoChervil · 16-12-2022 10:53pm

You were probably strong enough person to deal with consequences in case of mistake. OP with her nervous reaction shows the opposite. The strength is a clue here. "If you can't stand the heat etc..."

Unfortunately I know many other unhappy results and the damage it has done.

And I will always protect the weakest. Or confused with modern standards.

Dial Hard · 17-12-2022 12:49am

What are you even talking about??? I didn't make a "mistake", I slept with someone I fancied the pants off early doors and we ended up together for 7 years.

The OP met a textbook love-bomber. One doesn't equal the other. Fwiw I did the same earlier this year and in the space of six weeks he sucked me in, spat me out and had me questioning *everything*. Strength doesn't come into it. Before I met him I'd have laughed in your face if you'd even suggested I'd be vulnerable to anything like that and so would anyone who knows me.

Modern standards don't come into it. Some people are just master manipulators and even the most cynical among us can fall victim. In fact, if anything I'd say people with "old fashioned" values (I hate that term) are probably even more vulnerable to this type.

TheadoreT · 17-12-2022 10:25am

Withholding sex as some sort of test of commitment is absolutely horrible advise. Obviously never have it if you're not comfortable but if you're feeling it but decide not to and instead use it as a control thing its a massive turn off. And I'm sure you'd interpret guys who run in these scenarios as only wanting one thing instead of the reality of it being a bit of a red flag.

And sex can sometimes just be instead of using future perceived success of relationship to determine whether it was worth it or not. You don't have to put the 'failures' into categories of love bomber or narcissist or whatever other trite terms that float around these days. Sometimes sex is nice and you perfectly respect the other person but just don't feel spark to continue dating.

JoChervil · 17-12-2022 11:19am

I was writing about withholding sex till you know, who you are dealing with. Dial Hard was lucky the first time, while not so much in other situation. Decent men don't mind waiting a little, so she would be lucky in the first case anyway and would avoid not nice second situation. Her example just proves my point.

If you don't feel spark, so why not stop continuing dating at that moment, only after using her in that case? Respectful decent person wouldn't treat another human being in that way.

And that's OP's problem and my advice to her.

EDIT. I wonder how did you show her respect? Did you tell her you don't feel the spark, but would like to make love anyway to let her make her mind, if she wants it in that case or not? Or did you treat her like an object with no feelings?

probablyunavailable · 27-12-2022 4:08am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120005483#Comment_120005483

If one person is genuine and the other person is deceptive, the genuine person will be annoyed for understandable reasons. Some people value trust and it's understandable to have doubts.

road_high · 01-01-2023 1:44pm

Cease ALL contact immediately with this attention seeking flaker.

Mens perspective please?

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